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Co-parentng - single gay male

  • 15-12-2014 1:27pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 42 templeville


    Hello,

    I'm a 40 year old, self employed, gay and single man. I have always wanted a child but felt that it was not to be. I now know that this is something that I want deeply and feel that the time has come to properly explore my options. I had a great free childhood growing up on a mayo farm in a large stable family unit. I want my child to feel the same bond of family, both parents equally involved. I want my child to feel that they belong to a core and extended family.

    I want to start exploring my options and co-parenting seems to be the best option for me. Any advice/ideas on how to go about finding women who are also considering this option?

    Sin é!


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭baztard


    I'm in a similar situation, but a few years younger than you. I can't offer you any advice sorry, just best wishes in your journey.
    I have looked into surrogacy, but the c.€150,000 price tag has put that idea to bed.
    Hopefully co-parenting can be a realistic option.


  • Registered Users Posts: 42 templeville


    Thanks,
    Price tag aside I would prefer a co-parenting option as i would like both parents to be equally involved. There are a few co-parenting websites out there but there seems to be very little activity on these.
    i will carry on my search!


  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    I am glad to hear these sites are quiet. Sounds like a terrible idea to me. Any couple who are not in a stable relationship for x number of years shouldn't even consider having a pet together nevermind a child.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I think you're going to struggle to find a woman willing to have a child and co parent with a complete stranger OP. It's a massive undertaking to have a child with someone you know well let alone with some random person. Huge risk for you too of course. Definitely a bad idea imo.


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,907 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    The only actual case I know of involved two people who had known one another for many years before they decided to have a child together. They have made it work, but they are both remarkable people and they have been really challenged by it. To be honest, I would not be optimistic that this would work out well if embarked upon by two well-intentioned strangers.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,111 ✭✭✭mrsdewinter


    I'm a 40yo woman and I'm curious about how co-parenting works too, so I've elected to follow this thread. It's a bit disheartening to see the responses so far.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,905 ✭✭✭Aard


    It's a bit disheartening to see the responses so far.

    Can you see how others might perceive "coparenting" to be a little selfish or shortsighted?




  • Aard wrote: »
    Can you see how others might perceive "coparenting" to be a little selfish or shortsighted?

    Not in and of itself I can not.

    Co-parenting in and of itself is neither selfish nor shortsighted.

    The _reasons_ any individual couple or group might pursue it might themselves be selfish or short sighted however. So one can do little but evaluate the reasons and agendas of the individuals involved in any given scenario.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    Aard wrote: »
    Can you see how others might perceive "coparenting" to be a little selfish or shortsighted?

    No more than adoption by single persons or women choosing to become parents by themselves surely?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,088 ✭✭✭aaakev


    nozipcode wrote: »
    I am glad to hear these sites are quiet. Sounds like a terrible idea to me. Any couple who are not in a stable relationship for x number of years shouldn't even consider having a pet together nevermind a child.

    Whats good for you is not necessarily good for everyone else. Families come in all shapes and sizes and there could well be a woman, gay or straight, reading this who has been thinking the same as the op.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    My concern wouldn't be about co parenting itself, it's about the risks involved in having a child with someone you don't know. OP remember that as an unmarried father you have very few rights, you want to be sure your child's mother is someone you can trust. There is so much to consider not just in the short term but right through the child's life, you'll need to find someone on the same page in terms of values, parenting style, attitude to health, education etc. I don't want to rain on your parade but you have to protect yourself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    I always thought you should approach the issue of whether or not to have a child not by asking what you want, but what you can offer to the child.

    After all, the child must come first in everything.

    So I think just wanting a child isn't enough reason to bring one into the world. I think you need to be in a position where you can offer them a good and loving home.

    Do you think co-parenting with a stranger can offer that? Do you think you can ensure you can find agreed approaches to the various parenting issues which will arise? Are you both happy to become major and permanent parts of each other's lives?




  • floggg wrote: »
    Do you think you can ensure you can find agreed approaches to the various parenting issues which will arise? Are you both happy to become major and permanent parts of each other's lives?

    There are some married couples I wish had asked themselves these things before they procreated too. :) And some who did answer them - with a yes - and turned out to be wrong. Very very wrong.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    There are some married couples I wish had asked themselves these things before they procreated too. :) And some who did answer them - with a yes - and turned out to be wrong. Very very wrong.

    Obviously there are no guarantees things will work out for anybody, but at least with a married couple (even a long term unmarried couple) there is a semblance of a stable base.

    One thing I always think funny is when people who call those who say they don't want kids selfish for not wanting to give up their lifestyle for children.

    But I think often the decision to have a child can be the selfish one - you choose to bring a life into the world because you think it would enhance your life.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that - it's human nature.

    But I think if people realised the ultimately selfish nature of the decision, they might treat the question with the weight it deserves.

    I don't mean any of that as a dig at the OP. I would say though that you should be sure that you are having proper regard to the welfare of the child before making any decision. It's not about what a child would offer you, but what you would offer the child.




  • That is why I do not put much stock in one type of relationship declaring another type "selfish" for wanting to have children. They all likely have the exact same reasons for wanting children - and no one group is any more (or less) selfish than the other.

    Even in my own relationship - which is slightly different from the norm but not overly so - we got the accusation of being selfish when we chose to start having children. Seems many think their motivations are pure and everyone elses must be selfish somehow.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Anon79


    Hi I'm a 35 year old woman from Dublin. I've recently been considering co-parenting as an option for my first child. I can't think of a better environment for a child than to be brought into the world by two people who will want and love it with none of the selfish drama relationships bring. Please don't be discouraged by the negative comments on this thread. They sound a lot like petty jealousy to me. Being gay does not negate your right to a loving family!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,905 ✭✭✭Aard


    ^ You think coparenting will be drama-free?!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Anon79


    Try actually reading my post. Where did I say that?


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,905 ✭✭✭Aard


    "with none of the selfish drama relationships bring"

    I did "actually" read your post btw.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Anon79


    So you'd see that I was talking about a specific type of drama. Relationship trouble. Cheating, abuse, lying, fighting over jealousy and insecurity. Don't put words In my mouth please


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,575 ✭✭✭AlanS181824


    Coparenting is extremely interesting but whatever you do best of luck with it OP :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,905 ✭✭✭Aard


    Whoa, whoa, calm down. We're not in debate club.

    I apologise profusely if I inferred incorrectly. Do you see how I might have made such a mistake though?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Anon79


    Sorry I took that as quite a condescending remark and immediately felt defensive. I thought I was clearly talking about romantic troubles that couples can experience but probably should have been clearer. I'm far from naive and have thought of the pitfalls co-parenting can bring. But I do believe given enough consideration the right match could do an excellent job of raising happy, loved, well adjusted children.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I don't see how co-parenting as suggested by the OP could ever work. I mean I would presume that being gay he and the mother would not be planning to live together and would not be romantically involved obviously. He would instead "possibly" move in with his partner at some point. In that scenario I don't see parenting being equally shared in the slightest. The mother will most likely be the primary caregiver with the OP assuming a secondary role.
    If the mother later gets a partner or married, how will that work if the husband feels he cannot/should not develop a relationship with the child?

    And mostly, I just think it would all be very confusing for the child.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Anon79 wrote: »
    Hi I'm a 35 year old woman from Dublin. I've recently been considering co-parenting as an option for my first child. I can't think of a better environment for a child than to be brought into the world by two people who will want and love it with none of the selfish drama relationships bring. Please don't be discouraged by the negative comments on this thread. They sound a lot like petty jealousy to me. Being gay does not negate your right to a loving family!

    Well that is all well and good on paper but I think reality is that the woman pretty much carries all of the risk and will be literally left holding the baby if the guy subsequently decides that this isn't for him. I understand that that can happen in any relationship anyway but I feel parents bringing a child into the world with no intention of ever having a relationship with the other parent is an odd idea.

    I can understand the logic for same sex couples, but for heterosexual folks I don't get it. Why not just have a child with someone you love in the conventional manner. Is it a fear of or lack of desire for commitment or relationships?
    It certainly wouldn't be something I'd encourage a friend to do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 Anon79


    Thats a fair point and if it happens so be it. The result remains I'll have my baby and it will have me. Single parents make it work every day. There are no guarantees. You've already established an opinion on Co-parenting based on your own beliefs and experience. You are fully entitled to that. I'm not here to change your mind or ask for advice. I simply want to offer support to anyone who wants to start a family in whatever manner they choose to suit their place in life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,504 ✭✭✭Polo_Mint


    Question.

    When you speak about Co- Parenting , Are you talking MM,MF or FF?


  • Registered Users Posts: 40,538 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    I don't see how co-parenting as suggested by the OP could ever work. I mean I would presume that being gay he and the mother would not be planning to live together and would not be romantically involved obviously. He would instead "possibly" move in with his partner at some point. In that scenario I don't see parenting being equally shared in the slightest. The mother will most likely be the primary caregiver with the OP assuming a secondary role.
    If the mother later gets a partner or married, how will that work if the husband feels he cannot/should not develop a relationship with the child?

    And mostly, I just think it would all be very confusing for the child.

    Why are you automatically assuming anything about a primary caregiver?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Why are you automatically assuming anything about a primary caregiver?

    Because, as I said, the gay man will probably want to live with his same sex partner rather than with the mother. The mother is probably going to want the baby to stay living with her most of the time, especially when it is small for breastfeeding etc. As the baby is spending most of its time with the mother that would make her the primary caregiver in my view.

    In reality, it would not be any different to situation of the bulk of separated couples, ie the woman keeps the kids and the father visits or has a secondary caregiver role. That's just my opinion though.

    In the case of a gay father, what role would the fathers same sex partner have in this? Would he be relatively detached, like the new wife of a divorced man? A "second daddy"? Is it intended that the child would effectively have 3 parents? What role is envisaged for the partner?


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  • Polo_Mint wrote: »
    Question.

    When you speak about Co- Parenting , Are you talking MM,MF or FF?

    Would that be relevant? For example for me it is essentially MFF. In that I will be having children with both of them and in each case the "other" one will be co-parenting with us. We have 2 of our 4 planned children so far and this has been working swimingly thus far.

    But the answer is right there in the OP all the same. He said he was a gay man quite clearly and he said he was looking for a woman to do this.

    So my guess is the answer to your question is he is speaking mainly of "MF"
    floggg wrote: »
    But I think often the decision to have a child can be the selfish one - you choose to bring a life into the world because you think it would enhance your life.

    Definitely an element of that in any relationship type for sure. Which is essentially what I was saying in my last reply to you above.

    But it is not limited to that. Yes I wanted children to add to my life. But I also wanted them because of everything I knew I could bring to THEIRS too.

    But I am certainly with you on the "give the decision the weight it deserves" criteria. All too many people do not. And all too many of those are in the "traditional" heterosexual union community. What one can likely expect is that co-parenting people - gay couples who adopt - and so forth are people who quite often have put a relatively larger amount of time, thought AND effort into the whole affair _by definition_.


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