Telling people that you are in a same sex relationship

babysock88 · 27-11-2014 6:33pm #1

Hey Guys/Girls,

I am seeking advice. So I started dating a girl about two months ago. We are now officially going out and I really like her etc. She is my first girlfriend. We differ insofar as she is out as being gay to everyone- friends, family, some work colleagues, roommates, the lot and has been for about a year.

While I have told close friends and a few people over the past few months about my attraction to women and my budding relationship, I am not out to anyone at work, my family, anyone at home (the sticks) or my roommates. I have explained to the girlfriend that I am not in a rush to tell everyone and my family in particular as it is a process and even telling my friends was scary at first- they all reacted fine though and are very supportive which is great.

I now feel as though gf is expecting me to tell my family in the next few weeks as Christmas approaches. Her family knows about me and I met her sister a few weeks ago. She hasn't said it directly to me; that she wants me to tell everyone and be completely open about the relationship, which isn't the case at the moment. I am feeling a bit pressured and anxious about the prospect of my family knowing and people at home- I'm from the country and a lot of people are nosey and gossip a lot. I hate the thoughts of being gossiped about quite frankly.

So I am wondering how to handle this. In an ideal world, I would like to be introducing the gf to family but in reality, I know that I am not ready to do this yet which I think is bothering her. I feel as of she wants me to embrace my sexuality and be open to the whole world including the family of course. I'd rather not lie to them when asked about who I am dating but at the same time, I am worried about how they will react at learning that their only daughter is in a same sex relationship. I don't think they are going to be too pleased as I have heard them both making homophobic remarks on several occasions. I am wondering how to reconcile my reluctance and fear of disclosing this part of myself to loved ones while simultaneously not wanting to hide my relationship from some people.

Is it wrong of me to introduce the gf as a friend to certain people and do you think that she would be totally justified in being upset with me for doing this? She got upset the other evening when one of my roommate walked into the sitting room and I let go of her hand, as an example.

Any thoughts or comments appreciated. Thanks!

Ten of Swords · 27-11-2014 7:16pm

If this is bothering you so much then you need to have a talk with her about your worries and make sure there is no uncertainty about your feelings on this. Don't be confrotational but it is very important that she gets the message that you aren't ready and you have serious anxiety about this.

She hasn't said this directly to you so it could simply be her hope rather than her expectation.

Your girlfriend is obviously happy at taking the step of coming out and is comfortable of her relationship with you if she has told her family and introduced you to her sister and this is a good thing but it is also easy to forget that this confidence and forwardness presents great difficulty to a partner who is not out. You have told close friends but are not ready to tell your family and your girlfriend must respect that, the fact that it will be Christmas soon is simply not a good enough reason to tell your parents if you do not feel ready to.

My last ex was completely in the closet and it caused a lot of disagreements between us but I ultimately respected that it was his decision and when I was with his circle of friends I acted accordingly. Your girlfriend may have been upset that you pulled your hand away when a friend walked into the room as she sees it as a form of dishonesty, I certainly felt that way myself more than once, but she must recall a time before she came out where she would have done the same thing.

As for your parents, you would be surprised how many are nothing but supportive despite having made homophobic remarks in the past. There are plenty of stories on this forum that are along those lines. You cannot guarantee what their reaction will be but don't let occassional off the cuff remarks put you off ever telling them.

floggg · 28-11-2014 10:40am

Have a talk with her and explain your position.

Ultimately coming out is something you need to do in your own time, so she shouldn't pressure you.

At the same time, you're girlfriend wants to feel like she is truly part of your life and that you are proud of your relationship. And you don't want to make her feel like she is your dirty little secret.

Ultimately therefor I think you should explain to get that you aren't reay yet to come out, and I'm sure she would realise that Xmas isn't necessarily the best time to do it anyway. So ask her for time and understanding.

At the same time, you need to be able to show her that you see this as a temporary thing and it's something you are working towards. Let her know you don't intend remaining closeted for the foreseeable future, and you understand that you can't put off doing it for ever.

If you can't do that, then you should know that remaining closeted for the long term will be a challenge to this or any future relationships.

babysock88 · 28-11-2014 1:20pm

Thanks for the replies folks. I think I need to have a chat with her and explain that Christmas is too soon for me to announce to the family that I am in a relationship with a woman. I am not 100% sure that I am gay either. I feel a stronger attraction to women but still feel bisexual is more appropriate at this point in time in terms of my sexual identity. Trying to convey this to my parents scares me and I would rather delay the conversatiin until I am sure that it is definitely a woman I want to settle down with when the time comes. I think being gay would be easier for the parents to accept as the word bisexual to them would have connotations of greed or sex mania. They are conservative people but perhaps I am pre-empting a negative response that might not materialise.

I do feel anxious about the coming out process which is probably natural and part of accepting who you are and so forth. I wish I could be as confident in my identity as my girlfriend is. She is comfortably out to everyone and I think she feels it's something I should do (come out) as I will be happier and more secure afterwards. Wish it was that easy though....sigh!

Just out of interest, how did any of yee broach the subject with family or other people in your life? What way did you phrase it? Thanks.

ongarboy · 30-11-2014 2:30pm

I told individual family members one by one over a course of a few months, starting with the siblings I felt would be least judgemental about it. My dad was the hardest but ultimately and thankfully, they all accepted it but I allowed them the time to get used to it too. I was single at the time so it was perhaps slightly less challenging as I didn't have to spring both my orientation and a partner onto them at the same time. By the time my partner came along, the family were well used to the fact I was gay and completely accept him as part of our family too.

Take your time as it is a big deal but remember being true to your family and loved ones about this allows you to be true to yourself too and that is such a liberating feeling.

babysock88 · 01-12-2014 2:44pm

Thanks for the replies guys. I need time to figure out what to say to certain people but in the mean time, I am going to try and not stress over it too much. The GF and I did have a conversation about it in the last few days and she said she is happy to be patient & wait until I am ready to take certain steps so I was relieved to hear that from her. She went through the coming out process herself and understands what it's like so she relates to how I feel! Baby steps now I think...

Telling people that you are in a same sex relationship

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