Men and Women

Married Life



- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."



- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.





- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done.

Nomenclature for Understanding Relationships




ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.








A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

She said to her husband, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."

"Really?" he said.

"Yes," she replied. "And, do you know what song they sing?"

"No..."

"I didn't think so," the wife said.

Big Tits vs Little Tits




Women with Big Tits--

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits--

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

Men and Womens Vocabulary



THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with The lads.

BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's Girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes
love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy,
"George how's your wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess
player." "A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored" birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Pre-dick-a- mints"