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Doubts about a new relationship?

  • 22-07-2014 8:41am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 6


    Hi!

    I'd like to get some advice on something that I really can't seem to make up my mind on. I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half now and we had that whole exlusive/relationship/boyfriend&girlfriend-talk about two weeks ago. He's a great guy, we're really similar and have similar interests and he seems to be really into me and isn't afraid to show it! Basically he's pretty much everything I'd look for in a boyfriend and we want the same things in the future (marriage, kids etc).

    Now of course there's a but. :p He's very intense, as in texting me all the time and wanting to hold my hand or putting his arm around me all the time when we're out in town or something. Also, I can tell he really wants to impress me or something because he tends to agree with everything I say and he's always mentioning things that he knows I like. I think all this should be cute but since it annoys me a bit, I have a feeling that something's wrong! And by the way, I never minded this kind of stuff in previous relationships.

    Also, there was an incident last weekend when I found out something that he hadn't told me about, not a huge deal but pretty important anyway. But that itself wasn't the problem, the problem was how he reacted when I got mad at him. He started sending me long messages asking me to forgive him and eventually it got to a point where he said he's so upset that he has to leave work because he can't stop crying. And then he was sending me texts saying that he's at home and he's been crying so much he's going to get sick etc. Begging me not to end it all. I thought it was all way too much and such an over the top reaction and honestly a massive turn off. I was ready to end it then and there but I thought I should at least see him face to face and let him explain. We met the other day and he apologised for his reaction and said it won't happen again. He seemed to be genuinely embarrassed about it and I do believe he means it. He has already started texting me less for example.

    I don't know what to do because I feel like I should be really into him because technically he's everything I want and we have a great time together but seeing that side of him and also him being so overly keen, I just feel like he's suffocating me already and we've only just started going out. I feel like if I was as into him as he is to me, I wouldn't mind all the texts and the hand holding etc. It must be a bad sign that he annoys me a bit with that stuff? Or is it? :p I'm just not that excited about texting him and it's always a bit of a relief when there's a break between the constant texts. What's worse is I kind of look forward to the days when I know I won't be able to see him. I know that sounds horrible and very contradictory since I do actually have fun with him whenever we do meet up! Aren't the first few months supposed to be the time when you can't wait to see each other and get the butterflies whenever you think about the other person, not an awful sinking feeling? Should I just wait and see what happens or is the relationship doomed because I'm having doubts about it so early on?


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    ^ That would drive me insane. I couldn't hack it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    I think you posted this yesterday, too?

    What I said there, and stand by, is that he's scarily intense. You've said you look forward to the times yo can't see him or text him.

    That's all you need to know. He's not right for you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6 fghjkl


    Yeah I posted this yesterday as well but decided I'd rather use another account. :o

    I'm just worried that if I end this now, I might regret it later if I start going out with someone else at some point and realise how great this guy was. Or does it even make sense to think that far?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,161 ✭✭✭Virgil°


    Just to note, usually in these scenarios this kind of behaviour becomes worse over time not better. I wonder how you're coping with that kind of intensity at all at the moment.
    Makes me cringe just thinking about it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    At such a short time into the relationship I would cut my losses and let him go. You said yourself you're not really into him so where do you see it going?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Semele


    I couldn't handle that neediness and there's nothing wrong with the fact that you can't. I've been in relationships where the guy wanted to be with me, or to be in contact with me, constantly and it killed any feelings I had quicker than actual bad behaviour would have!

    No matter how much I enjoy someone's company I always look forward to time to myself again and hate anyone making me feel guilty about it. While he's probably a nice enough guy, I would say these issues make you incompatible long term unless you think it's something you could address with him and that would lead to actual change. I know now that I need someone as independant as myself, so that our relationship can be the icing on the cake of both our lives, rather that it being our whole lives, leaving room for nothing else!


  • Registered Users Posts: 6 fghjkl


    Thanks so much for the helpful posts everyone! :)

    I guess I'm just worried that I might not find anyone else but I do realise how silly that is considering I'm only 24. He said he'd change and be less intense but the idea of him having to actively control himself like that is just a bit weird.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    I'd agree with Virgil that it seems most of the time this kind of neediness etc can get worse rather than better, but not always.

    I think it comes down to whether the person agrees and can admit that it's a problem they have and something they are willing to work on, rather than just having a "this is how I am so you accommodate it" way of looking at things.

    First I think you have to ask yourself if this issue wasn't present would you be more mad about the guy? Is this what's preventing you from being fully into him or are you just not that into him and this is the thing you're focusing on?

    If it's the case that if this issue wasn't in play you think you'd you'd be head over heels and could really see the relationship going somewhere, then talk to him about it.

    Just explain to him that it's all too much, you really like him but you're starting to find it a bit suffocating, and he needs to try to cool his jets and relax about things more.

    If his response is along the lines of the first attitude in the second paragraph above, and you really like him and see this relationship having a lot of potential, then I'd give him a chance and see if his actions back up his words. If his response bears more towards the second attitude or aside from this issue you just aren't that unto him or feel that chemistry isn't there, I'd just move on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 50 ✭✭fergie24


    What age is the guy?
    Sounds like it might be the first/second relationship the guy might be in and as a result comes across all intense, full on and too keen with the excitement of actually having a girlfriend.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6 fghjkl


    Thank you so much everyone! I gave it some thought and realised that I really just am not that into him. I told him that and he won't stop sending me texts saying how much he misses me and everything. Ah well, it just wasn't meant to be. Thanks again everyone. :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    fghjkl wrote: »
    Yeah I posted this yesterday as well but decided I'd rather use another account. :o

    I'm just worried that if I end this now, I might regret it later if I start going out with someone else at some point and realise how great this guy was. Or does it even make sense to think that far?

    I honestly don't believe this guy should factor in your next relationship. You have already said you look forward to the days you don't have to see him, to be honest OP, it would be very wrong to end this relationship and then look back if the grass looked greener on the other side. I think you have made your choice, OP. End it nicely. Be fair to him and yourself


  • Registered Users Posts: 30 louisenf2014


    I actually dated a guy like this for a few weeks..... we lived a few hours apart which is probably why it lasted so long. It was crazy, he was on to me non-stop and did things which should have been sweet if they were isolated but I felt ambushed! After about a week I decided to spend a night in his hometown so we went back to his house and he'd a massive bunch of flowers on the bed, then opened the fridge and he'd bought the same wine as we'd had on our first date (not that I paid any attention to the wine but I'd said it was lovely and he photographed the label and went looking for it) THEN, when we went to bed he started playing his ipod to which he'd downloaded a song I said I liked when we were in the car the week previous and like "The most romantic album ever" - he told me this out straight.

    I couldn't even have sex with him I was so turned off that night, said I wasn't ready and broke up with him a few days later.

    Never looked back. Personally, for me, I really value my own space and independence and anyone who threatens that is a huge turn off. I felt like I couldn't even make a comment like "I really like this song" or "I really like this wine" without him registering and acting on it. I would run if I were you. Sounds like he wants the marriage and kids thing sooner rather than later....


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