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Lorna123 · 03-03-2012, 02:48

Sam the only way that this can be fixed is if both parties want it and she doesn't want it so you are wasting your time trying to fix it. It is called a break up because it is broken, but try not to crack up over this. Wishing you all the best for the future, you are a great guy.

sam1111 · 03-03-2012, 04:22

Yes, your right, there is an issue here that can't be fixed. I probably should have been honest about it from the start but it was so personal that I tried to just lock it up.

We had a miscarriage about 8 weeks into the pregnancy about 6 months ago. At first it was obviously tough, but I thought we were dealing with it reasonably well. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, and although we would have been more than capable of catering for the child we didn't own our own home and weren't married so we tried to take as much positives ( and I know they still matter very little in the grand scheme of things) out of the situation. Well I did anyways. But the longer it went on I could see it was eating away at her. Looking back I don't think I gave her enough support or the support she needed to cope. I was always there for her but if she didn't bring it up I didn't either, I didn't want to make her unhappy or bring up bad emotions. Later on then she often brought it up on nights out and I always told her it wasn't the time or the place in case others might hear.

I definitely dealt with it a lot better for the first 3-4 months than she did but its been eating at me now for the past few months. Seeing kids, thinking what if's and that. I know I sound sappy and a real downer but it's all tied in. I know deep down this is our issue right now. It's obviously not the only factor but she thinks I'm not there for her and I suppose she is now taking it out. I have always been there for her, I've never ignored her or not made time but there is no manual on how to deal with this, I did what I thought was best at the time, which in hindsight wasn't enough. I suppose she looked at me and saw I wasn't hurting as much as her. It's all killing me right now, it's making all this so much harder.

Sorry now for throwing another issue into the mix, this is the first time I've opened up about it to anyone other than her. Thanks for listening.

dellas1979 · 03-03-2012, 10:16

When a relationship breaks down and time is called by the other person, we will go over and over and over and over in our heads what we could have done better, what we could have changed, what could have been. The what ifs, the maybes. The hope that something is salvagable and fixable.

We literally beat ourselves up, which is what you are doing. Self-flogging. The we go back to more thinking about all the above. Then more hope. Then more flogging. Eventually you will tire yourself out.

It will be a cycle like this for a while for you. But you will snap out of it when you've had a chance to process it all. Some people are lucky in that they process events more quickly the "yeah-he/she isnt worth it, move on. Full stop" brigade. Lucky them. You are not one of them, from what Ive read in your posts.

The one thing you need to get rid of though is the hope that this is fixable. Now maybe in a few months when everyones heads are together a bit more, it might work out. We can never say never. But I'd bet money on it that when you do process everything thats going on, and give it a little bit of time, and the self-flogging becomes less or stops, if she comes back to you, you might have a different opinion of her then. You'll think "how could someone whos supposed to love me do this"? Then youll realise that there is no trust there.

Friends · 03-03-2012, 12:16

I'm really sorry to hear that you went through that before this. But as hard as it is - try not to consider it a factor in the break up...like I said before, when most couples or people go through hard times, it brings them closer to their partner, gets them to call on them for more support.

Judging from this threat, I can't imagine you were completely insensitive and ignored the situation, although this is all I have to go by.

It doesn't sound at all like she is breaking up with you because you weren't there for her enough, if that were the case, she would have said so.

At the moment you are looking for something to pin it on, but I really believe this isn't the reason, as little as I know about the situation. This is just your mind wanting to blame yourself, wanting to find a solid reason.

mike0c · 03-03-2012, 13:17

The above posters have given you some great advice. At the end of the day you know her better than anyone else but you cant force someone into something they dont want. In saying that your last post puts a bit of a different spin on things. I still wouldnt be hopeful of changing her mind. I think she probably needs the space to sort her own head out. Maybe she no longer sees you as the man she wants in her life because of all of that. I know its tough going thru all of this especially with that on top of it all but if she says no then what other choice have you got?

Lorna123 · 03-03-2012, 13:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by sam1111

We had a miscarriage about 8 weeks into the pregnancy about 6 months ago. At first it was obviously tough, but I thought we were dealing with it reasonably well. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, and although we would have been more than capable of catering for the child we didn't own our own home and weren't married so we tried to take as much positives ( and I know they still matter very little in the grand scheme of things) out of the situation. Well I did anyways. But the longer it went on I could see it was eating away at her. Looking back I don't think I gave her enough support or the support she needed to cope. I was always there for her but if she didn't bring it up I didn't either, I didn't want to make her unhappy or bring up bad emotions. Later on then she often brought it up on nights out and I always told her it wasn't the time or the place in case others might hear.
.

Miscarriages happen Sam and it is not like you asked her to get an abortion, and even if that was the case it would not stop her loving you. You didn't leave her when this happened so you were there for her. She is not looking for a break now to get her own back on you so stop beating yourself up over this. Men never feel as sentimental over a miscarriage as some women can. Your relationship with this woman panned out the way it was always going to go and I don't think that the miscarriage made any difference. If she is blaming the miscarriage now on her going off you then don't listen becaues if it wasn't the miscarriage it would be something else. Miscarriage or no miscarriage she was going to want a break anyway. Isn't it just as well that there is no child involved now. I can really feel your pain here Sam but I think that Dellas above is right to say that you are flogging yourself, blaming yourself when you are not at fault one bit here. You are you and you cannot change to accommodate someone else. If this woman doesn't want you the way you are then let her go. Really hope you feel better soon, this is a terrible predicament for you to be in and very painful.

03-03-2012, 04:22	#92
sam1111 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 30 Adverts \| Friends	Yes, your right, there is an issue here that can't be fixed. I probably should have been honest about it from the start but it was so personal that I tried to just lock it up. We had a miscarriage about 8 weeks into the pregnancy about 6 months ago. At first it was obviously tough, but I thought we were dealing with it reasonably well. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, and although we would have been more than capable of catering for the child we didn't own our own home and weren't married so we tried to take as much positives ( and I know they still matter very little in the grand scheme of things) out of the situation. Well I did anyways. But the longer it went on I could see it was eating away at her. Looking back I don't think I gave her enough support or the support she needed to cope. I was always there for her but if she didn't bring it up I didn't either, I didn't want to make her unhappy or bring up bad emotions. Later on then she often brought it up on nights out and I always told her it wasn't the time or the place in case others might hear. I definitely dealt with it a lot better for the first 3-4 months than she did but its been eating at me now for the past few months. Seeing kids, thinking what if's and that. I know I sound sappy and a real downer but it's all tied in. I know deep down this is our issue right now. It's obviously not the only factor but she thinks I'm not there for her and I suppose she is now taking it out. I have always been there for her, I've never ignored her or not made time but there is no manual on how to deal with this, I did what I thought was best at the time, which in hindsight wasn't enough. I suppose she looked at me and saw I wasn't hurting as much as her. It's all killing me right now, it's making all this so much harder. Sorry now for throwing another issue into the mix, this is the first time I've opened up about it to anyone other than her. Thanks for listening. Last edited by sam1111; 03-03-2012 at 09:53.

03-03-2012, 02:48	#91
Lorna123 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 918 Adverts \| Friends	Sam the only way that this can be fixed is if both parties want it and she doesn't want it so you are wasting your time trying to fix it. It is called a break up because it is broken, but try not to crack up over this. Wishing you all the best for the future, you are a great guy.

03-03-2012, 10:16	#93
dellas1979 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 2,623 Adverts \| Friends	When a relationship breaks down and time is called by the other person, we will go over and over and over and over in our heads what we could have done better, what we could have changed, what could have been. The what ifs, the maybes. The hope that something is salvagable and fixable. We literally beat ourselves up, which is what you are doing. Self-flogging. The we go back to more thinking about all the above. Then more hope. Then more flogging. Eventually you will tire yourself out. It will be a cycle like this for a while for you. But you will snap out of it when you've had a chance to process it all. Some people are lucky in that they process events more quickly the "yeah-he/she isnt worth it, move on. Full stop" brigade. Lucky them. You are not one of them, from what Ive read in your posts. The one thing you need to get rid of though is the hope that this is fixable. Now maybe in a few months when everyones heads are together a bit more, it might work out. We can never say never. But I'd bet money on it that when you do process everything thats going on, and give it a little bit of time, and the self-flogging becomes less or stops, if she comes back to you, you might have a different opinion of her then. You'll think "how could someone whos supposed to love me do this"? Then youll realise that there is no trust there.

03-03-2012, 12:16	#94
advice 101 Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	I'm really sorry to hear that you went through that before this. But as hard as it is - try not to consider it a factor in the break up...like I said before, when most couples or people go through hard times, it brings them closer to their partner, gets them to call on them for more support. Judging from this threat, I can't imagine you were completely insensitive and ignored the situation, although this is all I have to go by. It doesn't sound at all like she is breaking up with you because you weren't there for her enough, if that were the case, she would have said so. At the moment you are looking for something to pin it on, but I really believe this isn't the reason, as little as I know about the situation. This is just your mind wanting to blame yourself, wanting to find a solid reason.

03-03-2012, 13:17	#95
mike0c Registered User Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 15 Adverts \| Friends	The above posters have given you some great advice. At the end of the day you know her better than anyone else but you cant force someone into something they dont want. In saying that your last post puts a bit of a different spin on things. I still wouldnt be hopeful of changing her mind. I think she probably needs the space to sort her own head out. Maybe she no longer sees you as the man she wants in her life because of all of that. I know its tough going thru all of this especially with that on top of it all but if she says no then what other choice have you got?