[dermatrov]

This is a strange question, but I am struggling with an answer.

Last year I volunteered for a charity and went abroad to Haiti for a week working on a project, having raised a lot of money doing it.

It was a very worthwhile experience, albeit mentally and physically tough.

I recently signed up again to go away later this year. I did however make an assumption that it would be ok with my family (my partner appeared to be very supportive the last time), as did my kids who were very proud of my trip and what I did etc.

My partner however made it very clear that my giving up my time, and taking a few days holiday from work to help others in a poor country was in fact selfish towards my own family. (charity begins at home etc etc)

I must say I am indeed stumped, as I didnt think this was a consideration (I do have 4 weeks holidays with my family aswell)

Has anybody any views on this (apart from calling me an idiot for not considering my family etc)

Am I being selfish giving up a week for strangers?

Thanks

Dermatrov

[Rasheed]

Well fair play to you for doing that, I think you are mighty for starters.
Is your partner maybe struggling with the children when you are gone?
Or maybe they just really miss you? Os maybe they are worried about you? Can't have been easy thinking of you over in Haiti, so far away with all the horror surrounding you?
Has your partner just mentioned that they are annoyed about you leaving the children?

[dermatrov]

Thanks Rasheed

TBH I think it was just that she thinks 2 years in a row fund raising and going away 'on my own' is selfish towards her and my kids.

Haiti was tough, it is hell on earth, but when you see the smiles on the faces of the people when you hand over their new home to them, or paint their church/orphanadge or whatever, it more than makes up for the dirt, heat, smells, sheer indescribable poverty you see.

Having seen that and some really horrible human realities, you wouldnt ordainarily think it would attract you back, and certainly not something that would draw you to instead of a nice week with your family, but, it does, the fact that you can in some very small way help a bit is attractive. I dont think it is selfish- but maybe thats the point. Maybe I am being selfish for not seeing that point. I dont know.


QUOTE=Rasheed;79580184]Well fair play to you for doing that, I think you are mighty for starters.
Is your partner maybe struggling with the children when you are gone?
Or maybe they just really miss you? Os maybe they are worried about you? Can't have been easy thinking of you over in Haiti, so far away with all the horror surrounding you?
Has your partner just mentioned that they are annoyed about you leaving the children?[/QUOTE]

[Rasheed]

Well I don't think you are but I'm not your partner! I mean I always wanted to volunteer for a month each summer in that Niall Mellon thing in Africa but health won't allow me so I can imagine that you'd want to go back and help.

As you said, you have four weeks off to spend with her and the children, it shouldnt be a major problem.

I suppose I can kinda see her point of view, but it's not as if you are going to Vegas with the lads! Maybe just chat her again, explain how you loved it, enjoyed making a difference and that you'll make it up to them when you get home! Throw in a big bottle of perfume from the duty free!

[dory]

Just to be devil advocate here: I see her point.

You do the fundraising, which probably takes up a lot of time and she might not like you asking friends and family for money.

Then you get to go over to Haiti in a week, unless you're highly skilled in some trade you're most likely taking a job from an unskilled local. Then you get to do your bit of work and get to feel great about it when you see the reaction of the very grateful locals.

They way she sees it you're flying off to a far away land to get an ego boost when people tell you you've changed their lives (when really they could have done the work themselves if the money was there) and all the while she's at home alone with the kids.

[mooliki]

I have a question, which, depending on the answer, may lead to seeing her point of view. Are there any times in the year, or past years were your partner has taken an equally long time to travel by herself to pursue her own wishes, leaving you in sole care of the children? Is it an equal share, where you get a week in the year to do something you feel passionately about and she takes a week in the year to follow a passion? I think the act of volunteer work is itself a mostly selfless endeavor, but within the context of a family relationship and isn't quite so straightforward.

[dermatrov]

dory

Are you being serious?

Fundraising, was mostly done by selling stuff I bought cheap and sold on and coffee mornings People got something for their money.

I have a skilled trade - my skills are not there locally

Feel great? I needed councilling, as some of what I seen I couldnt type (feel great? - Not how I would describe it. Feel worthwhile, like I was making a small difference to some peoples lives - yes.)

Ego boost? Maybe, but not for that reason. Becuase I genuinely felt I had contributed something good. (not enough though)

Do the work themselves...if they had the money....clearly you really have no clue about Haiti and the state the place is in. ....
9 million very poor people in a devastated place the size of Munster, with the lowest capital worth in the entire world, with no hope, only that people will help them.

Home with the kids? - again, wrong. She was on holidays when I was away working in 44 degree heat, 80% humidity for 14 hours a day.



)

Originally Posted by dory

Just to be devil advocate here: I see her point.

You do the fundraising, which probably takes up a lot of time and she might not like you asking friends and family for money.

Then you get to go over to Haiti in a week, unless you're highly skilled in some trade you're most likely taking a job from an unskilled local. Then you get to do your bit of work and get to feel great about it when you see the reaction of the very grateful locals.

They way she sees it you're flying off to a far away land to get an ego boost when people tell you you've changed their lives (when really they could have done the work themselves if the money was there) and all the while she's at home alone with the kids.

[dermatrov]

I agree it is complex, hence my post.

Does that mean people in a family space shoulnt do it?

When I was away, she too was away on holiday. That was her wish. She was resting, I was not. I could have gone on that too, but chose to help out very poor people instead. That was my wish.

Originally Posted by mooliki

I have a question, which, depending on the answer, may lead to seeing her point of view. Are there any times in the year, or past years were your partner has taken an equally long time to travel by herself to pursue her own wishes, leaving you in sole care of the children? Is it an equal share, where you get a week in the year to do something you feel passionately about and she takes a week in the year to follow a passion? I think the act of volunteer work is itself a mostly selfless endeavor, but within the context of a family relationship and isn't quite so straightforward.

[Icarus Wings]

Hey dermatov! I have to commend you for your previous volunteer work and for considering returning to it. I'm sure you are fully aware of this but so many areas of the world and elements of society need volunteers such as yourself in order to survive and develop. I often think that the world would be a far sadder place without the selfless contribution of volunteers...

Personally, I don't believe you are being selfish but whenever I do volunteer with an organisation, I am nearly always told to consider what effects the work will have on other aspects of my life (such as relationships with family and friends). However, commitments to others does not mean that volunteerism is competely out of the question.

Judging from your posts on this thread, I can tell that you know your skills are vital in improving lives in Haiti and that you are making a differance. The best thing you can do is sit down with your partner and explain your reasons for going back. Ensure that you listen to her concerns as well and ask if there is anything you can do to reduce these worries without you having to sacrifice your volunteer work. Carefully consider the points of both sides and a compromise may be reached...Best of luck! You will make the right decision for you and your family in the end!

[sheesh]

Originally Posted by dermatrov

I agree it is complex, hence my post.

Does that mean people in a family space shoulnt do it?

When I was away, she too was away on holiday. That was her wish. She was resting, I was not. I could have gone on that too, but chose to help out very poor people instead. That was my wish.

The children were with her though, weren't they? You were off doing something without the children. I know the work in haiti is very important but so is your family and clearly there is an issue here as your other half has said something.

I do not think you should go the second year in a row I think you will have to negotiate with your partner for a second trip

[dory]

You came here asking a question and have no interest in hearing our opinions....right so, enjoy Haiti! You're a champ!

[mooliki]

Originally Posted by dermatrov

I agree it is complex, hence my post.

Does that mean people in a family space shoulnt do it?

When I was away, she too was away on holiday. That was her wish. She was resting, I was not. I could have gone on that too, but chose to help out very poor people instead. That was my wish.

I didn't mean to be accusatory, my apologies if it came across as such. I certainly don't believe it's an activity for those solely without a family.

To be honest, I think this is an issue only you and your partner can truly answer. With deep talks and compassionate thinking on both sides. I don't think anyone can say "if" your being selfish until it's clear "why" you're being selfish. If her attitude towards your volunteerism has changed, then it's possible there's more to the issue than it seems. Sorry I don't have a better reply. Good luck in any case, I hope it's resolved to everyone benefit.

[Jellybaby1]

I have never done anything like the work you have done in Haiti and I have great admiration for people just like you. I have no personal experience of my own but I feel I should share with you the following for what its worth.

I knew a couple of guys who volunteered for various charitable work. The first, a young single man, travelled to the other side of the world, two years running. The third year he was turned down by the charity. He was quite shocked as he felt he had a lot to offer. Their reason, they thought he should stay at home and find a future for himself, a career, a family etc. When he finds that, then he could re-apply. We got the impression that the charity felt he was getting too much of a buzz and they wanted him to mature. He never re-applied after marriage and a houseful of kids.

The second was an older family man who gave all his talents and time to his chosen charities, and there were many. He gave and gave and gave as he thought, with the support of his wife, until he discovered to his surprise that his marriage was in ruins and his wife was on the verge of separating from him and gave him an ultimatum, "save us, or save the rest of the world, you can't do both". It stopped him in his tracks and although he didn't stop all his work, he did cut back a lot.

When I read your OP you reminded me of these two men. Do you see yourself in either case?

The third thing I should say to you is that there is a clue in your original post. You 'made an assumption that it would be ok'. Maybe that is the crux of the thing. Maybe you should have discussed it first.

[marymcm]

I wonder if it is not as simple as you think. You say you found the experience mentally and physically tough, maybe it changed you in more ways than you realized. For your wife and children, maybe it wasn't a case of just missing you for a week. Is it possible that you returned a very different person from the experience? I would imagine that it would change you in a very profound way.

[pwurple]

Home with the kids? - again, wrong. She was on holidays.

You have taken her for granted here. That's the problem. No one likes the assumption that they will just pick up any slack you have left off, while you do whatever you want at their expense.

I'd skip it this year, maybe compromise on the following year instead.