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Friends · 15-07-2012, 00:19

I'm 19, lesbian and I'm just finished school. All my friends are straight and although they're nice, there's a lot of things I keep from them like relationships etc. When I'm out clubbing I've no problem 'getting girls' so to speak, but I've yet to actually like have a proper conversation with another gay girl. I'm usually pretty shy when I'm around other gay people my age like belongto and when I'm at some sort of gay nightclub, I always seem to feel really miserable and I'm not quite sure why. I generally end up mitigating that with copious amounts of alcohol which is really not the best idea I know.

I'm just not sure why I'm feeling how I'm feeling or how to fix it. I kind of expected that once secondary school was done, things would sort of fall into place. Do I just wait until college starts and hope things improve?

gcgirl · 15-07-2012, 01:25

I'd highly recommend Belong 2 I think there is a ladybird section,(think that's what their called) a brill way to meet people

Butterface · 15-07-2012, 20:05

You're not alone in feeling this way. When you make that step into socialising with other gay people for the first time, it can be very nerve-wrecking. You may not normally be so shy, but being thrown into situations like that can make you feel that way.

When I first started going to gay bars, myself and my best friend would stand at the end of the bar, knocking our pints back and looking around nervously. We'd get drunk and have our own fun, but it was never a roaring success and we had better nights out with our straight mates. This went on for about a summer, until eventually we became more comfortable (and less drunk) and started to make conversations with other people, or engaged with people who approached us.

Joining your lgbtq soc at college will be a big help. You don't necessarily have to make a beeline for the other lesbians there in an effort to form friendships. I found that as I had always been more inclined to friendships with guys, that I socialised a lot with gay guys for the first few months, and they introduced me to other gay girls. I'm not going to say it's easy to become immediate friends with other lesbians.. in a nightclub, people are there on the pull and that's mostly it. Another piece of advice that I'm sure I could have benefitted from 7 years ago is.. if you feel like you could be really good friends with somebody, try not to ever let it go further than that just for the sake of one night of fun. Of all my closest lesbian mates, I've never been with any of them. That may not sound like a big deal, but the scene can get quite incestuous and I find my closest friendships are those with no sexual history or the drama that went with it.

I hope you find your feet and start to become more comfortable when you're out.

stephen_n · 16-07-2012, 12:03

Your motivations for going to bars/clubs maybe your downfall! These are generally not the best places to meet people, as most people there will either be socializing with friends and/or on the pull. This creates a very intimidating environment for someone in your situation and is very likely to make you feel uncomfortable. You mentioned belongto, have you talked about this there? Peer support could be very helpful also looking for clubs, societies etc might prove a less intimidating way to introduce yourself to the community. Also it will remove the issue of alcohol which as you point out is not a good idea. Assimilating your sexual identity into your overall identity is very difficult for anyone but you are certainly not alone in feeling how you do.

Legend_Steph · 17-07-2012, 21:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by thersoic

I'm 19, lesbian and I'm just finished school. All my friends are straight and although they're nice, there's a lot of things I keep from them like relationships etc.

I feel the exact same way as you. I'm 20, all my friends are straight apart from 1 gay and 1 Bi guy who are my 2 best guy mates. I avoid talking about my relationships to my straight friends as the typical answers would be "Ahh OK...." "Thats nice...." Yet when it comes to their boyfriends, I'm meant to be deeply sympathetic and understanding. It will be my 21st in October and all because of my straight friends feeling uncomfortable in a gay bar I'll be unable to go to The George or The Dragon for my birthday. Yet when I mentioned War to them which is straight and gay place they still said they wouldn't go as they'd be afraid of a girl hitting on them. Yes I admit I am uncomfortable in a straight club but thats only because I am unable to meet girls there and my friends always end up leaving me standing by myself to go off with their boyfriends. Since I've come out (4 years ago) I haven't been to a gay bar yet.

I apologise for trailing off! With college: College will without a doubt be the place to meet other LGBT people. There is no pressure or anything.

floggg · 18-07-2012, 11:35

OP I think it might if you tried to make a few LGBT friends outside of bars/dating/hooking up scene first. There's plenty of stuff like wet and wild or running amach were you get to know people.

When I started going out on the gay first I tended to feel a bit pissed off myself on nights out at times - I resented that I had to make new friends, that I had to go off on my own to gay bars and that none of my friends were there for me the way I would have liked them to be.

I joined a few social groups though and met some new friends, and once I did I started to really enjoy going out on the scene. It was no longer a case of me having to go to a gay bar to try and meet people but more a case of me going to a bar (which happened to be gay) to meet up with my friends - and if I scored all the better.

I think if your there on your own though without really knowing anybody your always going to feel a little uncomfortable and out of your depth.

15-07-2012, 00:19	#1
thersoic Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	Why is this so hard? I'm 19, lesbian and I'm just finished school. All my friends are straight and although they're nice, there's a lot of things I keep from them like relationships etc. When I'm out clubbing I've no problem 'getting girls' so to speak, but I've yet to actually like have a proper conversation with another gay girl. I'm usually pretty shy when I'm around other gay people my age like belongto and when I'm at some sort of gay nightclub, I always seem to feel really miserable and I'm not quite sure why. I generally end up mitigating that with copious amounts of alcohol which is really not the best idea I know. I'm just not sure why I'm feeling how I'm feeling or how to fix it. I kind of expected that once secondary school was done, things would sort of fall into place. Do I just wait until college starts and hope things improve?

15-07-2012, 01:25	#2
gcgirl Registered User Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: the other side of insanity Posts: 3,758 Adverts \| Friends	I'd highly recommend Belong 2 I think there is a ladybird section,(think that's what their called) a brill way to meet people

15-07-2012, 20:05	#3
Butterface Registered User Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 235 Adverts \| Friends	You're not alone in feeling this way. When you make that step into socialising with other gay people for the first time, it can be very nerve-wrecking. You may not normally be so shy, but being thrown into situations like that can make you feel that way. When I first started going to gay bars, myself and my best friend would stand at the end of the bar, knocking our pints back and looking around nervously. We'd get drunk and have our own fun, but it was never a roaring success and we had better nights out with our straight mates. This went on for about a summer, until eventually we became more comfortable (and less drunk) and started to make conversations with other people, or engaged with people who approached us. Joining your lgbtq soc at college will be a big help. You don't necessarily have to make a beeline for the other lesbians there in an effort to form friendships. I found that as I had always been more inclined to friendships with guys, that I socialised a lot with gay guys for the first few months, and they introduced me to other gay girls. I'm not going to say it's easy to become immediate friends with other lesbians.. in a nightclub, people are there on the pull and that's mostly it. Another piece of advice that I'm sure I could have benefitted from 7 years ago is.. if you feel like you could be really good friends with somebody, try not to ever let it go further than that just for the sake of one night of fun. Of all my closest lesbian mates, I've never been with any of them. That may not sound like a big deal, but the scene can get quite incestuous and I find my closest friendships are those with no sexual history or the drama that went with it. I hope you find your feet and start to become more comfortable when you're out.

16-07-2012, 12:03	#4
stephen_n Registered User Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Tallaght Posts: 2,345 Adverts \| Friends	Your motivations for going to bars/clubs maybe your downfall! These are generally not the best places to meet people, as most people there will either be socializing with friends and/or on the pull. This creates a very intimidating environment for someone in your situation and is very likely to make you feel uncomfortable. You mentioned belongto, have you talked about this there? Peer support could be very helpful also looking for clubs, societies etc might prove a less intimidating way to introduce yourself to the community. Also it will remove the issue of alcohol which as you point out is not a good idea. Assimilating your sexual identity into your overall identity is very difficult for anyone but you are certainly not alone in feeling how you do.

18-07-2012, 11:35	#6
floggg Registered User Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2,189 Adverts \| Friends	OP I think it might if you tried to make a few LGBT friends outside of bars/dating/hooking up scene first. There's plenty of stuff like wet and wild or running amach were you get to know people. When I started going out on the gay first I tended to feel a bit pissed off myself on nights out at times - I resented that I had to make new friends, that I had to go off on my own to gay bars and that none of my friends were there for me the way I would have liked them to be. I joined a few social groups though and met some new friends, and once I did I started to really enjoy going out on the scene. It was no longer a case of me having to go to a gay bar to try and meet people but more a case of me going to a bar (which happened to be gay) to meet up with my friends - and if I scored all the better. I think if your there on your own though without really knowing anybody your always going to feel a little uncomfortable and out of your depth.