[Wibbs]

Originally Posted by 1ZRed

Gnobe, you can't keep comparing your own life to that which might be typical of a 25 year old. You are your own man with his own personal life which comes with its own problems. Yeah, you're different but so are all of us. We all have different issues and fears to face.

Quoted for truth. Plus typical for a 25 year old is pretty damn difficult to pin down anyway. I think one of the big stresses on people in the modern world are these kind of comparisons. No matter who we are, no matter how successful, no matter how many women/men in our lives, there's always an image(usually bogus or enhanced) foisted upon us of someone doing better and our social minds can get lost and confused because of it. Add in the relative lack of solid social and developmental structures and milestones when compared to the past when life seemed a lot more predictable and no wonder people can find themselves adrift.

Gnobe, life is not a checklist of things to tick off that will then magically make you happy. It really isn't. I guarantee that reading this there is at least one mid 20's man not unlike you, but with many women in his past, a large circle of friends, the "life and soul of the party", a life you think would make sense looking in, but a man who is depressed like you. While of course circumstances can have a major impact, its the illness/condition that makes the difference.

I know I've said it before, but it's important IMH. The one sure thing in life is change. Even if you do nothing things will change, but if you do something things will change and for the better for you. You're on that road now with your treatment. That was the most important step and a very brave one too. That's a change right there. Maybe you're not seeing the benefits yet, but I guarantee in a years time you will see more changes.

[shuridunno]

For Gnobe.

Counselling can take a long time, but don't let that put you off, I thought I was ready to finish up a few weeks ago and it turned outr I was only ready to start.

''Life is difficult'', this is the first line from the book, The Road Less Travelled, I read that line and never got much further. You even have to be in the right frame of mind to read self help books, sometimes they actually make me feel worse.

The only thing you can be sure of in life is that it's happening, right here, right now and as each day passes, it's gone and you don't get it back.

It's very difficult to change your thinking pattern and at the moment you are locked into a very negative one, but you are taking all the right steps to breaking out.

Give yourself time, give yourself patience, stop judging and comparing yourself to others, forgive the past and take each day as it comes...a load of bollox right.....but you'll eventually get there.

I was so shy as a teen I used to hide to have my lunch, I was called Rover and barked at as I was ugly(which I'm not, I'm no stunner, but I'm not the elephant man either), I was called a freak and that was outside the home. At home I was called useless, stupid, spastic and never lived up to the expectations of others.

It took time for me to realise I only have to live up to my own expectations.

Life is hard. After I got over the trauma that was my childhood, from which I still have ''residual quirks''(my term) or emotional scars(the counsellors term), I got married and still the **** rolled in. We now can't have kids and I feel once again society is judging and calling me a freak because I can't have kids, but they're not, it's just my conditioned response to the situation. Because, no one gives a ****e whether I can have kids or not.

So you are not a freak, a misfit, or any other term you think you have been labelled. You won't learn to cope over night, you will always have to keep your thought process in check, but it gets easier.

The less harsh you are on yourself the easier it gets and then you will accept yourself and change your opinion and thoughts, but not your personality.

For Markie29. I hope you feel better today, try to get outside for some fresh air, no matter how hard it feels. Take care.

[cloud493]

Hope everyone else has had a reasonably ok weekend

[ThomasFlynn]

Originally Posted by 1ZRed

And you're a virgin. So what. It doesn't make you any worse or less of a man. You have your own circumstances as to why that is and people will understand that -I'm positive of it. Nobody is that heartless and shallow and a good, kind and honest guy like you wouldn't attract anyone that negative anyway so I think you should put that aside and let the past sit there, and focus on you getting better. And when the time is right, and you're feeling like a new man, you will have all these things you wanted and more

I'm not sure if this helps, especially considering I'm crap at getting my point across through text (and I'm not very good at giving advice or reassurance) but at the very very least you have support here. Nobody is seeing you in this this negative light that you think you're in. I for one want you to be happy and to get what you want because you really do deserve them, no matter what you think buddy.

Nah its a great post and I really really appreciate it (and all the other posts). They're excellent reads.

I'll work hard to change some aspects of my life, try and become more social etc. But I think part of the problem is that I don't think any women would want me long term. So in my mind I think there's no chance I'll ever get girlfriend and so have to live with that for the rest of my life. I just suck socially and thats it. I don't come across as very confident and so I feel I'm a womens nightmare and doing them a favour by having them not to have me. Thats basically the crux of how I feel all my life.

Its not the way I look thats the problem, far from it, all my councillors are suprised I've never had a girlfriend, my female said I was a "good looking guy and had a lot going for me" "well above average" and all this but then again she would say that!

I'm convinced nobody wants me and convinced I'm loser, so start thinking all these thoughts about darwinism, natural selection etc I'm not meant to have my genes passed on. And its really hard to get out of that thinking pattern.

I got a book today, "Mind over Mood" recommended by my GP. I'm starting some CBT as well by writing stuff down, ranking moods out of 10 with different activities etc. Its quite interesting actually, seeing my thinking patterns in detail, what makes me happy, what doesn't etc. So I have to hand that in tomorrow to my councillor and discuss my activities etc and all this stuff in detail.

[Jernal]

While you're at I suggest you read up on evolution. Lots of people have misconceptions about it. That said, we're an evolved social species, with our own set of social constructs; we shouldn't be looking to nature for examples on how to behave or act.

I would assume that women are just as apprehensive as guys when it comes to committing to the long term. But obviously I can only assume that. I know you'll get sick of hearing this but you need to stop thinking so negatively of yourself. You're just as capable as any other male of having a relationship. For one it seems you respect females by thinking of doing them favours, helping them out, lots of guys just want the girl for the benefits. Stop thinking that you're not good enough because I'd say no woman expects Mr Perfect. You've already showed that you're actually considerate. Probably for the wrong reason though.

[bee_keeper]

Originally Posted by Gnobe

Nah its a great post and I really really appreciate it (and all the other posts). They're excellent reads.

I'll work hard to change some aspects of my life, try and become more social etc. But I think part of the problem is that I don't think any women would want me long term. So in my mind I think there's no chance I'll ever get girlfriend and so have to live with that for the rest of my life. I just suck socially and thats it. I don't come across as very confident and so I feel I'm a womens nightmare and doing them a favour by having them not to have me. Thats basically the crux of how I feel all my life.

Its not the way I look thats the problem, far from it, all my councillors are suprised I've never had a girlfriend, my female said I was a "good looking guy and had a lot going for me" "well above average" and all this but then again she would say that!

I'm convinced nobody wants me and convinced I'm loser, so start thinking all these thoughts about darwinism, natural selection etc I'm not meant to have my genes passed on. And its really hard to get out of that thinking pattern.

I got a book today, "Mind over Mood" recommended by my GP. I'm starting some CBT as well by writing stuff down, ranking moods out of 10 with different activities etc. Its quite interesting actually, seeing my thinking patterns in detail, what makes me happy, what doesn't etc. So I have to hand that in tomorrow to my councillor and discuss my activities etc and all this stuff in detail.

why not head to australia or canada for a year on a working holiday , finding a wife will be the last thing on your mind over there , i sugested this to you already and you didnt reply

[ThomasFlynn]

Originally Posted by bee_keeper

why not head to australia or canada for a year on a working holiday , finding a wife will be the last thing on your mind over there , i sugested this to you already and you didnt reply

Sorry I should have replied and must have missed it.

I spoke about this to my councillor and she was against it. She said that friendships in hostels tend to be very short term and being so far away with my mental state might not be a good thing right now when I need access to help etc.

I'm considering going on holiday to these countries though shortly (on my own) but just as a holiday.

[ThomasFlynn]

Originally Posted by Jernal

I would assume that women are just as apprehensive as guys when it comes to committing to the long term. But obviously I can only assume that. I know you'll get sick of hearing this but you need to stop thinking so negatively of yourself. You're just as capable as any other male of having a relationship. For one it seems you respect females by thinking of doing them favours, helping them out, lots of guys just want the girl for the benefits. Stop thinking that you're not good enough because I'd say no woman expects Mr Perfect. You've already showed that you're actually considerate. Probably for the wrong reason though.

I'll be honest with you.

The reason why I wanted to kill myself in the past, and haven't ruled it out in the future, say in 6 months/years time or whatever probably is because I'm not relevant to society anymore. I have no purpose to live, I'll never have friends, I'll never a girlfriend and I think in my mind if I was better off just dead as I have no relevance anymore.

I thought to myself if I was a tennis player (watching wimbledon at the moment) I would probably have my career, and then kill myself afterwards as I have nothing to live for. I can't make friends and I can't get girlfriends so I would serve no purpose to live after tennis. There's no point going through my life the way I am.

I had these thoughts about university, I thought well I try to get a first class honours and go out with a bang (and kill myself then) as I have nothing else to live for/offer afterwards as I suck socially and its too painful living with it. I was having these thoughts as young as 18 just before I started university, thinking I'll be dead in 4-5 years time anyway so lets try and get a "good degree" and die with some sort of pride.

Now I'm at a critical age now of where I've finished my degree and only got a 2.2 (I blame my depression/lack of motivation due to poor life prospects for that) and feel like a failure because of it, (I'm due to get a merit in my masters however).

But in my mind, I've served my purpose for life, I have nothing to live for, no life prospects, never going to be happy so I'll have to look into suicide at some point in the future. Say in 6-12 months. I've been thinking about a death timeline for 5-6 years now. So this is pretty much the crux of my thinking for my entire adult life so far if you like. Served my purpose, time to go sort of thing.

[bee_keeper]

Originally Posted by Gnobe

Sorry I should have replied and must have missed it.

I spoke about this to my councillor and she was against it. She said that friendships in hostels tend to be very short term and being so far away with my mental state might not be a good thing right now when I need access to help etc.

I'm considering going on holiday to these countries though shortly (on my own) but just as a holiday.

counscellors are always against bold independant moves which is something you need to make in the end anyhow , you need to prioritise actions aswell as words

sometimes you have to dive in at the deep ends in order to reinvigorate yourself , your stronger than you think , you just dont realise it , therapists are happy to wrap you in cotton wool for years

[bee_keeper]

Originally Posted by Gnobe

I'll be honest with you.

The reason why I wanted to kill myself in the past, and haven't ruled it out in the future, say in 6 months/years time or whatever probably is because I'm not relevant to society anymore. I have no purpose to live, I'll never have friends, I'll never a girlfriend and I think in my mind if I was better off just dead as I have no relevance anymore.

I thought to myself if I was a tennis player (watching wimbledon at the moment) I would probably have my career, and then kill myself afterwards as I have nothing to live for. I can't make friends and I can't get girlfriends so I would serve no purpose to live after tennis. There's no point going through my life the way I am.

I had these thoughts about university, I thought well I try to get a first class honours and go out with a bang (and kill myself then) as I have nothing else to live for/offer afterwards as I suck socially and its too painful living with the pain. I was having these thoughts as young as 18 just before I started university, thinking I'll be dead in 4-5 years time anyway so lets try and get a "good degree" and die with some sort of pride.

Now I'm at a critical age now of where I've finished my degree and only got a 2.2 (I blame my depression/lack of motivation due to poor life prospects for that) and feel like a failure because of it, (I'm due to get a merit in my masters however).

But in my mind, I've served my purpose for life, I have nothing to live for, no life prospects, never going to be happy so I'll have to look into suicide at some point in the future. Say in 6-12 months. I've been thinking about a death timeline for 5-6 years now. So this is pretty much the crux of my thinking for my entire adult life so far.

trust me , your not all that unique , a sizeable number of people have no relevance and the world would not miss them if they were gone ( myself included ) but they find meaning in the small things

no offense but you come across as someone with high expectations despite your despair , most people never achieve spectacular success , its a bit of a disapointment but eventually we grow up and realise , life aint easy and we have to make do the best we can

[DeVore]

Gnobe, talking is good, and you can talk to us but I'm uncomfortable with casual references to suicide. Please listen to your therapist and talk to them because your judgement doesn't seem to be good at the moment and in those times I've found I need to go to someone I trust and say "I'm thinking this way, is that correct or baloney?".




To everyone else, I started this thread as a way of telling people my experiences so that I could share what I've learned (and am learning!) through those experiences. I would prefer if we steer away from saying "dood, you should totally do XYZ" as it may not be helpful and may not be the best thing for someone else and their situation. Share your experiences, tell your story, explain where you are, how you got there and especially what helped you and then let people take from it what they find useful. Thanks...

[ThomasFlynn]

I have a councillor appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm, my first since 15th of may since she was on holiday last week.

Tbh I would really like counselling much more frequently, its making me resort to coming on here and the internet too much and posting ramblings that people can't obviously help me with.

I have had six councilling appointments so far in 7 weeks, and only 1 mental therapist session but all he was doing was taking notes down, not offering any advice.

My psycologist meeting is on the 2nd of july so hopefully some sort of constructive help this time. At the moment I just feel 1 hour a week isn't really good enough for me and would like more hours in the week at the moment. I know some of its got to be my own work, but really I feel so lonely at the moment with it.

[1ZRed]

Originally Posted by Gnobe

I'll be honest with you.

The reason why I wanted to kill myself in the past, and haven't ruled it out in the future, say in 6 months/years time or whatever probably is because I'm not relevant to society anymore. I have no purpose to live, I'll never have friends, I'll never a girlfriend and I think in my mind if I was better off just dead as I have no relevance anymore.

I thought to myself if I was a tennis player (watching wimbledon at the moment) I would probably have my career, and then kill myself afterwards as I have nothing to live for. I can't make friends and I can't get girlfriends so I would serve no purpose to live after tennis. There's no point going through my life the way I am.

I had these thoughts about university, I thought well I try to get a first class honours and go out with a bang (and kill myself then) as I have nothing else to live for/offer afterwards as I suck socially and its too painful living with the pain. I was having these thoughts as young as 18 just before I started university, thinking I'll be dead in 4-5 years time anyway so lets try and get a "good degree" and die with some sort of pride.

Now I'm at a critical age now of where I've finished my degree and only got a 2.2 (I blame my depression/lack of motivation due to poor life prospects for that) and feel like a failure because of it, (I'm due to get a merit in my masters however).

But in my mind, I've served my purpose for life, I have nothing to live for, no life prospects, never going to be happy so I'll have to look into suicide at some point in the future. Say in 6-12 months. I've been thinking about a death timeline for 5-6 years now. So this is pretty much the crux of my thinking for my entire adult life so far.

Look, I'll tell you something I haven't told anyone before, but when I was about 16 and coming to grips with my sexuality, I really did consider suicide. I know it seemed desperate at the time but it's a very common thought for gay/bi guys at that age. I can't say I was terribly unhappy with my life, it's just this thing was holding me back, the thing that would make my life harder.
Sometimes I felt very overwhelmed because I was dealing with this secretly and trying to do my leaving cert at 16. I really did use the exams as a distraction but it kind of helped.
It's only afterwards that I told myself that it's easy to sit back, play the victim and feel sorry for myself. If I want my life to change I was going to have to take it by the balls and make what I wanted out of it.

You think you have no purpose right now? I've been on the biggest waste of a year out ever! no jobs going after sending countless CVs out. I was even too young to go on the dole ffs! (I didn't want to but it was just typical)
But everything happens for a reason and if there's one thing I can take away from this is that I understand myself a lot more and I value myself more. Best thing you did was to seek help and look after yourself.

You have endless possiblities at your finger tips man! You say you don't have any commitments here so do something crazy and fun and take off travelling for yourself. I know it's daunting but you need to live for you and not for your emotions because if you lean on them too heavily, you'll realise you're your own worst enemy. It's the same for everyone.

You think I couldn't have done better with my exams and stuff? I really could have but that's in the past and I don't like to look there any more-it's pointless.
I know I'm a strong guy and I have loads of potential so I'm going to steer my life to where I want and get what I want out of it. And I'm happier already because of it

Honestly dude why be your own emotions' bitch? You're way too good for that!
And I'd believe what your counsellor told you, you're a good looking well above average guy so don't forget that!

This sounds really stupid but when I was feeling that low a few years ago I looked down and said "If there's one thing I have left it's my size so **** it,I'm going to make someone else happy with this besides me. I'm not going to waste it!"

So you're not someone worthless to society, if anything you have a lot to give from the impression I've gotten from you here. I'd really hate for you to cut it short and not have the life you want and will get eventually

[bee_keeper]

Originally Posted by Gnobe

I have a councillor appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm, my first since 15th of may since she was on holiday last week.

Tbh I would really like counselling much more frequently, its making me resort to coming on here and the internet too much and posting ramblings that people can't obviously help me with.

I have had six councilling appointments so far in 7 weeks, and only 1 mental therapist session but all he was doing was taking notes down, not offering any advice.

My psycologist meeting is on the 2nd of july so hopefully some sort of constructive help this time. At the moment I just feel 1 hour a week isn't really good enough for me and would like more hours in the week at the moment. I know some of its got to be my own work, but really I feel so lonely at the moment with it.

eventually you will have to stand on your own two feet , thats why i recomended taking a great leap forward approach , you take on your fears and insecuritys which are holding you back with gutso , endless therapy is the comfort blanket safe approach , raking over history with a therapist might seem attractive for a while but what are you achieving at the end of the day , i can tell your a bright enough fellow and your ambitions are standard wants and needs , i dont honestly think their is much wrong with you bar bog standard blues , i reckon if you done some travelling ( your the perfect age ) , you would experience an age of discovery and rebirth

what have you to loose

[Jernal]

Bee keeper,

I know you mean well but, really, we're not in a position to make such judgements or give such advice. All we've read is Gnobe's words on an internet message board, we don't know him. He may very well be holding something back and with good reason. All we can do is support and listen to him.