Boards.ie

declanmac · 15-06-2012, 09:15

Hi

would really appreciate peoples opinion on this as i really am in a tough situation

I've been seeing a girl for the last month or two,we have known each other a while but decided to give it ago,shes 30 in July im just after turning 24 she already has a 10 year old
we were talking in bed the other night and she revealed she never wants to have children again that she's done the whole pregnancy thing,that if she was ready for kids again it would be 4/5 years and her kid will be grown up so there would be no point,now not to sound that I'm rushing things but i do eventually want kids,when i asked her what if the person shes with wants kids she said "well i would be kinda screwed"

we get on super and there is definite possibility of a future but i don't think i can go forward knowing if i stay with her i wont have kids and i think if i stay with her 2/3 years down the line and she still feels the same i will be 26/27 she will be 32/33 i think it could be easier if i do something about it now

let me know your thoughts

much appreciated

***Beruthiel*** · 15-06-2012, 09:26

That could have been me 12 years ago OP.
I already had a daughter when I met my now hubby and told him I would not be having anymore children.
I told him very early on in the relationship as I had no intention of changing my mind on that and he should walk away now if he had children in mind.

Your g/f has done the exact same thing with you.
She has told you early on in your relationship so that you are under no illusions and can walk away before you both get too involved.
As she has done this, then like me, you can take it as fact, there will be no children.
If you want them at some point in the future, walk away now.
She has made her mind up, she won't be changing it and you have no right to ask her to.

P. Breathnach · 15-06-2012, 09:28

You have a basic incompatibility in your life targets. Your relationship is fairly new, so the emotional commitment might not be deep-rooted. It might be better to call it quits now rather than get more involved and create the potential for greater pain down the road.

I am a friend · 15-06-2012, 10:25

That's a hard one op but there is no point staying thinking she may change her mind cos she won't. There is a thread in the ladies lounge discussing this and most people state they would not have kids to keep their oh's happy, if they didn't want them.

xXLaneyXx · 15-06-2012, 10:34

OP its a deal breaker, If having children is a big must for you and something you truly want then why stay with someone who is adamant they dont want any. Your young and you have lots of time to meet someone else who will feel the same as you. Its early on in the relationship and this girl is making it plain clear to you now what she wants. This is your oportunity to tell her how you feel.

declanmac · 15-06-2012, 13:34

thank you all look like there is one obvious outcome

thanks again

Piliger · 15-06-2012, 16:42

Hi OP. The above comments are right.

This lady is doing you a favour. She is setting you straight about what she wants in life. It would have been nicer if she had told you a while ago, but at least she is telling you now.

It's a tough one, but this is one of the truly core driving forces in our lives. I think you already know what you have to do.

Best of luck !

MariMel · 17-06-2012, 19:32

honestly you have only been seeing this woman for a month or two.....how do you know you will be together in 6 months let alone 2, 3 or 4 yrs time?
I know in my early 30s I was seeing someone in his early 20s and the last thing on earth I would have admitted to him was that I actually wanted more kids.
He was a great guy but since I had a child already....there was no way I would have even remotely considered even entertaining the idea of children until I was in a long term secure, stable relationship and definitely not in one still in the honeymoon rose tinted stage.
I will admit that when I was 24 I started seeing a man who had a child, we even moved in together and our one and only fight was over me wanting kids albeit it into the future and him not wanting them. We split up a 18 mths later over an entirely different reason and he phoned me up 7yrs after we split to tell me he was married and a dad again with plans for more.

OP I would say, give it a few more months before you make any rash decisions on whether or not to end this relationship. Good luck whatever you decide.

15-06-2012, 09:15	#1
declanmac Registered User Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 16 Adverts \| Friends	she doesn't want children Hi would really appreciate peoples opinion on this as i really am in a tough situation I've been seeing a girl for the last month or two,we have known each other a while but decided to give it ago,shes 30 in July im just after turning 24 she already has a 10 year old we were talking in bed the other night and she revealed she never wants to have children again that she's done the whole pregnancy thing,that if she was ready for kids again it would be 4/5 years and her kid will be grown up so there would be no point,now not to sound that I'm rushing things but i do eventually want kids,when i asked her what if the person shes with wants kids she said "well i would be kinda screwed" we get on super and there is definite possibility of a future but i don't think i can go forward knowing if i stay with her i wont have kids and i think if i stay with her 2/3 years down the line and she still feels the same i will be 26/27 she will be 32/33 i think it could be easier if i do something about it now let me know your thoughts much appreciated

15-06-2012, 09:26	#2
*Beruthiel* omnipotent and omniscient Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: The Cliffs of Insanity Posts: 37,900 Adverts \| Friends Admin: Category Moderators, Mustard, PearTree House, Reported Posts, Subscribers	That could have been me 12 years ago OP. I already had a daughter when I met my now hubby and told him I would not be having anymore children. I told him very early on in the relationship as I had no intention of changing my mind on that and he should walk away now if he had children in mind. Your g/f has done the exact same thing with you. She has told you early on in your relationship so that you are under no illusions and can walk away before you both get too involved. As she has done this, then like me, you can take it as fact, there will be no children. If you want them at some point in the future, walk away now. She has made her mind up, she won't be changing it and you have no right to ask her to.

15-06-2012, 09:28	#3
P. Breathnach Registered User Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 8,045 Adverts \| Friends	You have a basic incompatibility in your life targets. Your relationship is fairly new, so the emotional commitment might not be deep-rooted. It might be better to call it quits now rather than get more involved and create the potential for greater pain down the road.

15-06-2012, 10:25	#4
I am a friend Closed Account Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,398 Adverts \| Friends	That's a hard one op but there is no point staying thinking she may change her mind cos she won't. There is a thread in the ladies lounge discussing this and most people state they would not have kids to keep their oh's happy, if they didn't want them.

15-06-2012, 10:34	#5
xXLaneyXx Registered User Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 52 Adverts \| Friends	OP its a deal breaker, If having children is a big must for you and something you truly want then why stay with someone who is adamant they dont want any. Your young and you have lots of time to meet someone else who will feel the same as you. Its early on in the relationship and this girl is making it plain clear to you now what she wants. This is your oportunity to tell her how you feel.

15-06-2012, 13:34	#6
declanmac Registered User Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 16 Adverts \| Friends	thank you all look like there is one obvious outcome thanks again

15-06-2012, 16:42	#7
Piliger Registered User Join Date: May 2002 Location: Dublin/London Posts: 2,597 Adverts \| Friends	Hi OP. The above comments are right. This lady is doing you a favour. She is setting you straight about what she wants in life. It would have been nicer if she had told you a while ago, but at least she is telling you now. It's a tough one, but this is one of the truly core driving forces in our lives. I think you already know what you have to do. Best of luck !

17-06-2012, 19:32	#8
MariMel Registered User Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Louth Posts: 303 Adverts \| Friends	honestly you have only been seeing this woman for a month or two.....how do you know you will be together in 6 months let alone 2, 3 or 4 yrs time? I know in my early 30s I was seeing someone in his early 20s and the last thing on earth I would have admitted to him was that I actually wanted more kids. He was a great guy but since I had a child already....there was no way I would have even remotely considered even entertaining the idea of children until I was in a long term secure, stable relationship and definitely not in one still in the honeymoon rose tinted stage. I will admit that when I was 24 I started seeing a man who had a child, we even moved in together and our one and only fight was over me wanting kids albeit it into the future and him not wanting them. We split up a 18 mths later over an entirely different reason and he phoned me up 7yrs after we split to tell me he was married and a dad again with plans for more. OP I would say, give it a few more months before you make any rash decisions on whether or not to end this relationship. Good luck whatever you decide.