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29-05-2012, 11:47   #1
robynhoode
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Dealing with Partner's Ex?

Hi everyone, going unreg for this. Well I don't know where to begin with this tbh! I'll start with a bit of a background to the situation. Been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 5year old (her father is not on the scene) and he has 2 kids (8 and 11) from a previous relationship. His marriage broke down 4 and a half years ago (wasn't working for a long time, she decided to end it). Things were fairly ok with access and maintenance etc until he started seeing me.

From day 1 his ex took a massive dislike to me and has gone out of her way to make it almost impossible for us to be together. She wouldn't let his kids meet me for the first year (which I went along with, I just wanted things to be easy for the kids). He has access to his kids every day he has off - 1 day a week and every second weekend. I never go with him during his weekday with them, and the weekends he has them I usually only spend a few hours on the Sunday with them. This is the only proper free time that I get to spend with my partner due to his job and access arrangements. His ex would moan that I am constantly there when he has his kids and that I need to back off, when in reality I only see them 2 half days a month.

She constantly accuses myself and my daughter of "tagging along" with my partner and his kids to various places : The examples she gave were one Sunday when I had decided to take my little girl to the cinema. My partner asked if I minded him bringing the kids along, and I agreed. This turned into me tagging along with them when she heard the story. Another is a trip to Disney World I have been planning and saving for since before I met my partner. I finally had enough spare cash to book it for this year, so I did. My partner decided to make a family holiday of it and bring his kids too. Then I got berated by her for tagging along on "their" holiday.

I could go on and on with this, but I am really at a loose end here. I love my partner very much, and he adores me. He is fantastic with my little girl and treats her as his own, as he is the only father figure she has ever known. The stress this woman is causing though is really affecting everybody involved. I get frustrated with my partner for not standing up for me with her, even though I know if he opens his mouth she will deny him access to his kids. My partners relationship with my daughter is starting to be affected as anything remotely fatherly he does with her is ammunition for his ex to call him a bad father and tell his kids they are being replaced, which is so not true. My daughter used to get on really well with his kids, but the ex's attitude seems to be rubbing off on them and they are starting to bully her and exclude her from games or when they gets sweets to share etc (though they do not do this in front of dad).

I am at the point where I am questioning whether or not I can continue with the relationship when she is so hell bent on destroying it. I don't want to expose my daughter to the bitterness and hatred this woman has for her and myself, but I know she would be absolutely devastated to lose my partner from her life.

I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this, or whether or not I should just face facts and walk away?
 
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29-05-2012, 16:45   #2
Daisy M
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I think you need to say all the above to your partner. He is the only one who can change things and while I understand he doesnt want to risk losing access to his children its unfair to allow this to effect your and your daughters lives. Why does he listen to this crap and why does he tell you back what is said?
I think you are right giving them time to do their own thing but I wonder are you giving a bit too much time, you 5 also need to form somekind of family unit and that wont be done on two half days a month.
Has your partner a court order in place, why does he think access could be stopped because his ex feels like it?
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29-05-2012, 17:09   #3
robynhoode
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I have said all this to him, he gets extremely frustrated about it too but I really don't think he understands how deeply this is affecting me.

I left him to deal with it for 2 years as it is his responsibility, but she has stepped up her behaviour in the last year or so towards me. He doesn't tell me everything she says about me, but it is hard not to overhear when she is screaming down the phone at him! I have received nasty emails and texts from anonymous numbers which I know are from her, as I am an easy going person and have never had an enemy in my life!

Regarding court orders, he has one in place since they split that he would have them on his days off. She totally ignores this however, and cuts all contact for a few weeks if he says something to upset her. He is constantly bringing her back to court because of this, but the most she ever gets from the judge is "don't do it again". There is another court date set for October for this same reason, but we already know the outcome at this stage .

I think part of the kids behaviour towards my daughter is that they don't want to upset their mam, she quizzes them about everything when they get home and they are afraid to even tell her I have been with them, whereas her boyfriend of a year is very much part of their family already.

I really fear that things are going to get worse, as my partner and I had planned on getting married and having a child of our own in the next few years, but I can't see how this can work the way things are at the minute, and equally I can't see how things can improve with the way she uses the kids to get her own way.

I end up taking my frustration at her out on my partner, which doesn't help matters, even though I understand the situation he is in.
 
30-05-2012, 14:15   #4
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this womans thoughts and opinions should mean nothing to you. you are allowing it to affect you when in fact you should just disregard it.
not everyone is going to like you in life and that is ok, particularly bitter x wives who are just projecting their issues onto you.
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30-05-2012, 15:25   #5
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I understand that not everyone can like me, and I ignore her for the most part. But it is becoming increasingly hard to ignore it when her actions are affecting our lives. Any plans we make which include the kids or my partner's free time have to be run by her first, whereas she can just decide she is heading off on her weekend and expects my partner to arrange cover at work etc so that he can take the kids. She knows that he will jump at the chance to have them due to her being so inconsistent with his access, and really uses this to her advantage. She is affecting my daughter's relationship with both my partner and his children. I just don't see how a mother could knowingly do this to a child .

Recently she has informed us that her solicitor wants detail of my income as she is looking for more maintenance, even though I do not live with my partner. He is already giving her far more than he could be, and pays her mortgage too. This all seems to be just another thing she can use to try and tear us apart as she really doesn't need the money.
 
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30-05-2012, 15:54   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robynhoode View Post
I understand that not everyone can like me, and I ignore her for the most part. But it is becoming increasingly hard to ignore it when her actions are affecting our lives. Any plans we make which include the kids or my partner's free time have to be run by her first, whereas she can just decide she is heading off on her weekend and expects my partner to arrange cover at work etc so that he can take the kids. She knows that he will jump at the chance to have them due to her being so inconsistent with his access, and really uses this to her advantage. She is affecting my daughter's relationship with both my partner and his children. I just don't see how a mother could knowingly do this to a child .

Recently she has informed us that her solicitor wants detail of my income as she is looking for more maintenance, even though I do not live with my partner. He is already giving her far more than he could be, and pays her mortgage too. This all seems to be just another thing she can use to try and tear us apart as she really doesn't need the money.
Surely if she has a boyfriend your partner's solicitor can start requesting his income as well?

This sounds like a nightmare and with the judges being so useless I'm not sure there is much you can do
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30-05-2012, 17:24   #7
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This sounds like a nightmare and with the judges being so useless I'm not sure there is much you can do
This is where my problem lies... It is an otherwise perfect relationship, but it looks like if I want to continue it then I'll have to accept things as they are, and deal with the fact she will be pretty much ruling my relationship for the next 10 years, or let her have what she wants and walk away, which would not only break my heart but devastate my partner and my daughter too.

The past few weeks I have been avoiding the issue altogether, I told my OH that I didn't want to know anything she has been up to and to do his own thing with his kids when he has them, and I have purposely been organising activities for my daughter for the days he has them so there is no contact and nothing for her to give out about. I know this can't last forever though, and I can see that it is putting a huge strain on him as he wants me to be more involved with his kids, but I feel that I can't as it is like a red flag to a bull when they tell her I have been there.

Am I taking the right approach to this by distancing myself from the whole situation? Or will this just make it harder in the long run? I am keen to know what opinions others would have on how to deal with it all, or if anyone has been in a similar situation and come out the other side?
 
31-05-2012, 08:05   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robynhoode View Post
Recently she has informed us that her solicitor wants detail of my income as she is looking for more maintenance, even though I do not live with my partner. He is already giving her far more than he could be, and pays her mortgage too. This all seems to be just another thing she can use to try and tear us apart as she really doesn't need the money.
She has NO RIGHT whatsoever to details of your income, it is absolutely none of her business. The only maintenance she can get is based on her ex's income, not yours and do not attempt to give her this info!!!
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31-05-2012, 21:45   #9
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Nah. The solicitor cannot ask for details of your income. You're not married to your partner. I assume you're not living with him either. She's just trying it on to irritate you.

Tell the brief to take a hike and mind his own business!
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31-05-2012, 21:58   #10
Daisy M
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Has your partner considered mediation between him and his ex, sometimes it takes a mirror to be shone on certain before people realise the effects of their actions.
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31-05-2012, 23:18   #11
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Hi op ...sory to here your having such a difficult time with this lady.

Gosh this just irritates me ! She has to get yoused to the fact that they are seperated now and to allow the reality that her children will integrate with relationships and familys on their fathers side ..shes sounds bitter.

she needs to move on and stop making life difficult for others even though she may not like it, especailly if it is beginning to have an effect on the children.

I dont think she could ban him from seeing the children just if he encourages his ex to try and accept it ..what harm is that. Its effecting you i would have a soft word with her myself if i felt the way you did.
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01-06-2012, 12:59   #12
robynhoode
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Daisy they tried mediation a number of times, she constantly told lies to the mediators that my OH ignored the kids and wouldn't take them for access (when it was her keeping them away from him, she would disappear with them on the days he should have had them and would switch off phones for weeks on end).
On top of this she told the kids during this that their dad didn't want to see them because he was too busy. Because of this he bought the kids a phone each so they could talk to him without having to ask her, and kept them topped up with credit etc. Two days after they got them she "confiscated" the phones for bad behaviour and they haven't got them back a year later. If they ask, she tells them they are still on punishment. (One of the "bad behaviour" incidences was one of the kids asking the other if he would like to speak to their dad)
She accused him of threatening her and said she feared for her life (If you met my guy you would see straight away how much of a softie he is, he really wouldn't harm a fly).
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I dont think she could ban him from seeing the children just if he encourages his ex to try and accept it ..what harm is that. Its effecting you i would have a soft word with her myself if i felt the way you did.
Mc Kenzie we have exhausted every reasonable avenue with her. My partner bent over backwards to accommodate her, and when I received a nasty mail from her I replied with a very non-aggressive mail in which I expressed that all I wanted was for the kids to be happy and that if she wanted I would work with her , as adults, to come to an arrangement that everyone would be happy with regarding contact with the kids etc. All I got back was another barrage of abuse.
 
01-06-2012, 22:30   #13
Daisy M
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Its so sad the poor kids they must be confused as hell. The only thing I can say is that they are getting older and will be able to form and voice their own opinions in the next few years.

Have you considered posting this in the parenting forum, there maybe someone there who has had a similar experience and can offer better advice.
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03-06-2012, 11:46   #14
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One thing I would suggest you doing is document everything!

Every time that she wont let your partner have the kids then document it and show them to the solicitor. When your partner receives phonecalls then record the conversations using the record function on you phone or some other recording equipment. If she's threatening either of you it will also help out your partner.

Do not give this women an inch or she will take a mile, if you start giving her your income info she will want other information, make sure if you are on social networking sites that all you information is private from hers.

Save the phone numbers and if they persist on texting you then get the guards to trace them.

It sounds to me that this women is going to far and needs to be shown that you're not going to be letting her walk on you, after three year you'd think she would have realized you are serious about the relationship.
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09-06-2012, 06:51   #15
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Yeah I feel sorry for kids in this as they must be so confused.

It's not an ideal situation but I do think the mother has a right to say if she doesn't like a partner or want them around their child. If was your child and you didn't like wmtg ex's partner for whatever grounds you'd feel the same. I've had a few friends in scenarios like this some were to be fair jealousy driven and the rest were concern about person or time the ex spent with child.

All that being said she has no right to threaten you or send you texts. She has no right as posters say to you income details and I do think you should keep a log of all this correspondence if it goes back to court. If she is breaking the terms of time arrangements and your partner still pays maintenance them he should be straight back in courts demanding this and keeping a log of her correspondence. To say someone pays more than enough maintenance I don't agree with ever but that's just my opinion in my experience its always the full time parent that pays well over the odds and deals with ad hoc expenses.

I also understand your upset as you see very little of him. One other thing you don't know what the children are saying to their mother. Children are very good at sensing tension and playing on this for their own benefits. The sister of a good friend of mine went through similar situation as Yours where she was concerned about her kids being around ex's partner as she was told she was shouting at them, disciplining them and naturally wasn't happy about it. The jealously card was constantly thrown back in her face. This went on for two years until they finally instead of arguing communicated properly and realised the i kids had being playing them both. Ten years on they are all with same partners and great friends

Friend of mine once said to me about her relationship with her boyfriend who has kids with ex, you are always fourth person in relationship and fourth priority. Him, kids, ex and then new partner. And kids have to come first above any partner which is only right. Good luck op hope it works out for, try and hang in there and have as little as possible to do with her and protect yourself too.
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