While growing up, I would wish/pray that my mom would die in her sleep so that I would have some peace. I feel guilty about this but at the same time, her actions caused me to have problems with relationships with other females--young or old. I am literally nervous/afraid of other females, especially ones that are my mom's age. Is this not ridiculous?
I recognized she was not treating me the way a mother should from a very young age. I was so young, it was useless to fight against her. At age ten, I started looking everywhere I could think of in order to find my adoption papers because I did not feel as if I fit in anywhere. No, I was not adopted afterall. I have recently had another 'blow-up' with her because she called to tell me that I needed to not eat out anymore this week and that I needed to give our seventeen year old son extra money for him to just basically blow on nothing. I am not a good mother nor do I need to gain any weight. Yes, this is what she says to me. I am in school full time so my husband's is the only income we have right now.
Anyway, we want our son to learn resposibility and values. He has a good job and does not depend on anyone giving him money--she just does it. He does not expect it and rolls his eyes at her--thankfully. He sees how she treats me and takes up for me with her. I do not ask him to do this but I am glad he does not buy into what she is selling which is herself. I am an only child and he is my only son. He is the 'golden child' and I do not mind anyone who loves him; however, she goes behind our backs and gives him money or buys him 'things.' I am the lowest on her list.
All seven of her sisters, my aunts, have the same problem. All of the kids are messed up and none of us want to go around our mothers. Growing up, I went through a chubby stage; my aunts would tell me if I lost weight I would be pretty enough to become a model. This went on constantly. Mom called me a pig and a slob. I am venting and it feels good. Someone actually understands. I usually feel guilty or as if I am a bad person when talking about how I feel about 'her.' Anyone who knows her cannot believe she could ever be that cruel to me.
I feel as if I am on a pity party. I am forty-one years old and I have no clue how to stop her. I try to stay away from her but it is imposible to do so. My husband is very assertive, he is a detective, and he does not know what it will take for her to stay away. I have been blowing up at everyone and have become very angry. I need help in a bad way. Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I feel as if I have become a little empowered just by finally putting it into words.