While growing up, I would wish/pray that my mom would die in her sleep so that I would have some peace. I feel guilty about this but at the same time, her actions caused me to have problems with relationships with other females--young or old. I am literally nervous/afraid of other females, especially ones that are my mom's age. Is this not ridiculous?

I recognized she was not treating me the way a mother should from a very young age. I was so young, it was useless to fight against her. At age ten, I started looking everywhere I could think of in order to find my adoption papers because I did not feel as if I fit in anywhere. No, I was not adopted afterall. I have recently had another 'blow-up' with her because she called to tell me that I needed to not eat out anymore this week and that I needed to give our seventeen year old son extra money for him to just basically blow on nothing. I am not a good mother nor do I need to gain any weight. Yes, this is what she says to me. I am in school full time so my husband's is the only income we have right now.

Anyway, we want our son to learn resposibility and values. He has a good job and does not depend on anyone giving him money--she just does it. He does not expect it and rolls his eyes at her--thankfully. He sees how she treats me and takes up for me with her. I do not ask him to do this but I am glad he does not buy into what she is selling which is herself. I am an only child and he is my only son. He is the 'golden child' and I do not mind anyone who loves him; however, she goes behind our backs and gives him money or buys him 'things.' I am the lowest on her list.

All seven of her sisters, my aunts, have the same problem. All of the kids are messed up and none of us want to go around our mothers. Growing up, I went through a chubby stage; my aunts would tell me if I lost weight I would be pretty enough to become a model. This went on constantly. Mom called me a pig and a slob. I am venting and it feels good. Someone actually understands. I usually feel guilty or as if I am a bad person when talking about how I feel about 'her.' Anyone who knows her cannot believe she could ever be that cruel to me.

I feel as if I am on a pity party. I am forty-one years old and I have no clue how to stop her. I try to stay away from her but it is imposible to do so. My husband is very assertive, he is a detective, and he does not know what it will take for her to stay away. I have been blowing up at everyone and have become very angry. I need help in a bad way. Thanks for letting me vent. Again, I feel as if I have become a little empowered just by finally putting it into words.

[Ickle Magoo]

Hey OP,

So posters know someone else is also looking for advice & to save an old thread being bumped, I've given you your own thread.

All the best.

[FizzleSticks]

Hi

it sounds like there is a lot going on here but whatever her issue caused her not to give you the attention you wanted is her issue and now maybe you see her giving your son all this attention never mind the money. Soon enough as your son becomes an adult she will stop doing this but you will still remember her actions and perhaps struggle to understand them, when someone dies this does not mean that all the memories and lasting effects die with them.

You have to ask yourself do you want one or not? and it sounds like you do not but how is it impossible to keep her out of your life, cutting her out of your life psychical means cutting off other relations that she will be around in many cases but cutting her out emotionally and trying to help that yearning will be trickier.

At least your son will be an adult very soon so he can decide if he can keep a relationship with her without your interaction or consent so that will make things simpler, as for yourself when we have a parent who is unfair or doesnt give us what we need we can sometimes keep seeking it off them hoping that theyll change or thinking that we have to do x,y and z because their my mother even though the relationship causes a lot of bad feelings and experiences.

Maybe you could talk to someone or work on yourself and just mind what feels like unavoidable situations you never HAVE to be anywhere or around anyone you're not comfortable with family or not.

Hi there I have similar problems to you and understand how crap it is for you, but I have siblings and had a normal childhood so cant fully relate.



After many many years of her unreasonable behaviour and trying to make my mother see how unreasonable she behaved in certain situations towards me I learned she would never change and would never ever acknowledge anything she had said or done. I decided to pull back a lot, mainly because she had no boundaries and would start in front of my children and I didnt want them to think this was normal. I keep visits to a minimum only call if my husband or sister is with me and always have an excuse to leave. I change the subject if she starts about my weight, what I am wearing whatever. If she is in good form I stay longer and chat.



My mothers problem I think is that everything has to be about her, her mother in law died it was all about her, her brother in law became terminally ill again it was about her, one of my siblings separated again it becam about her and how stressful all this is on her!! Its unbelievable whenever someone is telling a tale about a difficult period in their life or if they are ill she has to tell them how she has had it worse. If she has total control of a situation she is ok, the problem is she always wants control and has to push her way in and try and get that control and when she doesnt all hell breaks loose and usually I am in the firing line.



Even when I stay away there is no getting away from it, she will make mean comments to other people about me for instance remarking on numerous occasions to my sis in law how much her daughter my neice looks like me and God help them if she behaves anything like me. This kept going until my brother told her to stop that she was always criticising me and I didnt deserve it, which I dont I really have no idea what she means.

I would advise you to accept you cant do anything to changer your mother and try and find someway of distancing yourself from her, dont tell her things that she can use to hurt you like whether or not you eat out. Its hilarious I had a similar comment after been out for dinner for my birthday she told me the next day I didnt need to eat that day as look at the size of me. I cried and cried about that one my sis tore strips off her tough which gave her a shock.

Best of luck op, sorry for going on so much just wanted to let you know your not alone and it is possible to stop been upset all the time if you change the way you deal with it!!