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eviltwin · 08-05-2012, 12:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by ERTYU

My experience is generally that if the pregnant girl is being that difficult and dysfunctional, it doesn't augur well for the baby's future.

Frankly, adoption would probably be the best thing in this case. Loads of suitable Irish couples travel abroad for adoptions at great expense - maybe €30,000 for one adoption. Adoption is almost certain to give that baby a greater chance in life.

Unfortunately, we have gone from a situation in Ireland where most unmarried women gave their baby up for adoption to an equally ridiculous situation in which it is socially taboo to give one's baby up for adoption, no matter how dysfunctional the mother and father of that baby.

You will come under huge pressure to help out so that your daughter can keep the baby.

Are you willing to stand your ground if you feel that this is not the right course of action?

The girl is 15 and has just found out she is pregnant....totally to be expected she would have an "attitude", god love her she is probably terrified about it all.

Adoption can be wonderful but you can't advise on the basis of a few posts. Something like that is a big decision that should only be made after lots of counselling.

Its not the OP's choice, she can guide, advise etc but at the end of the day the mother of the baby has to be the one to make that decision. Pressure to put a child up for adoption is as bad as pressure to abort.

Friends · 08-05-2012, 20:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by eviltwin

Its not the OP's choice, she can guide, advise etc but at the end of the day the mother of the baby has to be the one to make that decision. Pressure to put a child up for adoption is as bad as pressure to abort.

Of course it's the mother's decision.

But the grandmother, equally, is entitled to say that she doesn't want the grandchild reared in her house.

Sleepy · 08-05-2012, 20:48

I'm going to throw a totally different slant on it here. My daughter's only 3 so my frame of view is entirely hypothetical but I think I'd be trying to help her see that an abortion is the best option for her here. If the price of stopping her from ruining her life is that my relationship with her is damaged, I think I'd live with that. I'd rather she has a good life than likes me.

cbyrd · 08-05-2012, 23:01

Your baby is pregnant.. and as difficult as it is for you she's probably scared shítless too..

deep breaths ... i know it's not what you wanted for her but if she wants to keep the baby, you never know, it might just be the making of her..it's not going to be easy whatever she decides but if she knows she has you in her corner it might just be a bit easier... this is your grandchild...

maybe offer her the olive branch and ask her how she would like you to help her..

It's my worst nightmare that in 2 years my own could be in this situation but i'd like to think we could work it out too...
Best of luck and remember... it could be worse... (my own mantra

)

**KittyeeTrix** · 09-05-2012, 00:41

I feel for you OP, cannot be easy on you at all........

But please move away from the idea that her life is ruined... It's not. Breaking her neck and being confined to a wheelchair following a car crash would be more akin to her life being ruined. This hasn't happened..

Her life has changed and as a result will definitely be a lot less enjoyable for the remainder of her teens and her 20's as she is left holding the baby so to speak.

I've actually spend about some time earlier looking at an old school friends pictures on FB. She was 15 when she had her baby girl some 24 years ago. She now owns her own home even though she split with the babys daddy after 2 years of marriage when they were 21. She has an amazing job as a brand buyer for one of the top high street stores and looks like she travels a lot based on her pictures..........Certainly not the FB page of a girl whose whole life was ruined....

Chin up, your daughter is healthy and that's what matters. She'll have some hard knocks along the way but she'll cope. Young mums usually do as they've not got much other choice!

I definitely would not be advising her to have an abortion. My daughter is 15 in 2 years time and if it were to happen to me I would lay all of the options out on the table for her (abortion included) but I'd do my best not to force one upon her. She'll know in her heart and head what it is she truly wants to do and may not appreciate it or get over any option foistered upon her in later life..........No fancy job, money or whatever will make up for a decision she may feel was forced upon her..

Best of luck with it all

Lola92 · 09-05-2012, 09:49

I agree with the general sentiment here, it is a tough situation but ultimately one that your daughter has to make the decision on.

I suppose I am looking at a little from the other side, I had my daughter when I was 18. I was finished school so in some ways that made it a lot easier. I don't think she honestly would have gotten pregnant to spite you, but if that is the case she has some serious growing up to do. I would suggest ye all sit down together with your gp and talk about it. She needs to understand what a commitment it is to become a parent young and the impact that it will have on her education, her friends, her whole life really.

Although I am a young parent, I would not change my daughter for the world. I have always been a maternal person and I was lucky that I was and still am with the man I wanted to settle down and have a family with. Has your daughter got any experience with babies or small children? Does she know realistically what it will be like? She needs to know that it is very much a full-time commitment.

My little girl is now almost a year and a half old and fortunately, thanks to the support of my parents and my partner, I am about to finish the first year of my degree. It has not been easy. Not what you would call the typical 'college experience'. I am often asked on nights out, to go places after college but no matter what I have to be back for 5.30 to get my daughter from the babysitter. I think I have been on maybe 3 nights out in the last 17 months and the most time that I have been away from her is 6 hours on the weekend while I was doing a course.

Becoming a young parent will not ruin her life, but it will change it forever. I have lost a lot of friends, not because they are horrible people but because realistically most people in their early 20's and late teens are busy having a social life and everything that comes along with it. They soon get tired of hearing that baby X had you up all night teething and that you are wrecked or that baby rolled over today or whatever the next big thing is for you. The things that you had in common aren't so common anymore when you become a full-time mum. But equally I have met some amazing people who have become great friends of mine through having my daughter, there is a flip side to every coin.

No matter what decision she makes there will be positive and negative aspects to both that need to be considered. I wish you both the best of luck.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012, 13:00

Agree with Lola.

I resent this idea that being a young parent means your life is in ruins. Granted its tough and there are going to be hard times but your life is not over. There are plenty of young parents out there who had their kids at a much tougher time with a lot less help and made a go of it. Its all about how you look at it, treat it like a disaster and it will be, look on it as a challenge and there is no reason why you can't still achieve your goals.

It will either make you or break you. If your loved ones have your back you'll become stronger than you ever believed possible, if everyone treats you like a pariah you'll sink.

Sleepy · 09-05-2012, 13:15

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012, 13:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sleepy

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

There are plenty of other ways you can support someone Sleepy. It might mean taking the child for an hour or two, being on the end of a phone, helping out with a few chores....

The most basic support is just the knowledge that your family love you, respect your decision and are still there for you.

Anyone with kids no matter what age needs a support network.

OldNotWIse · 09-05-2012, 13:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by KittyeeTrix

I feel for you OP, cannot be easy on you at all........

But please move away from the idea that her life is ruined... It's not. Breaking her neck and being confined to a wheelchair following a car crash would be more akin to her life being ruined. This hasn't happened..

Her life has changed and as a result will definitely be a lot less enjoyable for the remainder of her teens and her 20's as she is left holding the baby so to speak.

I've actually spend about some time earlier looking at an old school friends pictures on FB. She was 15 when she had her baby girl some 24 years ago. She now owns her own home even though she split with the babys daddy after 2 years of marriage when they were 21. She has an amazing job as a brand buyer for one of the top high street stores and looks like she travels a lot based on her pictures..........Certainly not the FB page of a girl whose whole life was ruined....

Chin up, your daughter is healthy and that's what matters. She'll have some hard knocks along the way but she'll cope. Young mums usually do as they've not got much other choice!

I definitely would not be advising her to have an abortion. My daughter is 15 in 2 years time and if it were to happen to me I would lay all of the options out on the table for her (abortion included) but I'd do my best not to force one upon her. She'll know in her heart and head what it is she truly wants to do and may not appreciate it or get over any option foistered upon her in later life..........No fancy job, money or whatever will make up for a decision she may feel was forced upon her..

Best of luck with it all

Agree, pressuring someone to have an abortion (or go down any route) against their will is going to do more than make them "not like you". My best friend had a baby when she was young (he is my godson) and her life is far from over. She has her own house now, she's just finisged college and she has met a really nice guy and settled down with him. She still has a great relationship with her mum because her mum respected her decision, and certainly if any of the external family were small minded enough to be "disgusted" this "disgust" was left at the door - it was not heaped upon the poor girl who already had enough to be carrying without worrying about shaming the family.

tipptopper · 09-05-2012, 13:39

Op, my heart goes out to you, it really does. Like most of the posters before me, If she does decide to keep the baby, i really think it will be the making of her. It’s such a scary time for you both, no doubt about it. It’s tough raising kids at any age but she is just a child herself and despite all the bravado she is showing and the hurtful things she may say, she will be scared stiff and will want you to love and support her. It won’t be easy but it’s best to put all options on the table and discuss them openly and sensibly. And one other thing, tell your family to **** off if they have nothing positive to say, I’m sure they made plenty of mistakes in their life, keep strong for yourself, your daughter and your family and while the world might seem to have ended today, it hasn’t, it has just changed and you’ve all got to adjust accordingly. I have 2 young girls and not if you offered me a million pounds this minute to change my life, would I. Best of luck.

titchy · 09-05-2012, 13:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sleepy

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

I agree, like I said previously its all well and good offering advise of offering support, love etc but its the OPs life that will be affected here not just her daughter.

Theres no comparison between the support a grown woman even an 18 year old mother would need and that a 15 year old mother would need,

so unlike another woman's choice in the same situation even a young adult of eighteen, their decision and its consequences will fall squarely on their own shoulders,

the decision that this child makes will have huge, life changing implications for the OP so to say she should have little or no input here is unfair,

Finally I feel sorry that the OP has lost out on the last few years of her daughters childhood/ teenage years, and yes I know that she will always be her daughter, and Ive no doubts that the OP loves her truly, but I can't imagine having to parent a mother.

Can You?

**KittyeeTrix** · 09-05-2012, 14:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by titchy

the decision that this child makes will have huge, life changing implications for the OP so to say she should have little or no input here is unfair,

I don't think anyone here has said she should have little or no input

By all means, she should have a major impact but do not go into hyperbole about the notion that her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED because it isn't.... It's changed, more difficult, scary and a million other things but it's not ruined..

I believe it could be ruined however if she were rushed/pressured or brow beaten into a decision that she ultimately doesn't want to make!....

titchy · 09-05-2012, 16:40

do not go into hyperbole about the notion that her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED because it isn't.... It's changed, more difficult, scary and a million other things but it's not ruined.

I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...

Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

Sleepy · 09-05-2012, 17:25

I think I was the one who mentioned the word 'ruined' so maybe I should explain what I meant by it.

For me, my life only really started after secondary school. Everything up until I finished my Leaving Cert was, in my teenage mind, the hurdles I had to jump over in order to get to college and start "having a life". TBH, it was worth it, college was arguably the best 5 years of my life and it was where I got to discover who I am. So, that's the framing of it for me. I don't have miserable memories of childhood or anything like that but, in my mind the best years of my 'growiing up' were from 17 to 24.

Yes, a single 16 year old mother can get a good leaving cert, go to college and have a career afterwards. Unless her parents are going to be raising the child for her, however, she's not going to get much of the college experience, never going to be able to do a J1, go backpacking for a year (or more) or simply have the freedom to do with her life what she wants to as her first responsibility is always going to be to her child.

09-05-2012, 16:40	#29
titchy Registered User Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 37 Adverts \| Friends	do not go into hyperbole about the notion that her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED because it isn't.... It's changed, more difficult, scary and a million other things but it's not ruined. I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused... Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this I really feel for her, I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother Can you? Last edited by titchy; 09-05-2012 at 16:57.

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08-05-2012, 20:48	#18
Sleepy Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Location: Clontarf, Dublin 3 Posts: 15,873 Adverts \| Friends	I'm going to throw a totally different slant on it here. My daughter's only 3 so my frame of view is entirely hypothetical but I think I'd be trying to help her see that an abortion is the best option for her here. If the price of stopping her from ruining her life is that my relationship with her is damaged, I think I'd live with that. I'd rather she has a good life than likes me.

08-05-2012, 23:01	#19
cbyrd Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in my house Posts: 1,212 Adverts \| Friends	Your baby is pregnant.. and as difficult as it is for you she's probably scared shítless too.. deep breaths ... i know it's not what you wanted for her but if she wants to keep the baby, you never know, it might just be the making of her..it's not going to be easy whatever she decides but if she knows she has you in her corner it might just be a bit easier... this is your grandchild... maybe offer her the olive branch and ask her how she would like you to help her.. It's my worst nightmare that in 2 years my own could be in this situation but i'd like to think we could work it out too... Best of luck and remember... it could be worse... (my own mantra )

09-05-2012, 00:41	#20
KittyeeTrix Moderator Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Galway Posts: 7,050 Adverts \| Friends Mod: NUI Galway	I feel for you OP, cannot be easy on you at all........ But please move away from the idea that her life is ruined... It's not. Breaking her neck and being confined to a wheelchair following a car crash would be more akin to her life being ruined. This hasn't happened.. Her life has changed and as a result will definitely be a lot less enjoyable for the remainder of her teens and her 20's as she is left holding the baby so to speak. I've actually spend about some time earlier looking at an old school friends pictures on FB. She was 15 when she had her baby girl some 24 years ago. She now owns her own home even though she split with the babys daddy after 2 years of marriage when they were 21. She has an amazing job as a brand buyer for one of the top high street stores and looks like she travels a lot based on her pictures..........Certainly not the FB page of a girl whose whole life was ruined.... Chin up, your daughter is healthy and that's what matters. She'll have some hard knocks along the way but she'll cope. Young mums usually do as they've not got much other choice! I definitely would not be advising her to have an abortion. My daughter is 15 in 2 years time and if it were to happen to me I would lay all of the options out on the table for her (abortion included) but I'd do my best not to force one upon her. She'll know in her heart and head what it is she truly wants to do and may not appreciate it or get over any option foistered upon her in later life..........No fancy job, money or whatever will make up for a decision she may feel was forced upon her.. Best of luck with it all

09-05-2012, 09:49	#21
Lola92 Registered User Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Wexford Posts: 1,675 Adverts \| Friends	I agree with the general sentiment here, it is a tough situation but ultimately one that your daughter has to make the decision on. I suppose I am looking at a little from the other side, I had my daughter when I was 18. I was finished school so in some ways that made it a lot easier. I don't think she honestly would have gotten pregnant to spite you, but if that is the case she has some serious growing up to do. I would suggest ye all sit down together with your gp and talk about it. She needs to understand what a commitment it is to become a parent young and the impact that it will have on her education, her friends, her whole life really. Although I am a young parent, I would not change my daughter for the world. I have always been a maternal person and I was lucky that I was and still am with the man I wanted to settle down and have a family with. Has your daughter got any experience with babies or small children? Does she know realistically what it will be like? She needs to know that it is very much a full-time commitment. My little girl is now almost a year and a half old and fortunately, thanks to the support of my parents and my partner, I am about to finish the first year of my degree. It has not been easy. Not what you would call the typical 'college experience'. I am often asked on nights out, to go places after college but no matter what I have to be back for 5.30 to get my daughter from the babysitter. I think I have been on maybe 3 nights out in the last 17 months and the most time that I have been away from her is 6 hours on the weekend while I was doing a course. Becoming a young parent will not ruin her life, but it will change it forever. I have lost a lot of friends, not because they are horrible people but because realistically most people in their early 20's and late teens are busy having a social life and everything that comes along with it. They soon get tired of hearing that baby X had you up all night teething and that you are wrecked or that baby rolled over today or whatever the next big thing is for you. The things that you had in common aren't so common anymore when you become a full-time mum. But equally I have met some amazing people who have become great friends of mine through having my daughter, there is a flip side to every coin. No matter what decision she makes there will be positive and negative aspects to both that need to be considered. I wish you both the best of luck.

09-05-2012, 13:00	#22
eviltwin Registered User Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,948 Adverts \| Friends	Agree with Lola. I resent this idea that being a young parent means your life is in ruins. Granted its tough and there are going to be hard times but your life is not over. There are plenty of young parents out there who had their kids at a much tougher time with a lot less help and made a go of it. Its all about how you look at it, treat it like a disaster and it will be, look on it as a challenge and there is no reason why you can't still achieve your goals. It will either make you or break you. If your loved ones have your back you'll become stronger than you ever believed possible, if everyone treats you like a pariah you'll sink.

09-05-2012, 13:15	#23
Sleepy Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Location: Clontarf, Dublin 3 Posts: 15,873 Adverts \| Friends	IF your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

09-05-2012, 13:39	#26
tipptopper Closed Account Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 102 Adverts \| Friends	Op, my heart goes out to you, it really does. Like most of the posters before me, If she does decide to keep the baby, i really think it will be the making of her. It’s such a scary time for you both, no doubt about it. It’s tough raising kids at any age but she is just a child herself and despite all the bravado she is showing and the hurtful things she may say, she will be scared stiff and will want you to love and support her. It won’t be easy but it’s best to put all options on the table and discuss them openly and sensibly. And one other thing, tell your family to **** off if they have nothing positive to say, I’m sure they made plenty of mistakes in their life, keep strong for yourself, your daughter and your family and while the world might seem to have ended today, it hasn’t, it has just changed and you’ve all got to adjust accordingly. I have 2 young girls and not if you offered me a million pounds this minute to change my life, would I. Best of luck.

09-05-2012, 17:25	#30
Sleepy Registered User Join Date: May 2003 Location: Clontarf, Dublin 3 Posts: 15,873 Adverts \| Friends	I think I was the one who mentioned the word 'ruined' so maybe I should explain what I meant by it. For me, my life only really started after secondary school. Everything up until I finished my Leaving Cert was, in my teenage mind, the hurdles I had to jump over in order to get to college and start "having a life". TBH, it was worth it, college was arguably the best 5 years of my life and it was where I got to discover who I am. So, that's the framing of it for me. I don't have miserable memories of childhood or anything like that but, in my mind the best years of my 'growiing up' were from 17 to 24. Yes, a single 16 year old mother can get a good leaving cert, go to college and have a career afterwards. Unless her parents are going to be raising the child for her, however, she's not going to get much of the college experience, never going to be able to do a J1, go backpacking for a year (or more) or simply have the freedom to do with her life what she wants to as her first responsibility is always going to be to her child.