Here goes. I broke up with my bf of 4 years about 5 weeks ago. I am 19, in my 2nd year of Uni across the pond and he is 24, back home with a good secure job and his own house all settled. Before breaking up we did try to see each other every 6-9 weeks as it is hard especially during term time.
However, the thing is i did not plan on going home after i graduate as i want to get a job as a teacher in the UK for 3 to 4 years as they are scarce at home and then work in other countries teaching once I have saved some money.
The reason i broke up with him is because i am scared. Scared what will happen if we break up in years to come when we will be a lot older, Scared that we have been going out since we were too young. Scared of spending the rest of my life with him because of the unknown future and what may/ may not happen. I have been going out with him since i was 15 and we had a fantastic 4 years together and i really couldnt ask for a better bf, he would do anything for me and treats me like a princess. As i have heard lots of stories about couples that have been going out since they were my age and by the time they reach 30 they break up as it wasnt ment to be. I dont want to end up like that with him and that is one reason why i ended it just to be 100% sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I used to think in Uni that i should be going out there and doing what not but its not as good as people say. When going out in clubs over the last few weeks i just could not be bothered with a one nite stand or even kissing a randomer as it does not really appeal to me.
This past 2 weeks I have been feeling really down, not sleeping and just feeling miserable trying to put on a brave face but i dont know how much longer i can do it. My head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. But atm deep dpwn in my gut I feel I have made a mistake and I dont know if its because I havnt given it enough time or not. I was not the best gf with some of the things i used to say to him and do but he told me the other day that he always felt on edge waiting for my to cut the rope and break it off and now that I have done it he says that he feels free and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders that he does not have to wait on that day to come any more.
My Mother says and i do agree with her in some way that i got into a relationship too young and i need some time away from him to see what i really want. (even though my gut says i have made a mistake). I would like to take a few months apart from him to make sure that it is definately 100% him i want to spend the rest of my life with but during them few months i am terrified that he will meet someone else. I know and i wouldnt expext him as it wouldnt be fair on him to wait on me while i make sense of what i want as he definately knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just dont know if we should take a few months apart or not for the fear of him meeting somene else within that time and not having any feeling fo rme anymore.
I would be prepared to go home and see him like every 2/3 weeks and i would change my attitude so he would not feel like the undedog in the relationship. I know it will not be easy travelling at home a lot of the time but i do think if you love someone that much that the two people will need to do their part and make sacrafices in order for it to work.
I go home now next week and i am so confused as to what to do, whether to def break it off and end all contact with him to see how i feel in a few months again and do i still love him as much or get back with him for the fear of losing him forever as he could possibly meet someone else in that space of time. i know that he would be the best person ever to spend the rest of my life with but i just want to be 100% sure and not so scared of the future that we will end up breaking up years later and then it would be too late and old to start over with some one new.
Anyone out there willing to give me some advice?