[Penny Dreadful]

Originally Posted by Morbert

OP, how would she feel about adoption? If her major concern is a limited window of fertility, you could always adopt instead at a later stage. Not only would you be raising a child of your own, but you would be saving a life to boot.

Maybe she would like to have the option of having a biological baby of her own?
Adoption isn't easy and the older you get the more difficult it is to be accepted.
As I said in a previous post, I had been in a similar situation to that of the OP and his girlfriend and if my ex had at any stage suggested adoption rather than having a child of my own because I had waited around for him to "be ready" I'd have gone nuts.

Originally Posted by Morbert

OP, how would she feel about adoption? If her major concern is a limited window of fertility, you could always adopt instead at a later stage. Not only would you be raising a child of your own, but you would be saving a life to boot.

Well... wow. First of all, wanting your own biological kids is a deep urge for many people. Adoption is something that either fertile or infertile people can do... yet the vast majority of people who adopt do so when they have given up hoping and grieving for the own child. Asking a 27 yr old girl to ignore her own biological drives and stick around until the OP is ready to adopt is ... madness?

Also, as far as I know the cut off age for adopting is 40 - hardly that old. And adoption costs 20k and there is a 5 year waiting list. When should they join the list? lol.

Unfortunately the OP is facing a very common problem that there is no easy answer to. In my experience, most men get extremely broody in their late thirties, but unfortunately it is often too late for the women they love. Infertility is then a problem for both people.

OP, I don't envy you having to make this decision. Ultimately no one here has the answer. The only thing I could say is that I've seen alot of men who didn't want kids being absolutely over the moon when kids come along. Also she is just 27, you could wait another two years or and focus on your career in that time. The real question is
: DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS GIRL?

I also agree with Neyite. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids, as long as you don't waste anyone's time.

[Morbert]

Originally Posted by Penny Dreadful

Maybe she would like to have the option of having a biological baby of her own?
Adoption isn't easy and the older you get the more difficult it is to be accepted.
As I said in a previous post, I had been in a similar situation to that of the OP and his girlfriend and if my ex had at any stage suggested adoption rather than having a child of my own because I had waited around for him to "be ready" I'd have gone nuts.

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

[Penny Dreadful]

Originally Posted by Morbert

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

I wasn't having a go at you when I said what I said
Having been there and gotten the T-shirt I think it is easy for a man to not fully understand that there is a limited time frame for a woman to have the same choices as a man. My ex really didn't seem to understand that at 32 this was starting to become a cause for concern for me. As far as he was concerned at the time I had years and years left to wait to have kids when I didn't.
I do think that maybe my ex will want the marriage and kids thing with someone else and that maybe we weren't the fit we thought we were back then. Maybe saying he didn't want kids was (whether he knew it or not) a way of saying I don't want kids with you.
Either way, we've broken up and moved on with our lives and I have no regrets. I don't know if he has but I imagine not. The OP needs to face up to this big issue in his relationship before too much time passes where both he and his girlfriend spend time pretending (as we did) that everything is ok and will work out in the end.

[Neyite]

Originally Posted by Morbert

If this is the case then her major concern is not a limited window of fertility. It would be having a child genetically related to her. I distinctly said "if her major concern is.." for this very reason.

You do realise that adoption is a moot point, dont you?
If her fertility window is closed (which would happen in her early to mid forties) so therefore are her adoption chances, because you have to be under 40 to qualify for adoption.

And you cant apply for adoption unless you have finished trying for a biological child- so you cant apply during fertility treatment.

[Morbert]

Originally Posted by Neyite

You do realise that adoption is a moot point, dont you?
If her fertility window is closed (which would happen in her early to mid forties) so therefore are her adoption chances, because you have to be under 40 to qualify for adoption.

And you cant apply for adoption unless you have finished trying for a biological child- so you cant apply during fertility treatment.

As has been pointed out in this thread, her fertility window may be closed in her early to mid thirties. This is presumably when the OP wants to consider having a child. I was wondering how she would feel about adoption at that age? If it is important to her to raise a child of her own with her boyfriend, she might agree with adoption. If it is important to her to raise a child of her own that has her genes, then she would not wait.

It is a perfectly valid suggestion that is not in any way moot.

Originally Posted by Penny Dreadful

I was in a situation very similar to yours in 2009. I'd been with my boyfriend for 10 years at that stage, were in love with each other, there was no one else, etc etc but by the time we were 10 years together I'd been wanting to get married and start a family for 3 or so years....
...Now 2 years on I've put my life back together. I've met a great guy who wants the same things as I do out of life - marriage and a family (if we can, fingers crossed). I can talk to him openly and honestly about anything and we just click together so well.
There is life after a break up.

OP again.

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm really glad to hear that things worked out for you.

My biggest fear is that we'd end up in a similar situation to this but without the happy ending. I dread to think how she would feel if I promised to try and go with the whole family idea and then turn around a few years later and jump ship. I have a fear that we might start a family and that I would come to resent her for tieing me down to early. In general, I have a tendency to look at worst case scenarios first when I'm making big decisions. I shared my fears with her when we had our recent talk and she immediately recognised that this tought pattern was at work again. She told me I was being irrational. Maybe to an extent but I can't ignore the fact that these fears are rooted in the fact that my heart isn't in the idea of starting a family nearly as much as it is for her. Like you said of your ex, "his heart wasn't in it and that we'd break up sooner or later" - I know we would both carry this fear and that would make it an up-hill struggle from the out-set.

Originally Posted by somethoughts

OP, I don't envy you having to make this decision. Ultimately no one here has the answer. The only thing I could say is that I've seen alot of men who didn't want kids being absolutely over the moon when kids come along. Also she is just 27, you could wait another two years or and focus on your career in that time. [B]The real question is
: DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS GIRL? [B]

I also agree with Neyite. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids, as long as you don't waste anyone's time.

I suppose some people might question my desire to spend my life with her if I'm so reluctant to to bring forward the sacrifices that having children entail. Even if I did wake up and decide tomorrow that I wanted to do things her way I really don't think she'd be willing to put her faith in me sticking with that decision. I know nobody here has a neat answer to the dilemma. But in any event, hearing other people's perspectives and experiences has been very helpful. As I said, I have been having a very hard time dealing with this and I really appreciate everyone's input here.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is really clear that you just don't want kids. I don't either (and I'm a woman), so I'm not in any way judging you badly for not wanting kids. But it's a deal breaker, really, it is. You have to let this woman go - at best, you'd be 'settling' for have having kids in order to keep the relationship going; and I just get a sense that you know if it really came down to the wire, you wouldn't be happy, and may walk away.

I'm afraid this is a relationship issue on which there is no compromise: if you can't truly honestly and wholeheartedly sign up for having kids, you have to let her go. Otherwise one or other - or both - of you are going to feel very unhappy and resentful in the future. That's not a realisation to make after you've had a kid. As hard as it is, you have to let her go to persue a more compatible life plan with someone else. And you also should be with someone with more compatible life views. I say that from the position of someone who years ago thought I'd be more amenable to the idea, but tine just reinforced my views that I really really didn't want kids. I'm sorry to be harsh (again), but you aren't doing either of you any favours by continuing the relationship.
I guess one way of putting it in perspective is what you would do/how you'd feel if you discovered tomorrow that she was accidentally pregnant?

Hope you find happiness with someone who has a more similar outlook to you.

It's a toughie and I do feel for you. Not everyone wants kids and it shouldn't be something that people are condemned for. It doesn't mean you're a horrible person, had a rotten childhood or are selfish. I'm a woman and it took me years to honestly admit to myself that I really didn't want to have them.

It's hard to give you a definitive answer. Only you can figure out if you want kids. It does look to me like you don't but you've kept going with the relationship, hoping that your feelings on it would change. That's not to say that you could do a 180° turn and become a devoted dad but that's a leap of faith. If you can't face into the reality of what being a parent is, it's as well to cut your losses and keep going. If you do have kids, you'll not have your girlfriend all to yourself any more. You'll have to base your whole life around your offspring for several years. Does that look doable to you or does it freak you out?

[Penny Dreadful]

Originally Posted by nokidsplease?

OP again.

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm really glad to hear that things worked out for you.

My biggest fear is that we'd end up in a similar situation to this but without the happy ending. I dread to think how she would feel if I promised to try and go with the whole family idea and then turn around a few years later and jump ship. I have a fear that we might start a family and that I would come to resent her for tieing me down to early. In general, I have a tendency to look at worst case scenarios first when I'm making big decisions. I shared my fears with her when we had our recent talk and she immediately recognised that this tought pattern was at work again. She told me I was being irrational. Maybe to an extent but I can't ignore the fact that these fears are rooted in the fact that my heart isn't in the idea of starting a family nearly as much as it is for her. Like you said of your ex, "his heart wasn't in it and that we'd break up sooner or later" - I know we would both carry this fear and that would make it an up-hill struggle from the out-set.




I suppose some people might question my desire to spend my life with her if I'm so reluctant to to bring forward the sacrifices that having children entail. Even if I did wake up and decide tomorrow that I wanted to do things her way I really don't think she'd be willing to put her faith in me sticking with that decision. I know nobody here has a neat answer to the dilemma. But in any event, hearing other people's perspectives and experiences has been very helpful. As I said, I have been having a very hard time dealing with this and I really appreciate everyone's input here.

You're right, there is no neat answer. Ultimately, as the one who wanted children, I was the one to break up my relationship. I knew that if I was to have a chance at having a family with someone, I wanted them to be as excited about it as I hope to be some day. If I'd stayed with my ex and had a child with him I'd have spent the entire pregnancy scared that he'd leave or even be so hands off that I'd see the relationship die anyway. I was worried about becoming bitter and angry and that is no way for anyone to live and certainly no good thing to bring a child into.

As I said before its not easy, far from it, but you do get through it, both of you. In fact, last night as I was messing around on Boards I came across a post from my ex asking about holiday destinations for him and his new girlfriend. I've moved on and found happiness and I was really glad to see that he has too. It can happen.

Hi OP

I'm childfree by choice and told my partner a few months into our relationship and gave him the choice of being with me or leaving and having kids with someone else. Happily he chose me and 6 years later I've never been more satisfied with life!

If you are certain in yourself that you never want to have kids then do both of yourselves a favour and seperate as it will only end in strife.