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skwinty · 28-06-2011, 09:09

Ok,
I recently came clean to my gf of 3 years about a situation that i had gotten myself into with a close friend.
My partner is still deciding on whether she wants to be with me or not. I feel like i could be waiting a while for her decision.

Anyways, the other person is a very close friend and she is also in a relationship. However, since this all blew up last week I have tried to contact said friend to no avail. We have not spoken since before this revelations to our partners and i really miss her. I dont know if i want to be with her or not, but i miss her friendship. We used to be very close and spent most of our evenings together.

Will i just wait it out until she is ready to talk to me? I'm so confused, I just want to see her. I was thinking of calling into her place of work just to see her.
I'm so confused.

HELP!

ash23 · 28-06-2011, 09:25

I'm assuming that as your relationship is in trouble and this involves a female friend that something happened between you and your friend, romantically? Particularly as you say you don't know if you want to be with her or not.

In which case, if you want to save your relationship, I would pretty much bet that if your partner does take you back, it will not be possible for you to maintain a friendship with your friend (if you did cheat with her).

I think if this is what the situation is, then it is very very unfair of you to be pursuing your friend while trying to save the relationship.
Your friend may also be trying to save her relationship and as a result is not contacting you as she is putting her partners feellings first. I would respect her decision not to contact you and leave her alone. Don't call to her workplace.

Perhaps you can elaborate as to what the "situation" was and people will be better able to advise you.

Friends · 28-06-2011, 09:49

It's very hard for anyone to offer you advice if you don't supply enough information to clarify your situation.

skwinty · 28-06-2011, 12:20

Ok, i will elaborate.

I have been very good friends with person for the last year or so. Ever since we met there has been a connection and one night one thing led to another and we kissed. Ever since the first time it happened (about 5 months ago) i couldnt stop thinking about it and her. As time went by, my feelings for her grew, as we spent more and more time together. We kissed numerous times since and hold each other when alone. She had (/has) strong feelings for me too and once professed her love for me.
Now i'm torn. Do i really want to work it out with my partner or will i give into my feelings and pursue my friend.
I do not know what her current situation is as we havent talked.

What i miss the most right now is her friendship.

Miss Fluff · 28-06-2011, 12:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by ash23

In which case, if you want to save your relationship, I would pretty much bet that if your partner does take you back, it will not be possible for you to maintain a friendship with your friend (if you did cheat with her)

That's it in a nutshell. You can't have both OP. Time for you to choose and choose sharpish. You can't lead your girlfriend on thinking that everything is going to be sorted when evidently you want to actively pursue this other girl.

Toyota_Avensis · 28-06-2011, 12:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by skwinty

Ok, i will elaborate.

I have been very good friends with person for the last year or so. Ever since we met there has been a connection and one night one thing led to another and we kissed. Ever since the first time it happened (about 5 months ago) i couldnt stop thinking about it and her. As time went by, my feelings for her grew, as we spent more and more time together. We kissed numerous times since and hold each other when alone. She had (/has) strong feelings for me too and once professed her love for me.
Now i'm torn. Do i really want to work it out with my partner or will i give into my feelings and pursue my friend.
I do not know what her current situation is as we havent talked.

What i miss the most right now is her friendship.

Good man Johnny Depp sums up your situation;

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."
- Johnny Depp

Think your answer lies within OP

ash23 · 28-06-2011, 13:10

OK well now that you've clarified the situation, I think you know that you don't really care whether or not your girlfriend takes you back.
It would be totally unreasonable of you to expect her to take you back and accept that you would still have a the other girl as a close friend. It's totally unfair of you to be pursuing the other girl instead of making amends and grovelling to your girlfriend so it's clear you arent' really bothered about salvaging your relationship.

As for your friend, seems to me she is trying to save her relationship and doing what is to be expected and keeping well away from you. Respect that but don't default to your girlfriend just because you can't have your friend.

Count Duckula · 28-06-2011, 13:42

Given that you no doubt spun the "you can trust me" line when your girlfriend queried why you spent so much time alone with your friend, there's no way you can possibly continue your friendship with her and simultaneously salvage your relationship.

It comes down to a choice.

**bluewolf** · 28-06-2011, 13:59

Surely you should be more worried about whether your relationship is gone?

seenitall · 28-06-2011, 14:06

Hi OP,

looks like someone around here is hedging their bets big time...

The thing with that kind of behaviour is, though, that there is a high risk of ending up without either woman in your life.

Oh, and stop fooling yourself that it is the "friendship" with your "friend" that you miss about her!

curlzy · 28-06-2011, 15:34

Hey OP,

Do you realise how nasty you're being? Just wondering if that even crossed your mind. You obviously feel nothing for your partner and for her sake I hope she doesn't take you back. You obviously feel neither respect nor love for her. Your entire first post is talking about your "friend", in fact you mention your partner twice on the entire thread. Personally I hope your friend dumps her bf and gets with you, you deserve each other. Maybe your partner and your friends partner can get together then and see what it's like to be with someone who's not cheating every chance they get. Do you even realise that that's what you did? You cheated REPEATEDLY, doesn't matter that it was with the same person, you did it again and again. If I were you I'd have a good look at myself and figure out how it is that I can treat someone the way you've treated your partner. You don't even seem ashamed, just worried about if your bit on the side will get with you again. Man up and treat your partner with enough respect to finish it properly with her so she can move on and find a decent man.

Friends · 28-06-2011, 15:49

Question - do you miss your relationship with your girlfriend? All you talk about is how you miss your friendship, but if this is more important to you, then perhaps you need to realise your relationship with your girlfriend is over.

Personally, I don't think you're being unfair on your girlfriend, so as other posters have mentioned, I suggest you finish things with your girlfriend so that she can move on.

I am a friend · 28-06-2011, 15:55

I thought, when I read your first message, that you had a crush on someone not that you were snogging the face off your 'friend' while going out with someone.... Come on.. You have behaved like a cad... Your gf is nuts if she stays with you and you dont seem to care...

You care for your 'friend' and you dont respect your gf... Move on and set her free to meet someone who does.

28-06-2011, 09:09	#1
skwinty Registered User Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 78 Adverts \| Friends	friendship.... is it gone? Ok, I recently came clean to my gf of 3 years about a situation that i had gotten myself into with a close friend. My partner is still deciding on whether she wants to be with me or not. I feel like i could be waiting a while for her decision. Anyways, the other person is a very close friend and she is also in a relationship. However, since this all blew up last week I have tried to contact said friend to no avail. We have not spoken since before this revelations to our partners and i really miss her. I dont know if i want to be with her or not, but i miss her friendship. We used to be very close and spent most of our evenings together. Will i just wait it out until she is ready to talk to me? I'm so confused, I just want to see her. I was thinking of calling into her place of work just to see her. I'm so confused. HELP!

28-06-2011, 09:25	#2
ash23 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,179 Adverts \| Friends	I'm assuming that as your relationship is in trouble and this involves a female friend that something happened between you and your friend, romantically? Particularly as you say you don't know if you want to be with her or not. In which case, if you want to save your relationship, I would pretty much bet that if your partner does take you back, it will not be possible for you to maintain a friendship with your friend (if you did cheat with her). I think if this is what the situation is, then it is very very unfair of you to be pursuing your friend while trying to save the relationship. Your friend may also be trying to save her relationship and as a result is not contacting you as she is putting her partners feellings first. I would respect her decision not to contact you and leave her alone. Don't call to her workplace. Perhaps you can elaborate as to what the "situation" was and people will be better able to advise you.

28-06-2011, 09:49	#3
dgdggd Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	It's very hard for anyone to offer you advice if you don't supply enough information to clarify your situation.

28-06-2011, 12:20	#4
skwinty Registered User Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 78 Adverts \| Friends	Ok, i will elaborate. I have been very good friends with person for the last year or so. Ever since we met there has been a connection and one night one thing led to another and we kissed. Ever since the first time it happened (about 5 months ago) i couldnt stop thinking about it and her. As time went by, my feelings for her grew, as we spent more and more time together. We kissed numerous times since and hold each other when alone. She had (/has) strong feelings for me too and once professed her love for me. Now i'm torn. Do i really want to work it out with my partner or will i give into my feelings and pursue my friend. I do not know what her current situation is as we havent talked. What i miss the most right now is her friendship.

28-06-2011, 13:10	#7
ash23 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3,179 Adverts \| Friends	OK well now that you've clarified the situation, I think you know that you don't really care whether or not your girlfriend takes you back. It would be totally unreasonable of you to expect her to take you back and accept that you would still have a the other girl as a close friend. It's totally unfair of you to be pursuing the other girl instead of making amends and grovelling to your girlfriend so it's clear you arent' really bothered about salvaging your relationship. As for your friend, seems to me she is trying to save her relationship and doing what is to be expected and keeping well away from you. Respect that but don't default to your girlfriend just because you can't have your friend.

28-06-2011, 13:42	#8
Count Duckula Registered User Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: England Posts: 576 Adverts \| Friends	Given that you no doubt spun the "you can trust me" line when your girlfriend queried why you spent so much time alone with your friend, there's no way you can possibly continue your friendship with her and simultaneously salvage your relationship. It comes down to a choice.

28-06-2011, 13:59	#9
bluewolf Moderator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 41,243 Adverts \| Friends Mod: Libertaire, Personal Issues, Politics, Separation and Divorce	Surely you should be more worried about whether your relationship is gone?

28-06-2011, 14:06	#10
seenitall Registered User Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,706 Adverts \| Friends	Hi OP, looks like someone around here is hedging their bets big time... The thing with that kind of behaviour is, though, that there is a high risk of ending up without either woman in your life. Oh, and stop fooling yourself that it is the "friendship" with your "friend" that you miss about her!

28-06-2011, 15:34	#11
curlzy Registered User Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 1,574 Adverts \| Friends	Hey OP, Do you realise how nasty you're being? Just wondering if that even crossed your mind. You obviously feel nothing for your partner and for her sake I hope she doesn't take you back. You obviously feel neither respect nor love for her. Your entire first post is talking about your "friend", in fact you mention your partner twice on the entire thread. Personally I hope your friend dumps her bf and gets with you, you deserve each other. Maybe your partner and your friends partner can get together then and see what it's like to be with someone who's not cheating every chance they get. Do you even realise that that's what you did? You cheated REPEATEDLY, doesn't matter that it was with the same person, you did it again and again. If I were you I'd have a good look at myself and figure out how it is that I can treat someone the way you've treated your partner. You don't even seem ashamed, just worried about if your bit on the side will get with you again. Man up and treat your partner with enough respect to finish it properly with her so she can move on and find a decent man.

28-06-2011, 15:49	#12
question05 Guest Posts: n/a Adverts \| Friends	Question - do you miss your relationship with your girlfriend? All you talk about is how you miss your friendship, but if this is more important to you, then perhaps you need to realise your relationship with your girlfriend is over. Personally, I don't think you're being unfair on your girlfriend, so as other posters have mentioned, I suggest you finish things with your girlfriend so that she can move on.

28-06-2011, 15:55	#13
I am a friend Closed Account Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 2,398 Adverts \| Friends	I thought, when I read your first message, that you had a crush on someone not that you were snogging the face off your 'friend' while going out with someone.... Come on.. You have behaved like a cad... Your gf is nuts if she stays with you and you dont seem to care... You care for your 'friend' and you dont respect your gf... Move on and set her free to meet someone who does.