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19-05-2008, 03:08   #1
ConfusedAsCanBe
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Crossdressing boyfriend

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.

I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.
 
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19-05-2008, 09:07   #2
humanji
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In my opinion, you should talk to him about it. I'd say it's not an incredibly common thing, but it's not exactly rare either. Eddie Izzard is a fairly famous and open cross-dresser, for example.

But it's not going to do either of you any good if you keep it all bottled up. I can understand it was a bit of a shock, so just try and work out if it's something about him that you can accept, and talking with him will give you a good understanding as to why he does it.
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19-05-2008, 09:14   #3
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First thing that sruck me was you avoided the information because it related to sexuality? Of course it did: Its relevant to sexuality. Cross-dressing as I understand does not automagically insinuate homosexuality.

Secondly you need to talk about this. Communication is key. You dont want to live with a Bull Elephant-in-Lingerie hiding under the bed. You'll be throwing your relationship into the dark ages by not talking about it.

Dont walk on egg-shells just talk about it as if it was acceptable/normal. It will be a lot easier for him to talk about it in that way as opposed to thinking he's done something ridiculously left-wing-taboo.
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19-05-2008, 09:21   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAsCanBe View Post
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Its only an issue if you make one of it.
He's obviously embarassed, first thing you should do is find a way to get past that with him.
Then join in & have fun
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19-05-2008, 10:49   #5
flyingdagger
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OP it's more common than you think,I worked with an organisation a few years back and I spoke to a good number of cross dressers.The majority of which identified as being straight.It's not generally something that people will make known about themselves,and it must be difficult to have to keep this side of himself in the dark.Speak to him about it,find out more about that side of him if he's willing to talk about it.Reassure him that you're ok with it.Best of luck
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19-05-2008, 11:02   #6
microgirl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAsCanBe View Post
I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.

I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.
Been there, done that

Though it was different as I knew about the cross-dressing before we started going out. In my case, he was literally just a TV. Totally straight (at the time - he's since "played" with guys, but would still prefer relationships with girls), no female "persona" as such, literally just a bloke in a dress.

It was simply that whatever way he was wired he had no concept of how to be attractive as a guy. To him, girls were attractive, so if he wanted to look and feel attractive then clearly he needed dresses and corsets and so on.

Now, it's different for different people, and you can really only know the case with your fella by talking to him but what I'm trying to make clear is the fact that being a tranny IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER implies *anything* about sexuality (as in straight/gay/bi etc. To be honest, it doesn't even have to be a sexual thing. My fella didn't have to wear a corset to have sex He wasn't turned on by wearing women's clothes, any more than I am) Seriously. In fact, the majority of transvestites or cross-dressers would appear to be straight, even those who do actually have female personas.

Now I think I'd probably have had more of a problem with my boyfriend if he'd had a female persona. I wouldn't quite have known what to do with that. But that's as much down to him suddenly being a different person, if not more so, than specifically about it being *female*.

Ultimately though, it's something you both need to talk about. In a genuine, non-accusatory, non-freaked out manner. This is *not* about you, or your hurt feelings (not saying you think that, but it's not unusual), or anything like that, and certainly don't allow yourself to feel like a victim. This is about him and his needs, pure and simple.

After getting to know this aspect of him as much as possible, then you will have the hard decision of whether or not you can actually handle it - and if you can't that's ok, and nothing to be ashamed of - but don't go over-thinking things before you know anything.

Last edited by microgirl; 19-05-2008 at 11:05.
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19-05-2008, 19:04   #7
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Not uncommon

Cross dressign is not that rare - figures as high as 10% have been published although that might just include those who do it for fun.
I am a cross-dresser, which is the reason I am going anonymous. I am also a parent, hold down a good job, enjoy playing music and photography and art. I am a long distance motorcyclist and try to be a walker and climber. What I am trying to say is that cross dresing is something some men do but there is more to them than that.
Your boyfriend hasn't changed. You have discovered another aspect of him- that's all. Of course talk about it. In fact he is probably thinking you are too disturbed to talk about it. He is the one who is vulnerable now.

And as one post here said, if after talking about it you find it hard to accept then remember that itis his issue not yours so don't get messed up about it if you find it hard to handle.

In the past, I have found some partmerns and friends who found out, had no problem with it while others would have.

My advice. If you can handle it, and you have a good relationship otherwise, then try accepting it. But I would say that wouldn't I!
 
19-05-2008, 19:22   #8
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talk to him about it op the poor guy is obviously mortified at been caught out. it will only be an issue if you make it one.cross dressing doesnt make him gay or anything maybe just curious but the only way you will find out is if you talk to him. and them maybe you can join in.
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19-05-2008, 19:25   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by It Happens View Post
Cross dressign is not that rare - figures as high as 10% have been published although that might just include those who do it for fun.
I am a cross-dresser, which is the reason I am going anonymous. I am also a parent, hold down a good job, enjoy playing music and photography and art. I am a long distance motorcyclist and try to be a walker and climber. What I am trying to say is that cross dresing is something some men do but there is more to them than that.
Your boyfriend hasn't changed. You have discovered another aspect of him- that's all. Of course talk about it. In fact he is probably thinking you are too disturbed to talk about it. He is the one who is vulnerable now.

And as one post here said, if after talking about it you find it hard to accept then remember that itis his issue not yours so don't get messed up about it if you find it hard to handle.

In the past, I have found some partmerns and friends who found out, had no problem with it while others would have.

My advice. If you can handle it, and you have a good relationship otherwise, then try accepting it. But I would say that wouldn't I!
Why do you do it? Not an attacK, I just don't understand it.

Also, are you straight or bi? I think the OP would be interested to know the answers too.
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19-05-2008, 19:28   #10
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I'd say speak to him about it, fast. I'm sure he's feeling pretty insecure right now. I don't see anything wrong with cross-dressing personally. Who knows, perhaps you could share the experience, may bring you closer? Or perhaps I'm rambling...
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19-05-2008, 20:06   #11
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This really will be a very large elephant in the room until you deal with it head on and sit down and discuss it. He may just love dressing up in women's clothes and have no leaning towards homesexuality or transsexualism. By the same token and regardless of the aforementioned you DO need to establish why he does this. Then its up to you what you want to do. Better get it out in the open than be married to him in five years and he tells you he's booked himself in for a sex change. And I'm not that ignorant to think cross-dressing immediately suggests the need to be with the same sex or change gender but it IS important to understand why he does it. Just my two cents.
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19-05-2008, 21:21   #12
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Firstly OP he's not gay nor transsexual, no mess alot of guys on here that are otherwise straight as arrows contact me about this just for advice. Depending on age, life in general etc TV's/CD's come in specific categories and his sounds like the norm, it's not sex related, it's a stress release thats all. You sound pretty open-minded to it so first and foremost talk to him, how open minded you are willing to be is up to you but you don't sound like you want to break up the relationship because of it so do the opposite, sit him down and make him talk to you about it, it may only be a once a month thing and if thats all it is is it worth breaking up over?

Decide how far you're willing to put up with it, if you're comfortable with it then offer to help with makeup and stuff. Seriously I know lots of people that live in Crossdressing male/girlfriend/wife relationships that get on great because it's open and not some hidden secret, it's not really a big thing if you think about, it's only bloody clothes. You know his secret now and he's probably chewing his nails waiting for the phone call where you dump him so if you love him don't dump him, ring him and tell him you want to talk about it. If you want help with contacts and stuff feel free to PM me and the link in my sig (down there vvvv) has alot of info too, it's geared towards Transsexuals but there is information that would help Crossdressers and there partners too.

Last edited by Kazobel; 19-05-2008 at 21:26.
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19-05-2008, 21:47   #13
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I'd agree that you do need to talk to him OP. You need to find out where he's coming from with this, why he does it and what he gets out of it, in order to decide if it's something that's non-threatening to your relationship.

For me personally I wouldnt give a toss why he did it, I just wouldnt be into that, but there are plenty of women who wouldnt see it as a deal-breaker issue depending on what the man in question got out of it. I once met a man who had a powerful sexually-driven urge to dress up which his wife entertained at least twice a week.

Some men dress up as women because it causes them to become powerfully aroused, others as a sensual and relaxing form of stress relief, a minority go on to realise that they are in fact transgendered ('females' in mens bodies - Dont get freaked out by that though; it is a small minority, and in those cases it is not the clothes that put those ideas in a mans head, but the ideas in his head that caused him to put on the clothes.) You do need to talk it out with him though, because you wont know what compels him to cross dress till he sits down and honestly tells you. God love him, he's obviously mortified, so go easy on him!
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19-05-2008, 23:30   #14
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I am also a crossdresser, been a long time poster here also. And to tell the OP, you need to talk to your man and establish why he is doing it. If he wants to be a woman through and through then maybe your in trouble but maybe if his like me where i love to dress but don't find men attractive in any way, then join in on the fun. Women admire my legs (ones that don't even know about my other side) and I know a few other crossdressers that we meet up to simply dress and say what we think of each others outfits etc. Its fun, nothing more. Bit like the way women love to doll up and be admired, same here. Just simply fun.
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20-05-2008, 09:44   #15
Reku
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As others have pointed out crossdressing seems to be far more common than a lot of us realise and doesn't mean that he must be bi/gay.
Really to when you think about it it's just another form of dress up, whether it be role play (e.g. doctor and nurse), dressing up as animals (furries), ageplay, latex and rubber, leather, corsets, crossdressing or full role reversal between the male and the female, as such I'd have to say that dressing up for sexual stimulation or for relaxation seems to be incredibly common when you count all these little subcultures, this is just a specific niche in it. None of them necessarily mean that the person wants the obvious connection you might make (furries are not people who want to sleep with animals, ageplay fans are not paedophiles, crossdressing/role reversal fans do not automatically have same sex desires), on a rare occasion it might be the case, but probably no more so than in the general populace.

Heck they've even touched on this subject in the Simpsons with Homer's wearing Marge's underwear but being adament that it's for the comfort and that doesn't make him less of a man, so it's reasonable to assume it's a regular enough occurance in society.

Talk to him about it and make it clear you are not angry, just unsure of how to handle this, that you want to understand why he does this. If you can accept this and his reasons for doing it then it's just another little secret shared between you to bring you closer together, if not then you may have to accept that perhaps you'd best end the relationship sooner rather than later as asking him to stop would be like him asking you to stop being you, and you pretending to be ok with it is also extremely unfair on you and eventually it'll probably come out in an arguement anyway.

Last edited by Reku; 20-05-2008 at 09:49.
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