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No gift or card for the Bride and Groom!!!

  • 03-06-2012 8:04pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 70 ✭✭


    Hi, I recently got married and was stunned to see that a few people didn't even have the decency to give us a card never mind a gift at our wedding. One of these was my brother and a bridesmaid(brides sister) plus a few others. I would not attend a wedding without giving the bride and groom at least a card and a gift relative to what we could afford. We had a great day but it has left a sour taste in my mouth with regards to some of the guests.I suppose some people are just not generous no matter what they earn.It certainly changed my opinion about some people. Did anyone else have a similar expierence:confused:


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Comments

  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    i havent a clue who gave us presents and who didnt.

    we wrote a list of presents but didnt check it against our wedding guest list.

    and tbh i can't give a sh.ite who did or didnt give us presents, i was just delighted to have everyone there and to hear all the compliments - best wedding ever etc.

    we are now married 6 weeks or something and presents are still coming in from people who were at the wedding


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,595 ✭✭✭The Lovely Muffin


    I assume you invited your guests to share your special day because you wanted them there and wanted them to share your happiness, not for what you could get from them, apologies if I am mistaken.

    Yes, it's rude when guests don't give presents, cards etc, but maybe just maybe they couldn't afford gifts, maybe they just haven't gotten the money.

    Did any of your guests have to travel, get babysitters, pay for accommodation, get new outfits for the day etc, these things all add up and maybe there was just no extra left for gifts.

    As for the cards, you can get them cheaply so no excuse for not giving one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 70 ✭✭maxpowers


    i have no problem with not recieving any gift.I completely understand peoples financial situations - its not recieving a card at least just got on my nerves tbh.I just dont understand it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,595 ✭✭✭The Lovely Muffin


    maxpowers wrote: »
    i have no problem with not recieving any gift.I completely understand peoples financial situations - its not recieving a card at least just got on my nerves tbh.I just dont understand it.
    I apologize, I misunderstood your opening post and thought you meant that not receiving gifts from some guests left a sour taste in your mouth.


  • Registered Users Posts: 160 ✭✭cold case


    Maybe they were too embarrassed to give a card with nothing enclosed, eg voucher or cash? The empty card would only draw attention?:o


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  • Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭lookitsme


    maybe it was a bit inconsiderate, but when they where there did they pass on their congrats and compliments to you in person. Would you feel better if you had it in writing. It can be alot of hassel for some people to go to weddings and often they can be very expensive, when you include travel, hotels, drinks, outfits and on and on. It can be hard with one wedding in a year some people have to go to a few. And remember you invited them they didn't ask to go (I presume).. Remember your special day for what it was, not for what you didn't get.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,055 ✭✭✭snickerpuss


    I think the card is sort of less important when you've attended the wedding. And they may indeed be embarrassed if they can't afford anything.
    If someone couldn't afford to give a gift I don't think I would care. Gotta approach the wedding like you're going to pay for every part of it. After all you're the one hosting a party.

    I think not sending cards can be rude but like they attended the wedding! If you were ignored completely I could understand why you'd be annoyed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    Be also aware OP that sometimes cards go missing - now I'm not saying who I think kept the cards but I know in my own wedding a few cards never made it to us that were given. At a wedding alot of cards are stupidly given to the bride and groom (instead of maybe an allocated groomsman) who have no pockets and are distracted by everyone trying to talk to them at once - it's very easy to leave a card down and for it to be picked up without anyone noticing.

    I also know there was a story a while back about staff taking stuff from the honeymoon suite while the couple where at the reception.

    That being said - A cousin and her husband handed me an empty card even though we put them up for free, fed them for a week and brought them out to dinner and paid the night before. Bad form. They both have very good jobs btw.

    What we did was thank everyone, no matter what, thank you cards went out the same month to everyone -

    But it does make you less quick to put the hand in the pocket at future occasions for those who took advantage. Lesson learned - The cousin had a baby recently and I handed her an empty card with my congratulations. I knew from her face that she was expecting the basket of goodies I usually have for family members. She got to witness us giving another cousin a basket a week later though - so she got the message loud and clear! :P


  • Registered Users Posts: 344 ✭✭lennyloulou


    My advice to anyone getting married is to have agreat day and save save for the day you want. We had our wedding costs covered and went into our marraige free of bills. Whatever you do DO NOT TAKT OUT A LOAN expecting your wedding presents to pay for the day. It will not.
    I am so so so hurt that so many did not acknowledge our day. Not even a 20e candlestick or set of glasses... nothing...no card.. many of my inlaws - the cousins ( 5 in one familiy, 6 in another....all the kids brought partners, are working in better paid jobs that we are) never even sent a card.
    Many of my neighbours- the younger generation 30yrs- living at home, no kids/mortgage...out every sat night drinking never acknowledged either. Am so tired of these people either avoiding me or saying they have a card for me. I know they have no intention of it.
    Believe me we invited with an open heart and we had saved for our day. However I grew up with basic pride- you do not go to an event without passing yourself .... eaten bread is soon forgotten. By the way im married a year


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    maxpowers wrote: »
    Hi, I recently got married and was stunned to see that a few people didn't even have the decency to give us a card never mind a gift at our wedding. One of these was my brother and a bridesmaid(brides sister) plus a few others. I would not attend a wedding without giving the bride and groom at least a card and a gift relative to what we could afford. We had a great day but it has left a sour taste in my mouth with regards to some of the guests.I suppose some people are just not generous no matter what they earn.It certainly changed my opinion about some people. Did anyone else have a similar expierence:confused:

    I remember reading somewhere that the usual etiquette is that giving a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding is acceptable in terms of manners, so dont write them off yet?

    I havent got my sister anything yet and she will be married a couple of months by the time I am able to drive to town again after an operation. It may be a month again after that before I see her to give it to her. I couldnt get her something beforehand because I was heavily pregnant and too tired to go shopping- I just about made it through a day's work.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    My advice to anyone getting married is to have agreat day and save save for the day you want. We had our wedding costs covered and went into our marraige free of bills. Whatever you do DO NOT TAKT OUT A LOAN expecting your wedding presents to pay for the day. It will not.
    I am so so so hurt that so many did not acknowledge our day. Not even a 20e candlestick or set of glasses... nothing...no card.. many of my inlaws - the cousins ( 5 in one familiy, 6 in another....all the kids brought partners, are working in better paid jobs that we are) never even sent a card.
    Many of my neighbours- the younger generation 30yrs- living at home, no kids/mortgage...out every sat night drinking never acknowledged either. Am so tired of these people either avoiding me or saying they have a card for me. I know they have no intention of it.
    Believe me we invited with an open heart and we had saved for our day. However I grew up with basic pride- you do not go to an event without passing yourself .... eaten bread is soon forgotten. By the way im married a year

    To be honest with you, I think you are very selfish... They did acknowledge the day! They turned up, didn't they? I bet that they probably payed out more on your day than you did to feed them, what with outfits, transport, accommodation, paying a childminder etc.

    I'm getting married next year and do you know what, I'll just be happy that everyone turns up to the day to share my joy in being married.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    January wrote: »
    To be honest with you, I think you are very selfish... They did acknowledge the day! They turned up, didn't they? I bet that they probably payed out more on your day than you did to feed them, what with outfits, transport, accommodation, paying a childminder etc.

    I'm getting married next year and do you know what, I'll just be happy that everyone turns up to the day to share my joy in being married.

    The OP only wants a card though - not money or anything - it only costs a euro in the pound shop for a card. Which is fair enough -if the bride and groom don't take the time to send out cards there'd be very bad feelings.


  • Registered Users Posts: 344 ✭✭lennyloulou


    Ive no problem with anyone thinking I am selfish..... As i said I very clearly we had our wedding paid for... I was not expecting huge gifts- acknowledgment- thats all. I always sort my way to events/weddings or else I do not go at all. Maybe it is a pride thing.
    Yes,presents can arrive late. I got a lamp 2wks ago... very kind of the couple.
    I would be very interested to see how brides-to - be will feel after their own day. I promise you - you will be shocked how people interpret you wedding! You will be shocked inspite of your good intentions/enthusiasm now. Come back next year and fill me in ! Best of Luck!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,063 ✭✭✭Miaireland


    No sure if it anywhere but where I live it is a tradition that you send the wedding card/present anytime before the Bride and Groom's first Anniversery


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    sorry but how did you know who gave you a card and who didnt?

    I mean there was only 40 at my wedding and i wouldnt have breeze who gave a card and who didnt.

    did you sit down with your guest list and tick them off ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,286 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    irishbird wrote: »
    sorry but how did you know who gave you a card and who didnt?

    I mean there was only 40 at my wedding and i wouldnt have breeze who gave a card and who didnt.

    did you sit down with your guest list and tick them off ?

    Yes we actually did this! It meant then that when we wrote our thank you cards, we could be specific eg "thank you for the crystal vase", "thank you for your beautiful card" as opposed to "thank you for your present".

    Referring back to the original poster - I can agree with you and it's more in relation to evening guests - many of them at our wedding didn't even give a card. I have never gone to any part of a wedding without at least a card. Also I think our younger brothers and sisters didn't give us a card or present - but then they were under 25 and students but still a card would have been nice!


  • Registered Users Posts: 198 ✭✭Kathnora


    I attended a wedding last week and it was the first wedding I ever attended where I never once got to speak to the bride and groom. Granted, I was unable to attend the church due to work commitments so missed out on the greetings as guests leave the church. (I have attended the "afters" of previous weddings though and met the bride and groom) The couple last week didn't know us (we are related to the groom's mother) and I genuinely sought opportunities to meet them to no avail. My point is...... we attended and gave a generous cash gift. The groom passed our table at one stage, glancing briefly in our direction and walked on. Now, I know that it's customary to invite the mammies and daddies relations and a lot of couples don't have a clue of who's who on their special day but surely they could make an effort to meet and greet guests briefly particularly when gifts are given. The more I think about it now especially after reading some of the above posts it wouldn't have mattered if we hadn't given a gift at all. The only thing I'm glad about is that we handed the envelope to the groom's mother who was responsible for us getting an invite in the first place. AND....it wouldn't have bothered me one bit if we weren't invited as most weddings unless you are closely connected to the couple are an endurance test.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Ive no problem with anyone thinking I am selfish..... As i said I very clearly we had our wedding paid for... I was not expecting huge gifts- acknowledgment- thats all. I always sort my way to events/weddings or else I do not go at all. Maybe it is a pride thing.
    Yes,presents can arrive late. I got a lamp 2wks ago... very kind of the couple.
    I would be very interested to see how brides-to - be will feel after their own day. I promise you - you will be shocked how people interpret you wedding! You will be shocked inspite of your good intentions/enthusiasm now. Come back next year and fill me in ! Best of Luck!

    But not every couple expect a gift or acknowledgement, you are assuming they do. A close friend got married recently and made it clear to everybody that no gifts were expected. She stated that cash gifts would be donated to a local charity, and non cash gifts would be auctioned on e-bay and the cash donated to the same charity. And they did exactly that - she sent everyone a copy of the thank you letter from the charity.

    I thought it was a beautiful idea. She and her husband felt fortunate to be in good employment, in good health, and financially stable, and recognised that their guests make such an effort and expense to travel to their wedding even when some were unemployed or had had paycuts and maybe were struggling.

    It was the first wedding I have ever been to where I saw the usual wedding trimmings were unnecessary and it only further highlighted the true beauty of a wedding - 2 people who love each other, celebrating their vows with friends and family. Its hard to describe, but everybody there loved the low-key atmosphere, and the bride and groom were really chilled out and totally enjoying their day.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    Sunny Dayz wrote: »
    Yes we actually did this! It meant then that when we wrote our thank you cards, we could be specific eg "thank you for the crystal vase", "thank you for your beautiful card" as opposed to "thank you for your present".
    !

    yeah, we done this with the card and presents but we didnt check it off the quest list to make sure everyone gave us presents.

    we have also taken photos of us using the present and stated what charity the cash gifts were donated to/used for etc.


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,901 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    We checked it off the guest list purely because in our families a lot of the guests have the same name ie I've got two uncle Johns who are married to aunty Marys so we wanted to make sure we sent the right cards to the right ones (we sent cards saying 'thank you for the toaster' etc).

    One or two of our guests gave a card but no present but that didn't bother me, I do feel it's the thought that counts. We had a lovely time on our first anniversary looking back through all our wedding cards and reading the messages in them. I wouldn't hold it against anyone who didn't get us a present, we don't know their circumstances but if I'm being honest I'd feel pretty hurt if they didn't bother with a card.

    I had always heard that the etiquette regarding the gifts/cards for the bride and groom was that guests had up to 6 months after the wedding to give them, and the bride and groom had up until their first anniversary to send the thankyou cards. How long ago did you get married OP?


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,827 ✭✭✭christmas2012


    a card wouldnt have gone astray,but you didnt get married for the gifts surely...i wouldnt let it bother me that much


  • Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭Jogathon


    Oh my God, when my sister got married I never gave her a card! I was bridesmaid - I never thought that I should? I paid for silk for bridesmaids dresses and a few other things coming up to the wedding. We're close - so I just never thought she'd want a card!

    On the wedding day 3 cards went missing from the hotel. One had been given to me so I knew I'd handed it in to the reception desk to be minded in the safe. It was awful - one had €600 in it. What I do now is I always drop my card and money into the couple a few days before so they can bank it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 103 ✭✭blondie29


    I personally would never go to a wedding without giving a card and cash/gift.

    Obviously everyone has different circumstances financially etc & I'm sure couples are happy people would go to their wedding but to show up without even a card is bad form.

    In saying that there was few weddings where we gave the card&gift few weeks/months after a wedding so maybe people might drop you one yet OP.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    irishbird wrote: »
    sorry but how did you know who gave you a card and who didnt?

    I mean there was only 40 at my wedding and i wouldnt have breeze who gave a card and who didnt.

    did you sit down with your guest list and tick them off ?

    I would've thought that it was good manners to know what guest gave you what (be it a card, a present or cash). That way when writing your thank you cards, you can actually say: "thank you for your very generous gift" or "thank you for the toaster", etc. rather than just thanks. It means that you've put more effort into thanking your guests.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    I would've thought that it was good manners to know what guest gave you what (be it a card, a present or cash). That way when writing your thank you cards, you can actually say: "thank you for your very generous gift" or "thank you for the toaster", etc. rather than just thanks. It means that you've put more effort into thanking your guests.

    See the below post from me stating we have a list of everything we received and have sent thank you card including photos of the gifts being used and letters stating what we spent money and what charities we donated money what we didnt do was compare it to the quest list to bitch about people who didnt give anything


    irishbird wrote: »
    yeah, we done this with the card and presents but we didnt check it off the quest list to make sure everyone gave us presents.

    we have also taken photos of us using the present and stated what charity the cash gifts were donated to/used for etc.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭silly


    We did go through our list of guests and ticked them off when we sent them a thank you card - there's nothing wrong with doing that! and we didnt bitch about people who didnt give us anything - just didnt want to send a card to someone saying thank you for a gift we didnt recieve! Thats would be embarrasing for them and us.
    It was easier to work off our guest list than a bundle of cards, and i marked off each guest as i sealed and addressed each envelope.

    We are married 8 months and there are a few people that we didnt recieve a card from... but we're not bothered really, we had a great day and thats all that matters.


  • Registered Users Posts: 686 ✭✭✭kittex


    Ive no problem with anyone thinking I am selfish..... As i said I very clearly we had our wedding paid for... I was not expecting huge gifts- acknowledgment- thats all. I always sort my way to events/weddings or else I do not go at all. Maybe it is a pride thing.
    Yes,presents can arrive late. I got a lamp 2wks ago... very kind of the couple.
    I would be very interested to see how brides-to - be will feel after their own day. I promise you - you will be shocked how people interpret you wedding! You will be shocked inspite of your good intentions/enthusiasm now. Come back next year and fill me in ! Best of Luck!

    I don't think you're selfish at all. You invite people to celebrate with you but if they don't pasds on some sort of gesture of positive feeling, be it card, gift, financial - you feel a little violated - almost like they just turned up to have a gawk or a meal.
    We can often have a culture of begrudging and jealousy in Ireland and we are often not mature enough to admit it properly. Nothing like a bit of good fortune to make friends in Ireland vanish.

    Nevermind the miserable bastards. I hope you had a wonderful wedding day and congrats on your first year of marriage. :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭anthonymax


    No way are you selfish OP. My sister got married two years ago, an uncle and aunt of ours didn't give her a card. Every time she meets them out somewhere they say "Oh ! God, I still have your card at home, aren't I awful, it's been so long since the wedding.....etc etc...."
    She and I and our other sister have been to the house many times and they to ours and there's never a card! We laugh at it now at this stage, obviously my sis is glad they came and all but come on!

    There were a few others at her wedding who didn't give a card, to be honest I think it's really really bad manners not to give anything, if someone doesn't have the likes of 50 or 100 euro to put in a card, there is absolutely nothing in the world stopping them from buying a small gift somewhere not too expensive and no-one will know how much it cost. I've seen some gorgeous picture frames for example for as little as a tenner in sales that look way more expensive than they are.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,642 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    ^^^ Do you want their prescence or their presents :confused:


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  • Registered Users, Subscribers Posts: 47,247 ✭✭✭✭Zaph


    If someone doesn't give us a card I'm not going to think any worse of them tbh, and especially not months later. However if they kept mentioning that they had one they must give you I can see how that could become tedious. If there's a present included, well that's just a bonus, we're not inviting people to the wedding just so we can get presents. Obviously peoples' generosity is very much appreciated, but we have no idea what anyone's financial situation is, especially these days so if there's no present, so what? The simple fact that people are taking time out of their lives to enjoy the day with us is the best part. As long as the day is a success and everyone has fun, who cares about any of the other stuff?


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