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Rebuilding a friendship and crush

  • 30-01-2012 12:59am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭


    Im not sure if this is the right place to post, I think in my case it sort of might be.

    I have a crush on a guy who is also my friend, we use to get along great with each other, I found out from another friend that he knew about my sextuality, and after I mentioned it too him he said things were fine I was still his friend blah blah. After this he distanced himself abit from me, now granted we had finished school with each other at this point and got our results when he started to distance himself.

    We remained friends but saw each other much less and kept getting into stupid fights with each other and still do, last october at a party I kissed him, well it was more like a little peck on both the cheek and lips. We talked and things were fine then a few days later we got into a fight and didnt really talk for a month then we patched things up and now we got into a small fight again today and decided not to talk for a week and think about how we feel and if we can make this friendship work and how.

    Has anybody got any suggestions as to how I might go about this? He is a friend I really dont want to lose and I lost a friend recent enough aswell for different reasons.

    I'd really appreciate help with this, id rather be just his friend then not have him at all.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭MyKeyG


    How did he react to the kiss at the time?


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    I had told him right away that I was sorry and he had said it was alright and didnt do anything till about 20mins after I walked away from him, i know he has other gay friends as he grew up with one or two b4 he ever met me if it makes a difference, they were school friends


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭MyKeyG


    This doesn't necessarily have to be regarding sexuality. He may feel awkward around a friend he knows has unrequited feelings for him. That's natural for a lot of people. My best male friend told his best female friend that he had feelings for her and she didn't talk to him for six months out of the embarrassment of rejecting him.

    Unfortunately if it is the fact that you're also male then it could run a bit deeper. Unfortunately there's still a lot of stigma attached to homosexuality and he may feel it a threat to his masculinity that a gay friend made a pass at him. I'm pretty sure he feels bad about feeling bad if you get my drift but this may be something that's best healed with time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    He has also told me that he would feel like nervous if he was alone with me, i cant remember the exact way he worded that but it was the same meaning, i assured him i would never try take advantage like if we were alone, Is there anyway i can really get him to be 100% honest with me about it, he isnt one to open up to much at all to anyone and has said that he knows its just a crush


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭MyKeyG


    If I was him I think I'd want to know why you kissed me. Did you think I would reciprocate and if so why did you think that? Will the mindset that caused you to kiss me change? Ultimately I think the issue is not the kiss but the fact that you have feelings for him.

    People can't turn off feelings. He's probably aware of that and therefore can't see how you can be together just the two of you without you wanting to take it further.

    I'll put it to you this way. I'd feel awkward being alone with a girl whose advances I spurred since I couldn't be sure if her feelings had changed and would us being alone together give her the wrong idea? Having a gay friend is one thing. Having a gay friend that has feelings for you is something many straight people find difficult to come to terms with.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,373 ✭✭✭✭foggy_lad


    To be honest I would be nervous if one of my close friends was coming on to me the whole time. Your description of what has happened so far gives away the fact that you long for a relationship with this straight guy so much so that you are imagining him being bisexual or gay to satisfy your needs, why else would you "test the waters" by openly kissing him at a party?

    You need to let go of any notion or idea that there will ever be anything in this or you will not just lose his friendship but also his respect. You must convince yourself that he is not now and never will be interested in you before you do something to make him hate you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭MyKeyG


    foggy_lad wrote: »
    why else would you "test the waters" by openly kissing him at a party?
    That's kind of the crux of the point I think. You made a move for a reason and he knows that. You can't expect him to believe the reason is just going to disappear.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 91 ✭✭James W


    Im not sure if this is the right place to post, I think in my case it sort of might be.

    I have a crush on a guy who is also my friend, we use to get along great with each other, I found out from another friend that he knew about my sextuality, and after I mentioned it too him he said things were fine I was still his friend blah blah. After this he distanced himself abit from me, now granted we had finished school with each other at this point and got our results when he started to distance himself.

    We remained friends but saw each other much less and kept getting into stupid fights with each other and still do, last october at a party I kissed him, well it was more like a little peck on both the cheek and lips. We talked and things were fine then a few days later we got into a fight and didnt really talk for a month then we patched things up and now we got into a small fight again today and decided not to talk for a week and think about how we feel and if we can make this friendship work and how.

    Has anybody got any suggestions as to how I might go about this? He is a friend I really dont want to lose and I lost a friend recent enough aswell for different reasons.

    I'd really appreciate help with this, id rather be just his friend then not have him at all.
    Well, on the basis of what you write, I'd suggest that if you want to retain him as a friend you need to let him go. The more you focus on this, the more you hanker, hang on and grasp, the more likely it is that he will cut contact. This may end up being the case in any event, but it is virtually certain if you continue as you presently are. If it is taking a lot of work to make a friendship or relationship work, then it isn't working!

    You also need to accept the fact that the dynamic which exists between friends in school or college tends to change when people move to different stages in life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    From what you've posted it doesn't sound like he has any problem with the you being gay part, just the you making moves part.

    In fairness to him, he didn't make any fuss when you kissed him, but it can take a bit of time to get over the awkwardness of an unrequited crush for all concerned.

    Give him a few weeks/months, get over him and in a few months time let him know you feel a bit silly about it all and move on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    floggg wrote: »
    From what you've posted it doesn't sound like he has any problem with the you being gay part, just the you making moves part.

    In fairness to him, he didn't make any fuss when you kissed him, but it can take a bit of time to get over the awkwardness of an unrequited crush for all concerned.

    Give him a few weeks/months, get over him and in a few months time let him know you feel a bit silly about it all and move on.

    This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭MyKeyG


    This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation :)
    No disrespect but just because it's optimistic doesn't mean it's realistic. Just be careful heeding what you want to hear, my gut says your friendship is done.


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    MyKeyG wrote: »
    No disrespect but just because it's optimistic doesn't mean it's realistic. Just be careful heeding what you want to hear, my gut says your friendship is done.

    I can see your point too but at the same time its best I think to keep a bit of optimism, only time will tell tho, and it should be sorted next week which way the friendship will go.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,373 ✭✭✭✭foggy_lad


    I can see your point too but at the same time its best I think to keep a bit of optimism, only time will tell tho, and it should be sorted next week which way the friendship will go.
    The problem is that you are going to be optimistic that because your friend is at least chatting with you still he has not completely ruled out the possibility of having a relationship with you!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    This seems kinda like the best reply I've had, we are both trying to work together at rebuilding our friendship and its also why we took this week to not talk and to just think about it ourselves. We do get along and I would never want to lose him cause our families are connected through both me and him but also our brothers too, so in a way four of us are connected and we are all friends. Thanks you have given me an optimistic view on the situation :)

    I'm really talking months to let it sit, not a week. You need to be completely over him before things will get anything like back to normal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    floggg wrote: »
    I'm really talking months to let it sit, not a week. You need to be completely over him before things will get anything like back to normal.

    I really appreciate everything that everyone has said. I think that no matter what the friendship would never turn into us being enemies, and that it may become we dont hang out or really talk but would still say hi and all that if we ever did see each other and we would still say happy birthday and all that, if you know what I mean?

    Everything that has been said has given me different views on the situation and I really do appreciate it :) Time will tell us I suppose :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    So me and my friend are gonna be talking about things next week, anybody have any advice or anything?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,602 ✭✭✭Rick_


    Reverse the roles a bit.

    A female friend you have basically acted the exact same way with you how you did on your friend. What would you think about her? What would you say or do with her? Try and see this from his point of view.

    I dunno what to tell you about what you should talk about, but I do know that I almost ruined my friendship with my best friend because of behaving like this with him and I didn't just kiss him when drunk but even told him I fancied him and stuff when sober. With us, it ended up with us not talking for a few months but after a while we ran into each other, got chatting and admitted we were both wrong for the way we had done things, admitted we both really missed having each other in our lives and decided from then on that that was the end of it and we would move on forwards as friends again and no more funny business between us. Now, several years later we are back to the way we used to be, the best of friends, like brothers and no more stupid drunken antics, talking or behaviour wise. It was the best thing we had ever done. If it came to a choice between having him as a best friend or not having him at all, then best friend wins every time. Of course I still have the odd moment where I think about him in a "more than friends" way, I'm only human, but almost as soon as the thought enters my head I put it out again and remember that it almost ruined an amazing thing once, and there's no way I'm gonna let that happen again.

    Good luck to the two of you, I hope you can work it out. Make sure you come back and let us know how it went. :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 876 ✭✭✭Aurongroove


    This may not be as helpful to you as it is to me, but thankfully I've never found myself in the situation.

    I've had close male friends almost my entire life one or two in particular when I was younger and still in the closet. I've made several male friends who I suspect could potentially be my type if they were gay, but I've never had an issue with separating male friends from gay interest.

    If I were to imagine a set of rules on how to keep this separation healthy then sorry but, not kissing them would be one of the rules! and not fantasizing about them would be another.


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭souleater3000


    Well we had our talk, all went well was a bit awkward at points with moments of silence but we got through it and will continue to do it until everything is cleared up between us, so we will be remaining friends for the foreseeable future. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this it was appreciated, if anyone has anything else to say do go ahead and say it unless its things like your a fool then i dont want to read that.
    Once again thank you. :)


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