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My boyfriend says I'm unfair for not wanting him to watch porn!!

2

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    But my main issue is that I do not like the thought that he is masturbating to pictures of other women flaunting their sexuality. These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it?

    see this is the bit where there is a disconnect i feel. I honestly think the majority of men do not watch porn cos those women 'really do it for them'. I think you are putting your feelings into him in this situation....whereas actually he probably does not feel this way.
    I hope you can find a solution OP


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    OP, you're totally entitled to dislike your boyfriend watching porn. You're also perfectly entitled to convey these feelings to him.

    But you can't tell him what to do. You can ask, but if he's refused, he's refused.

    If this is the only problem in your relationship, I'd advise you not to let it become the destruction of your relationship. Good things are hard to come by and it's usually best to find a compromise rather than turn it into a unstoppable force vs. immovable object type situation. You didn't say on what terms you discussed this with him, but I suspect it was confrontational/placing blame on each other/calling each other unfair. Rather than confronting him, try sitting him down and calmly explaining to each other how you see the situation. I suspect that he sees your request as irrational and that you see his refusal as irrational. Explanations are definitely the way to go. If he's willing to explain these things to you, try and be calm, patient, listen to what he has to say, and don't get upset at him/start crying. Let him know, without placing blame or acting overemotional, that you see it as him not thinking you're enough etc. I've no doubt that he'll assure you how he feels about you. It'll take some very calm discussion, but you may be able to find compromise.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,697 ✭✭✭seenitall


    I just want to know how I can get him to stop.

    Right. And your boyfriend's the disrespectful one? :rolleyes: If I knew that my OH was thinking/talking about me in these terms, he wouldn't see me for dust, whatever the issue at hand.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I don't see any great difference between his watching porn and you using a vibrator. Both are outside stimulii (for want of a better description) which aid masturbation. The only difference is that instead of your boyfriend using a battery operated implement, he's watching actual humans having sex. It's doubtful that your boyfriend is watching it because he particularly fancies the women in the scenes. Just like your vibrator, the porn is a means to an end.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,069 ✭✭✭carlybabe1


    I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays :)....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then :eek:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    carlybabe1 wrote: »
    I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays :)....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then :eek:

    This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is. I guarantee he won't like it one little bit if you start looking and salivating over men with bodies he can't have.

    And yes, be sure to comment on how wonderful the size of the model / actor / sportsman's penis looks to be, and how that's just SO hot. Any good woman knows it's not all about size, but most men are so paranoid about the length of their d1cks that he'll run screaming if he thinks you think he's inadequate. And then he'll suddenly know how it feels when you catch him getting off over pictures of women with toned stomachs, huge boobs and big asses.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Mallei wrote: »
    This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is. I guarantee he won't like it one little bit if you start looking and salivating over men with bodies he can't have.

    And yes, be sure to comment on how wonderful the size of the model / actor / sportsman's penis looks to be, and how that's just SO hot. Any good woman knows it's not all about size, but most men are so paranoid about the length of their d1cks that he'll run screaming if he thinks you think he's inadequate. And then he'll suddenly know how it feels when you catch him getting off over pictures of women with toned stomachs, huge boobs and big asses.

    Ehm, OP, please don't do this ^ :confused::confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,294 ✭✭✭Jack B. Badd


    Mallei wrote: »
    This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is.

    Except that you are being vindictive...

    From the OP, it doesn't appear that the OH was watching porn in front of her, she simply came across it on his computer (in the history, not even an open window) in the same way she could have come across his facebook page or the last boards.ie thread he responded to. He wasn't rubbing her nose it in so why should she rub his nose in her porn. OP, I'll bet that if you go down this route he'll dump you for acting like a child. You asked him not to look at porn, he refused your request so perhaps you could stop using his computer or ask him to set the history to clean itself out on a daily basis. Discretness on his part seems like a fair compromise...


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    carlybabe1 wrote: »
    I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays :)....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then :eek:

    How childish. The OP's boyfriend isn't flaunting pics of porn actresses in her face, commenting on their cleavage or tight bodies, and generally rubbing her nose in it. She only found out because she used his laptop and it came up on the browsing history. This is terrible advice and I'd be ignoring it.

    OP, I don't understand why you find porn so unacceptable despite your explanations, but I can say that he'll not be budging on this issue. It's not even an issue for him. Unless you can find some way to get past it (perhaps making your own porn vids with him or taking sexy pictures for him to use when you're not around), then this isn't going to work between ye.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    First of all, I genuinely don't see what the big deal about porn is. I watch it, and it's not that I'm fantasizing about people other than my girlfriend... it's just something that replaces my utter and complete lack of imagination!!

    As far as relationships go, clearly the real issue is that you're at a major wall- as many posters have said, neither of you are right, and neither are wrong. However, both of you are guilty of stubborn attitudes. If you want a relationship to continue, you need to compromise, which it seems like you're unwilling to do. But BOTH of you do.

    A suggestion that I haven't seen here already (edit: damn, beaten to the punch!) : why not make your own porn? I would imagine that you turn him on like crazy- else why would he be with you? He likes to jack off to porn. You feel threatened by the female porn stars. So, why not become the star yourself. You could start off by getting a boudoir photosession done, which is apparently great fun. Record yourself on a webcam saying what you'd like to do to him. Actually record yourselves having sex. Whatever you feel comfortable doing. I can only imagine that having his girlfriend do things like this, just for him, will make him feel awesome, and will keep him satisfied, porn wise. He'll have something to enjoy, and you will know that he's enjoying himself to you. win-win.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 526 ✭✭✭7Sins


    I only read the OP here, so sorry guys. My take is based on the differences between men and women's sexuality. Men are "instant" that's the word I'll use. I'll speak for myself here. When I have sex with a woman, I generally feel very little until the point of you know what and then yipeeee! :D That's what we as men crave, it's seeking those 10 seconds or less of a climax to fulfil our sexual appetite. We seek this constantly. We need instant gratification and porn can help to provide that. Your take that he is cheating on you with other women is a gross exaggeration and very unfair on him. This is how men are built and I'm afraid you'll have to accept that. Ever hear of what you don't know, can't hurt you? tell him to hide it better ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    But my main issue is that I do not like the thought that he is masturbating to pictures of other women flaunting their sexuality. These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it? If he's just looking for physical gratification then he has a hand.

    Please excuse me if my comments appear crude, I do not mean them to be, but to describe what goes on in a man's head during masturbation may help in some small way to understand the role that porn plays. Your statement above suggests to me that your interpretation of porn's role is erroneous.

    Personally I'm not a fan of porn, but then I'm old enough to say that the internet wasn't available at the time in my life when porn might have been interesting for me. There are forms of porn that have no place in civilised society and I have no tolerance for people who use them (child porn, animal porn, graphic violent porn) but for the rest I am comfortable enough to say "whatever floats your boat" provided it is produced ethically by people who choose to work in that industry.

    Most men masturbate, at some stage in their lives if not throughout their lives. Many women do too, though they are generally more discreet about it.

    When men masturbate they rarely think about somebody they have real feelings for, because the objective of masturbation is not intimacy, it is release (of sexual tension, of fears, of stress, etc). The sexual images in their heads are "designed" to stimulate themselves sexually, not to arouse feelings of love, intimacy, and bonding. For an average man those images are not easily created and maintained throughout the activity, because to maintain the image while using the hand for self-arousal is a multi-tasking skill, and as you know men are generally less competent at multi-tasking.

    If real feelings of intimacy were to arise during the act it could actually have the opposite effect to that intended, and may result in loss of erection.

    Of course, men are not actually as stupid as the media might portray them to be. They know that real women do not look like those porn images because those images (in fact almost all media images of women, not just the porn images) have been air-brushed, digitally enhanced, or (video) shot using special lighting or lenses to enhance the image beyond what is seen in real life. Most men (I certainly don't pretend to speak on behalf of all men) do not actually draw comparisons between those porn images and their own partners. Indeed I would suggest that most of us would be uncomfortable at the idea of our partners dressing or behaving in such a manner.

    You already understand the benefit of using an aid in masturbation, since you use an aid yourself.

    For the single-tasking male, looking at the image of porn simply avoids the mental acrobatics of trying to conjure up a memory/created scene while performing a manual stimulation. Nothing more. The image is mentally discarded immediately afterwards.

    I think that what you find offensive about your partner using porn is that his "mental images" actually take physical form, and you can see that form. I would imagine that your partner would not be pleased to see your own sex aid strewn around the bedroom after use, along with traces of the pleasure it brought you. Yet he probably feels comfortable with you owning it, and even knowing you use it does not trouble him. Seeing the evidence might!

    So my suggestion Op, is that since there is no right-vs-wrong here in terms of his actions, that you should insist that he does not leave any traces of porn in your house. That includes no stored images on the PC, no stored website addresses (frankly I consider that leaving such websites in the history is very dangerous because you just don't know when a younger person may end up using your PC and stumbling upon such sites) and certainly no videos / magazines left around the house.

    If you cannot accept that compromise, then it's a case of either ending the relationship or forcing a change in his behaviour against his will, not because it is wrong but because you don't accept that he should have the freedom to choose. I think this latter course of action is unhealthy, but it's a matter for the two of you.

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    Assuming this is true, I think Op should find it deeply worrying that her partner was using a mental image of somebody he knew, especially somebody he worked with. To my way of thinking, using the image of a porn actor is preferable, since in that case the actor has chosen to have her image used in this way.

    Be at peace,

    Z


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 139 ✭✭HugoDrax


    Hi OP,

    You are completely overreacting and you are being incredibly naive.

    Men think about sex all the time and they separate sex from love.

    The other day I was on my bf's laptop and found a pornsite in his history (you know the way it completes websites for you when you type them in). I asked him about it and he got all defensive and we had a row.

    In case you are unaware the number no.1 use of the internet world wide is porn. Porn sites get bigger hits than Hollywood, news, online gaming, gambling, sport and music put together on the internet.
    He knows I don't like porn. I've asked him not to watch it before. I know some women don't mine their men watching porn but I'm not one of them, and I know I'm not alone in it either. I don't like the way porn is made and how degrading it is the women but on a more personal level I also hate the idea that he's getting off to explicit images of other women. I know some people argue that it's just a fantasy but a fantasy is in your head. He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.

    Men look at other women all the time and imagine having sex with them. Middle aged men who have teenage daughters imagine having sex with their friends but they don't do or say anything about it.Even the nice harmless 80 year old men you see shuffling about are checking you and every other woman out because they wish they were 19 years old and they were playing the field.
    Deal with it.
    Thing is, he won't see my side. When I asked him to stop he said he didn't see why he had to because he wasn't replacing me he was just having some time to himself and although I said his "time to himself" involved pretending he was with other women, he almost seemed incapable of understanding why that was upsetting.

    Men who are in relationships with women will still masturbate. Porn is an aid.
    He even tried to turn the argument around and said that he'd stop watching porn when I stopped using my vibrator on my own!!!

    He has a point.
    I tried to say that I don't have a problem with him masturbating because yes I do that with my toy too but the problem is that he's doing it over pictures of other women.

    A toy is a substitute penis isn't it? When you use it are you not imagining your bf or some Hollywood hunk is having sex with you?
    How do I try and resolve this? he seems determined not to stop his porn habit and I don't think I can stay with him when I know he's continuing to do something that upsets me so much when I've asked him to stop.

    Every man who knows how to use a computer looks at porn. Every single one.
    You are never going to a find a man on earth who does not look at porn.
    Am I not enough???

    No woman is enough. No sex is enough. Men want to have as much sex as possible with as many women as possible. But most men do fall in love and do want to have relationships but their penises do not have off switches.

    There is a double standard here because many men get incredibly turned on by watching their partner masturbate to porn and many men would enjoy watching their partner having sex with either men or women - as long as they knew they were not losing out and their partner was not going to leave them.

    You have probably been brought up to believe that when someone loves someone they stop thinking about other people or having sex with other people but that simply is not true.

    Your bf might look at less porn if you acted out some of his fantasies - why not pretend he is a pizza delivery boy or a plumber who has come to fix your boiler etc etc?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭Count Duckula


    I think, broadly speaking OP, you need to learn to deal with it. If it bothers you that much then ask him to be more discreet about it.

    Rightly or wrongly, men nowadays watch porn. The internet has made it so easy to obtain and conceal that they simply won't ignore it. It clearly bothers you that your boyfriend watches it, but he won't stop, and if you break up with him because you can't handle it you'll have a nasty surprise when every subsequent man you are with also watches porn.

    As much as you claim that the porn is replacing you (he's fantasising about other women) he could claim that the toy is replacing him (you're getting physical stimulation and orgasms from it). Now, I'm sure you can say that the toy is providing something different to sex with him, but as a man his brain is wired to think that physical stimulation is the most important thing about sex - and so something that does it better than him is going to replace him. He finds it much harder to separate the pleasure of the toy and the intimacy of sex.

    In the same way, you're struggling to separate the images of a woman with the desire to have sex with her (and thus not with you). A man's brain is wired differently; he's not fantasizing about that woman in particular, he's merely enjoying the sight of a sexual encounter. It's firing off all the appropriate parts of his brain which will lead to the result he wants - the orgasm. As far as I am aware, women tend to spin out their mastubatory sessions. They enjoy the feeling and the build-up, will tease things out and enjoy the whole thing until finally they get their orgasm. A man wants to have his orgasm as soon as he possibly can, and he doesn't give two ****s about the build-up. Porn just speeds that along by getting everything revved up in the first place.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    HugoDrax wrote: »
    Your bf might look at less porn if you acted out some of his fantasies - why not pretend he is a pizza delivery boy or a plumber who has come to fix your boiler etc etc?

    I've been sitting on the fence with this one a bit. Porn doesn't bother me that much, unless it became obsessive. But this comment sums up my biggest concern with it - that it would lead your partner to think some of the stuff he sees in porn films is par for the course and would make him expect it. Which could get tiresome after a while.

    Porn stars make their living out of doing this sort of stuff and other, more adventurous stuff.

    Apart from that, if porn viewing bothers one party to the relationship a great deal, then its probably best to desist, for the good of the relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 915 ✭✭✭Bloody Nipples


    Distorted wrote: »
    Apart from that, if porn viewing bothers one party to the relationship a great deal, then its probably best to desist, for the good of the relationship.

    Where do you draw the line though? Do you stop doing anything that bothers the other person? At a certain point you have to stand up for your principles. Porn isn't cheating, it's just an aid for sexual stimulation. As a guy, I can safely say I don't fantasize about being there having sex with a porn star and I'm not sure how many women understand how guys compartmentalise their sexual desires.

    The arguement has been made about using a vibrator. I watch porn but sex with my gf is infinitely better and she knows I'd rather sleep with her than have a lonely fap in my room. Put the boot on the other foot and when it comes down to the sexual act, a vibrator is more satisfying than most men ever could be. I for one accept I don't have the stamina of two AA batteries. All I can supply is the post-coitus intimacy which a lot of women value more than sex.
    But it still makes us feel that little bit inadequate. So to the OP I'd say, you could suggest compromise, you ditch the vibrator if he stops using porn.


  • Registered Users Posts: 28,378 ✭✭✭✭murpho999


    OP......I think you have to displace your dislike of porn against your partners like for it.

    After all, everyone is different and has different tastes, and relationships should always be based on compromises and not ultimatums.

    If you hated football and your partner liked it a lot, would you tell him to stop watching it? Of course not.

    You have to realise that us men are wired completely differently to how ladies are.
    In general, men would have a desire/need to orgasm more than women would, now I doubt you can be around or have an inclination to 'help out' every time so he is going to masturbate.

    Use of porn is just a visual stimulation to bring him to orgasm. Men are aroused much more by visual imagery than women.
    When he's looking at porn he is just using it to get aroused or live out a fantasy and that's as far as it goes.
    I doubt he is thinking the ladies in the films are more attractive than you. Nor will he want in reality to partake in the situations he is watching. It's just a tool to bring him to orgasm like your vibrator is.

    I also do not believe that whilst you use your vibrator that your thoughts have never wandered to some other man in your life or a famous attractive person, I'm sure you fantasise sometimes and that is the same is what your partner is doing whist watching porn.

    As for your future I think you need to compromise.

    Argue all you like about porn being degrading to women, but do you think a man really cares about that whilst being aroused?

    You will need to accept that this is part of your man's life that he enjoys in his private time and it is not a threat to you or your relationship, and is more a release for him that is almost immediately forgotten about when finished.
    He is not going to stop and will resort to doing it secretly if you pressure him and I don't see how that can be beneficial.

    Hope you can work it out and move on together, really don't think that this should be a relationship breaker.
    Being unfaithful with a real person or being dishonest is more serious in my opinion that watching porn.
    May I suggest that maybe you bring porn into your sex lives and watch it sometimes together? May seem dispicable to you now but it can actually arouse couples together, lead to nice love making and maybe relax your attitudes to porn?

    Hope this helps, and good luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    How do I try and resolve this?

    You made your feelings on the issue very clear. The topic has come up before. He knew where you stand. He disregarded that for whatever reason. You could give him another chance, or you make ckear that you will walk from the relationship.
    he seems determined not to stop his porn habit and I don't think I can stay with him when I know he's continuing to do something that upsets me so much when I've asked him to stop.

    I am glad you used the word habit, because that it all it is. It's not a requirement, or a need, it's a want. Not all men are into it contrary to popular opinion.

    Just like anything you 'want for the fun of it' in a relationship both parties get to make an input, so disregard anyone who claims you have no right to have an opinion on this matter. It's a habit that your boyfriend can choose to break if he wants keep that in your mind when you are weighing things up.
    Am I not enough???

    Don't question yourself, or doubt yourself, or blame yourself. This is something he has to face one way or the other.




  • OP I do not think as you say in the title that this is anything to do with "fairness", but more a failure in communication and understanding - mostly on his part from the sounds of it but we all have our failures in these things. One point I would make for example is that very little about watching porn is imagining being with the people in it, but more about imagining being in the situations in it, often with the person you are currently going out with. For others it is nothing to do with the people in it, but the acts of sex in it stimulating the same things in our own brains.

    I say it is not anything to do with fairness, it is more to do with each of us and the kind of people we are. Relationships are about finding people we are compatible with. It is no more or less unfair of him to demand you let him watch it then it is for you to demand he does not. This is just the people you both are, and you might not be compatible on this point.

    If porn is something you and he cannot be moved on, then it is a point where you simply are not compatible. As with any incompatibility in any relationship it is up to each of you to first decide if either of you can change… but if not then to decide if it is a deal breaker for the relationship... or are compromises possible.

    What a compromise could be is wholly up to you but there may be a lot more than you think if you explore the issue together with him, rather than he or you giving the other ultimatums. Some examples to get you thinking:

    Some people simply turn a blind eye to it and say “Have your porn but keep it away from me I want to know nothing about it”. Other compromises are that you only watch it together. This works for some couples I have experience with.

    I also have experience with people where the girl, like you, had trouble with the way girls were treated in porn, and the solution we found was that she would find and purchase the kind of porn she was ok with and that was what he would look at. I could, for example, recommend some porn sites made entirely by women, with only women in it, no men near the directing, production, camera (in front or behind it) or anything else. Very tasteful, very much respecting the women in it, and still no less sexy for it. In the couples I worked with even the girl who first hated porn came to enjoy some of this. It was almost porn made by women, about women... in some cases for women.

    Another common one, which I did myself for reasons of fun rather than because anyone had a problem with porn.... is that you make your own porn together as a couple. From many obvious reasons this involves trust… but many people enjoy it. They film each other alone, or together, and this becomes their porn. I myself have entirely lost interest in any other porn and am quite happy with the few movies, and photo galleries, I have.

    Whatever the result… this is a conversation you can have with each other in an adult fashion, without accusation and especially without either making demands. Simply lay out how you both feel. Explore with him what he gets from porn too. Ask him, rather than just make assumptions. See if you can then use that information to understand what kind of compromise might be achievable.

    Important is to realize that a conflict like this will not be resolved by either side making demands of the other, or accusations. You need to work towards a change in one of you, or a compromise between you, or simply admit you may not be compatible on this issue and it is a “show stopper”.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    seenitall wrote: »
    I'll make it short and to the point:

    end the relationship now, because whichever way you cut it here, someone is going to end up feeling short-changed at best, or, via the highways and by-ways of resentment, like an evasive siht at worst, so it isn't fair on either of you.

    Aim to find a religious or at least a conservative-leaning guy for yourself in the future, I think there will be more of a compatibility fit for you with one of those (although I may be very naive about that! :D).

    Best wishes.


    I'm not in any way religious and neither is my fiance and because of our problems with the industry porn forms no part of our relationship.

    OP, it would bug me big time if I'd explained my problem to a partner and he took no notice. Maybe he's not as interested in the relationship as he is in porn and you need to cut your losses.


  • Registered Users Posts: 24,134 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    OP, just a word of warning: take away a man's porn and you force him to move from masturbating over sexually arousing images to masturbating using his imagination.

    His imagination isn't going to just throw up sexual images of you when he's masturbating: it'll be every woman he's ever had a fun time with sexually, acquaintances (maybe even friends of his, or yours) that he finds sexually attractive.

    Generally speaking, to the male mind, porn is just sexually exciting images that help them get off, our imaginations will conjure up the fantasies of other women that you dread so much.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 526 ✭✭✭7Sins


    I imagine the women are still all required to have fake bodies and the "ending" still takes place on various parts of their bodies.

    These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it?
    Alot of the women in porn aren't very good looking at all. He might not even use it as material to satisfy himself over but more as a random source of gratification during his day. I've been working on my laptop tonight for a few hours and I probably glanced at some porn for a few seconds here and there....means nothing but if you looked at my history tonight, you'd be like :O

    I think it's safe to say that if he wasn't satisfied with your body then he wouldn't be with you. As a guy though, I will admit that I would sometimes feel a little insecure compared to a vibrator...but then I just remind myself how awesome I'am in bed and that helps :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    7sins, this forum is for offering posters civil and constructive advice.

    If you haven’t already, take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

    Many thanks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    What does Jesuitical mean here please? I did look it up but I still don't get it. Sorry

    you are not going to find any man on the face of the earth for whom you can be the sole, solitary, and only source of sexual fantasy.

    I have to thank you for this. I'm actually like that. I can't think of anyone else when I'm in love. Given that I'll never meet anyone like myself, I now know I should just finally give up entirely on ever finding love. Thanks.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    Op, here's another way of looking at it: porn is like fast food. It's quick, immediate and saves him having to make dinner for himself when you're not home (in this case, use his imagination). Just cause he likes a dirty curry and a beer on a wednesday night, doesn't mean he thinks less of your wonderful cooking and exquisitely prepared meals. Given the choice he'd take your sunday roast over the curry. But if it's a toss up between a takeaway and the cold beans on toast he'd cobble together for himself then'll he'll get the curry for convenience's sake ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm a woman and I masturbate to porn without the use of a vibrator (Sorry mods if this is too graphic).. Not the really nasty stuff of course but I do find some of it quite sexy. I don't fancy the men or women in the scenes but there's something about the action which gets me into the mood and helps me relieve the tension more easily.

    What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're not enough. Sex with an actual person is better than masturbation but there are different ways out there to help people get there by themselves. Men work on a more visual level than us ladies so the sight of unclothed naked ladies on the screen will work for him.

    You use your vibrator. Your boyf watches porn. Different methods. Same result.

    I think you're being too harsh on him to be honest. You are both using artificial methods to get off and you are being unfair in expecting him to get rid of his crutch while you keep yours.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.

    For me, that's the strangest bit of your post. He's probably not imagining having sex with them at all. He's simply turned on by the images and using them to "scratch an itch" so to speak.

    Why is it ok for you to relieve yourself in whatever manner you wish, and it's not ok for your boyfriend to do so as he pleases? I think you sound really controlling and you should look at that before you're on here with another username: GotDumped. Just my 2c.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 34,939 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    I don't see how it's that hard to grasp that a person could fantasize about all manner of different people. Why does it have to be reduced to a pointless 'replacement' notion?

    Do people honestly always fantasize about the same person or the same physique, colour, age, size of person? What's the point in a fantasy if it's always the same thing?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I don't see how it's that hard to grasp that a person could fantasize about all manner of different people. Why does it have to be reduced to a pointless 'replacement' notion?

    Do people honestly always fantasize about the same person or the same physique, colour, age, size of person? What's the point in a fantasy if it's always the same thing?

    It seems like most people have said that he's not fantasizing about these women. You seem to be saying he is, and there's nothing wrong with it.

    It's confusing.


    I'd also like to second what she_pornfan said. I have used porn and when I do I'm not fantasizing about the people in it. It is simply witnessing the act involved that titillates, not any fantasy about being in that situation with another person. If there is any fantasizing going on in my case, I am always fantasizing about my partner.

    So OP, maybe you could talk to him about your concern about feeling replaced, and if he is not the type to actually fantasize about being with the women he's watching, maybe you can find some reassurance from that and then possibly accept this part of his sexuality. That's how I see it, anyway, just another part of sexuality.


This discussion has been closed.
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