Bullying, has it affected you now as an adult?

Anonymous for this post wrote: »

Yes, I was bullied, yes it affected me.

I don't do well with criticism. I either back into a corner hoping no-one will notice me if I've messed up or if it's with the group of friends I've had for the past 17 years I'll slag myself off, with a level of self deprecation that they wouldn't go near.
Fortunately, they know the background, and make sure that if there is slagging that it stays at a level where we are all taking lumps out of each other!!

I was 16 when the bullying started, I was a successful student, successful at sports, and hung around with the 'trendy' crowd, that bunch of people in your school that everyone likes, not too nerdy but smart, not too (robbing an americanism here) 'Jock' but good at sports, the group that while they were not the centre of attention, cos the hardcore rockers might be beating 7 shades out of the hardcore ravers, but the group that both rockers and ravers chatted to on friendly terms. Going into 3rd year a new lad had come to the school and joined in with our group. For whatever reason he took a dislike to me and started what i can only describe as a campaign to turn my friends against me, friends who i had known for 7 years at that stage. In 5th year it came to a stage where i was totally ostracised by the entire 60+ people in my year. My so called best friend called me to his house one day to tell me that if he wanted to keep his friendship with the rest of the group that we hung around with (6 lads) that i couldn't be his friend anymore. This was in November of 5th year.

I ended up repeating 5th year (I joke with the lads I'm friendly with now that i instigated the 4th year program in our old school) and got in with a group of lads who I have been friendly with since then. Was best man/groomsman at their weddings etc.

But I have to say that what i went through still affects me today. I'm single, find it incredibly difficult to trust people, and in an environment outside my comfort zone you'll find me propping up a wall in the farthest corner from the bright lights and centres of attention.

I did get revenge of a kind though.

As the years have gone by and I changed from a school going kid to a professional worker bee to a worker bee supervisor to a management type bee I never forgave or forgot that core group group of people who turned me into a social pariah.
So imagine my delight a number of years ago when we were interviewing people for positions at work when one of them turned up. The look on their face when they realised it was me was priceless to say the least. Recently I came across another one one night when i was out for a few pints. He started telling me how hard he was finding it on the dole etc. Really enjoyed telling him about my new car. Karma is a bitch, but I love her!

Anonymous for this post wrote:

I'll freely admit that i was suicidal. It didn't help that i kept it all in, and didn't tell anyone. My parents just thought i was going through a hard time with school, as in the actual learning bit. I was doing 7 honours subjects, so when i stopped going out on a weekend night or even during the weekend days i blamed the schoolwork, and locked myself away in my bedroom. The fact that my schoolwork was suffering and a reasonably smart kid dropped from B average to scraping D's seemed to back this up. I turned from a normal teenager with all the usual teenager tantrums and angst, mixed in with all the usual teenager sunshine and success on the athletics track, to a chap who had a dirty great big black thundercloud following him around, and no interest in anything. I gave up the running, gave up anything that I had been good at.

My time consisted of getting up in the morning, pretending that i was a normal kid going out to school for another day, walk there alone, with classmates totally ignoring me, and other students in the school doing the point and giggle thing that kids are so cruel at but so good at. Coming home in the evening would mean more of the same. After school I'd go up to my room where I would lie on my bed staring at the ceiling, sometimes having a bit of a cry. I'd come down for dinner, have the usual over dinner conversations, all the while putting a face on, help with the clean up then go up to my room to do homework and study. At about 10:30/11:00 each night my parents would go to bed, then i went down stairs to watch Star Trek which was on Sky One at 11 pm in those days. Weekends were helping Dad and Mam out around the house as opposed to going out.

Eventually after 6 months of this I snapped. I can't remember how or why it came about, but I DO remember taking a swing at my Dad and my older brother laying me out flat on my back. I then went to take the two of them on in a physical full on fight. At one stage my Dad actually had his hands on my throat similar to Homer Simpson before he realised what he was doing.... and burst out crying. That set me off. I just broke down and (feck it I have tears in my eyes here tying this!! ) all i can remember saying is I have no friends, I have no friends over and over again.

My parents felt very guilty that they hadn't noticed what had happened, and why 6 people had stopped calling to the door regularly. Mam was on the parents association of the school and pulled strings about the repeating 5th year thing, the School Counsellor got involved and got the teachers to stop bollocking me out of it in class, and suddenly i realised that despite all the psychological bullying that 60 people had put me through i was still there, and by jesus i wasn't gonna let them beat me. April and May went by in a blur as I decided i was actually gonna study properly and get a good college place and get the hell out of my ****hole of a town and become a success and rub everyones noses in it.

Before the Leaving started for the class ahead of us I was called down to the school and 'Offered' (by which it was strongly suggested that i take the chance) of repeating 5th year. I took it. Ended up with a decent Leaving cert which has resulted 17 years later in a good job, with my own house.... in my ****hole of a town. And i deliberately bought here because the lads who i got friendly with at the second swing of 5th year, have all bought around the area.

Would I change anything? Yes and no.
No, because I'm happy enough with who i am today, and my experiences over a period of 2 1/2 years of my life, while horrible, have helped mould the person typing this out.
Yes, because I wish i had spoken out sooner, maybe I'd find it easier to trust people now. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that i'll never marry or have kids, even though i'd love to, purely because any relationship i get into gets hijacked by a fear of being rejected again by people i choose to be part of my life, so after at most 2 years (my longest relationship to date) I get itchy feet and get my rejection in first.

All i can suggest to anyone who is being bullied is to say it to someone. It's a horrible thing to have happen to you, you don't deserve it, but trying to carry the weight of something like that on relatively young shoulders is hard.......and if you tell someone it doesn't have to be.

I am a regular poster on the site, as is one of the core group of people who perpetrated the psychological bullying, that's why I'm posting anonymously. Even today, 17/18 years later I don't want those people to know how badly they hurt me.

Don't feel as if you have to go through it alone. Being bullied is nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm well aware of the irony of me typing that line straight after typing the one above it!!

Whatever else you take from my meandering memories of something that I keep buried, take this, being bullied, being suicidal, being totally depressed can be helped by uttering one little 4 letter word.. Help.

Kimia wrote: »

Great to see another thread on bullying in here from a guy's perspective. I'm sorry that it happened to you guys, it really sucks. It can affect you for the rest of your life and I detest when people say 'get over it' or 'ignore them'. Very very difficult to do.

You are all very brave for admitting it. And yes 'admitting' isn't the best word to use but I always felt so ashamed for being bullied that I never wanted to acknowledge it - because if I did that meant another little part of me died from the humiliation. It made it all the more real so I down played it. Still do in real life.

I don't understand it to this day how someone gets joy or satisfaction from making another person feel bad. It's shame - that's the feeling - and in my opinion the worst part of bullying. Imagine, being 'ashamed' of yourself for no reason but some fúcker told you you should be. That you are worthless and ugly and weak etc. How dare they think they can treat people like that. I don't understand where their sense of entitlement comes from - how can you do that to someone.

I have gone the other way - like a lot of you said. I hate feeling taken advantage of so I probably am a bit pushier than I should be. I fear having no friends but push my friends away at the same time, lest they see the real me and reject me (because of the feeling of shame that I still have about myself).

I can't stand banter unless I'm 100% comfortable with someone and I'm extremely in tune with people's moods. I can sense if someone is enjoying the banter just a little too much and I hate it - I don't think it's funny and I always jump in if I sense that someone is feeling uncomfortable with the spotlight of shame shining on them. Not that I'm perfect or this white knight character - it's just an automatic thing because it makes me just as uncomfortable to witness someone's humiliation, no matter how small.

I am thinking seriously about setting up a support group where I live (not in Ireland). I think it would do people good to get together and blurt it all out - to get rid of that feeling of worthlessness and shame about the treatment that they endured. I'd also place an emphasis on moving past it too and turning it into something positive so that it means something, that the past happened for a reason rather than because of the fúcked up nature of some strange children who enjoyed making others feel bad about themselves.

Chin up lads - don't let the fúckers keep you down. And fair play for telling the stories - better out than in as they say!