Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1254255257259260327

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 923 ✭✭✭Salvation Tambourine


    deandean wrote: »
    To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

    We'll just have to plough on...


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,598 ✭✭✭rizzodun


    Nokotan wrote: »
    We'll just have to plough on...

    Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...


  • Registered Users Posts: 205 ✭✭michael.dublin


    There was man who had a terrible passion for eating baked beans, but always got an embarrassing lively reaction. One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. He figured he could walk off any ill affects. So all the way home he 'putt to the right and putted to the left'. His wife met him at the door excited. "Darling, I have the most wonderful dinner surprise for you!" She blindfolded him, and sat at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. Feeling another fart coming on, luckily the phone rang and his wife left the room to answer the phone. Seizing the moment, he not only lets out a loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg fart. He had a hard time breathing, so he grabbed napkin and fanned the air. Unfortunately another urge came on, and 'rrriiiipppp!'. Sounded like a diesel engine at high revs, and smelled even worse. Gagging, he tried fanning his arms, hoping the rotten smell would dissipate. He heard the phone goodbyes, so he neatly folded his napkin on his lap and he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked back in. Sorry for being so long dear, she asked “Did you peeked at the dinner”. Assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    A Cheese roll walks into a pub and orders a pint.

    Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

    Who's the second coolest guy? The hip replacement bloke.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ?

    The Tyranno sore ass.


  • Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭Banta


    rizzodun wrote: »
    Seriously lads, we need to bury these gardening puns, I'm having trouble weeding out the proper jokes here, keep it up and I'll grass ye up to the mods...

    I dunno, these puns are sort of growing on me. I had one earlier and I thought to myself, "Thistle do!" but as I began typing I reaslied, "Nah, that pun's a load of horse manure". I thought there was a rake load of puns we haven't used yet, but we're probably edging towards the end of them now, as people are probably get sickle of them at this point with the shear amount of them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.










    I think I've been date raped!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    I woke up this morning with a piece of dried fruit stuck up my arse.










    I think I've been date raped!

    https://41.media.tumblr.com/1dec98628d32af8d9c0b4aa3faf0c8e1/tumblr_mwqkjnFGuH1s02atbo4_500.png

    You were pissed and you dont remember a thing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
    He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
    To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 278 ✭✭Dard23


    Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
    Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
    " OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "


  • Posts: 0 Vance Cold Dollar


    Two zombies were walking through the woods one day when they came across a fresh dead body. The big zombie told the smaller one "you start at the feet and I will start at the head and we will eat our way towards each other." The little zombie agreed and they began to eat

    About 30 minutes in the little zombie looked up and said "Man this is great. I'm having a ball!" To which the big zombie said "slow down your eating too fast."


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,346 ✭✭✭King George VI


    Not sure if it's been posted here but:

    What do you call a midget fortune teller that's escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Alcohol free larger.

    Like licking your sisters fanny.





    Tastes the same, just doesn't feel right!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    There's rumours Apple will announce they are bringing out a new product to help dairy farmers

    That's what iHerd


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Russian computer. ENTER PASSWORD

    ME 'Beef Stew.'

    Computer. Password not Stroganoff.


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Mary texts her husband Paddy on a cold winter's morning.....
    ''Windows frozen''
    Paddy texts reply: ....
    ''Pour some lukewarm water on it and wipe it dry''

    A few minutes later Mary texts him back..









    ''Computer totally fcuked now''


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Dard23 wrote: »
    Guy driving along a road is distracted for a second by a hot girl walking on the sidewalk and when he looks forward he sees the car in front is braking. He slams the brakes himself but to no avail and ends up rear ending the car in front!
    Nothing happens for a second until the door from the car in front opens and out jumps a dwarf with a red face and a scowl. He stamps back to the guy in the car behind who sheepishly let's down his window. The dwarf leers at the guy then at the back of his car and back to the guy again. With menace in his voice the dwarf says " I am not happy! "
    " OK the guy replies calmly, so which one are you? "

    I once knew a girl who told me she was hot,I threw a pail of water over her,she wasn't very happy with me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 923 ✭✭✭Salvation Tambourine


    Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

    At the wholesalers!


  • Registered Users Posts: 923 ✭✭✭Salvation Tambourine


    Where do the makers of Polos get most of their stock...

    At the wholesalers!


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 2,708 ✭✭✭Curly Judge


    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

    Lynn Lavner



    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

    Camille Paglia



    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

    Sharon Stone



    "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

    Tiger Woods



    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

    Jack Nicholson



    " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

    Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)



    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

    Robin Williams



    "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

    Robert De Niro



    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

    Dustin Hoffman



    "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

    Jerry Seinfeld



    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

    Robin Williams



    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

    ��Joan Rivers



    Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

    Steve Martin



    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

    Elmo Phillips



    " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

    Oscar Wilde



    " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

    George Burns


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,087 ✭✭✭dinneenp


    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
    ...because he's married


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    A Tallaght girl was driving down the M50 when her car phone rang.
    It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Tracy,I just heard on
    the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M50.
    Please be careful!"

    "It's not just one car!" said the Tallaght girl, "There's hundreds of
    them!"


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 17,422 ✭✭✭✭Conor Bourke


    I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

    "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

    "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 256 ✭✭wilhelm roentgen


    dinneenp wrote: »
    Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
    ...because he's married

    Stevie Wonder got a Cheese Grater for his birthday present.


    He said it was the best book he's ever read!


  • Registered Users Posts: 278 ✭✭Dard23


    Stevie Wonder got a Cheese Grater for his birthday present.

    He said it was the best book he's ever read!


    The version I heard was funnier, he said it was the goriest book he ever read.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,648 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato
    Restaurant at the End of the Universe


    One day he met the girl of his dreams and they fell in love. He thought to himself "She'll never marry me so he gave up the baked beans he loved”. A few months later, his car broke down, called the wife and told her he would be late as he had to walk home.

    well maybe he should have divorced her and married the girl of his dreams, his wife sounds like a wagon :p

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

    Camille Paglia

    I believe that was the late comedian George Burns, and he might have actually road-tested that :)

    " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

    Oscar Wilde

    The man was a genius :pac:

    It took a while but I don't mind. How does my body look in this light?



  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To see his flat mate.


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is.
    Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

    Max Bygraves


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement