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The Funny Side of Religion

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,534 ✭✭✭Soul Winner


    Zillah wrote: »
    Well yes I understood your intention, just not the message.


    On topic:

    ae432adfd898c0d2ebbe9a98ce46320d.jpg

    Why it's Chuck Norris??? :eek:


    Anyway some of the following are in relation to religion so I've decided, feck it I'll post them all up. Enjoy :D

    Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again
    asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
    adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are the winners:

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
    yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
    meanings for common words. And the winners are:

    1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

    6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

    8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

    11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

    12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism 's.

    15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    Excellent stuff!

    Love this:
    15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,534 ✭✭✭Soul Winner


    8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    I love this one :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,534 ✭✭✭Soul Winner


    A man is walking along a cliff one day when suddenly he slips and falls off, as he falls he grabs hold of a branch sticking out of the cliff face. He hangs there for little while shocked and in great distress. He screams up to the sky: "If there is anyone up there that can deliver me from this awful situation, please please I beg you help me" Just then he hears a voice come out of the blue: "This is God, if you want me to help you then you must let go of the branch" After the initial surprise at hearing the strange voice the man shouts up to the sky again: "Is there anyone else up there who can help me???" :D


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 23,556 ✭✭✭✭Sir Digby Chicken Caesar


    Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

    1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers

    2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole

    3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry

    4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

    5. *There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

    6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.

    7. *God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.

    8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?

    9. He's Dead.
    It's Been 2,000 years.
    He's Not Coming Back.
    Get OVER It Already!

    10. *All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.

    11. Viva La Evolución!

    12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season

    13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist

    14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.

    15. *People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs

    16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.

    17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!

    18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!

    19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK

    20. *God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus

    21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.

    22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!

    23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
    A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.

    24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing

    25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

    26. *Science: It Works, Bitches.

    27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987

    28. I Found God Between The Sheets

    29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent

    30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel

    31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten

    32. *If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?

    33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia

    34. *ALL Americans Are African Americans

    35. *I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

    36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God

    37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative

    38. *If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?

    39. *JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself

    40. *How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?

    41. *Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
    A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.

    42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex

    43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.

    44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.

    45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children

    46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War

    47. *Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony

    48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?

    49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
    Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.

    50. No Gods. No Mullets.


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    Thanks for the laugh Mordeth! Some crackers there...

    "Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry".

    What's with the new username?!


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 23,556 ✭✭✭✭Sir Digby Chicken Caesar


    I don't have any pigtails for asok to pull so all he can do is change my nick.

    bastard.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,406 ✭✭✭Pompey Magnus


    I found the following piece in an account of the conflicting resurrection stories in the New Testament by Richard Carrier, he tries to give a modern day comparison to the supposed eye witness accounts for Jesus being raised from the dead and I found it pretty damn funny:

    A police officer arrives at the scene of a bank robbery and finds an empty vault, and four employees, Mary, Mindy, Sandy, and Martha. He separates them and asks each privately what happened. Mary says they all went to get some money and found the vault empty, but there was a man inside in a white suit who said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" and then they all ran to call the police. Mindy, however, says they actually went inside the vault and found it empty and they were all perplexed by that, when suddenly two men in white suits appeared inside the vault with them, seemingly out of nowhere, and said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" and then they all ran to call the police. The police officer thinks there is certainly some confusion here, but the stories at least agree in outline.

    So he goes next to Sandy. She says she alone went inside and found the vault empty and was perplexed by that, so she went and told some male colleagues, and they both returned with her and confirmed the vault was empty and they were perplexed by that, and while the men left to call the police, Sandy stood outside. Then she looked in and saw two men in clown suits inside who asked her "What did you expect!?" and, startled by that, Sandy spun around and then saw some stranger behind her, whom she assumed was the janitor. So she asked this "janitor" where the money was and he said "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!" This story does not jibe with the others at all, so he knows by now that he's not getting the whole truth.

    Exasperated by all these conflicting stories, the officer then asks the fourth witness, Martha. She says they all went to the vault, but then a robot with a jet pack descended from the sky, paralyzed two United States marines who were guarding the vault, then single-handedly pulled open the vault, revealing that it was already empty, and then this flying robot sat on top of the vault door and said to all of them, "Don't worry! We took it for a good cause!"

    Now be honest. Whose story would you consider true? Would you really try to invent some wild hypothesis to reconcile all four stories? Or would you just arrive at the obvious conclusion that Martha is full of sh*t?


    By the way:
    Mary = The Gospel of Mark
    Mindy = The Gospel of Luke
    Sandy = The Gospel of John
    Martha = The Gospel of Matthew


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,686 ✭✭✭✭PDN


    A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    The guy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,686 ✭✭✭✭PDN


    I'm sitting in a lounge at JFK reading Christopher Hitchens' review of Memoirs of an Anti-Semite by Gregor von Rezzori in The Atlantic magazine.

    Not often I appreciate Hitchens, but he shares the following joke:

    A sour old joke from prewar Germany has two elderly Jews sitting in a Berlin park, with one of them reading a Yiddish paper and the other one scanning the pages of Der Stürmer. The latter Jew is laughing. This proves too much for the former Jew, who says: 'It’s not enough you read that Nazi rag, but you find it funny?' 'Look,' replies the other. 'If I read your paper, what do I see? Jews deported, Jews assaulted, Jews insulted, Jewish property confiscated. But I read Der Stürmer, and there’s finally some good news. It seems that we Jews own and control the whole world!'"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke




  • Registered Users Posts: 5,406 ✭✭✭Pompey Magnus




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,377 ✭✭✭An Fear Aniar


    I thought this was kinda funny...

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/sepultura/2282088722/



    .


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    (Above post moved to religious humour thread - not really an A&A "issue") :)

    Absolutely brilliant though - I want one!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,534 ✭✭✭Soul Winner


    A Rabbi, a Priest and a Mullah walk into a bar and the bar man says: “Is this some kind of joke?”


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,283 ✭✭✭✭Scofflaw


    The Atheist Apocalypse.

    cordially,
    Scofflaw


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,406 ✭✭✭Pompey Magnus


    Kiss Hank's Ass:

    This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

    John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

    Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

    John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the **** out of you."

    Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

    John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

    Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

    Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

    Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

    John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

    Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

    Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

    John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

    Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

    Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the **** out of you."

    Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

    John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

    Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

    John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

    Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

    Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

    Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

    John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

    Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

    John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the **** out of you."

    Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

    Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

    Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

    John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

    Me: "Who's Karl?"

    Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

    Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

    John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

    From the Desk of Karl

    1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2. Use alcohol in moderation.
    3. Kick the **** out of people who aren't like you.
    4. Eat right.
    5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
    6. The moon is made of green cheese.
    7. Everything Hank says is right.
    8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9. Don't use alcohol.
    10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the **** out of you.

    Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

    Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

    Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

    John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

    Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

    Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

    Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they're different?"

    Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

    Me: "How do you figure that?"

    Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

    Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

    John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

    Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

    John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

    Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

    Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

    Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

    John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

    Me: "We do?"

    Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

    Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

    John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

    Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

    Mary: She blushes.

    John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

    Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

    John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

    Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

    Mary: She looks positively stricken.

    John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

    Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

    Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

    John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

    Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

    Mary: She faints.

    John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

    With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,377 ✭✭✭An Fear Aniar




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,435 ✭✭✭iUseVi


    Ok, not directly religious, but you can interpret it that way if you want.

    http://xkcd.com/240/


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,257 ✭✭✭hairyheretic


    http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

    The entire bible .. in LolCatspeak

    Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

    1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

    2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

    3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.

    4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.

    5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,435 ✭✭✭iUseVi


    you've probably all seen this before, its a bit old, oh well:
    FROM: Vanetil P. Godsbane; Director, EAC Societal Subversion Department
    TO: All Conspirators
    RE: Update on EAC activities as of January 2001

    Fellow atheists,

    I am pleased to report that the 2000 fiscal year was our most successful yet. Not only has atheism taken tremendous strides all over the world, we are still in complete control of all media (including television, newspapers, radio and the Internet), all corporations, and all governments. Our latest fleet of mind-control satellites, employing the new high-frequency wave emitters that can penetrate tinfoil hats, is now in orbit and fully operational; our black-helicopter-riding paratrooper armies are ready to strike on command; and all our false puppet churches continue to make inroads in luring True Christians away from the flock. (If we have to go to Hell when we die just because we hate God and can't stand the thought of submitting to his judgment, then damn it, we're taking as many people with us as we can!) Our icy cold, multi-tentacled grip is rapidly tightening around the entire Earth, preparing for the time of the Rapture, when all True Christians will be whisked away into Heaven, leaving absolutely nothing between us and our goal of complete world domination!! Best of all, those God-believing theistic fools still don't have any idea that we control everything!!! Muahahahaha!!!!

    In other news, I'd like to announce that Judy down in Marketing is expecting her baby within two weeks. I'm asking everyone to wish her well (but be careful not to pray - your official EAC Employees' Handbook is very clear on the penalty for that, as you all know). Remember, everyone, it's the little people like her that keep this whole organization running smoothly.

    Now then, it is with pleasure that I bring you a summary of EAC activities throughout the past year. Be sure to congratulate our operatives in the field, who met or exceeded key goals in the following areas:

    1. The EAC Department of Televangelism had a banner year, raking in millions of dollars' worth of donations from gullible believers and thus safely diverting it from being wasted on food for the hungry, cures for disease and other nauseatingly good causes. The cash they bring in, which makes up a large percentage of the EAC's operating budget, was used to launch three new mind-control satellites and complete work on the holy-symbol-seeking cruise missiles, as well as pay the salaries of our hardworking torturers counselors in the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination, who managed to "deconvert" several thousand fundamentalists in the last three months alone. And that's just with the donations from widows and orphans alone! Keep up the great work, guys!

    (Some of our newer members may be shocked to hear that the televangelists are all our agents. Don't be. Have you ever watched one of those broadcasts and seen the ridiculously opulent splendor their studios are set up in, even though they claim to follow a book that advocates poverty? Haven't you heard about the way they indulge their every vice with money cheated out of hard-working, honest believers? You don't really think True Christians could be such hypocrites, do you? It takes atheists to reach such depths of depravity!)

    2. The EAC Department of Time Travel, Temporal Restructuring Division, put in a lot of overtime with our new time machines to reshape history as our dastardly wills see fit. High praise goes out to all of them for all the work they did in the years following Noah's Flood to clean up the geological evidence, scrub the high-water marks off the pyramids and sort all the fossils back into their "proper" order. Thanks to you guys, the Department of Evolutionism is looking to experience some smashing successes in debates. Those creationists won't be able to stand against all our overwhelming "evidence" anymore! (On a regrettable side note: I'm not naming names, but one of you stepped on a trilobite during the Cambrian and left a footprint behind. You know who you are, and I hope you'll properly regret your mistake after the EAC Department of Forcible Indoctrination gets through with you.)

    Also, guys, I admire your initiative in going back to Jesus' time and posing as the "Pharisees" in an attempt to stifle him. I really do. But when you couldn't shut him up, why'd you have to go the extra mile and get him crucified?? Please read the Old Testament prophecies more carefully before you do something like that again!

    3. The EAC Department of False Puppet Churches, Jehovah's Witness Division, had a solid year, as always. By going door-to-door at the most inconvenient hours and annoying people by bombarding them with unwanted preaching, they helped to foster that festering dislike of religion so vital to our plans. And the pamphlets they give out? You might think they could sway people towards Christianity, but embedded in the text are hypnotic brainwashing patterns from the EAC Department of Mind Control!! Muahahahaha!!!

    4. The EAC Department of Bible Revision has done some great work, almost seamlessly inserting new passages containing all-new atrocities, contradictions and absurdities into the latest edition of Scripture. (Of course, the fact that we control all the world's printing presses might have something to do with that, huh? [Image] ) Particular works of note include Jesus' irrational and bizarre cursing of the fig tree, some terrific new erotic poetry in Song of Solomon, and an entirely new chapter in Genesis that contains a creation story in a totally different order from the original! Keep up the good work, guys, and soon we may be able to drive the last few True Christians toward atheism. After all, as I know you're fond of saying down there, how could a book so riddled with errors and inconsistencies possibly be from God?

    5. The EAC Department of Vote-Rigging turned in a stellar performance during the 2000 American presidential election. As you all know, installing George W. Bush in the office is our most devious plan yet! While he seems in every respect to be a True Christian, in reality he's doing exactly as we command him to do. Our crafty "faith-based initiatives" plan will soon be in full swing, giving taxpayer money to churches to subsidize their preaching and other religious activities. Make no mistake, after a few egregious violations are discovered, strict laws and auditing procedures will be enacted to ensure no more money is misspent, thereby entangling church and state in an inextricable mess. Soon, churches will be overwhelmed with paperwork and bureaucracy and subsumed into the government entirely! And as we all know, when church merges with state, the citizenry rapidly loses interest in it. Just look at the results of the similar plan we've already carried out in Sweden, where attendance in the state-sponsored church is plummeting through the floor. Soon America, one of the few last bastions of fundamentalism in the world, will be ours!

    6. And last but not least, I'd like to toot my own department's horn a bit. The EAC Societal Subversion Department has done some amazing work in the American Bible Belt, managing to drive divorce rates there over 50% above the national average! I have to admit it wasn't easy, since True Christians are ordinarily almost invulnerable to the moral decay we've managed to insert into every other sector of society. Left to their own devices, they never beat their spouses, commit adultery or abandon their children. However, our operatives, posing as preachers, cunningly persuaded young people to fear and despise their own sexuality and jump into marriages they weren't ready for without any support or counseling, thereby ensuring our success. Unfortunately, theists in the community have noticed these results, if not realized the cause, and are calling for more church and more preaching to reverse it. Our actions will be scaled up accordingly to combat this worrisome trend.

    Well, that about wraps up my report for this month. In closing, I'd like to extend my own special congratulations to our operatives in the so-called "ACLU," who have managed yet again to fight off the efforts to merge church and state. Way to go, guys! If left to their own devices, the fundamentalist Christians would establish a theocracy where the breaking of Biblical laws was punishable by death, and where would we be then?

    Oh, yes - and for those of you who asked, the airlifting of our headquarters from Redmond to Babylon is almost complete. Soon the EAC Department of Mad Scientists will have the subcutaneous identification/tracking/commerce chips ready, bringing our top-secret Project Phoenix into its final stages.

    Until next time, fellow conspirators, keep up the good work, and remember: Coranon silaria, ozoo mahoke.

    -V.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,377 ✭✭✭An Fear Aniar




  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    ^^ what's that all about?! ^^


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,377 ✭✭✭An Fear Aniar


    Dades wrote: »
    ^^ what's that all about?! ^^

    Well, it's the Onion so I'm guessing they're having a joke about teh Creationists.


    .


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    Ahh - didn't see the onion bit!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,454 ✭✭✭bogwalrus


    some funny stuff:

    click on the Nativity.


  • Registered Users Posts: 30,746 ✭✭✭✭Galvasean




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,435 ✭✭✭iUseVi




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,825 ✭✭✭Gambler


    I just came accross a video in youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ogeGBxhpEk ) and I thought that it just had to be a scam\joke..

    Turns out it was just a scam! http://www.spiritualh2o.com/


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,553 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    GAMBLER'S POST MOVED TO RELIGIOUS HUMOUR.
    Thx.

    (Post before this one, that is...)


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