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Maths jokes!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 16,100 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    Yore ma is so stupid she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm

    Shouldn't she have used the Espresso heuristic logic minimizer? :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,620 ✭✭✭Grudaire


    Right:

    e^x is walking down a dark alley, and a differentiable operator jumps out, The operator say's "I'm going to integrate you untill you're 0". e^x say's "Ha, I'm e^x, you can't do anything to me"...

    The differentiable operator says: "Oh yea? I'm d/dy"


  • Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭professorpete


    aurthurg wrote: »
    An exponential walks into a bar. He pulls up a bar stool sits down and asks the bar man for a pint.

    Over in the corner theres a large group of functions, sines, cosines logs all sitting around having a laugh telling jokes and sharing stories.

    The bar man comes over and asks the exponential why he's all alone and not over having fun with the other functions.

    The exponential answers in a low voice, "I tried to integrate but nothing happened"

    Along the same lines:

    bunch of functions sitting in a bar, minding their own business, when a differential operator bursts in; everyone dives for cover, except "e to the x" who sits unfazed at the bar; an air of "you can't harm me" about him..

    "aha" says the differential operator, "but I differentaite with respect to y!!"

    ZAPP!!

    I'm such a geek, help!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭professorpete


    Cliste wrote: »
    Right:

    e^x is walking down a dark alley, and a differentiable operator jumps out, The operator say's "I'm going to integrate you untill you're 0". e^x say's "Ha, I'm e^x, you can't do anything to me"...

    The differentiable operator says: "Oh yea? I'm d/dy"

    Cliste you got it in just before me!!

    Better told too!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,620 ✭✭✭Grudaire


    Cliste you got it in just before me!!

    Better told too!!

    Ah it's how I heard it, it's good though!

    It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
    The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's!"


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 59 ✭✭peteballagh



    There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

    In fact, there are only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,595 ✭✭✭MathsManiac


    In fact, there are only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't

    Hmmm. Let's try to combine those jokes:

    There are 11 kinds of people in this world: those who can count almost correctly in binary, and everyone else.

    P'raps a bit obscure!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23 teaman35


    mathpuzzle.JPG

    (ok my first time tryin to attach something..)

    Its probably not a joke but ...
    This made me laugh anyway ! :eek:

    anyone want to expand on it:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,151 ✭✭✭Thomas_S_Hunterson


    teaman35 wrote: »
    mathpuzzle.JPG

    (ok my first time tryin to attach something..)

    Its probably not a joke but ...
    This made me laugh anyway ! :eek:

    anyone want to expand on it:D
    Take a look at post 21 in this very thread;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭Fredser


    What's the square root of 69?

    Eight an' a bit..


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,081 ✭✭✭LeixlipRed


    Cliste wrote: »
    Right:

    e^x is walking down a dark alley, and a differentiable operator jumps out, The operator say's "I'm going to integrate you untill you're 0". e^x say's "Ha, I'm e^x, you can't do anything to me"...

    The differentiable operator says: "Oh yea? I'm d/dy"

    Haha, only seen this now! Tis great :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 517 ✭✭✭lisbon_lions


    A frontiersman went into an Indian village to purchase a wife.
    The chief showed him three young women. The first was seated on a deer skin and could be purchased for the sum of five ponies. The second was seated on a buffalo skin and could also be purchased for five ponies. The third young woman was seated on a hippopotamus skin and could be purchased for ten ponies.
    "Why does this one cost so much more?" asked the man.
    "You know," replied chief Pythagoras, "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."

    :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,148 ✭✭✭✭KnifeWRENCH


    aurthurg wrote: »
    An exponential walks into a bar. He pulls up a bar stool sits down and asks the bar man for a pint.

    Over in the corner theres a large group of functions, sines, cosines logs all sitting around having a laugh telling jokes and sharing stories.

    The bar man comes over and asks the exponential why he's all alone and not over having fun with the other functions.

    The exponential answers in a low voice, "I tried to integrate but nothing happened"

    I LOVE that joke!!! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 204 ✭✭TheAlmightyZeus


    2505656136_7b2aca9221_o.jpg


    HAHAHAHAHA!


  • Registered Users Posts: 165 ✭✭moggins7


    Fredser wrote: »
    What's the square root of 69?

    Eight an' a bit..

    hehe i only got this now:D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭littlebsci


    2505656136_7b2aca9221_o.jpg


    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Laughed so hard at this it's wrong!!! :D
    Brilliant!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,361 ✭✭✭bythewoods


    Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

    Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 4,917 Mod ✭✭✭✭spacetweek


    What's the square root of 69?
    Eight an' a bit..


    hehe i only got this now:D:D:D
    I don't get it :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,806 ✭✭✭ Marcus Uptight Valley


    spacetweek wrote: »
    I don't get it

    Maybe you should get out more, try meet some new people, join a club perhaps.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,595 ✭✭✭MathsManiac


    spacetweek wrote: »
    I don't get it :confused:

    Well, truth be told, I'd say many of us don't, but we still like to dream about getting it.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,151 ✭✭✭Thomas_S_Hunterson


    Fredser wrote: »
    What's the square root of 69?

    Eight an' a bit..

    As in eatin' a bit???:o


  • Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 11,033 Mod ✭✭✭✭MarkR


    substitute.png


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭Civilian_Target


    what's the indefinite integral of 1 over (cabin) d (cabin)?
    A log cabin - ln(cabin) + c


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,588 ✭✭✭token56


    Not quiet a maths joke but anyway

    Archimedes, Pascal, and Newton are playing
    hide-and-seek.
    Archimedes covers his eyes and starts counting.
    Pascal looks around and hides behind a bush.
    Newton grabs a stick and scrapes a one meter by one
    meter square in the
    dirt and stands in it. Otherwise he does not hide
    at all.
    Archimedes opens his eyes and looks around. Of
    course, he immediately
    sees Newton and calls "I see Newton"
    Newton calmly says "But hang on, one Newton in a
    square meter is a Pascal!"


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 47,978 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    from the lead story on the herald AM:
    Some 22.5pc of those sitting maths did not make the grade, prompting leading business group Ibec to warn the falling figures were a disturbing trend and a sign the Government's education policies were making little impact.
    of 8,510 candidates who sat the honours paper in the core subject, 4.5pc failed compared to 3.8pc last year, while the numbers failing the ordinary level rose to 12.3pc, up from 11.5pc last year. Of the 5,803 pupils who opted to sit the foundation level, 5.7pc failed.
    how apt.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37 GUNMONEY


    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician



    He worked it out with a pencil :D:D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 65 ✭✭Piano man


    y = x2 + 3x + 20 walked into a bar and asked the barman for a pint.
    'I'm sorry,' said the barman. 'We don't serve functions.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭figs


    Aledgedly another great leaving cert answer...

    Sin x / n = ?
    Six


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,190 ✭✭✭Silenceisbliss


    Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
    A. To get to the other - er...


    Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
    A. That's the Law of Spline Demand.


    Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
    A: Nice belt!



    Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
    A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, the philosopher only needs paper and pencil too. But pencils with out erasers are cheaper.



    Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
    A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...


    An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting.
    The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
    The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK."
    The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
    The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"
    "Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."


    Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
    All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
    The pure mathematician: "It's one."
    The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
    The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"


    A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time. Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake.
    When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."



    Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
    A: An algae-bra.



    One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
    A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"
    Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."


    "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."


    A French mathematician's pick up line: "Voulez vous Cauchy avec moi?"


    A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
    The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
    The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
    The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."



    "What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
    "She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
    "I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
    "Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."


    Two math professors are sitting in a pub.
    "Isn't it disgusting", the first one complains, "how little the general public knows about mathematics?"
    "Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."
    "I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the washroom now."
    He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over.
    "When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x to the third over three. Can you do that?"
    "Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three, x to the third over three..."
    When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic. I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine."
    He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?"
    She replies: "x to the third over three."
    The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."



    Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
    Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.


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