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When do you listen to the child??

  • 12-03-2012 4:21pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Just wondering how long you let a situation continue before you listen to your child, and make the changes they want?

    Briefly, I've a 9yr old who has been minded by a neighbour (registered childminder, but not working in a creche anymore - only minds my child). There are 2 kids there, and a new baby.

    I knew all during the minders pregnancy, that once the baby came along things would be difficult for my little fella. He regularly says that they (the minder and her husband) spend their days shouting at their own kids. I always ask if they say anything to him, and he says they never shout at him, just at their own kids. It's normal day-to-day stuff that goes on in most houses - put your coat on, no, not THAT coat, this coat...go out to play, come in for your dinner and so on. But the hubby is out of work and so is at home all day - so while they wouldn't really be 'arguing', my son sees this as adults shouting and he hates it.

    I regularly tell him to just get on with it - that normal mams & dads do this every day (there's just me and him in our house) and overall, he is well looked after at their house. And the fact that they never shout at him means he's doing nothing wrong.

    Anyway...last week things seem to have gotten worse for him and every evening he is begging me to find him somewhere else to go after school.:(. I know the minder is under stress with the new baby, and with the hubby out of work..but I also know that my lad isn't happy there at all these days...

    So do I go and look for an alternative (which might be difficult) that he might also hate in a few months...or what do I do??

    I obviously want my son to be happy and my gut is telling me to find an alternative for him. But what if that is an even worse set-up for him??? He is going into 5th class this year though and i'm also aware that he won't need a minder in another few years...

    Any advice very much appreciated from ye, thanks alot.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,064 ✭✭✭Gurgle


    It doesn't sound like a good environment, and you have to look after your own.
    Find somewhere else.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,952 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I think you need to listen to him and work out if he is genuinely unhappy or there is somewhere else that he wants to go.
    I am a great believer in listening to kids and taking what they say in to account from when they are old enough to have an opinion.
    I think it is going to be very hard on you breaking it to the childminder though especially with her husband out of work and her new baby.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Thanks.

    He is minded in our own estate, and spends his days (after homework and food) outside playing. If I put him into an afterschool 'facility', he wouldn't have that.

    There is also the issue that this woman is my neighbour - it's a long life, and I don't want to fall out with her over this. She is just getting on with her daily life and while she's looking after him, she doesn't realise the shouting is having the effect it's having on him.

    He said to me last week 'Mam, even though they don't shout at ME, I get a pain in my belly when I hear it....':(

    I grew up in a bit of a madhouse - with ALOT of shouting - and I know exactly what he meant...it broke my heart.

    I have to fix this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Moonbeam wrote: »
    I think it is going to be very hard on you breaking it to the childminder though especially with her husband out of work and her new baby.

    Thanks Moonbeam.

    I can't possibly tell her that I know her and the hubby spend their days shouting.

    How would you approach this with her?

    There is an after school facility close to me, but they don't collect from his school. It's a fraction of the cost that I pay her...I was thinking of sayihng I can't afford her anymore, and figuring out a way to get him dropped to that afterschool, and blaming the change on the cost?

    I know it's a big lie - but I hate confrontation.


  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ Mikaela Whispering Femur


    That does sound like a difficult situation to be in Fittle and I don't know how you would broach the subject with the neighbour. But if my child was unhappy going somewhere day in day out, then definitely I would have to do something about it. You know yourself if your own child is just the type to say he doesn't want to go somewhere just for the sake of it, but by the tone of your post I doubt this is the case, and I think your son is genuinely unhappy.

    I hate when kids are shouted at constantly :(


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle



    I hate when kids are shouted at constantly :(

    It's also one of my pet-hates. I hold my hands up and say I do shout at my lad - particularly when he decides he wants to put his converse runners on 30seconds before we leave for school!! - but without meaning to give out about her or the hubby, they tend to spend their day shouting at the two kids - they have quite loud voices anyway, but there's alot of shouting 'eat your dinner' and so on..and of course, now there's alot of 'shhhh, you'll wake the baby!'.

    My lad has been complaining about it for a while - but fool that I am, I listened but certainly didn't think it was having the affect on him that it is now having.

    He rang me straight after school asking if there was ANYONE else in Ireland who might be able to mind him today:(:(


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,398 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Fittle wrote: »
    Thanks Moonbeam.

    I can't possibly tell her that I know her and the hubby spend their days shouting.

    How would you approach this with her?

    There is an after school facility close to me, but they don't collect from his school. It's a fraction of the cost that I pay her...I was thinking of sayihng I can't afford her anymore, and figuring out a way to get him dropped to that afterschool, and blaming the change on the cost?

    I know it's a big lie - but I hate confrontation.

    Depending on how much she needs the money, she could prefer to hear how to keep your child in her care rather than worry that you know she's shouting. Especially with a young baby, i think every parent is aware they can be a little short but i know I'd prefer to be given the chance to fix the situation rather than just having a source of income taken away.

    This is all complete speculation though, and she could be fine financially, but just how I saw it


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    RedXIV wrote: »

    This is all complete speculation though, and she could be fine financially, but just how I saw it

    She needs the money.

    I don't think me having a chat with her will change the whole dynamic of her home life though, do you?

    I know how hard it is with new babies - and I gave her the option (many times) of me finding an alternative for him for a few months until she got settled - but she was having none of it! She took him back when the baby was 2wks old - but even before the baby was born, he was complaining about the constant shouting in the house.


  • Registered Users Posts: 446 ✭✭Scarlet42


    you have to take him out .. its not fair on him to go thru that everyday. We had to move our two out of a creche a few years back ..it was a home run creche and my wife and I just weren't happy.

    it was a very difficult few weeks but it was so worth it all in the end.

    Don't know if its a good idea saying about the money .. she may bring the price down.

    you could tell her he has been pestering you to send him to the other place because some of his schoolfriends go to it and he just won't let it go!

    Sean


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,398 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Fittle wrote: »
    She needs the money.

    I don't think me having a chat with her will change the whole dynamic of her home life though, do you?

    I know how hard it is with new babies - and I gave her the option (many times) of me finding an alternative for him for a few months until she got settled - but she was having none of it! She took him back when the baby was 2wks old - but even before the baby was born, he was complaining about the constant shouting in the house.

    You know her best of anyone. :)

    If you approach her and it doesn't get fixed, will she think you see her as a "failure" for not being able to adapt to your child's needs? Your son sounds like he wants out, no matter what, if you genuinely don't think the situation will improve, just take him out and say he's started on sports or something. It sucks but better than making him wait for another trial period, having her worry extra about the potential loss of income and you worrying about relations with your neighbours


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,659 ✭✭✭CrazyRabbit


    I think it's only fair to bring this to the attention of the childminder and give them the option to change things. If she can't or doesn't want to, then you have no choice other than to make different arrangements.

    It's obviously upsetting your son enough for him to bring it to you repeatedly. If you don't take action, you will lose the trust of your son and he will stop coming to you when something is bothering him. That's the real danger here.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,952 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I don't think she can change things if that is them and the way they behave.
    She is probably wrecked tired and thata is causing the stress and shouting.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭RubyGirl


    OP, will he be going there for easter, summer holiday's etc. If so I would look into finding him someone else to mind him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    Well, I collected a very unhappy kid yesterday - he is normally a happy enough boy, so I knew there was something wrong. He says it was just more of the same, mam & dad shouting at kids, and then shouting at each other and so on. He spent a good part of the day outside playing, but saw heard enough of the shouting for it to bother him again.

    I went down to have a chat with her - I was as diplomatic as I could be and opened the conversation by saying I'm sure she must be very stressed etc. She admitted that herself & himself have been roaring at each other more than often and that she was always conscious that they don't shout at my lad etc.

    Anyway, to cut a very long story very short, she said she would try not to shout when he's in the house - I told her that's wasn't what I was asking for and that I knew it was not manageable in the most perfect households, and that I wasn't being over-protective etc. We chatted for a good while.

    I'm not sure what to do now though. He won't be there for easter or summer as I usually manage those breaks with camps and other people and annual leave...but I think my gut is still that I should look for a different environment for him for september (I've broken it down into more manageable timeframes for him - now till easter, easter till june b/h and so on).

    Who'd be a parent!


  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ Mikaela Whispering Femur


    Well done for talking to her. I can't imagine it was easy. Hopefully it might make her take a good look at her own family life and the affect all this shouting is having on her own children. Maybe it will change now that it's been brought to her attention. She might have been stuck in a rut and just needed her eyes opened for her.

    Maybe see how he gets on now til Easter but I would be telling him that you are totally on his side and if it doesn't get better you'll take the next step. No harm either in gently and subtly pointing out the negatives of moving to him either, just from the point of view that he might put a block up now that he dislikes it and be unable to see the change for himself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,166 ✭✭✭carolinespring


    I am glad you had a chat with your minder but it does not sound like a good place for him anyway. June is a long way off.

    Has he anyone of his own age in the childminders? Does she do arts and crafts, baking with him? What about the husband getting out and kicking a ball around with him?

    What really hit me was how low your son felt to ring you to ask if anyone else in Ireland could mind him. That made me feel so sad for you lad. We only have one childhood and it should be a happy one, life is not perfect but him to be that unhappy will have a lasting effect.

    I would be looking at not sending him back after easter. I am a major fan of Childminders but that sounds not like a happy house and the fact that the childminder needs the money really is not your issue.

    I don't want to come across as hard but childhood is short and is the building blocks for out future so I would be pulling without delay.

    Wishing you all the best with what ever you decide/


  • Registered Users Posts: 446 ✭✭Scarlet42


    Caroline is right, it's his childhood and he should be enjoying it and not dreading or worrying about stuff like that.

    Fair play to you for discussing it with her

    Sean


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,423 ✭✭✭Morag


    This is the 3rd thread I think you've started re the childminder, if I remember correctly.
    The previous issued being home work not being done and you not being happy with what he's being fed and how much he'd being fed there.

    Your not happy with the service she is providing, your son is not happy being there.
    Get a new child minder, start looking today.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,775 ✭✭✭Fittle


    I find your tone quite aggressive Sharrow - yes, I have issues with her, but I thought that's what this site was about - asking for advice on parenting as issues arise.

    Not everyone is happy with their childminding situation 100% of the time.

    I asked for advice and I got it, so thanks for the positive input from those who aren't having as bad a day as you obviously are.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,423 ✭✭✭Morag


    Nope not aggressive, you are reading things which are not there.
    and I am having a really good day, thanks.

    Making a change to child care arrangements can be hard and it's not easy to start looking and searching, it's not an easy thing to do, but there is no harm in looking to see what your options are, for your son's sake. It can be helpful to have a backup plan.

    That is all I was trying to encourage you to do.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    I agree with Sharrow tbh Fittle, you've posted about the childminder before saying you'd issues with the way she looked after your child (homework and feeding), I'd have started looking for somewhere else when the second issue arose.

    It's very obvious your son is not happy there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,659 ✭✭✭CrazyRabbit


    Sharrow was just pointing out a trend, which is quite fair in this case.

    It's actually a good sign that Sharrow read & remembered your previous threads. Most wouldn't care enough to remember.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,166 ✭✭✭carolinespring


    Hi Fittle,

    Just wondering if you have any updates for us? Did you start looking for a new childminder or decide to wait it out.

    I really hope it all works out and that both you and your son will be happy.

    Caroline


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