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Girlfriend wants me to have sex with her friend

  • 15-11-2007 6:54pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Firstly this is not a troll.

    Myself and my GF have been together for 6 years. We have a 2 houses, rent one out and live in the other with her friend. Myself and my GF are 28 and her friend is 25. My GF and her friend have known each other since they were about ten.

    Basically for about 2 years or so my GF's sex drive has pretty much gone on holidays and not come back. I've got through this for the first year by jacking off to my extensive collection of porn. A year ago her friend moved up from another city. I have met her a few times and got on well with her.

    My GF is very slim and toned where as her friend is busty. Anyway i started to notice that when i was jacking off i was starting to fantasise about her friend. Her friend doesnt wear a whole lot around the house either. We were all out about a month ago and we got a taxi home, I as usual had a massive beer horn knowing that it wasnt going to go down for a while so i said i'd stay up and watch some TV rather than pester my GF for sex (i have drunkenly begged, very sad i know) The friend said she stay up and have some wine. She asked could she use my laptop to check her bebo so i said go ahead, She went to put on some music, went into "my documents" found a rake load of porn. Most of it had girls with similar bodies to her (The laptop faces me so i couldnt see the screen) Anyway she asks me this "do you like my tits?" Laughlingly i said "yeah course i do" She made a remark which made me run over to the laptop to see she was having a good look though my porn.

    Feeling really embarrased i stood there beer in my hand she told me not to worry as she thought i would be weird if i didnt look at porn. That relaxed the atmosphere back down.
    We got chatting and she said my GF had told her that we havent had sex in nearly 2 years and how my GF has no desire at all. My GF's friend was saying its been nearly a year since she had sex and she really needs to be "serviced". We got into some pretty dirty conversation but i decided retreat was the best thing to do so i went to bed.

    I was pretty weirded out after that but pretty turned on by what she had told me during our conversation (one of the things is that she uses her vibrator quite a lot even when myself and my GF are in the house, lets just say that made me stant to attention!) A few days after that my GF was off playing tennis and it was just myself and the friend, she said she was going to bed about 8pm a few mins later i sent her a cheeky txt saying "i know what your really doing" She replied back saying "why dont you come up and find out..." So i went upstairs to her room opened the door and she was lying naked apart from a bra with her dildo. Gobsmacked and turned on are undestatements. Anyway i stood there getting a bulge in my trousers and she said " look just f88k me s******(my GF) says that its ok because she's not giving it to you" She even showed me the txt from my GF dated for about a week and a half before we went out on that night a few days before.

    My c88k took over and i went for it, we spent about 2 hours going at it. My GF came home and in bed that night she told me that the friend had said we slept together and that she is fine with it aslong as it doesnt happen while she is in the house. Frankly i am a bit weirded out. She's basically giving with cate blance to go and screw her friend and beleive me her friend is eager to cash the cheque as even when my GF goes to the shop the friend wants it. I admit its good to actually be having again but i can't help but feel very weird about it.

    The reasons my GF says its ok is that
    1)she loves me & I love her
    2)She says she knows I would never leave her (but what if i develop feelings for the friend).
    3)This way she knows i'm not going off shagging random people
    4) She doesnt know how long she doesnt want sex for and its not fair on me, shagging the friend is my "reward" for being so patient.

    Since this I've had sex with the friend about 10 times and as i said above its good to get some action. We have sex i go downstairs or for a shower or whatever and she'll come down later and have a cup of tea and we'll watch tv or something. She has initiated all of these encounters.

    I know this is odd but tbh i'm pretty confused, I dont want to stay with my GF if she never wants to have sex (I have suggest she see a counsellor but she refuses) She's also not getting it anywhere else.

    Any advice?


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 21,191 ✭✭✭✭Latchy


    Any advice?

    Eh ...no


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭muboop1


    if she was to turn around now and say u can no-longer shag my friend...
    would you be angry?
    ok?
    would you stay with ur gf regardless of if u had nobody providing for you?
    if the ans to any of these is no... then you need a big convo with her...
    would you be ok if she done it with your mate? as in will she expect the same treatment in future?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.
    Read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
    Have a nice day
    Thaedydal.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    I think for the sake of your girlfriend you need to STOP this immediately. Instead of finding your hole elsewhere you should be proactively trying to work through the problems your girlfriend has with intimacy between the two of you. Has she given reasons to why she doesn't want sex?

    But no matter what your GF says to you, she could not possibly be completely happy with the fact that you're shagging her friend. If she is, then there is no future between the two of you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,547 ✭✭✭Slutmonkey57b


    On topic: You lucky git.
    Even more on topic: The only one who can really decide whether this is a problem is your GF. You should probably tell her that the prospect of no sex with her probably means the two of you will split up. Either way she's opened up a potentially big can of worms for herself.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 21,191 ✭✭✭✭Latchy


    Ok ,excuse my previous cynical post but why do i get the impression the person is trolling when reading some of these posts in personnel ? .OP says he is not and OK, fair enough and good luck to you ,but you cant help but somtimes think this is just another erotic (and nice btw ) fantasy of sombodys , imo :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,173 ✭✭✭lolli


    You have to put a stop to this now, it will the ruination of your relationship. You will fall for her or she will fall for you. Either way this will ruin your relationship with your girlfriend.

    Theres no point in sleeping with her friend when you love your girlfriend. You and your girlfriend need to sit down and work out whats wrong.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Situations like that which your GF is suggesting can work. However they aren't just 50% more complicated because there's 50% more people, but 400% more people because there's 400% times as many relationships (you and your GF, you and your GF's friend, your GF and her friend, and how the three of you are when you are all together).

    From what it says above it sounds like it might possibly work as far as you and your GF's friend go, and for your GF and her friend, but not for you and your GF because whatever else goes on, you aren't getting what you want from your gf.

    And in the meantime, this will act as a distraction from all three of you.

    If you and your GF where in a good place (whether she became more like what you need, or you became happier with what she is) then something like this - if you still saw a need for it - could work (I know of poly groups who've been happy together for decades), but otherwise it's just going to make what's bad already worse.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    are you sure your GF ok with it ? or is she shocked and gone into an emotional spasm where shes seeing how far you take it and when you get your senses back and stop.
    I assume you and your gf are very serious since you have houses together,
    i feel youve really messed and crippled your relationship, your friends GF will have to move out.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    the problems your girlfriend has with intimacy between the two of you. Has she given reasons to why she doesn't want sex?

    theres no magic panacea for curing a low sex drive. there may be so many physical and emotional issues that cause it. its not like you just apply an ointment and magically you want to shag like a rabbit all night.

    you can either live with it, or you can make alternative arrangements, or you can get another girlfriend.

    the alternative arrangements at the moment sound good to me :)
    but as suggested, its what happens afterwards. id be interested in hearing what the OPS emotions, and the other players emotional relationships are like in a months time.
    to be honest, if i was in your situation, and i was given the option, id have to go with completely random annonymous sex rather than with someone known.
    if its for a purely phycisal reason, and i can understand that, then make it about the physcial aspect. there is simply no need to involve someone whom you already have an emotional connection to.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    there is simply no need to involve someone whom you already have an emotional connection to.

    Agreed. How are you going to act when all three of you sit down to watch telly? Sit there between the two or you and your girlfriend snuggled up on one side of the room with the friend out in the cold? It's just not going to work in my opinion. At least one person, if not all three of you, will end up getting hurt.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,021 ✭✭✭m83


    Heineken don't do personal issues but if they did they'd probably be the best personal issues in the world :)

    but seriously... this has to stop immediately before you develop an emotional attachment for eachother. It's never just sex you know.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ck66


    to be honest you need to stop what your doing. imo your girlfriend has her reasons for loosing her sex drive whether for medical or psychological reasons. you should be there to support her and talk things through but definintely not go off shgging her friend. your girlfriend obviously feels bad about it saying that she doesnt ming you sleeping with her friend but im sure its crushing her inside.

    i went through something similar a few years back and to be honest i would of nearly gone as far to say the same to my boyfriend, that i didnt mind him sleeping with someone else because i felt so bad for him. but it would have killed me inside. she obviously loves you and wants to keep you happy but seriusly you need to show her some respect. my boyfriend and myself got through it and were still together over 7 years and engaged.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,225 ✭✭✭Chardee MacDennis


    ck66 wrote: »
    imo your girlfriend has her reasons for loosing her sex drive whether for medical or psychological reasons. you should be there to support her and talk things through but definintely not go off shgging her friend.

    in fairness it has been two years and anything that hasn't been dealt with at this stage probably wont be in the future. It's not as if it's been 2 months or a year.

    On the other hand if this ends well I would be very surprised.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,766 ✭✭✭Reku


    Personally I think having a F***-buddy while you're in a relationship can never end well, as it can be hard to keep emotions entirely out of it when you have a F-buddy. What if your girlfriend gets her sex drive back, suddenly the friend is alone and it'll be hard for her not to follow habit and come to you when
    she really needs to be "serviced"
    , will your girlfriend be so understanding about it then (especially if you don't seem to be as energetic and enthusiastic as she remembers, and nostalgia may make her think you were better than you actually were here to really work against you)?
    What if the friend actually gets pregnant, since abstinance is the only 100% sure method?
    As others have said what if you start to have emotions for the friend, women tend to consider emotional affairs far worse than sexual affairs in all the surveys I've seen.



    Your girlfriend gave you the go-ahead which leaves me thinking the following possibilities:
    1. She's just that sexually open minded... (unlikely IMO), has she ever suggested anything really kinky or a threesome?
    2. She doesn't think that she'll ever feel like having sex again anyway.
    3. She doesn't find you attractive anymore and is perhaps falling out of love with you so she doesn't care.
    4. Maybe she's gone off men and switched to women?

    Sorry for suggesting these last two since they are rather horrid possibilities:

    5. Perhaps she's not having sex with you because there is someone else she is/was having it with? Letting you have sex with her friend may just be a way of helping her feel less guilty about it.
    6. With so much property between you perhaps she's being really manipulative in setting you up as the bad guy in a break up so she can get more of the property.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    If I was you, I'd be very seriously questioning why your girlfriend appears to be OK with all this. No woman lets another woman near her man. Unless that is, she doesn't consider that man to be hers anymore, because she's found another man. She might be easing a guilty conscience here by letting you get some.

    My assumption is a big leap to make, but I'd be nearly willing to bet that I'm not far wrong.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    farohar wrote: »
    Personally I think having a F***-buddy while you're in a relationship can never end well, as it can be hard to keep emotions entirely out of it when you have a F-buddy. What if your girlfriend gets her sex drive back, suddenly the friend is alone and it'll be hard for her not to follow habit and come to you when , will your girlfriend be so understanding about it then (especially if you don't seem to be as energetic and enthusiastic as she remembers, and nostalgia may make her think you were better than you actually were here to really work against you)?
    What if the friend actually gets pregnant, since abstinance is the only 100% sure method?
    As others have said what if you start to have emotions for the friend, women tend to consider emotional affairs far worse than sexual affairs in all the surveys I've seen.



    Your girlfriend gave you the go-ahead which leaves me thinking the following possibilities:
    1. She's just that sexually open minded... (unlikely IMO), has she ever suggested anything really kinky or a threesome?
    2. She doesn't think that she'll ever feel like having sex again anyway.
    3. She doesn't find you attractive anymore and is perhaps falling out of love with you so she doesn't care.
    4. Maybe she's gone off men and switched to women?

    Sorry for suggesting these last two since they are rather horrid possibilities:

    5. Perhaps she's not having sex with you because there is someone else she is/was having it with? Letting you have sex with her friend may just be a way of helping her feel less guilty about it.
    6. With so much property between you perhaps she's being really manipulative in setting you up as the bad guy in a break up so she can get more of the property.

    Thanks for the advice, to answer some of your questions.
    1) She was always open minded and up until 2 years ago we had a very good sex life then it pretty much stopped.
    2) She has told me that she doesnt think she'll ever want to have sex again so thats why she says its ok for me and her friend to do what we are doing
    3) I'm in better shape now than i was when we started going out, though i've got a few grey hairs. I was also romantic and never took her for granted.
    4) Thats one thing she was never interested in was being with other girls. (though obviously she could have lied)
    5) I dont think shes having an affair because apart from the last month we would pretty much spend all our time together. She plays tennis one night a week but if she didnt go one night i would know. She goes back to her hometown about once a month for a weekend but most of the time i would be with her. The only other option would be for her to be seeing someone in work but she doesnt socialise with them so i dont think thats happening.
    6)We have 2 houses. 1 is my parents house which is in my name and which is rented. The house that we are living in is in both our names and we pay the mortage and bills equally.
    It may have increased in value by about 50k but not really a whole lot when its split in two.


    If my GF asked tomorrow to stop having sex with her friend i would as i have no feelings at all for her friend to be crude i use her and she uses me. But as was said above if my GF's friend was to leave i'd be back to having no sex at all and i am not sure i am prepared to be like that so i think we do need to talk.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 Im A Hotmail


    Dear Diary..

    JACKPOT!

    No but seriously, i'd be more interested in finding out why your girlfriend is so off about sex, is SHE seeing someone on the side?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Are you sure it's TENNIS every week?

    no sex ever again? EVER? Sounds like she's gone off you but likes the security of the situation so you can bang her friend. i think her friend might know more than you, maybe she might let you in on their conversations.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    No but seriously, i'd be more interested in finding out why your girlfriend is so off about sex, is SHE seeing someone on the side?

    I know OP may not want to hear this but there may be chance she is seeing someone from work or tennis club. They do not have to socialise outside work in evening for it to be happening.
    I have a friend who was married where wife went completly off sex.
    He did eventually start seeing someone for sex.
    Marriage collapsed, they tried to save it but they eventually split.

    He always thought it was he was to blame for marriage ending and having sex with other woman.
    But he got a very big surprise recently, when he discovered his ex had been having an affair with married work colleage for years. They were having the affair at the time there was no sex in the marriage, hence she was not interested in him in any way.

    I think the fact OP's partner seems quiet happy with the situation does raise alarm bells.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    OP: have you any reason why your g/friend has suddenly stopped wanting sex and more importantly why she never wants sex again. That to me seems to be the crucial issue here, not the fact she is going to allow you to sleep with her friend.

    Have you talked to her about this?


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    OP- Think back to the time when she started to lose interest in sex and try to remember if there was anything she did or said that may explain it. Is she suffering from depression?


  • Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭NextSteps


    The simplest explanation would be that she doesn't find you attractive, but doesn't want to be single. Splitting up is a big risk, especially if she's the sort of person who values security (the house, having a relationship), and maybe you have made plans for marriage/kids (somehow).

    She could still like you very much as a companion, but is it sustainable?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 406 ✭✭johnnysmurfman


    Any advice?

    Go to mass, thank God and tell him you love him and that you'll repay him for all of this someday.


  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭baztard


    Your girlfriend has a problem of some sort that she doesn't want to face up to. Its such a bad problem that she has been reduced to letting her friend sleep with her boyfriend to help cover it up.

    In other words, her problem is more humiliating to her, than the humiliation of having her friend sleep with her boyfriend.

    You have to sit her down and ask her whats wrong. Face up to the underlying problem. I also think the f-buddy knows more about whats going on with your girlfriend than you do. Go and ask her also.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Your girlfriend has a problem of some sort that she doesn't want to face up to. Its such a bad problem that she has been reduced to letting her friend sleep with her boyfriend to help cover it up.

    Agreed. I know this is out there but maybe she was raped or something equally terribly that put her off sex totally.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    johnnysmurfman Please post on topic and take the time to read the charter with regard to posting in this forum.

    dudara


  • Registered Users Posts: 81,129 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    Is that or is that not the best problem ever?!

    Sorry. I dont know the first person particulars so that may be insensitive. But at the same time; woof!

    Have you discovered whats wrong with your girlfriend's sex drive? 2 years is nothing to shake a battery powered toy at. She says she may never want to have sex again? Something happened.

    I wouldnt be quick to accuse her of cheating on you. In my third-person experience most affairs still involve sex with the 2 original partners (though less often). complete 2 year flatline doesnt sound like the same mold: if she was having some kind of secreted affair she would have come clean with it long before now. Dont rule it out; but Id be suspicious of a trauma first. Miscarriage? Rape?


  • Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    Could it be your girlfriend might want to join in?
    Invite her to.
    Might give her the jizz up she's looking for.

    Failing that I don't think this is a situation that can benefit the relationship at the core of this triangle i.e. you and your girlfriend. that said norms are most certainly there to be broken and as long as no one is harbouring any ill-will about it then go with it. I just find it difficult to believe there are not some underlying issues that need to be addressed. I hope these issues whatever they may be are not too traumatising.

    I know it seems tantalizing etc for you but what or rather who is more important to you in the long-term.

    A.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The stuff of fantasy. However, in the real world, this is just a bit weird and certainly looks like building a fault line in to your relationship with your GF.

    This arrangement also gives your GF the excuse she needs if she ever wants to get rid of you without explaining why. Why she has not done so before now depends on what is going on inside her head.

    It is very convenient that when she is playing tennis or whatever that she is probably 100% sure that her friend is "occupying" you at the relevant time and that there is no danger of you knowing where she is and what she is up to.

    Might be a good idea to follow your GF sometime to see if she is actually where she says that she is while her friend is engaging your attention. This won't work if she is somewhere private as her friend will just text her to warn her that you are off the leash. However, if she is supposed to be in a tennis club or the like that should be easy ground to check out.

    BTW is there any chance that your GF is playing an old game whereby you dump someone by shifting them on to someone else !!


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