Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

bf cancelled our date because his ex is coming over to talk

  • 15-07-2013 11:44pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    thanks for advice.


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    So, his ex, who he dumped right before seeing you, came over to his house, he cancelled on you to see her, and according to him, she still wants him.

    You'd be a fool if you trusted him that nothing happened.

    I don't have an issue with a boyfriend being friends with exes, but to cancel a date with his girlfriend to see a lady who apparently still wants him is completely out of line.


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    maria34 wrote: »
    he dumped her around the same time we met yes. i know im fool. dont know why he even told me.

    i told him to choose losing me or meeting his sick (well seriously sick) ex, then he chose her and said he understands if i tell him to get lost.

    he asked me many times during our conversation, what i will do decide before he met her. obviously to find out if i say no go feck off, then he will have another one on the go straight away.

    You should tell him to get lost . It's clear that he has some feelings for her if he's going to meet with her . He should be focused on you not her .


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    It's sad that she's sick, truly it is. I don't wish illness on anybody.

    But YOU should be his priority, not her.

    You gave him an ultimatum (not something I generally agree with, but hey ho), and he chose her. Her. Not you.

    He chose her. You know where his feelings lie.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I don't know. He could just lie you that he has to work. I don't know how serious sickness is but I hope I wouldn't just send somebody who is in serious trouble away because of a date with someone else. It sounds hard but sometimes we give priority to people who are not the closest to us if they need us more. Or he could be just playing with you. If you like him then you should have serious conversation with him in person about the situation. If you are not that fussed about him then spare yourself the drama.

    It's very hard to judge from what you wrote. For me it would very much depend on the seriousness of the illness. It's perfectly ok in my book to cancel date because of someone who has cancer but not because of some runny nose. I'm using extremes to make a point that it all depends on circumstances. In any case I'd ask him straight if he still has feelings for her. Just as a side note. People sometimes have nobody to turn to and maybe your bf is one of the few people she can talk to. There is too little info in your post to judge if he is being disrespectful to you or just decent towards another human being.

    Edit: I didn't see the subsequent posts. I still stand by my opinion.


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    maria34 wrote: »

    yes that illness is really really serious, not a runny nose.

    I dont mean this to sound harsh, but if that is the case I think you'd be extremely selfish and childish in holding this against him in any way.

    If anything I'd think far far worse of someone that would turn away a seriously ill person who showed up on their doorstep for support because they wanted to keep a date with me.

    Jesus... why would anyone want to be with someone that would contemplate doing something like that?


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    maria34 wrote: »
    yes my bf is somebody like this alright. he has told me many times how ppl have turned to him. once a lady who was beaten up by her husband rang him when we were together and at first he didnt take her call. he explained me who and what and i told him to talk to her as that woman was abused in her marriage.

    yes that illness is really really serious, not a runny nose.
    I wouldn't do anything hasty then. But I think that people who help everybody can be just as hard to be with as cheaters. There is always another worthwhile cause around the corner and it can be very lonely in relationship with someone who helps everybody.


  • Advertisement
  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ Lylah Tinkling Science


    If I was given an ultimatum by someone I was seeing for two months, to choose them over someone with a terminal illness who asked for my help, I would have absolutely no problem in choosing the latter as it would indicate to me what kind of a person they may be.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    If I was given an ultimatum by someone I was seeing for two months, to choose them over someone with a terminal illness who asked for my help, I would have absolutely no problem in choosing the latter as it would indicate to me what kind of a person they may be.

    Not to disagree with your point at all (because we all have differing opinions, of course :) ), but the poster never said anything about the lady's illness being terminal. She just said 'serious.'


  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ Lylah Tinkling Science


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    Not to disagree with your point at all (because we all have differing opinions, of course :) ), but the poster never said anything about the lady's illness being terminal. She just said 'serious.'

    She mentions she doesn't have long left.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    She mentions she doesn't have long left.

    My apologies, I obviously missed that. :o


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    You said "she won't last long" so im taking it to mean her illness is terminal. If so then of course he is going to meet her. What sort of person would he be if she called him for help and he turned her away so he could go on a date?


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ Lylah Tinkling Science


    You're going out with a guy eight weeks and have already asked him can ye take a break. That's madness. I'm sorry to say it OP but you sound quite high maintenance and if he is the type of person who helps a lot of people perhaps you are not suited to one and other and maybe someone who will devote all their attention to just you would make a better partner for you.

    Edit: apologies, I know I'm making a big assumption based on little info, it's just how it appears from your posts


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    That is why nuns make good charity workers. There si no family to neglect. I don't know how often your bf does this but the problem with those situations, if they happen too often, is that you can't even complain because you are "selfish bitch" then. It's a fine balance though because I wouldn't think much of somebody who would tell to a person that really needs them to call over in three days when there is opening in their calendar.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,238 ✭✭✭✭djimi


    The guy wants to meet up with a former girlfriend who is seriously, and possibly terminally, ill; Im sorry but I have no idea where your issue lies here? Its not exactly like he is lying and meeting up with an old flame behind your back; its a pretty exceptional circumstance. To be honest, if I was in his shoes and I thought my gf was denying such a request, it would be me who would be asking should the relationship continue.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    My 2c.

    You're going out two months, so you should not be his priority. You are in a special position, but the rest of his personal life does not stop just because he started going out with you.

    If a person calls and asks to talk about something serious, I think it's up to him to decide if he's going to talk to the person or not. For me, this would be okay whether or not the person was an old friend, an ex, a colleague or whomever. You talk every day and you're upset over this one time? I think you're too demanding.

    You then find out that this person is an ex who has (I assume) cancer, and you're still upset with your boyfriend.

    He did tell you the truth, presumably because he had nothing to hide and did nothing wrong. Yet you are still upset at him.

    You're not coming across in a very mature light.

    If you were already considering breaking up with him (contradicting the "seriousness" you assume your two month relationship should be), then maybe you should follow through with that and get off this guys case.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 2,691 ✭✭✭michellie


    Am I the only one who finds it strange that a girl with a terminal illness would be running around after a fella she was with for only a few weeks instead of spending time with her family or someone who didn't just dump her while she was sick ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    Just to offer another POV, my ex told me that his ex had a very serious illness to explain his continued contact with her as he knew no one could possibly have a problem with him supporting a girl who was very sick and needed help and support. The reality was that she wasn't sick, he was still seeing her and his lie covered any phone contact I may see.

    I'm not saying that your boyfriend is as sociopathic as my ex but just throwing it out there


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    maria34 wrote: »
    Yes michellie, thats my point too. We were friends with him before so i know it wasnt longer than that and he told me loads of stuff about their "relationship". She never ever had a bf before..

    So are the three of you all friends then? If she is a friend of yours, would you not know if she was sick?


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    .


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    maria34 wrote: »
    No no i dont know her and never met her.

    But you said "we were friends with him before so I know it wasn't longer".

    Who was friends with who? If she has been friends with him a long time and they also had a romantic relationship, I don't see the problem with him talking to her if she is sick.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Point is you can't judge him by what the ex does.

    But if you're not into it, and you don't sound like you are, then end it for the real reason.


  • Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    But you said "we were friends with him before so I know it wasn't longer".

    Who was friends with who? If she has been friends with him a long time and they also had a romantic relationship, I don't see the problem with him talking to her if she is sick.

    .


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    maria34 wrote: »
    No i was friends with him. She doesnt live even near us so no they were not friends, they started to date straight away without being friends.

    It seems very strange then. Some men like to play the hero role which he seems to be doing here. You have been dating him two months if you aren't happy with the situation finish now.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Maybe it ended amicably. I'm still friends with my ex and we catch up now and then. I've a couple of exs on facebook and I'm in limited contact but they would all have contacted me when I was diagnosed with a serious illness just seeing how I was.

    I happen to have good friends and family that I could turn to when I needed them. But some people don't. Anyway, it's just one meetup, one conversation. It's actually really difficult to open up to your family when you're ill, about your own worries and fears. Because they are also worried and afraid you tend to end up trying to reassure them. Maybe she just wants to meet up with someone who is a good listener but not overly invested in the situation. Someone she can be honest with and not have to hold back with.

    It might seem strange but I'd imagine that nobody can predict what they would do or who they would want to talk to until they are actually in that situation themselves.


Advertisement