The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL · 15-12-2014 11:57pm

My girlfriend is a pornstar .

She is going to be really mad when she finds out .

EoghanIRL · 15-12-2014 11:59pm

I got a new job circumcizing elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

EoghanIRL · 16-12-2014 12:07am

Man of Aran wrote: »

..... And growing up, you were considered indecisive, but nowadays you are not so sure about that?:D

I'll tell you how to procrastinate later .

alfa beta · 16-12-2014 1:02am

Went and saw my doctor for a check up the other day.

He said, 'You know what, you're really gonna have to stop masturbating.'

i was shocked. I was like, 'You serious, doc, why's that?'

'So I can examine you,' he said.

lazybones32 · 16-12-2014 1:14am

What do feminists use for contraception?

Their personality.

eisenberg1 · 16-12-2014 11:21am

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I got a new job circumcizing elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

And no drawbacks afterwards............

Bandara · 16-12-2014 12:21pm

This one is a classic imo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk

nootroc · 16-12-2014 12:50pm

Whats the biggest drawback on safari

An elephants foreskin

19-12-2014 9:36pm

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No,I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well,as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

deco nate · 19-12-2014 9:39pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A Russian couple were walking down the street in
Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his
nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his
wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No,I'm
sure it was just rain" he said.
Well,as these things go, they were about
to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or
snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking
toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask
Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the
official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he
replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt
like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows
rain,
dear."

Am I the only one sick and tired of these non funny jokes?!

19-12-2014 9:43pm

deco nate wrote: »

Am I the only one sick and tired of these non funny jokes?!

If you think that you can do better.

Go on!

deco nate · 19-12-2014 9:57pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If you think that you can do better.

Go on!

I love the fact my girlfriend is Jewish.

At first it was hard to get her to do anal, but then I showed her all the money we are saving on condoms.

Done!

fryup · 19-12-2014 11:19pm

from the movie Silkwood.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSoNSVKTvGw

donegal_man · 20-12-2014 3:33am

A few from the comic genius that was Gerald Wylie*

A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak english, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.

Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.

*Probably better known as Ronnie Barker

EoghanIRL · 20-12-2014 12:18pm

What do you do when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

rolliepoley · 20-12-2014 2:41pm

Two kids are playing football in Wythenshawe Park, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, i would like to write an article about what just happened.
He starts writing a headline "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says "I'm not a United fan".
He starts again "City fan saves friend from dog". Kid says "I'm not a City fan".
The journalist asks "Who do you support then", the kid answers "Liverpool".
The journalists starts again "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!

21-12-2014 2:59pm

A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in
Coffs Harbour, Australia.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper,
where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,
where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

ohmslaw · 21-12-2014 11:24pm

Where did that day go?

Ted_YNWA · 21-12-2014 11:27pm

Up the chimney like a cloud of smoke.

fr336 · 21-12-2014 11:38pm

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

EoghanIRL · 22-12-2014 9:58pm

A Joke About Kim Jong Un

[removed]

Nodster · 22-12-2014 10:06pm

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

rolliepoley · 24-12-2014 6:50pm

It was Miss Mary's first day out of teachers college, and to find out how clever her class of Year one's were, decided to give them a spelling test.
"I'd like everyone to tell me what they had for breakfast, then spell it for me".
Little Johnny waved his hand in the air frantically,but the sweet young teacher fresh from college had been warned by the Headmaster to watch out for this young lad as he was known to swear a bit.
Jane, sitting in the front row, "Miss,I had weetbix for breakfast w-e-e-t-b-i-x".
"That's very good", said Miss Mary, "now, Peter what about you".
"Well Miss, I had toast t-o-a-s-t-"
"Well done Peter". In the meantime Little Johnny's still trying to draw attention to himself.
"Alright Johnny, what did you have for breakfast".
Johnny replied "f**k all f-u-c-k-a-l-l ."

Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject.
"OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air.
Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in
"Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?"
"Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!

Mr Tibbs · 24-12-2014 10:56pm

A fellow was getting an Indian tattooed on the ful lenght of his back when he said to the tattooist. Could you put a tomahawk in his hand please, and the artist said hold on I'm just finishing his Turban

Smidge · 24-12-2014 11:16pm

Nodster wrote: »

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present. Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

Has the....
"Missus was looking for a new car for her Xmas present.
Got her a washing machine.
Can't wait to see her face when she takes it for a spin"...been done yet?

fryup · 25-12-2014 12:56am

rolliepoley wrote: »

Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject.
"OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air.
Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in
"Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?"
"Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!

please dissect, don't quite get it

25-12-2014 1:00am

fryup wrote: »

please dissect, don't quite get it

The lodger is from Afghanistan and is being "serviced" by the mother, she is flat out (on her back) to make breakfast!
crap version of the gag :rolleyes:

pasty · 25-12-2014 1:04am

What did Mrs Claus say to Santa?

'Don't go out in the rain dear'

castletownman · 26-12-2014 3:13pm

Told to me by a drunk uncle on Christmas night

Three Irish brothers move over to London and get wind of this particularly "accommodating" prostitute doing a roaring trade. One week one of the brothers visits her and asks her how much and she goes "£50" and he replies "god that's a bit steep. I don't have £50 on me but I have an All Ireland medal. Would you take that?" "I would", she says.

Second brother calls over the following day and enquires her price and she says "£100" and again the brother is like "I wouldn't have £100 on me but would you take an All Ireland medal?" Again, she agrees.

Anyway, the third brother eventually decides to pay her a visit a few days later and when he asks her what she's charging she goes "£200". He responds "£200? Jaysus are ya any good?"

"I don't know" she says "but I have two All Ireland medals".......

castletownman · 26-12-2014 3:13pm

<<<DOUBLE POST>>>

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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