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Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    auldgranny wrote: »
    A Lada is now a Skoda
    Motors forum is over there http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=546

    I'll get popcorn


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.

    Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys
    leans forward and says something to the president.

    Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
    The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy.
    And, the fans would love it!"

    So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
    He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.
    She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

    Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

    Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.


    The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the First PITCH!"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an
    angry member of the public.
    A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....


    Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to
    pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent , which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
    football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
    causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
    This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
    system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
    several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
    thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is
    setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
    attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
    If they could be relied on to only blow their own a rms and legs off
    then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to
    lend them the matches.

    Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
    them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
    assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be
    dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
    when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda
    car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course
    serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
    throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
    start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain your obedient servant.
    Mr ?????

    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

    Regards
    PC ???????
    Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC ???????
    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
    16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book of Records.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
    May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin , such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

    The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

    Regards
    ?????????

    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
    don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

    The millionaire CEO replies: "I've had an awful day,
    let's hear the good news first."

    The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five
    pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

    The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is
    very good news indeed! You've made my day; now
    what is the bad news?"

    The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed
    with your secretary."


  • Registered Users Posts: 423 ✭✭wesleysniper38


    At long last..........a good one ;)


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up.
    One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

    "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

    The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

    She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

    The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

    The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

    He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

    The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."


  • Registered Users Posts: 116 ✭✭Aquagakka


    Police were called to a jewellers where the owner reported an armed robbery be three elephants.

    "Were they African or Indian elephants?" said the detective to the owner, "African ones have very large ears and Indian ones small."

    I don't know" said the owner, "They had stockings over their heads."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭DrGreenthumb


    EoghanIRL wrote: »
    2b or not 2b. The artists dilemma .

    2CB or not 2CB, the ravers dilemma


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,249 ✭✭✭MaroonAndGreen


    2CB or not 2CB, the ravers dilemma

    2CB it is.


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
    One night as he was sitting in a saloon, when he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

    The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, I have a suggestion that is sure to help.
    Tell me, tell me, said the young man.
    Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.
    Will that make me a better gunfighter.
    Definitely, said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and
    drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.

    Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions.
    Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
    hits, the gun will come out smoother.
    Will that make me a better gunfighter.
    It sure will, said the old man.
    The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink
    off the piano player's shirt. This is really helping me. Is there anything else
    you can show with me.

    One more thing, said the old man. Go outside the door and dip your gun in the barrell of axle grease that's out there
    The young fellow did as he was told.
    Will that make me a better gunfighter.
    No, said the old man, But when Wyatt Earp is finished playing that
    piano over there, he's goin to shove that gun up your ass. I figure it will just make it easier on you.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,671 ✭✭✭ScummyMan


    A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar.
    The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
    The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities.
    "I'm terribly sorry if this is too personal, but how did you come to get your peg leg?"
    The pirate shifted in his seat he looked back at the man and said, "Aye. 'Tis no trouble, lad. Lost me leg from cannon fire during a ship fight!"
    Pressing further, the man asked, "Wow, that's incredible. And your hook? What's the story there?"
    "Ah. The hook! The hand went during a sword fight. Lost me hand, but got the booty!"
    Astonished, the man said, "You must have a crazy story for the eye patch then!"
    "Aye the eye. Lost it after a seagull crapped in me eye!"
    "You can lose your eye from seagull poop? I never knew!"
    "No no no. Twas the first day with me hook."


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,083 ✭✭✭tom_tarbucket


    I don't get it.



    neither do I. is it just the fact that the son thought his father cursed and that then allowed him to curse ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 348 ✭✭tkd93


    Whats the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.


    A jazz musician has just won $3 million in the lottery. A TV reporter asks him what he plans to do with the money. The jazz musician replies, "Guess I'll keep playin' until the money runs out."


    Q: What's the definition of a Scottish gentleman?
    A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.


    Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
    A: A Doberman.


    Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one...but the rest of the band stands around and complains about it being electric.



    How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
    Neither one strikes in the same place twice.


    A Balkan music group booked a concert. They all get ready, organize their instruments and drive to the concert. The accordion player sits in the back seat with his accordion. They arrive, get out of the car and start walking to the hall. They just entered the building and suddenly the accordion player noticed he forget his accordion in the car! Oh no! He runs back to the car as quickly as he can... but no, it was too late... the window was broken already... and three more accordions were thrown into the car!



    Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.


    How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.



    What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
    The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.




    Q: How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: We don't know - lightbulbs last longer than Boy Bands!


    Q: What's the difference between a government bond and a drummer ?
    A: The government bond eventually matures and earns money. .



    What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
    You can tune a '57 Chevy.

    Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a trampoline?
    A: You take your shoes off when you jump on the trampoline.


    Did you hear the one about the drummer who walked past a bar?
    Hey, it COULD happen.


    Q: If you're watching children playing at a playground, how can you tell which ones are the offspring of a trombone player?

    A: They're the ones that can't swing and don't know how to use the slide.


    Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
    A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.



    What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
    Terrorists have sympathisers.


    What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
    A razor blade.



    What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
    Puts on her clothes and goes home.


    How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
    Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).


    What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
    Both suck when you plug them in.



    Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
    To get away from the noise.



    "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
    "Oh, about half a beat behind..."




    What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
    Eventually the puppy stops whining.




    What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
    The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.




    What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
    Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.



    What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
    About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.



    In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
    The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.


    Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad drummer?
    A: A bad drummer can kill you.



    Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.


    Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a bass players car?
    A: Take the "Domino's Pizza" sign off the roof.

    Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five - one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker would have done it.


    Q: What's the range of a tuba?
    A: About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.


    "The only thing in nature close to the sound of a banjo is a chicken getting caught in a vacuum cleaner. "


    Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
    A: So they don't have to re-train the cellists.


    Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
    A. The bow is moving.



    Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
    A: A flat minor


    Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
    A: She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.


    Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a chimpanzee?
    A: It's been scientifically proven that chimps can communicate with humans.


    Q: How do you define perfect pitch?
    A: When the accordion lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.



    Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
    A: Put it in a microwave oven


















    ... until it's Bill Withers.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    Q. What's the height of conceit?

    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

    A. Because it's worth it!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What is a Yankee?

    A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

    A. They both like a tight seal.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

    A. About three inches.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

    A. The grip.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

    A. It's not hard.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

    A: 45 pounds.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

    A: 45 minutes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

    A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A .. They don't have balls to scratch!




  • Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac



    Vodka Christmas Cake

    Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
    Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.


  • Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭groovie


    What's orange and comes down the chimney?

    Fanta Claus.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,438 ✭✭✭5live


    Why does Santa have no children?


    Because he only comes once a year and then its down a chimney.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

    So he decided to see a doctor.

    "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

    The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and
    That the only cure was testicular removal.

    "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

    The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
    Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

    Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and
    Decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

    The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

    "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

    "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

    "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,897 ✭✭✭Means Of Escape


    What's the difference between a wet dream and a western dream?

    In a western dream when you wake up you're still shootin'.
    Yeeeeee haaaaa


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  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    If the arse has fallen out of your world

    Take Andrews and let the world fall out of your arse


  • Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    If the arse has fallen out of your world

    Take Andrews and let the world fall out of your arse


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    I went for an job interview for an estimators position and the interviewer asked me how long I'd worked as an estimator.

    I replied hmmm... I would say probably about seven years, give or take.


  • Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭Man of Aran


    myshirt wrote: »
    I went for an job interview for an estimators position and the interviewer asked me how long I'd worked as an estimator.

    I replied hmmm... I would say probably about seven years, give or take.

    ..... And growing up, you were considered indecisive, but nowadays you are not so sure about that?:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭evancmurphy00


    I robbed a bank dressed as a frog last week. It was the first time I had kermited a crime.


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,886 ✭✭✭✭Roger_007


    I robbed a bank dressed as a frog last week. It was the first time I had kermited a crime.

    How did you dress the bank as a frog?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    Mark Wahlberg has requested a pardon for a crime he committed in 1988.

    His debut single.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    Ronnie Wood has a new plan to start making himself look younger.

    Standing next to Keith Richards.


  • Registered Users Posts: 157 ✭✭jonnybegood


    I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.


    His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


    A fellow about my age ( 60 +), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:


    "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh1t."


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭evancmurphy00


    Do you need an ark? If you do I Noah guy.


This discussion has been closed.
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