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How often should a woman initiate contact at the start of a relationship?

  • 30-06-2010 11:24pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 122 ✭✭sarmer


    Hi ladies

    Just wondering what your thoughts are on how often a women should text/call in a relationship? I'm talking about the start of a relationship when you're dating and have to negotiate the minefield of who texts/calls who etc..

    Generally I let the guy make the effort for the first few dates and then I feel that things should pretty much be 50/50. What do you think?

    I was dating a guy a while back who made a comment to me about contacting him too much which I was very surprised about. I looked through my call history and I had phoned him maybe 4 times in the space of three months and made an effort to initiate texting maybe once or maximum twice a week. He was from back end of nowhere in america though so maybe it's just a cultural difference but I'd like to hear others opinions! Ladies and lads!


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭G86


    There's no set rule, nor should there be, if you want to call then call and if you want to text then text!:) Don't over think it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    How long is a peice of string?
    It will depend person to person.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,095 ✭✭✭✭ Apollo Strong Fatigues


    To be honest, if you are playing silly mind games like that, it would put me off, and i'm sure it would be the same for other guys here. If you want to text him, then text him. If you want to call him, then call him. There is no science to this. If you are second guessing yourself about these things everytime you talk to him, then it is just going to cause problems


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 163 ✭✭kiwi123


    Bryn wrote: »
    To be honest, if you are playing silly mind games like that, it would put me off, and i'm sure it would be the same for other guys here. If you want to text him, then text him. If you want to call him, then call him. There is no science to this. If you are second guessing yourself about these things everytime you talk to him, then it is just going to cause problems


    Totally agree with you! i know quite a few guys who follow this three day rule thing and it is such a turn off, it seems so childish!


  • Registered Users Posts: 122 ✭✭sarmer


    Bryn wrote: »
    To be honest, if you are playing silly mind games like that, it would put me off, and i'm sure it would be the same for other guys here. If you want to text him, then text him. If you want to call him, then call him. There is no science to this. If you are second guessing yourself about these things everytime you talk to him, then it is just going to cause problems

    I don't think I'm the one playing mind games. I'm happy to text/call whenever and feel that there shouldn't be rules but a lot of guys don't feel that way imo. In reality I think both sides should be making an effort but some guys seem to be a bit old fashioned and want to do the chasing.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 122 ✭✭sarmer


    kiwi123 wrote: »
    Totally agree with you! i know quite a few guys who follow this three day rule thing and it is such a turn off, it seems so childish!

    I know it's so childish! I've even had guys doing this a couple of months into a relationship and it's so annoying! It's like they're playing this game and I don't know the rules because they're setting them!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    How long is a peice of string?
    It will depend person to person.

    Exactly what I was going to say.

    There are so many mitigating factors that differ from couple to couple that there are no generalities. In saying that, I can't stand playing games and if I had a free evening and fancied meeting up, I'd have no qualms about calling and tbh, the whole game-playing archaic "man does all the chasing while I stand around pretending to look demure" thing would probably knock any relationship hopes on the head.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    I hate all that game stuff, but I know plenty of people who subscribe to it.

    When my boyfriend first asked me out he said he would text me the next day and arrange a time to meet. He did. I texted back straight away to agree.

    He later told me he was expecting to have to wait for hours for a reply, because he thought I wouldn't want to look too keen, so he was delighted. I told him I was keen!!

    You will get some guys, like the OP's fella, who seem to prefer the games though. It's juvenile as far as I'm concerned.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    I'm not even sure what this whole '3 day rule' thing even is!

    When I have started seeing someone I reply to texts or return call as I would with a friend. I'm not going to get caught up with the whole game playing, waiting x amount or time to reply etc. Life is too short to worry about the kind of sh*te.

    Having said that I have found the same as OP. I guess some people like to be the ones 'in control'. Or maybe it's because I'm shy they don't expect me to try to make equal effort!

    Confusing but with past relationship things just fall into place quickly and I have never been left wondering what was going on. When things are like that I suppose you just aren't right for each other.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    I would make contact when I have something to ask or something say.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,740 ✭✭✭Asphyxia


    Bryn wrote: »
    To be honest, if you are playing silly mind games like that, it would put me off, and i'm sure it would be the same for other guys here. If you want to text him, then text him. If you want to call him, then call him. There is no science to this. If you are second guessing yourself about these things everytime you talk to him, then it is just going to cause problems

    I very much agree with this. I don't think that there should be "rules" to text the person you're with, I find it very silly when some of my friends do it. Just be youself! It's alot better than restricting yourself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    I suppose what you have to realise is that if a man/woman is bothered by your texts then they probably aren't overly interested in you. There are no rules when you are both keen on each other. My advice is if you like someone just contact them when you feel there is a need or you want to see how they are. Be sensible about, don't think its acceptable to be constantly texting or calling, there is no real need for it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,568 ✭✭✭candy-gal1


    too true! :)There should be no set rules tbh, if you want to text, then do it, same with calls. just dont text/call to excess unless they do lol


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,131 ✭✭✭Azureus


    Agree with the poster above who said they text or call when they have something to say.

    I dont play games, but at the same time it really puts me off when a guy Im just starting to see calls or texts just to talk/say hi/see how I am (unless theres a reason why I shouldnt be well!) I know the poor guy is prob just taking an active interest, which in theory is nice, but over-enthusiasm puts me off. Call the next day to arrange hanging out again or ask me something then great tho.

    I have been told by different people that they a) thought I was disinterested because I was so laid back therefore the relationship went nowhere (I was really into him, it wasnt intentional) and b) that the reason my current bf of 3 years fell for me so hard was because I gave him something to chase and it made it exciting.

    So it really is different strokes....


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    He sounds controlling.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    Emme wrote: »
    He sounds controlling.

    Who?


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    mood wrote: »
    Who?

    Read the first post.

    I mean the OP's American ex who thought that calling him 4 times in 3 months and texted him once or twice a week in that period of time was excessive.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,006 ✭✭✭donfers


    Gnerally I'd like to think that I avoid anybody who reads anything into "efforts made to text/call"


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    Emme wrote: »
    Read the first post.

    I mean the OP's American ex who thought that calling him 4 times in 3 months and texted him once or twice a week in that period of time was excessive.

    Ok. Weird/odd would be the word I would choose! Your well rid of that guy OP!


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,364 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    sarmer wrote: »
    Just wondering what your thoughts are on how often a women should text/call in a relationship? I'm talking about the start of a relationship when you're dating and have to negotiate the minefield of who texts/calls who etc..

    A woman should text/call as often as she likes. Game playing is a no, no - reply when you can reply, sometimes I won't reply for an hour or so because I'm too busy to reply at the time, not because I'm 'playing games'.

    It does become a pain if you're the one to initiate contact all the time though and I'm very laid back/lazy so sometimes I'll really have to make the effort to make contact.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭greengiant09


    sarmer wrote: »
    Hi ladies

    Just wondering what your thoughts are on how often a women should text/call in a relationship? I'm talking about the start of a relationship when you're dating and have to negotiate the minefield of who texts/calls who etc..

    Generally I let the guy make the effort for the first few dates and then I feel that things should pretty much be 50/50. What do you think?

    I was dating a guy a while back who made a comment to me about contacting him too much which I was very surprised about. I looked through my call history and I had phoned him maybe 4 times in the space of three months and made an effort to initiate texting maybe once or maximum twice a week. He was from back end of nowhere in america though so maybe it's just a cultural difference but I'd like to hear others opinions! Ladies and lads!


    no offence but i think that is pretty backward thinking....but then a lot of people do subscribe to it so maybe it's become more like a custom. either way, it's rediculous and there should be no set rules as previously said.


  • Registered Users Posts: 604 ✭✭✭tempura


    Could'nt agree more with most of the posts so far. The amount of times i have experienced game playing is unreal, and this would be from men in their 30's and 40's. Its bizzare. If someone sends me a text, i return it there and then , what on earth is the point of waiting ? Its just bad manners and as others have said, completely childish. Honestly coul'nt be bothered with a man who does this, he simply would'nt be worth it.

    Your an adult, behave like one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,469 ✭✭✭Pythia


    After my first date with my boyfriend I texted him after an hour. Couldn't wait any longer! I tried to wait at least 10 mins in between texts so as not to appear too keen but turns out he was doing the same thing. So silly!


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    sarmer wrote: »
    Generally I let the guy make the effort for the first few dates

    that's kind of you


  • Registered Users Posts: 324 ✭✭nermal15


    Some of my friends are always rabbiting on about "Oh I can't text them AGAIN, I'll seem to clingy!". Sometimes even when they're talking about texting their girl friends. For feck sake.

    I just text/call a boy I like when I feel like it. If I felt that he'd be annoyed by hearing from me, I'd like to think I wouldn't make the effort of talking to him at all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,952 ✭✭✭magneticimpulse


    NEVER!!!

    If the guy likes you, he will contact you. Just wait for him to let you contact you. Too many Bunny Boiler tags going around and you dont want to be seen as clingy.

    If he likes you enough, things will run smoothly and it wont seem like a "game". But seriously, the more you let them wait, and if they like you, the more they will contact you to meet up.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,952 ✭✭✭magneticimpulse


    Pythia wrote: »
    After my first date with my boyfriend I texted him after an hour. Couldn't wait any longer! I tried to wait at least 10 mins in between texts so as not to appear too keen but turns out he was doing the same thing. So silly!

    That seems alot..1 or 2 text a week to meet up is all you need


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    NEVER!!!

    If the guy likes you, he will contact you. Just wait for him to let you contact you. Too many Bunny Boiler tags going around and you dont want to be seen as clingy.

    If he likes you enough, things will run smoothly and it wont seem like a "game". But seriously, the more you let them wait, and if they like you, the more they will contact you to meet up.

    Please tell me this is a joke :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    sarmer wrote: »
    Hi ladies

    Just wondering what your thoughts are on how often a women should text/call in a relationship? I'm talking about the start of a relationship when you're dating and have to negotiate the minefield of who texts/calls who etc..

    Generally I let the guy make the effort for the first few dates and then I feel that things should pretty much be 50/50. What do you think?

    I was dating a guy a while back who made a comment to me about contacting him too much which I was very surprised about. I looked through my call history and I had phoned him maybe 4 times in the space of three months and made an effort to initiate texting maybe once or maximum twice a week. He was from back end of nowhere in america though so maybe it's just a cultural difference but I'd like to hear others opinions! Ladies and lads!


    Im a guy and while I dont text that much, i know some people who would get hioghly offeneded if some, one didnt reply to them or with ina few hours. Ive heard this said to me, wtf like just because some one does'nt reply. Doesnt in my mind instantly give me bitching rights. Its a little needy to expect people to be like that

    I hate text i think its childish at times. I do text. but i try not to do it for 12 hours a day thats just to much..
    Its nice to receave, a text froma girl who you have any kinda romantic interest in. Its also nice to do it in return...
    If I was to find that I was doing all the work even when it comes to contact I would loose interest.

    I've found over the last couple of months reading through dating sites that the majority of women expect men to live up to there expectations, to me that's selfish, very one sided and while I click to the next woman. I can't help but think that a lot of women are very lazy maybe a subconous, that oh im ona sight im a good catch the guy can live up to my expectations. which anoys the hell out of me..

    I think efforts of contact should be made on booth sides.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    If he likes you enough, things will run smoothly and it wont seem like a "game". But seriously, the more you let them wait, and if they like you, the more they will contact you to meet up.
    Fúcking mindgames :mad:

    If a woman did this to me, I'd assume she wasn't interested, and drop her faster than a hot potato.


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