Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Best jokes from Primary school.

13

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,915 ✭✭✭MungBean


    How many animals can ya fit in a condom?

    A cock and a few hares.


    Had no idea what a condom was at the time or why anyone would be putting chickens and rabbits in it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,760 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    Great thread. :D I was only talking about these jokes/ rhymes with an old school friend a couple of weeks ago. These were the ones we remembered:

    Diarrhoea Custard, Diarrhoea pie,
    All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
    Snots on toast
    Three feet thick
    All mixed together with a cup of cold sick.

    I was walking down the lane and I got a sudden pain,
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    It may sound funny but it's really hot and runny
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    It runs down your leg like a soft boiled egg,
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    My mother wasn't in so I did it in the bin
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

    There was a young man from Cape Horn
    Who wished he'd never been born
    And he wouldn't have been
    If his father had seen
    That the tip of the rubber was torn

    Good times!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,528 ✭✭✭foxyboxer


    It came from me hole like Maradona scorin' a goal
    Diarrhea Paw Paw


  • Registered Users Posts: 283 ✭✭tightropetom


    It shoots from your bum like a bullet from a gun
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    Me father wasn't in so I did it in the bin
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    Me mother wasn't there so I dumped it in the chair
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking:
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 96 ✭✭zyxwvu


    [said quietly] "only queers say what!" [/said quietly]

    what?

    ahhh!!!!!


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 2,251 ✭✭✭massdebater


    Used to sing to the younger kids who liked Barney:

    I hate you
    You hate me
    Lets get a gun and shoot Barney
    With a great big bang
    And a bullet through the head
    Sorry kids but Barney's dead!

    :D

    When we got older it became:

    I hate you
    You hate me
    Barney took an ectasy
    Now he's lying dead on the floor
    No more purple dinosaur

    Even though we hadn't a clue what ectasy was! we still don't...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    Why dose Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?

    Because she sings with the other one. :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    what? no paddy irishman jokes?

    Paddy Englishman Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were in a desert and their car broke down. They decided to walk to the nearest town. It was really hot so Paddy Englishman said he would take the radiator water, Paddy Scotsman said that he would have the windscreen washer water and Paddy Irishman said he that he would take the door because if it got too hot he could roll down the window.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,362 ✭✭✭Sergeant


    What do you call a bra stretched across a road?

    A boobie trap.


  • Registered Users Posts: 589 ✭✭✭Borat_Sagdiyev


    Aglomerado wrote: »
    Great thread. I was only talking about these jokes/ rhymes with an old school friend a couple of weeks ago. These were the ones we remembered:

    Diarrhoea Custard, Diarrhoea pie,
    All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
    Snots on toast
    Three feet thick
    All mixed together with a cup of cold sick.

    I was walking down the lane and I got a sudden pain,
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    It may sound funny but it's really hot and runny
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    It runs down your leg like a soft boiled egg,
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!
    My mother wasn't in so I did it in the bin
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

    There was a young man from Cape Horn
    Who wished he'd never been born
    And he wouldn't have been
    If his father had seen
    That the tip of the rubber was torn

    Good times!
    It shoots from your bum like a bullet from a gun
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    Me father wasn't in so I did it in the bin
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    Me mother wasn't there so I dumped it in the chair
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea
    When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking:
    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea

    Diarrhoea, Diarrhoea,
    You do a little dance and you find it in your pants

    :D


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,436 ✭✭✭c_man


    I was climbing up a tree,
    something brown fell on my knee
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

    (not sure of the physics of that one)


  • Registered Users Posts: 660 ✭✭✭Jimmy Two Times


    D'ya wipe your arse with your left hand or your right hand ?

    My right hand, why ?

    D'ya not use Jacks Paper like everyone else ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,915 ✭✭✭MungBean


    Jonesey fancies Fr Murphy TID, TIND (true if destroyed, true if not destroyed)

    Poor little Jonsey left in a horrified confused and angry state trying to figure a way of getting this off his pencil case before his ma sees it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,041 ✭✭✭pdbhp


    From Barney!

    I love you, you love me
    Barney gave me HIV
    now I'm very very sick
    all because of Barneys dick.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,954 ✭✭✭✭chopperbyrne


    There was a song we used to all sing on any school trip in primary school (St Kevins Boys National School, Kilnamanagh) that I can never remember the first verse to, but the rest of it went like this:

    The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down the street
    Knocked the copper off his feet
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
    The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
    The copper took out his trusty pistol
    Shot the fart from there to Bristol
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
    Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
    Bristol City were playing at home
    Kicked the fart from there to Rome
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
    Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
    Julius Caesar was drinking gin
    Opened his mouth and the fart went in
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down his spine
    Knocked his MICKEY out of line
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u


  • Registered Users Posts: 497 ✭✭Retrovertigo


    I still have this one ingrained in my brain since Primary.

    In the German nick, where they hang you by the prick
    And the rats play snooker with your balls
    And youur mind goes blank, when your dying for a ****
    And you're hanging dirty pictures on the walls.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    El Siglo wrote: »
    What do you call a man with no left testicle?



    A right bollocks!


    What do you call a man with 3 testicles??
    Hudyanika Bolokov

    What do you say to a constipated cat?
    Have a break, have a s**t, cat...


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,798 ✭✭✭goose2005


    Hey, would you like to join the Pen Fifteen club?
    It's the coolest club EVER, and all you have to do to become a member is let me write our logo, Pen Fifteen, on your hand in permanent marker.
    Sure!

    PEN15

    Ah. Bollocks.

    Also you can join the Clint Eastwood fan club by wearing a hat with "CLINT" on it - the L and the I are written very close together...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,528 ✭✭✭foxyboxer


    How do monkeys make toast?
    They put it under the gorilla.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭The Mulk


    There was a song we used to all sing on any school trip in primary school (St Kevins Boys National School, Kilnamanagh) that I can never remember the first verse to, but the rest of it went like this:

    The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down the street, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down the street
    Knocked the copper off his feet
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
    The copper took out his trusty pistol, barnabu
    The copper took out his trusty pistol
    Shot the fart from there to Bristol
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
    Bristol City were playing at home, barnabu
    Bristol City were playing at home
    Kicked the fart from there to Rome
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
    Julius Caesar was drinking gin, barnabu
    Julius Caesar was drinking gin
    Opened his mouth and the fart went in
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u

    The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down his spine, barnabu
    The fart went rolling down his spine
    Knocked his MICKEY out of line
    Itchy, pitchy barnabu-u-u


    Another one from the same school

    Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,
    Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,
    Johnny robbed a bank in the middle of a.....tea break,
    Johnny robbed a bank, robbed a bank,

    a few versus followed.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭The Mulk


    73Cat wrote: »
    What do you call a man with 3 testicles??
    Hudyanika Bolokov
    ..

    What do you call a man with 5 testicles

    Ivan Nakovnikindem (I've a knack of knicking them)- In case the spelling is wrong!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,713 ✭✭✭pappyodaniel


    Fremen wrote: »
    Jesus Christ, superstar,
    Flying down the road in his motor car.
    Pulls a skid,
    Kills a kid,
    Recks his head on a dustbin lid.

    When I die
    Bury me
    & hang my balls from a cherry tree
    When they're ripe
    Take a bite
    Don't blame me if you piss all night.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,713 ✭✭✭pappyodaniel


    Kid A: I bet you can't bop your head forwards and backwards with your mouth open.
    Kid B: Yes I can.
    Kid A: go on then.
    *Kid B looks like he's giving a blowjob
    Kid A: Ahahahahahaaa

    Kid A: What way do you brush your teeth.
    Kid B: Like this.
    *Kid B looks like he's giving a blowjob a pornstar would be proud of
    Kid A: Ahahahahahaaa


  • Registered Users Posts: 43,017 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    Q:How do you make a hormone?

    A:Kick her in the fanny


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    In Templemore there is a hall
    And a church without a steeple
    And in every door there stands a whore
    Looking out a decent people


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,760 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    I'm not sure if I remember the correct wording, but here goes...

    My old man's a dustman,
    He wears a dustman's hat
    He farted through the keyhole
    And paralysed the cat

    The dog ran up the chimney
    He couldn't stand the smell
    He caught his balls upon a door
    And shouted "Fúcking Hell"

    The table fell to pieces,
    The city fell apart
    And that's the story of
    The supersonic Fart.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,370 ✭✭✭Colmo52


    I recognise nearly everything in this thread. We were easily amused.


    Johnny went out to milk the cows ta-ra ta-ra
    Johnny went out to milk the cows ta-ra ta-ra
    He pulled the tail instead of the tit
    And all that came out was a bucket of shît


    Old MacDonald sitting on a bench
    Picking his balls with a monkey wrench
    The wrench got hot and burnt his balls
    He pissed all over his overalls
    He went to the doctor and the doctor said
    Sorry sir your balls are dead
    When i die, bury me,
    Tie my balls to a cherry tree.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭ringadingding


    c_man wrote: »
    I was climbing up a tree,
    something brown fell on my knee
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

    (not sure of the physics of that one)
    we used
    When your climbing up a tree,
    and it dribbles down your knee
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!

    When it comes out your bum,
    It looks like pedigree chum
    Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea!


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    [To the tune of the Colonol Bogey march]

    Hitler has only got one ball,
    Göring has two but very small,
    Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
    But poor Goebbels has no balls at all.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 2,079 ✭✭✭irelandspurs


    Did you ever get caught sniffing up moms knickers
    No
    you must be good at it then


Advertisement