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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,588 ✭✭✭JP Liz


    What do you call a prostitute with no legs????








    Cash and Carry


  • Registered Users Posts: 32,875 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    What do you call a Russian prostitute?

    Nickers Onandov


    But to be far it's a tough job. And cold in Russia. Why last year it was so cold that the hookers were doing free bjs just to get something warm into their stomachs.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,186 ✭✭✭Andrewf20


    From FHM magazine:

    Did you hear about the cheese grater that Stevie Wonders wife got him for christmas?

    He said it was easily the most violent book he's ever read.


    Whats the difference between a duck?

    One of its legs are both the same.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    if this rain keeps up its gonna stay like that


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 862 ✭✭✭cautioner


    Andrewf20 wrote:
    Whats the difference between a duck?

    One of its legs are both the same
    I laughed for far longer than was necessary at that.


    What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    Finding half a worm in your apple! :p:p:p

    What's even worse than finding half a worm in your apple?


    Rape.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 193 ✭✭fredzer


    Rape is no laughing matter … unless you’re being raped by a clown!!

    :eek:


  • Registered Users Posts: 32,875 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Two ducks in a pond, one looks up and says, "quack!"

    The other looks up and says, "you know, I was just gonna say that..."

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,674 ✭✭✭Raoul


    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?


    Dr. Dre!!!!:D


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 6,869 ✭✭✭Mahatma coat


    Milky Joe wrote: »
    Did you hear about the constipated mathemitician? He worked it out with a pencil.:p oh yes

    I heard of another one who worked it out with his Fingers :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 Irishjack32


    Girls are like phones.we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 35 Irishjack32


    Things you would like to say at work
    • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    • And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
    • Do I look like a people person?
    • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
    6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    8. You!... Off my planet!
    • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
    • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
    • Allow me to introduce my selves.
    • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
    • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
    • Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
    • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
    • Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
    • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
    • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Raoul wrote: »
    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?


    Dr. Dre!!!!:D

    FANTASTIC!!!

    :D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 Irishjack32


    Dear STAFF,

    Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

    TRANSPORTATION:
    It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

    a) If we see you driving a CAMRY/CIVIC, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

    c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    ANNUAL LEAVE:
    Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year - They are called Sundays.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

    b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
    - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    TOILET USE :
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

    a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

    b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

    c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

    SURGERY:
    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

    - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

    - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


    All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

    - Important Note: Charges applicable as S$2.00 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

    Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Best regards,
    XXXXXXXXXX


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Dear STAFF,

    Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

    TRANSPORTATION:
    It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

    a) If we see you driving a CAMRY/CIVIC, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

    c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    ANNUAL LEAVE:
    Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year - They are called Sundays.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

    b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
    - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    TOILET USE :
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

    a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

    b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

    c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

    SURGERY:
    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

    - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

    - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


    All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

    - Important Note: Charges applicable as S$2.00 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

    Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Best regards,
    XXXXXXXXXX
    One-Liner Joke?


  • Registered Users Posts: 35 Irishjack32


    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
    Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
    The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 26,960 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    Insert multiple line joke here
    Hullo McFly?
    Read the thread title.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭jc7


    Q. How do you confuse a <insert county here>man?

    A. 32


  • Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ Grace Prickly Cheddar


    What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
    Christopher Walken.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,462 ✭✭✭Queen-Mise


    Be alert, your country needs more lerts


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,462 ✭✭✭Queen-Mise


    I went bob sleighing the other day and killed 20 bobs


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,064 ✭✭✭minxie


    you must be jelly................ cos jam just dont shake like that:D:D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    minxie1 wrote: »
    you must be jelly................ cos jam just dont shake like that:D:D:D:D

    tot tot tot !


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭cloinsigh


    What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

    Icecream!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Green Giant


    I was asked today whether U2 or Coldplay were the best live band in the world. It was a tough decision but U2 have The Edge.


    sorry for that, lads :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 32,875 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Doctor Doctor, I think I keep thinking I'm a moth

    But I'm a dentist!

    Yeah, I know, but... your light was on...

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,193 ✭✭✭Turd Ferguson


    Two sausages are in a frying pan.

    One sausage says to the other 'Christ its hot in here,eh?'

    The second one says 'Holy f*ck!! A talking sausage!!!!'


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    A Nose walks into a bar and asked for a large beer

    The barman says sorry I can't serve you ........youre out of your face !


  • Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭gazelec


    Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a nobel prize?






    He was outstanding in his field


  • Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭gazelec


    Just bought the wife a new bag and belt for her birthday ........................................The hoover works a treat now


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  • Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭gazelec


    A man with no arms entered the world masturbation championships .............................He didnt come any where


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