How do I stop texting him??

LegacyUser · 29-01-2011 8:23pm #1

I can't stop texting my ex and watching him on facebook and it's becoming obsessive.

I know this sounds ridiculous and I know people will say "just stop" but it's not that simple.

I know he was an asshole, I try to remind myself of how he cheated on me and made an idiot out of me in front of my friends but I still love him. I guess love makes you blind to the wrongdoings.

Anyway I deleted his number from my phone but every time I get drunk or lonely which is lots I remember his number and text him again. I know his number in my head so deleting it does no good.

Same with facebook. He deleted and blocked me but all I had to do was make another profile and be readded to his friends so that's what I did and now I can see his every update again and he uses it loads so it's like I'm still with him, I know which bar he goes to and which club and I just feel like I can't get away from him.

Girls, how do you get over your exes? How do you stop yourselves facebook stalking?? Ugh if only it were back to the old days before fb! So much easier!
I know this isn't that big a problem but it matters to me. K thanks!

LegacyUser · 29-01-2011 9:18pm

First get rid of the notion that you 'love' him. You are feeling bad about yourself and looking to him for validation to feel better. That desperation to be with someone who treated you badly is not 'love'. It is totally about you not loving yourself enough. But closure & happiness comes from within. You can make yourself happy, you don't need him to do it and anyway he does not want the job so you have to do it!

What worked for me was telling myself that like every other relationship that ends, time heals. To speed up the process I did this:
I picked a date (I did allow myself the odd Facebook snoop & daydream but no texting or contact)
I decided instead using energy 'loving' him I would spend the month 'loving' me instead. spent that time doing stuff completely for myself, yoga, massages, cooking, reading comedy dvds, organising nights out, whatever you fancy really. I almost saw it as a little project (project me!) to get my mind off him!
Knowing intellectually that I was going to be over him at some stage was comfort enough to trust this would work (I was not confident a month would be enough!). Funny thing happened, well before the month was up I realised that days were passing without thinking about him (I work in the same building as him so this was a breakthrough!).
People always mention the book - 'women who love too much' , can't rem the author! It is a really really good book for break ups.

Zen65 · 29-01-2011 9:18pm

Sugasugalady wrote: »

I know people will say "just stop" but it's not that simple.

Actually, it really is that simple. But simple is not always easy.

Sugasugalady wrote: »

I deleted his number from my phone but every time I get drunk or lonely which is lots I remember his number and text him again. I know his number in my head so deleting it does no good.

Herein lies the answer. Why are you getting lonely so often? Do you have friends, hobbies, sports, work, community groups etc to keep your mind occupied, or are you choosing to spend your time on the web, looking at his FB page and the like?

Perhaps the first step for you is to widen your interests. Take up a sport or hobby, or give time to volunteer work, or simply spend more time with your friends so that you don't leave so much space in your life for pining back to this man.

There is no silver bullet. There is no pill you can take that will make this problem go away. You simply have to organise your life so that it is not a vessel for stowaway thoughts, and your habit of texting your ex will loosen its grip on you. In time you will forget the phone number, and texting will become harder. You could speed up this process by throwing away/erasing your paper copies of his phone number (from your diary, etc).

Now, as for those fake FB pages you have set up; delete them. Delete them now. Imagine yourself in 20 years' time explaining to your kids how you allowed yourself to become so besotted with this guy that you stalked him. Is that the kind of person you want to be remembered as? You only need to stalk one person to be known as a stalker, so wise up to your behaviour and stop yourself now, while it's still just our little secret!!

Be at peace,

Z

Katgurl · 29-01-2011 9:24pm

Every time you're tempted remind yourself he probably reads out each and every one of those texts for his mates and tells his new girlfriend about his crazy stalker ex.

If he cops it's you on fb you will become known as a crazy bunny boiler and tbh you'll be in no position to defend yourself.

I was furious, dementedwith rage actually with my ex - I threw myself into running, salsa dancing and other hobbies. I took a serious look at my drinking.

I didn't even notice my rage diminish - one day I was amazed to discover it wasn't there. Ijust didn't care at all.

He's nothing to do with you. And you are missing out on rare opportunity to do whatever you want without having to check in with someone else.

So get out there and start enjoying single life.

Miss Fluff · 29-01-2011 10:05pm

Your life is obviously not full and enriched enough if you have so much time to dedicate to someone who treated you awfully. Have you got friends? Hobbies? You need to occupy your time, Katgurl gave good advice.

On another note. What you are doing is just a bad habit. Merely like picking your nose or smoking. You simply do have to stop as snooping around and setting up a fake Facebook account is mildly pathetic and every time you snoop you are subconsciously reinforcing it to yourself that you are pathetic, and so continues this vicious cycle of desperation and self loathing. Your damaging your self esteem on a daily basis by doing this.

What I found helpful when working a toxic toad out of my system was I wrote down a "10 Reasons to Hate You" about the awful man in question and read it every day, the bloke you claim to be "in love" with cheated on you and humilated you so unless you have masochistic tendencies, then you really have no good reason to let him occupy a moment's more headspace.

If you can't stop snooping (which of course you can if you put any effort in) then you have to deactivate both accounts.

Just stop it. Fill your day with positive people and positive activities. Each day will be easier.

R.D. aka MR.D · 29-01-2011 10:41pm

What i find works is putting a elastic band around your wrist and any time you think about him or anything, just snap it. It hurts enough to remind to think of something else.

Or if i am somewhere else and can't do this, any time I think of a goal. So say I'm thinking about him, I start to think about how I'll look in a size 8 or how much fun I'll have on a trip to Madrid when I save enough.

I find those help. But it is still tempting to snoop. That I find leaves with time and self discipline.

I still think about him when I'm drunk so I try not to get too drunk!

It will pass.

allovertheshop · 30-01-2011 3:19pm

To stop yourself from texting him, put a screensaver on your phone saying something along the lines "I'm better off without him" or " He's not interested in me anymore" or "I'm making a fool of myself everytime I text him". Then, when you go to text him, you'll see the note to yourself and hopefully will decided not to send the text.
good luck

booboo88 · 30-01-2011 4:13pm

is this not a bit juvenile? you're texting someone who clearly has no interest in you? to what, make him realise he's madly in love with u? just doesnt know it yet??

give me a break

LegacyUser · 30-01-2011 4:22pm

Thanks guys!! I know I've been really dumb. I stupidly texted him again last night after too much drink and he replied "fcuk off" so after that I am RAGING, what a bastard after we were going out with each other for a year! I'm learning that he's just not worth it. I thought about stopping drinking but why should he impose on my fun either. I guess i don't have many friends where i live so I spend my free time yes, on facebook. I'm not really interested In much else now but I'm sure I will be in time. Thanks to you all for the advice and to those of you who think my behaviour is dumb, you know what, give it time and you'll be in the exact same place because it happens to every one of us eventually when we are into a guy who messes us around and it's hard to let go, just give it time and you'll be writing the same thread as me!

midlandsmissus · 30-01-2011 7:17pm

booboo88 wrote: »

is this not a bit juvenile? you're texting someone who clearly has no interest in you? to what, make him realise he's madly in love with u? just doesnt know it yet??

give me a break

Ah now , small bit harsh.:D

We've all been there I'd say and if you haven't - you're a stronger woman than me!

After my last bad break up I thought of him constantly for about a month I'd say.
I never texted him, but it was on my mind alot that I wanted to do it.
I think it's the desire to have any kind of contact with them at all.
I just had the strength of mind to realise that it would feed into his ego, do me no good, and I managed to stay away from the phone!

Drink will also increase ur desire to text him, so if ur drinking after a break up for the love of god leave your phone with a friend! Or don't drink at all for a while I would say - it will make you sadder. Focus on making yourself happy and healthy this month. You can do it!

booboo88 · 30-01-2011 9:44pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Ah now , small bit harsh.:D

We've all been there I'd say and if you haven't - you're a stronger woman than me!

After my last bad break up I thought of him constantly for about a month I'd say.
I never texted him, but it was on my mind alot that I wanted to do it.
I think it's the desire to have any kind of contact with them at all.
I just had the strength of mind to realise that it would feed into his ego, do me no good, and I managed to stay away from the phone!

Drink will also increase ur desire to text him, so if ur drinking after a break up for the love of god leave your phone with a friend! Or don't drink at all for a while I would say - it will make you sadder. Focus on making yourself happy and healthy this month. You can do it!

oh we've all wanted to do it, but we have a thing called SELF CONTROL

booboo88 · 30-01-2011 10:49pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Booboo - give the girl a break. She's heartbroken, she isnt thinking rationally. Your harsh words are only going to make her feel worse which she really doesnt need. There is tough love and then there is being downright cruel.

Or theres a thing called being honest???
One poster was saying how hes telling his new girl about his crazy ex, and showing it to all his mates.
We've al been heeartbroken. its life

Firetrap · 30-01-2011 11:48pm

Sugasugalady wrote: »

I thought about stopping drinking but why should he impose on my fun either

Perhaps in the short term, you might reconsider this, seeing as you are having trouble not texting him and are more likely to do so when you're drunk. Drunk texting is a problem for you so you might need to look at this in the cold light of day and ask yourself which is worse: going easy on the drink until you get over this or sending texts you regret afterwards.

Cheap Thrills! · 31-01-2011 12:01am

Really agree with Firetrap. The reason to ease back on the drinking is because it's harming YOU op, not him.

Don't give him any more opportunities to humiliate you. I know you two were together a year but it seems to be clearly over. You have by your own admission been texting him unwantedly and even after he blocked you on Facebook you signed up again and logged onto his page each time you were drunk.

I know you know it's wrong. Mainly its wrong for YOU. It's giving him more opportunities to reject you. Cut your losses. I'm sorry to be blunt but he doesn't want to know and he doesn't CARE about you or the fact that you had a one year relationship.

You wont be able to make him feel guilty. Stop drinking and get out and do other things. Yes, it's going to be hard but it's for YOUR good. As soon as you have a few distractions you will begin to heal.

I lost my Mother last year and I know it's a totally different kind of loss but I made a point of filling my life with good things so that I have distractions while I heal. It's different losing a boyfriend but you can use the same techniques. Go out and make an effort to reconnect with friends, make new friends. It's really rewarding and will help you forget your pain.

Be strict with yourself OP. Hide that phone if you are having a drink. Get a friend to help you and confide in them. Things will get better.

Katgurl · 31-01-2011 12:14am

booboo88 wrote: »

Or theres a thing called being honest???
One poster was saying how hes telling his new girl about his crazy ex, and showing it to all his mates.
We've al been heeartbroken. its life

Well I said to imagine him doing that because let's face it, it's very possible. I've seen guys do exactly that. And I didn't say it to upset the op, I said it in answer to her "how can I stop myself" plea?

Op the swimming above is a good suggestion or running. Both are invigorating and the improved physique great side effect. My boobs look like they did when I was 17! Also salsa dancing, I really think impossible to not feel happy salsa dancing, plus you feel really sexy and confident when you start to get good.

Seriously op, there will come a time (sooner than you think) when you really just don't care, you feel nothing. Then you'll be kicking yourself for all the time you wasted, all the torture you put yourslef through and most of all the ammo you gave him to put you down.

It's become a bad habit. And all habits good or bad just take a bit of discipline to break. If you are out drinking with sudden urge to text him, promise yourself you will wait till next day then if you still want to, you can. If you feel need to sit down and write him heartfelt email about how hurt you are, promise yourself that you can but you need to wait a week. Etc

it'll pass I promise. But you have to not allow yourself give into every whim.

booboo88 · 31-01-2011 1:24pm

Katgurl wrote: »

Well I said to imagine him doing that because let's face it, it's very possible. I've seen guys do exactly that. And I didn't say it to upset the op, I said it in answer to her "how can I stop myself" plea?

Op the swimming above is a good suggestion or running. Both are invigorating and the improved physique great side effect. My boobs look like they did when I was 17! Also salsa dancing, I really think impossible to not feel happy salsa dancing, plus you feel really sexy and confident when you start to get good.

Seriously op, there will come a time (sooner than you think) when you really just don't care, you feel nothing. Then you'll be kicking yourself for all the time you wasted, all the torture you put yourslef through and most of all the ammo you gave him to put you down.

It's become a bad habit. And all habits good or bad just take a bit of discipline to break. If you are out drinking with sudden urge to text him, promise yourself you will wait till next day then if you still want to, you can. If you feel need to sit down and write him heartfelt email about how hurt you are, promise yourself that you can but you need to wait a week. Etc

it'll pass I promise. But you have to not allow yourself give into every whim.

The sad thing is thats what this low life is probably doing.

greenprincess · 31-01-2011 1:31pm

A few years ago my bf wanted a break he needed space. So I went from texting him around 20 times a day and a phone call or two to nothing!!
It was hard not to text him so I asked my friend if I could text her crappy things during the day that I would normally text him and it worked a treat.

Cgoodie · 06-02-2011 2:08am

Perhaps a way to get it out of your system is to write him a letter but don't send it - put all your thoughts about him and the situation down on paper and it might help put things in perspective for you and rationalise the situation.

Delete the fake FB page straight away as you are only driving yourself crazy and no one else.

And as other posters have said try cut down on the amount of alcohol to stop the drunk texting, you don't have to give it up just cut back so you don't get as drunk that you'll be in the state of mind to text him. Anyway a bit of time not drinking doesn't do anyone any harm so maybe look at new opportunites for doing stuff for a while until your not obsessed with him anymore.

IrishEyes19 · 06-02-2011 3:14am

Heatbreak is the worst thing ever, OP, but drunk texting and obsessing over your ex is so destructive for your wellbeing and emotions.
If the guy wanted you, he'd come back, he really would. But if he's treated you so terribly, you really are better off. Its hard to see now, especially when you have good and bad times to mull over, but you will reach a stage when you are fully over them. It takes time though.

How do I stop texting him??

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