Should I end relationship because of my depression?

lara thompson · 06-11-2011 7:11pm #1

Basically, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar/Personality Disorder/Low self esteem issues/Post Traumatic... I've never had a clear answer or much help but I get severely depressed, sometimes suicidal and have made attempts. Half of the time I'm a really fun and friendly person to be around. I'm just not happy-go-lucky at the moment.

I'm really difficult to be in a relationship with. My last relationship was pretty terrible. I was cheated on all the time and it was a pretty abusive relationship.

The guy I'm with now has been a super long distance relationship. He's gentle and would never physically hurt me in anyway. He's a good guy. I am really in love with him. I spent some time with him in his country (where he moved to live and work) and he's visited me a number of times. I've known him since I was a kid. We've been together for a year and a half long distance.

He's recently told his work he's leaving so that he can move to me and we can live together but I'm having doubts.

He's stayed with me despite my problems with depression and a lot of pushing and pulling that I've done. I'm not proud but I tried pushing him away a lot. Recently though, I've been struggling with depression again and no self worth. He told me my problems are ridiculous and not real and that someone else in his family has problems that are actually real and it's understandable they're depressed but not me. I have no reason to be. I'm so hurt he said it. It makes me not want to be with him and tell him to ask his boss if he can keep his job and not come back at all.

He's been wonderful in so many ways. He's a good person. I've fallen madly in love with him but I feel like the relationship is destroying me. I don't understand why though. Compared to what my ex did to me, he's a saint. I just feel like he doesn't understand me sometimes or can't deal with the baggage I come with. I'm trying to sort out therapy sessions but I'm starting to think I just can't deal with relationships. I don't have any friends I can talk to at all. He went to amsterdamn on my birthday this year, and told me he'd be going to see sex shows and take drugs. He just got angry that I was upset and justified it by saying he'd promised to go with a friend before we got together but I don't particularly believe that. He tried to make up for it by spoiling me so much when I visited him a few months later. We have a great time when we're together but I tend to never forget anything including hurtful comments.

If I tell him to stay where he is and not to move over for me, I'm so scared I'm going to regret it. I'm pretty sure I will. I feel stuck. I'm completely in love with him but the comment about my problems being ridiculous and not real has made me feel even worse. I was already severely depressed and I struggle finding reasons not to harm myself as it is.

Half of the time he tells me he's going to be there for me and come to every appointment and session and help me get better. Then he says things like that? I'm confused. I'm exhausted. How can I walk away from someone I'm in love with and not be destroyed by it and regret it? I know he is in love with me. He is petrified of me leaving him and says he couldn't cope without me. I'm just so depressed and I'm tired of feeling jealous and insecure that I can't cope being in the relationship but I could be walking away from a fresh start living with him and finally in the same country. It's literally a matter of weeks he's due back here.

Please help :-(

beks101 · 06-11-2011 9:31pm

Hi OP,

I'm sorry for the difficulties you're experiencing.

Priority number one in your life needs to be your recovery and successful management of your disorders. So the advice that I'm going to give in the rest of this post is with that in mind.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you can't continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't take your disease seriously. And that's what depression/bipolar disorder is - it's a disease and it's as real as cancer. There's no debate. Imagine if you had cancer and he was giving you the same reaction - it's not 'real', people in his family have worse problems so it's not a valid issue?

I can imagine how hurtful it is for one of the people you're closest to, to downplay what are very real and very difficult issues for you. It won't be any help in your recovery to have to deal with this on a regular basis, you are vulnerable enough as it is. So I think priority number one needs to be explaining how crucial his support and understanding is to you, and that if you don't have that, you can't continue in the relationship. Maybe you could ask your counsellor for advice on this, or even get him to attend a session with him/her by himself - a mental health professional will be used to effectively dealing with patients' family members and loved ones. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but I think in this case it is warranted - your mental health is at risk.

The next thing you need to determine is, if being in a relationship is going to hinder your recovery. Only you can know that. I know for me, when I was dealing with an eating disorder, it badly affected all of my relationships - with family, friends and romances - and I physically couldn't commit myself to someone when I was 'committed' to my illness. Any time I got into anything, I'd end up letting them down by backing out of pre-arranged dates because I was feeling so horrible, taking out my anger on them, becoming paranoid and jealous because my self esteem was so low...it was just an added stress in my life. Being of healthy mind now makes me a better friend, a better daughter and a better partner because I am comfortable within myself, comfortable letting people love me (which I never was before) and not sabotaging myself further through my relationships. I wouldn't have reached that place if I didn't have the time and space to work on my issues (which will always be a work in progress - but they don't render me dysfunctional anymore.)

It sounds to me like you've always been in a relationship with someone. Maybe you're not comfortable on your own? Maybe in some way that's distracting you and preventing you from really dealing with your illness?

Just a few things to think about. I don't think you need to pick up the phone and break up with your boyfriend right here and now. But I do feel you have important things to think about, maybe with the help and support of your counsellor.

Best of luck to you. I really hope you find peace of mind x

nicechick! · 06-11-2011 9:49pm

Firstly its important to get the correct diagnosis I suggest you go back to your gp. You need to get that clear answer and create an understanding of whats happening to you so that you can take the right course of action to overcome your battle with depression. Get the help you need now

As for you BF he shouldn't be passing judgement or comparing you to others depression is not always caused through persons personal circumstances (death in family or stress etc) many suffer with depression and I might add lead very happy life's! This however could be the fact that he doesn't understand and feeling overwhelmed sometimes its hard to cope with others depression. I suggest that he to seek some professional advice if only to get a grasp/understanding of how he can support you.

As for relationships that is your depression creeping in moments of self doubt, worthless attitude but for now talk to your GP and in the short term contact

www.aware.ie - A professional advice service

good luck

Should I end relationship because of my depression?

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