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Inheriting money - not sure what to do

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    I think I'll discuss it with her when the money comes through, and I really like the suggestion of paying it off now, but making it that she owes me rather than the bank.
    I would be very careful about this course of action. As you've already pointed out, if money is short "the first thing she does is stop making repayments", and so with the pressure off in not having a financial institution to pay off (and the consequences of not doing so no longer an issue), she could quickly fall in arrears with whatever arrangement you make with her for repaying you.

    If this happens, it will be worse than having simply paid off her loan, because not only will you have done so de facto, but she would have ended up screwing you over on an agreement and this could well cause resentment and serious relationship problems.

    This is not to say that you should not do so. You are the best judge of if she can be trusted or not in this regard. Also, if you did this and she did default on your loan to her, it may be better to lose 3k now and realize what type of person she is than doing so down the line when you are legally required to support her.

    However, I would think long and hard before entering such an arrangement with her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I think I'll discuss it with her when the money comes through, and I really like the suggestion of paying it off now, but making it that she owes me rather than the bank. I'll set up an account where she can make repayments to, and then we can ultimately use that money for our future - be it on holidays, or our wedding, or whatever. And if things go sour and we break up and she does a runner, the money lost won't have that much of an impact on me financially. Thanks for the input, everyone.

    I think discussing it with her first is wise - taking it upon yourself to make plans for her personal finances is pointless, if you haven't established she'd be happy to go along with whatever involvement you want to have.

    I'd also question if paying lump sums towards or taking on her debt is a good move, as things stand. Whatever you decide, I think voicing your concerns and triggering a discussion on finances is a good idea before you get married or share any debt of any kind....and you have to thrash out a plan for approaching these issues in the future when your different approaches to money management could cause a lot of heartache and issues in your relationship.

    All the best. :cool:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,595 ✭✭✭The Lovely Muffin


    To be honest OP, if I was you, I wouldn't pay off her debts, she created those debts, she should be the one to pay them off.

    I don't owe any money to banks or credit unions etc, but if I did I wouldn't be happy if a long-term partner decided he wanted to pay them off or give me a lump sum to put towards paying them off. Frankly, I'd be mortified. If I run up debts I want to be the one who pays them off, not my partner or anyone else.

    You know your girlfriend well enough to know whether she would be happy about this or not, but you should speak to her first, before making any plans.


  • Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭wexford12


    I am about to inherit a sum of money. Most of it is going aside for my future, but I'm keeping some aside for immediate use. My problem lies with my partner. We're together a few years, but not engaged yet as we feel we're too young. We've discussed marriage extensively, and we're both in this relationship for the long haul. My girlfriend racked up some debts before I met her, but lost her job a few years ago and has struggled to make the repayments. In total now she owes maybe 3K. With the money I have coming in, I could easily pay these off for her, but I'm reluctant to do that. I'm afraid that if I pay them off, she wouldn't learn from her mistakes, basically. About half the debt is an overdraft from when she lost her job and ended up going back to college, which is fine. The other half is the remainder of a loan from years ago that she should never have taken out. I'm afraid that she'll just run up the debt again during the rest of her studies, and I won't be doing her any favours in the long term. I'm basically looking for opinions here - should I just leave her get herself out of the remaining debt, or make her life a bit easier by helping her pay them off?

    Get over yourself for gods sake do you hear yourself this is your GF who you are ment to love.If i was her and you got a big windfall i would feel very put out that you wouldn't help out and make things easier.
    3K is not a huge amount to owe between a loan and credit card i would think most people owe more than that.
    I didn't read all the posts so not sure if you said how much you are getting but from your first post the money might go to your head and you could end up loosing everything but your money.
    People learn very quickly money does not make you happy and nor does spending it what does make me happy is helping people and seeing the look on their face when you do so.
    If you care about your girl friend have a hard think about making an arse of yourself


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    wexford12 wrote: »
    Get over yourself for gods sake do you hear yourself this is your GF who you are ment to love.
    What if by doing so he ends up causing more harm than good?
    If i was her and you got a big windfall i would feel very put out that you wouldn't help out and make things easier.
    Why? Are you entitled to it?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 335 ✭✭fallen01angel


    Hi OP, As the Corinthian has pointed out,when things get tight the first thing she cuts back on is repayments of loans.....not a good sign at all.IF you paid off her debts and she didn't keep up the repayments to you take my word for it,resentment would start creeping in on both parts(you...why she's not paying back what she owes/her...he's my boyfriend,if he loved me he wouldn't expect it back).
    Your other half is not a child,these are her debts,not yours and tbh I really don't understand why people here are saying you should be paying the debts off for her,it's your inheritence,not yer inheritence.You already stated that you intend to treat her to some really nice things.....is that really not enough.If it were me in her position and my OH offered to pay it off I would honestly refuse point blank to accept it-in my opinion(and this is just my opinion) money lent in a relationship can bring more trouble than it was actually worth.
    All I can advise is think very carefully before you decide about what to do.
    Best of Luck.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Just basing this on my own personal experience - we have paid off one another's debts if we came into money. A relationhip is give and take and you do not know what will happen in the future. We agreed that I would take unpaid leave after the birth of our children and my husband helped finance it.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,278 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Ok- so she has 3k of debt- is a mature student, not getting a grant, unable to find part time work etc. To be honest- I'm amazed that her debt is only 3k. Sure she might splash out were she to come into money- but thats only human nature. That she is managing to keep her debts from spiralling when shes a mature student without a part-time job- regardless of how poor you think she is with money- shows she is capable of budgeting and living within her means. I'm surprised her debts aren't a lot higher than they actually are.

    When I started reading this thread- I was agreeing with those who were advising a pragmatic approach to this- but on reflection, and given the circumstances, I've changed my opinion.

    Her debts are relatively minor. She is by and large living within her means. Her circumstances have changed- and she has by and large tailored her cloth to fit her changed circumstances. If you genuinely are both of the opinion that this is a long term relationship- clearing the debt isn't a massive gesture on your part. If it placed an onerous financial burden on you- it would be a different story. Tie up the bulk of the money so that it would only become available in the future- I have no idea how much it is, and frankly don't want to know- but as a once off gesture- if she knows this is not a recurrent event- it is a nice gesture to make.

    If you don't trust that helping her in this way is good for her in the long term- or don't trust her to manage her finances- well, you've issues that you really need to talk through with her, before committing to one another long term- regardless of your recent inheritance.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    Just basing this on my own personal experience - we have paid off one another's debts if we came into money. A relationhip is give and take and you do not know what will happen in the future. We agreed that I would take unpaid leave after the birth of our children and my husband helped finance it.
    This however is your personal experience with another person who has another personality.

    Ideally I would agree with you, but people often come with issues and if you're in a relationship you have to take these into account. If your partner has a history of alcohol or substance abuse, you're going to avoid scenarios that will lead to relapses or a worsening of the problem, for example. And in this regard, the OP has repeatedly stated that his other half has problems controlling money responsibility.

    My grandmother was like this to the day she died. She was spoilt as a child and never learned the value of money as a result; someone else would always pick up the tab. Had she, along the way, been forced to learn how to manage her money responsibility, she would have caused significantly less grief to those around her and had a much easier life herself.

    So with most people, you can pay off their debt because you know that they will not take it likely (from some of the responses here, such an offer could well be refused), and some day in the future they may well repay your debts.

    But with some all you are doing is further entrenching a mode of behaviour that does not get better with age, it gets worse. They will never, some day in the future, repay your debts in return; it will always be one way and over time it will likely get more pronounced.

    All presuming that the OP's personality type is like this; we have only his assessment of it. However, he does seem very concerned that this is the case and if so, paying her debt would simply result in her continuing to act irresponsibly with money, in the knowledge that (as with my grandmother) someone else would pick up the tab.

    If she has to ultimately pay it off herself, it will go some way to ingraining the value of that money, that it's not 'easy come, easy go', and cause her to think twice about going into debt again in the future.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    smccarrick wrote: »
    She is by and large living within her means.
    She's not. According to the OP, she lives at home and whenever they're out he bankrolls her for the most part, so she's actually living within other people's means.

    This in itself is not necessarily a bad thing - we've all had to do that at some point in our lives - the fear raised by the OP is that this is not simply a temporary issue, but a long term one.
    If you don't trust that helping her in this way is good for her in the long term- or don't trust her to manage her finances- well, you've issues that you really need to talk through with her, before committing to one another long term- regardless of your recent inheritance.
    I'd agree with this. It's obliviously something that bothers the OP a lot and you can hardly blame him for it.

    I get the impression that the OP wants her to change in this regard, and is afraid that doing things like paying off the debt will end up working against this. And truth be told, it probably will.

    Personally, I think paying off the debt is a bad idea for someone with fiscal responsibility issues. I think instead loaning the money to her has strong merit, but only if she has the discipline to repay it. If not, defaulting will cause stress in the relationship and could ultimately cause them to break up. But then if they do break up, 3k is a small price to pay for dodging that bullet, IMHO.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Its only 3k ffs....

    You can either choose to give her the money and make her life easier or withhold the money and continue to sit in judgement of her...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Its only 3k ffs....
    "I know he's an alcoholic, but it's only one drink ffs...."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    "I know he's an alcoholic, but it's only one drink ffs...."

    Well sitting on a high horse wont help her either.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    Well sitting on a high horse wont help her either.
    I don't think anyone's sitting on a high horse. That's just your interpretation, TBH.


  • Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    This thread has taken a funny turn, it's almost like some of you are insinuating she has a spending problem. She seems to be managing really well given her circumstances, a lot of people would have racked up a lot more debt that 3k given she's a mature student, no grant and unable to get a job. Id pay it back and open a savings account for both of you to put an affordable amount in each week/month.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    CarMe wrote: »
    This thread has taken a funny turn, it's almost like some of you are insinuating she has a spending problem.
    Actually the OP insinuated that she's fiscally irresponsible:
    I'm afraid that if I pay them off, she wouldn't learn from her mistakes, basically. About half the debt is an overdraft from when she lost her job and ended up going back to college, which is fine. The other half is the remainder of a loan from years ago that she should never have taken out. I'm afraid that she'll just run up the debt again during the rest of her studies, and I won't be doing her any favours in the long term.
    My girlfriend is not very good with money. If someone handed her €500 tomorrow, she'd spend it on luxury items immediately, rather than putting it towards her debt. If she is very low on money, the first thing she does is stop making repayments.
    I'm only responding based upon his description.


  • Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭wexford12


    What if by doing so he ends up causing more harm than good?

    Why? Are you entitled to it?


    What are you talking about they are ment to be a couple who are in love and since reading more of the rubbish that this guy is writing about some of the loan was for college.i REPEAT IS HE FOR REAL.
    If I was his girl friend reading this id run as fast as i could from him this whole thing shouts " control freak"
    3k and she likes spending money she would go out and blow 500quid on shopping.Welcome to the real world


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    wexford12 wrote: »
    If I was his girl friend reading this id run as fast as i could from him this whole thing shouts " control freak"
    How is not giving her a gift of money 'controlling' her? Again, I need to ask, do you think she is entitled to it?
    3k and she likes spending money she would go out and blow 500quid on shopping.Welcome to the real world
    500 quid that you don't have on shopping is the real World now?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    I know that if I came into a sum of money I would take such delight in helping out people I know - rather than buying them expensive presents I'd be shoving cash into their hands and telling them to do what they like with it whether it be paying off against loans that they either took out because they were responsible fiscally at the time or spendthrift idiots. I'd prefer to know that at some level I had made others happy in the way that they wanted rather than hedging my largess around with stipulations and judgements.

    ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ This is probably one of the only bits in the bible that is true (to me).

    The joy in giving is exactly that. If you are intending to give a present you shouldn't be analysing it - just give the damn thing. All these ifs and buts show that you really don't want to part with your hard earned inheritance so keep the damn thing squirreled away safe and sound. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭wexford12


    How is not giving her a gift of money 'controlling' her? Again, I need to ask, do you think she is entitled to it?
    Why do you need to ask that no she is not entitled to it nor was he it was left to him in a will. To me its very odd that he is wondering if he should or shouldn't pay off her very small loan. If he needs to do this much thinking keep the money.

    500 quid that you don't have on shopping is the real World now?

    Lots of people spend this kind of money on a lap top that they are using now reading this.

    giving is so much better feeling than receiving i would clear my wife's credit card lots of times or sometimes just pay some of it without even thinking about it and i would never look at that as a good deed

    A lot depends on how much money is involved has he been left 5k or 50 k will the 3k make a huge dint in the balance


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    wexford12 wrote: »
    A lot depends on how much money is involved has he been left 5k or 50 k will the 3k make a huge dint in the balance

    In total now she owes maybe 3K. With the money I have coming in, I could easily pay these off for her, but I'm reluctant to do that.


    If a relationship gets to a stage where one of the parties involved starts getting all daddylike (or mammylike) it's time to end it. A relationship should be between equals and not with one teaching the other lessons of any kind.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 369 ✭✭gud4u


    If a relationship gets to a stage where one of the parties involved starts getting all daddylike (or mammylike) it's time to end it. A relationship should be between equals and not with one teaching the other lessons of any kind.

    This is what it is really about, OP. I would ignore any sideline arguments.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    If a relationship gets to a stage where one of the parties involved starts getting all daddylike (or mammylike) it's time to end it. A relationship should be between equals and not with one teaching the other lessons of any kind.

    Exactly...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    wexford12 wrote: »
    Lots of people spend this kind of money on a lap top that they are using now reading this.
    If "lots of people" are blowing 500 Euro on a laptop rather than purchase a second-hand desktop for half the price, I'm not surprised Ireland is so broke. Negative equity anyone?
    If a relationship gets to a stage where one of the parties involved starts getting all daddylike (or mammylike) it's time to end it. A relationship should be between equals and not with one teaching the other lessons of any kind.
    I agree to a great extent, however if you are with someone who you believe has a problem, what should you do?

    For example, if you feel your other half has a drinking problem, are you going to buy them a drink or are you going to instead try to get them to deal with their issue? Or just leave them rather than "getting all daddylike"?

    Additionally, I'm not really sure how the OP is "getting all daddylike". He's not suggesting he takes control of her finances, he's only suggesting that he does not give her a chunk of his money that he fears could cause more harm than good.

    From what I can see the only way that he would be "getting all daddylike" is if she is entitled to this money from him and given some of the comments here, it appears that some here do think that.

    The OP has fears, which is why he has raised this topic. Either these fears are well founded or they're not. I've taken him at his word, but one could argue otherwise. Problem no one here, who is proposing he should pay, has actually done that. Instead his fears (the entire purpose for this personal issue) have been ignored in favour of indignant responses of what he should be doing.

    Nonetheless, whether she does have a problem or he is simply paranoid about it, it is an issue; and one which could ultimately destroy the relationship if they cannot meet each other half way on it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,222 ✭✭✭keithclancy


    Money and Relationship doesn't mix.

    If you give her the money you may inadvertantly hold it over her head when you have an argument.

    On her side she might not feel comfortable taking it from you.

    Your choice, but if your not married then I wouldn't.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Mods, can you close this thread now please? I've gotten all the replies and perspectives that I need and thanks to all involved. Most of you have given me great food for thought, and some of you have really opened my eyes with your sense of entitlement and definition of "meanness".


This discussion has been closed.
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