my daughter is a dumb ass

EScifo · 23-02-2012 11:07am #1

A bit of a rant here

but it is becoming clear to me now that my daughter is a dumb ass. I had such high hopes for her (not in terms of being anything in particular but just an intelligent curious person). She just doesn't seem to be very bright. I have tried to encourage her in every way but there just doesn't seem to be much there. I know I will get hammered here for my thoughts but I don't put pressure on her and I don't expect her to be anything in particular

She just can't seem to figure out anything on her own

I think I just have to accept her limitations but it is hard. And does accepting her being a bit slow mean that her horizons will be further curtailed. I just don't want to create any problems by having expectations of her that she can't deliver. Again it sounds like I have unreasonable expectations but I don't!

MLM1 · 23-02-2012 11:22am

Einstein was told he was stupid the whole way through his schooling, intelligence can manifest itself in ways that schools aren't designed to measure. You can't make yourself talented but you can find whats already there lying dormant waiting to show its face. The average IQ in the NFL is ridiculously low and yet they're on $10m-$20m a year, They are kinisthetic genius's but are they all "Dumb ass's"? by conventional wisdom yes they probably are but that doesn't mean they can't be successful.

tmc86 · 23-02-2012 11:26am

it is becoming clear to me now that my daughter is a dumb ass

She will be if you have an attitude like that. Kids grow into themselves at different times and ages, let her find her own way and don't immediately write her off and stunt her confidence or emotions by calling her a dumbass.

you're the dumbass in this situation.

biko · 23-02-2012 11:31am

You don't mention her age but maybe she's just lazy.
Also you don't mention what topics she's bad at.

I've a friend with a 11yo daughter I sometimes help with maths and similar homework and she will ask me the simplest questions, not because she's dumb but because she won't even attempt solving problems on her own (when I'm there).
She's doing ok in school though so I don't think there's a major issue.

I was by far the worst at maths in my class all through primary and secondary school, but was very good at it in my college.
People change.

rgunning · 23-02-2012 11:31am

MLM1 wrote: »

Einstein was told he was stupid the whole way through his schooling,

He wasn't, he was a remarkably bright student. This is a myth.

OP, I would value happiness as much as intelligence - you should ask yourself if she is happy in herself. Also, she's still developing. You probably shouldn't worry unless you feel she is at risk developmentally.

EScifo · 23-02-2012 11:33am

People love saying that to themselves but it just isn't true
Einstein called stupid in youth - FALSE!
http://www.fathom.com/feature/122174/index.html

And as for the idea of different types of intelligence - the myth of multiple intelligence
http://www.spanglefish.com/mariessite/documents/references/White%2005%20HowardGardner_171104.pdf

And as for the example of NFL players...

As I said I am not looking for success

hattoncracker · 23-02-2012 11:34am

EScifo wrote: »

A bit of a rant here

but it is becoming clear to me now that my daughter is a dumb ass. I had such high hopes for her (not in terms of being anything in particular but just an intelligent curious person). She just doesn't seem to be very bright. I have tried to encourage her in every way but there just doesn't seem to be much there. I know I will get hammered here for my thoughts but I don't put pressure on her and I don't expect her to be anything in particular

She just can't seem to figure out anything on her own

I think I just have to accept her limitations but it is hard. And does accepting her being a bit slow mean that her horizons will be further curtailed. I just don't want to create any problems by having expectations of her that she can't deliver. Again it sounds like I have unreasonable expectations but I don't!

What age is she? My sister wasn't really the brightest spark either, but now she's one helluva hairdresser. I know that probably isn't the career you had in mind for your daughter but my sister teaches, runs her own salon, and works as a manager in another one. When she finds something she likes I'm pretty sure that'll motivate her.

EScifo · 23-02-2012 11:35am

rgunning wrote: »

He wasn't, he was a remarkably bright student. This is a myth.

OP, I would value happiness as much as intelligence - you should ask yourself if she is happy in herself. Also, she's still developing. You probably shouldn't worry unless you feel she is at risk developmentally.

Yeah, I totally agree. She is not as happy as she could be at the moment - I am wondering if my expectations of her cognitive ability are perhaps contributing to this. It might be a source of strain between us. I am trying to come to terms with it so we can have the best relationship possible. This is really the basis of my rant

biko · 23-02-2012 11:36am

So what's her age and what topics?

EScifo · 23-02-2012 11:38am

11 years old soon to be 12

but I am not really worried about school although she isn't doing great in that. I am more worried about her general curiosity, problem solving etc

Part of me thinks it might be hormonal but then I have had this feeling for 2 years

rgunning · 23-02-2012 11:50am

EScifo wrote: »

11 years old soon to be 12

but I am not really worried about school although she isn't doing great in that. I am more worried about her general curiosity, problem solving etc

Part of me thinks it might be hormonal but then I have had this feeling for 2 years

If it's general curiosity, maybe she just hasn't found anything that interests her enough yet. Hobbies, sports, etc are pretty good for developing the characteristics you want to see in her, I would have thought. But you can't force her to be interested in things. Maybe try something new every week to see if it interests her?

cynder · 23-02-2012 11:54am

She is who she is, not what you want her to be.

Help her when she needs help. She must have interests, expand on those rather than focus on what she cant do.

Have you ever thought about getting her assessed? see if she has learning difficulties. You have had concerns for over 2 years, resource hours could help if she has learning dificulties. Speak to the school to see if they can arrange assessments.

I have a 5 year old with a severe speech and language disorder, but he is very clued in when it involves imagery where there is no speech and language involved. His disorder means he will have problems throughout school and maybe even into adult life. That's who he is, doesn't mean his stupid or dumb, he just works differently to many others.

I also have a 12 year old she is does excellent at school but stick her in an exam and she will seize up.

MLM1 · 23-02-2012 12:13pm

rgunning wrote: »

He wasn't, he was a remarkably bright student. This is a myth.

OP, I would value happiness as much as intelligence - you should ask yourself if she is happy in herself. Also, she's still developing. You probably shouldn't worry unless you feel she is at risk developmentally.

Ah we have a graduate from ETH Zurich class of 1895 I see :P

I'm sure your correct but it is a popular myth, no smoke without fire and all that......

OP as her parent its your duty to spark that curiosity, ask her a question that doesn't have a definite answer and see how she reasons it out, help her along and let her see the wonder of logical thought. Since I can remember my father and I have debated during pretty much every conversation we've had, no formalities or losing tempers just thinking logically and challenging each other. At 11 I didn't care, didn't feel it was important, thought it was stupid etc etc but it really does instill a natural curiosity and open mindedness that you only appreciate when you get a bit older (I'm 18 so not exactly an OAP as of yet).

Throw random s**t at your daughter "If you got shrunk to 100 times smaller than you are now and found yourself in a blender that was going to be turned on in 60 seconds what would you do?". Believe it or not that is a question that Goldman Sachs ask potential interns, its not about the destination its about the journey. There is no correct answer but you can think logically about it.

BengaLover · 24-02-2012 9:06am

At 11 going on 12, Im afraid girls heads are full of fluff! I understand you are posting that out of sheer frustration, but you wont beleive the difference a year or two will make...:D
Of course, at 14, 16, etc, her head will always be full of fluff, its a girl thing, but try looking at her from a different perspective - is she a kind person, is she honest, does she have strong opinions?
If you can find good gualities like that im sure they will only grow as time goes on.
I bet when secondary school starts it will be a whole new challenge, and new interest may be sparked.
Dont put her on an academc pedestal - you will have a mindset of failure if you do.

Moonbeam · 24-02-2012 9:49am

I thin that is an awful opinion to have of your daughter and I really hope you are not that negative towards her.
If you tell a child they are stupid they will come to believe it.
Does she have confidence issues? is she depressed?
Does she have a learning problem? if so bring her to your gp.

tfitzgerald · 24-02-2012 9:56am

Op I can't believe your post . Maybe she looks and acts dumbass because she finds the people around her stupid

Neyite · 24-02-2012 10:10am

My mother assumed the same as you OP. That I wasnt "academic" as I was a bit of a dreamer as a child. This meant that my "academic" siblings got all the encouragement to pursue their subjects in school, got extra grinds and she paid for the extra study time for them. It would have been "wasted" on me in her opinion. There was a career I really wanted to study but the subjects for CAO werent in my school and the parents didnt see why I wanted to change to another school to do these subjects. 15 years later my mother acknowledged that they should have let me change schools to do that subject :rolleyes:

They even thought there was no point in sending me to college and put pressure on me to do something else because they were finding it tough to support my brother and myself through third level. So I left after a year and went working. I was a bit slow to learn (possibly undiagnosed discalcula) but I'm smart, and a hard worker once I find something I'm passionate about. My siblings all now have professional careers in medicine, or IT and are comfortably off. I work in an admin role and earn a fraction of what they do, and it still rankles with me that I was never given the same chance as them.

Start with getting your daughter assessed professionally. Then offer her the help with whatever she decides she wants to do. Dont write her off before she even becomes a teenager.

The Lovely Muffin · 24-02-2012 1:42pm

Moonbeam wrote: »

I thin that is an awful opinion to have of your daughter and I really hope you are not that negative towards her.
If you tell a child they are stupid they will come to believe it.
Does she have confidence issues? is she depressed?
Does she have a learning problem? if so bring her to your gp.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

OP, like your daughter, I am a bit slow and I'm not an academic (I left school early due to severe bullying problems, but will hopefully return to education at some point), but I would horrified and insulted if my mother spoke to me or about me the way you speak about your daughter in your OP. You should be ashamed to speak about your daughter like that, in my opinion.

I have never been assessed for any developmental problems, but I would get tested if I thought I needed it.

If you think your daughter may need to be assessed then you need to go to your GP.

Ayla · 24-02-2012 1:51pm

EScifo wrote: »

but it is becoming clear to me now that my daughter is a dumb ass....She just doesn't seem to be very bright. I have tried to encourage her in every way but there just doesn't seem to be much there.

This makes me so sad for your child. With support like yours, who needs friends? I really hope that she never sees this thread and finds out how you railed & belitttled her for the wide world to read.

What were you hoping in starting this thread? Others who also feel free to insult and demean their children?

How very sad for your child. I hope she finds a way to overcome the "support" structure she lives with so she can prove that she's a bright and amazing woman in her own unique way.

Cat Melodeon · 24-02-2012 2:40pm

Have you given her opportunities to discover things she might be interested in?

Have you encouraged her to read and limited the amount of tv she watches?

Have you taught her how to have proper conversations and demonstrated the benefits of being curious about the world?

If you've done all this and she is still unresponsive, it's possible she has a learning difficulty. Of course, it is also possible that she just isn't interested in what you are interested in, in which case you should probably concentrate on the things that bring her happiness, even if they are in some way beneath your own standards. Calling her a dumb ass probably isn't something that would make her happy. You might want to get over that.

iguana · 24-02-2012 5:11pm

EScifo wrote: »

She is not as happy as she could be at the moment - I am wondering if my expectations of her cognitive ability are perhaps contributing to this.

I suspect that not only are your expectations contributing to her unhappiness but that they are also a part of the problem wit her 'dumb assery.' Just think about it yourself for two minutes. How in the world would the child feel comfortable expressing any curiosity she might feel when she is with a parent who she knows is disappointed in her intelligence? Children who are constantly worried about asking the wrong question or giving the wrong answer have a tendency to avoid asking questions or find themselves unable to respond properly when asked a question.

Sure, she mightn't be the brightest child in the world anyway, not everyone can be. But you need to decide whether you want her to be the type of person who makes the most of what talents she has or someone who is too afraid of trying anything and lives her life sad and unfulfilled. Because with your attitude toward her, she is likely to be the latter.

Lighten up on the poor child, encourage her without pushing her and make sure that she knows you could never be disappointed in her for anything she really tries at nor for having no interest in certain subjects. Let her get comfortable with herself and with you and you never know, she might surprise you.

implausible · 25-02-2012 3:22pm

BengaLover wrote: »

At 11 going on 12, Im afraid girls heads are full of fluff!

I'll probably be killed for this, but what you've posted can be quite true. As a secondary teacher, I am often dumbfounded by the stuff teenagers come out with. However, it is rarely due to being a 'dumbass'. I have one 15 year old in one class who regularly comes out with ridiculous comments and comes across as a complete idiot. However, she is most pleasant girl you could meet and when it comes to exams/homework, she takes everything on board and regularly comes out top of her class. The problem is that she just doesn't think before she speaks or it's easier to ask the teacher than figure it out herself. She is far from the only one and laziness or 'I can't be bothered' is the usual cause. I have had students tell me that it is my job to look up a word they don't understand in a text (the response to that is a dictionary landing on the table:D)

Many teenagers can be quite ignorant about the world around them - they don't watch any tv that isn't entertainment, spend most of their time on facebook or gossiping with friends and have no interest in anything that doesn't affect them directly. If they really need to know something, they can just google it and this contributes to the laziness associated with teenagers.

Now, that is just a general rant, but OP, you would really need to give some examples of how your daughter is a 'dumbass' if you want help. Otherwise, you are just going to get lambasted on here for describing your daughter in such a derogatory way. There is a huge difference between a pre-teen who doesn't know or care where Iraq is on a map and a child who is falling way behind her peers in Maths and is reading at an age way below her level.

m'lady · 26-02-2012 3:12pm

While I really do not agree with calling your daughter a 'dumbass' and I sincerely hope you do not call it to her face, I have to say I kinda understand where you are coming from, although you have not given any examples??

I have an 11 year old, who is doing well in school, but hell when I am talking to her I sometimes (I stress sometimes!) feel that she has the concentration level of a goldfish! I agree with the poster who said girls of that age heads are full of fluff I really do.
Their hormones are everywhere, they are growing from a child to a teenager, they feel the world is against them,that adults are generally stupid and everything embarrasses them!

I do think we need to support them as best we can, I have a friend who has an adult daughter now, and she maintains the best thing is to completely ignore it. I know this is easier said than done when you feel like banging your head with frustration, but try!

I wouldn't call your daughter names like 'dumbass' I don't think its going to achieve anything at all, and lets be honest-its not very nice, is it?!

up for anything · 27-02-2012 10:29pm

BengaLover wrote: »

At 11 going on 12, Im afraid girls heads are full of fluff! I understand you are posting that out of sheer frustration, but you wont beleive the difference a year or two will make...:D
Of course, at 14, 16, etc, her head will always be full of fluff, its a girl thing

Ah that's alright so, don't be worrying, OP. You'll find her a nice husband and as long as she can take her mind off daytime tv to cook his dinner she'll be grand.

paperclip2 · 28-02-2012 10:46am

OP kids are remarkably perceptive, even if they aren't 'smart'. If this is how you see your daughter there is a good chance that she feels it to some degree. This could be having a negative impact on her confidence when it comes to discussing things with you or even being open to exploring ideas with you.

Lots of parents want their kids to be high achievers but even the brightest need encouragement and support to fully develop. Making your peace with where she is at in terms of her intellectual development and appreciating her for what she can do is a good start.

kwoods · 28-02-2012 10:52am

Read Stephen Pinker's "the blank slate" he argues nature is a far bigger factor than nurture. So we are what we are. Some of us are dumbasses, some of us are geniuses and its far more to do with the particular genetic makeup (a massively random process) we get rather than parenting.

Which is a liberating idea. Parents can relax, do their best, but they're ultimately not responsible for how the child ends up (except obviously in extreme cases, abuse, neglect etc)

silly · 28-02-2012 11:58am

Calling your own child a dumbass is a horrible thing to say!!

Try encouraging her to excell in the things she is interested in instead of coming online to complain about her.

jimgoose · 28-02-2012 12:05pm

A "dumbass"? An 11-year-old girl, with, like all the rest of them, her head full of Jedward and Facebook and clothes and peer-pressure? Are you actually serious, man?? Who died and made you a theoretical physicist? As the hoops-of-fire that is the almighty Points System get ever higher and more difficult this ridiculous pressure to be "Bright" and to "Achieve" is slowly turning everyone into an idiot. Starting with the adults.

EScifo · 28-02-2012 12:09pm

thanks for some good advice and of course this being the internet, tons of terrible contributions

I think it was clear from my original post that I support my daughter and would never ever demean her. What I might say in frustration to people in a semi confidential situation is totally different.

I also am unsurprised that people failed to read my post
I do not put any pressure on her to succeed in a certain field or anything like that
If she wants to be a quilt designer or something like that, fine by me as long as she is committed to it

My point was solely on how to deal with the fact that she does not seem to be able to think for herself, display curiosity or seem to have any great cognitive ability. I need to recognise that and move on.

cynder · 28-02-2012 12:42pm

EScifo wrote: »

My point was solely on how to deal with the fact that she does not seem to be able to think for herself, display curiosity or seem to have any great cognitive ability. I need to recognise that and move on.

Has she been assessed for a learning disability?

If not it may be an idea to talk to her school about getting her assessed.

kate.m · 28-02-2012 12:52pm

11 year olds have interests, I would believe that your daughter does too
Help her find it. Seriously reading or cooking, anything. Even music.
Have you asked what she would like to do in her spare time?

Quite often it's extra curricular activities that can help with personal development. Sports are good for special awareness too. You can't expect her entire development from sitting in a classroom.

Also, to that pointless comment about girls heads being full of *fluff* - you clearly know very little about teenage girls.
They always act one way and think another. These comments and feigned interests that lead people to misconceptions such as yours are usually there to allow for better peer interaction. I used to always wonder why the girls in my own year acted like well, idiots. It's an interaction thing. The same girls got straight As and Bs. I guess acting smart didn't suit their image.

my daughter is a dumb ass

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