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Dating someone with a young child

  • 06-08-2011 4:07pm
    #1
    ShizDink
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭


    I really like someone who has a 4 year old child and my Mum thinks its a bad idea to get into a relationship with someone who has a child (which is ironic because my parents split up when I was 4 so she has been in the situation herself). The cons I've come up with myself are that maybe the child won't like me. The mother of the child is very good looking and him having contact with her may feed on my insecuritys (stupid reason I know). I want to have children and I'd like for the experience of my first child being someone elses first child too. I'd feel like I was intruding on an already built family. Pros are he is a lovely lad :) and his ex seems dead on as well. I've asked a couple of people I know who have dated others with children and a lot of the responses are don't do it. Some haven't seen it as an issue. I see the child as a bond between him and his ex :( Any experiences in this and advice welcome! :)


Comments

  • #2
    Moomoo1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    the only issue I can see is that they can get back together because of the child

    why did they split up?


  • #3
    delousional
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭delousional


    Ya I don't think it should be issue either, even though I do see where you're coming from.
    My only issue would be a tiny bit of insecurity, as they have a child together - I'd be concerned that they'd get back together.
    But if that isn't an option, and the ex is nice, go for it!


  • #4
    ShizDink
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭ShizDink


    I don't know why they split up and it has been about 3 or 4 years so I don't think they will get back together. Saying that I have friends who have split from their childs other parent and then got back together years later :/ I saw a photo of them altogether with his parents and brothers at Christmas. Basically a lovely family Christmas photo, with the ex in it. Is this the norm? does the ex stay in the family if a child is involved? My parents couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other.


  • #5
    liz2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭liz2


    well im a single mom with kids, split from the ex 2 years ago and for me, there'd be no chance whatsoever of us getting back. i dont even mix with his family. we didnt have a bad breakup but we're both just getting on with our own lives. every situation is different of course :)


  • #6
    LoveCoffee11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭LoveCoffee11


    Hey Op,

    I'm a single mother with a young daughter, the break up with my ex wasnt a good one. There is no feelings left there at all and no way we would ever get back together. But now we get on well for the sake of our daughter. My family would include him in events, and his sister and mother would still ring me and I'd see them etc. I guess there is a connection there and we all need to live with that, I think its much better to just get on with things then hold a grudge. Thankfully our families have adapted to that.
    I've recently started to see a lovely guy and I'm just taking it slowly. So my advice would be if you like him to go for it!

    Hope it works out!

    xx


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Don’t do it.

    Been there, done that. Everybody warned me, but I said the same, “ah, he is a nice lad, his child is cute” etc. Indeed his child was adorable and so was he. But the troubles, the nightmares, the heartache, gosh, I wish it never had happened.

    The ex, which at first was “very friendly”, became a constant problem, calling at all times and changing our plans to fit hers (and since “children always come first”, he will listen to her. Also, men don’t want hassle with the ex).

    Then, you will love him more than anything, and will want to make him happy. But you won’t be his first priority. I never understood this concept really until much later. Be prepared to have your illusions, plans, rights, feelings, walked on and destroyed. And to be called selfish if you say complain.


    It doesn’t seem this bad in the beginning, but it’s just a matter of time.

    Best of luck.


  • #8
    wayhey
    Registered Users Posts: 527 ✭✭✭wayhey


    Usually I hate when people break posts down like this :pac: But I think it'll make it easier here.
    ShizDink wrote:
    I really like someone who has a 4 year old child and my Mum thinks its a bad idea to get into a relationship with someone who has a child (which is ironic because my parents split up when I was 4 so she has been in the situation herself).

    Not being sarcastic, genuinely, how old are you? If you're a mature adult, then go ahead and do what makes you happy. Regardless of irony though, your mum has a lot of experience with this. If it was me I'd take into account her advice, but bear in mind that she is coming from a different angle. Does she have a new partner you could talk to? How it was for him to go out with a single parent?
    ShizDink wrote:
    The cons I've come up with myself are that maybe the child won't like me.
    You're absolutely right, it is a risk. But I think so long as you respect the child's unique relationship with its parents then there'll be no problems. I think it should take time (months) before you have anything resembling any regular presence in the child's life. There's no reason for you to even meet with the child until you know both of you are serious- there's no point for all that drama, for you or the child.
    ShizDink wrote:
    The mother of the child is very good looking and him having contact with her may feed on my insecuritys
    It's really non-negotiable that this woman is in this man's life. You'll have to nip that insecurity in the bud right now if you have any shot at a long-term relationship. I know that's easier said than done. I don't think you'd be intruding though if you're careful about integrating into this child's life. Test the waters by yourselves, then slowly enter the child's life casually, maybe when he/she is playing outside or something, as a good friend of Daddy's. You'll have to be gentle and very patient.
    ShizDink wrote:
    I want to have children and I'd like for the experience of my first child being someone elses first child too. I'd feel like I was intruding on an already built family.
    Is he a responsible dad? That's an admirable trait and surely you're better off having children with such a proven man instead of a "first time dad" for the "sake" of it? Good dads are good dads, end of, it shouldn't prevent either of you loving a child any more/less!
    ShizDink wrote:
    Pros are he is a lovely lad :) and his ex seems dead on as well. I've asked a couple of people I know who have dated others with children and a lot of the responses are don't do it. Some haven't seen it as an issue. I see the child as a bond between him and his ex :( Any experiences in this and advice welcome! :)
    I think it's normal to be a little apprehensive about the situation. Clearly you're weighing it up and thinking it out, so you're obviously not completely naive about the sensitivity of the situation. Take it slowly, talk it out with him before you start anything so both of your intentions are clear, maybe set ground rules about the child (e.g. 'X' amount of weeks until introduction). I only say that to prevent both of ye getting into a whirlwind romance and being very relaxed about the child.

    I hope it works out for you, either way :) Good luck :)


  • #9
    silly
    Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭silly


    I don't see a problem with dating a single dad, some people have good experiences, and other's have really bad, like a poster above.
    I went out with a guy a few yrs ago, who had a son, he was still on very friendly terms with the mother, but it didn't prove to be any problem with us. We broke up for different reasons.
    But I am a single mother, and I will NEVER get back with my ex... Ever.

    Every situation is different.
    There is no harm is giving it a go.


  • #10
    ShizDink
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭ShizDink


    wayhey wrote: »
    Not being sarcastic, genuinely, how old are you? If you're a mature adult, then go ahead and do what makes you happy. Regardless of irony though, your mum has a lot of experience with this. If it was me I'd take into account her advice, but bear in mind that she is coming from a different angle. Does she have a new partner you could talk to? How it was for him to go out with a single parent?

    :) you sort of asked and answered the question about my mum at the same time. I'm taking her opinion on board because of her experience. No, she doesn't have a current partner to ask.

    Judging by the answers every situation will be completely different. 50/50 sort of chance. I'm too old to be taking chances like that :/ saying that any relationship could be a 50/50 chance, child or no child. Still don't know what to do.


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