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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #1862
    folan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭folan


    My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand


  • #1863
    CommonNameDave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2 ✭CommonNameDave


    What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
    .
    .
    .
    Well, that's another load off of my chest!


  • #1864
    stateofflux
    Registered Users Posts: 1,563 ✭✭✭stateofflux


    couple of bob monkhouse gems..

    "I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

    "I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "


  • #1865
    keano_afc
    Registered Users Posts: 8,711 ✭✭✭keano_afc


    I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.


  • #1866
    Penn
    Registered Users Posts: 33,191 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers


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  • #1867
    Brendog
    Registered Users Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭Brendog


    "I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."

    "Dadthespacebuttononmyphoneisfaultypleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."


    "As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"


  • #1868
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

    They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #1869
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

    It's boring.


  • #1870
    Carra23
    Registered Users Posts: 476 ✭✭Carra23


    You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye


  • #1871
    sensibleken
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,650 ✭✭✭sensibleken


    Why did god invent dominos pizza?

    To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen


    -Neil Hamburger, last night


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  • #1872
    bemak
    Registered Users Posts: 867 ✭✭✭bemak


    A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

    I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

    As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"


  • #1873
    D_murph
    Registered Users Posts: 773 ✭✭✭D_murph


    What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?

    A Wii fit!!

    :D


  • #1874
    ilovelamp2000
    Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?










    Killed in a tunnel.


  • #1875
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I remember watching Wayne Rooney in the world cup and thinking, you fat head you couldn’t score in a brothel.






    Just shows how much I know about football.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #1876
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    My mother-in-law was killed in an horrific accident involving the washing machine, ah well at least she died in comfort!


  • #1877
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

    The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?






    Apparently, it's Africa.

    ________________________

    One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.





    It appears that Northsiders and Pikeys is not the correct answer

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #1878
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    I was busy having sex with the wife when I felt a tap on my shoulder.I hate ****ing in the bath.


  • #1879
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.











    She went fookin bananas.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #1880
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

    They tell you


  • #1881
    gleep
    Registered Users Posts: 692 ✭✭✭gleep


    There's a new diet sweeping Pakistan




    It's called the swimfast diet


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  • #1882
    Comer1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,018 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Sadly, a friend of mine committed suiside last week by drinking a tin of varnish.




    He had a terrible end but a beautiful finish!


  • #1883
    CarrickMcJoe
    Registered Users Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    dyslexic gets mixed up between his sleeping tablets and viagra..

    Ended up going for 40 ****!


  • #1884
    ilovelamp2000
    Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    I got stopped by a market researcher while out and about, she asked me what grooming products do I currently use.


    I told her Haribo and High School Musical usually do the trick.


  • #1885
    CarrickMcJoe
    Registered Users Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    Goin into B & Q , guy asked me "Do you want decking?"

    Just as well I was faster!


  • #1886
    Dennis the Stone
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭Dennis the Stone


    jc77 wrote: »
    Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

    It's boring.

    Tribune:

    a0V5A.jpg


  • #1887
    harbel
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭harbel


    Cant keep Cork Down!


  • #1888
    Podman
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Podman


    Up Down


  • #1889
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Me and my wife's favourite sexual position is called the "Man City in Europe."

    Neither of us know what we are doing or why we are there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage.

    There's dribbling and never a clean sheet, it's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another fookin year before it happens again.



    P.S.

    If you are "City till you die" there are clinics for that these days in Switzerland!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #1890
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A big well done and congratulations to my missus for managing the amazing feat of getting a black belt in cookery.










    The only woman on Facebook that can kill a man with one chop!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #1891
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Last night, my missus rubbed Coffee Granules all over my c*ck...






    ... I came in an instant.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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