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Getting engaged

13

Comments

  • #62
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    Probably because he said he was going to do it. So she waited and took him at his word and then the year he said he would do it in was up?

    The OP said that he had planned on proposing THIS year. She has not been waiting a year for him to propose. The last time I checked it was still the 28th of February, this year has only started!! :)

    I still think the OP has every right to feel backed into a corner. She has no right to demand an engagement, they are only going out 6 years - she is 28, not 38, they are still young. Jees, even Prince William + Catherine were dating for longer than that before they got married! And he proposed to her when she was 28 or 29! Going out 6 years before getting engaged is usually the norm. The OP said he wanted to do it this year but now she's after going ahead and screwing it all up by being ridiculous, instead of discussing it like a mature adult at which point he would have reassured her and said that it was gonna happen soon. Instead she throws a strop and dumps him. That is no way to go into a marriage.


  • #63
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    She has no right to demand an engagement, they are only going out 6 years - she is 28, not 38, they are still young.

    Ah in fairness, she hasn't actually demanded an engagement. She has ended the relationship because she felt it wasn't going in the direction she wanted it to go. That is entirely her choice.

    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Jees, even Prince William + Catherine were dating for longer than that before they got married! And he proposed to her when she was 28 or 29!

    Seriously? We're basing our own relationships on those of the royal family?

    OK so, Kate was 2 months shy of her 29th birthday when she got engaged in November 2010. William was 28. When they got married in August 2011, she was 29 and he was 2 months shy of his 29th birthday.

    I'm sorry but the royals should not be the benchmark for this woman's relationship. This isn't about how long other people have been together. The OP's exgirlfriend is 28 and feels that 6 years was long enough to wait for him to show her that he meant it when he said he wanted to get married.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Going out 6 years before getting engaged is usually the norm.

    Says who? Who on earth are you or I or the royal family (:rolleyes:) to decide what is normal here? The OP's ex obviously felt that she had waited as long as she was prepared to.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    The OP said he wanted to do it this year but now she's after going ahead and screwing it all up by being ridiculous,

    She knew nothing about it! The OP didn't tell her it was going to be this year, he has admitted himself that he didn't put a time frame on it.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    instead of discussing it like a mature adult at which point he would have reassured her and said that it was gonna happen soon.

    Reassured her like he has done already? By not giving her any sort of idea as to when its actually going to happen? There is only so much of that someone can take. Telling someone "soon", and not for the first time, isn't going to cut it if you want to move forward to your relationship. I have been in this girl's position and I can tell you tinkerbell, it is really not pleasant to feel like that man that you want to call your husband doesn't want to make that commitment to you.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Instead she throws a strop and dumps him. That is no way to go into a marriage.

    She made the decision to end the relationship. You seem to be painting this girl as some unreasonable drama queen. She is entitled to end this relationship if it is no longer making her happy.

    Given his obvious lack of communication with his ex on this matter you should perhaps take a look at his behaviour while casting aspersions on hers.


  • #64
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Chinafoot, I'm not setting a benchmark here based on the royal's getting married, it was merely an example that when you're in your 20s, generally you are going out for at least 6 years before you get engaged. All of my friends in their 20s who have gotten engaged have all been going out at least 6 years. Granted I can't speak for everyone, but that is the norm for all the people I know! In my wide circle of friends, there is only 1 out of all these who got engaged shorter in that time and they are a good few years older than the rest of us (in their 30s so it makes more sense to have a shorter courtship shall we say).

    And I'm not "deciding" what's normal either. She is refusing to even talk about things. It would be different if she had wanted to talk about it and he said no way and fobbed her off. But all she had to do was bring up the subject again! There's nothing wrong with talking about these things regularly when you are going out that long to make sure you both are still heading in the same direction.

    You have your opinion, I have mine - I think his gf acted unfairly. If she wanted to make the relationship work, they could've had a reasonable chat about it and discussed SERIOUSLY a timeframe. Perhaps the OP could've dealt with things differently but making the OP feel now like he's backed into a corner is not a very nice way to start out the whole proposal thing. If she wants to end the relationship then that's her call. There's nothing the OP can do about it and that's that!

    Anyway, I don't want to go off-topic so I'll leave it at that. We're both entitled to our opinions! :)


  • #65
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Chinafoot, I'm not setting a benchmark here based on the royal's getting married, it was merely an example that when you're in your 20s, generally you are going out for at least 6 years before you get engaged. All of my friends in their 20s who have gotten engaged have all been going out at least 6 years. Granted I can't speak for everyone, but that is the norm for all the people I know! In my wide circle of friends, there is only 1 out of all these who got engaged shorter in that time and they are a good few years older than the rest of us (in their 30s so it makes more sense to have a shorter courtship shall we say).

    And they are together 6 years, the minimum that you deem normal.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    It would be different if she had wanted to talk about it and he said no way and fobbed her off. But all she had to do was bring up the subject again!

    Being told "soon" becomes being told no way and being fobbed off when you hear it enough times.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    There's nothing wrong with talking about these things regularly when you are going out that long to make sure you both are still heading in the same direction.

    I agree completely, but not setting a timeframe when you know how important it is to your other half isn't being mature. The OP needs to look at himself in this instead of the blame being placed firmly on the shoulders of the ex who, by the sounds of things, had simply had enough. I'm not saying she's a saint, but having been in her situation I know how hurtful, frustrating and soul-destroying it cab be to feel like you've just wasted 6 years of your life with someone who doesn't feel the same as you. For all we know this woman may want to start a family in the next couple of years. Hanging on for a proposal when she has absolutely no way to know when it is coming doesn't really work when your clock starts ticking.
    tinkerbell wrote: »
    You have your opinion, I have mine - I think his gf acted unfairly. If she wanted to make the relationship work, they could've had a reasonable chat about it and discussed SERIOUSLY a timeframe. Perhaps the OP could've dealt with things differently but making the OP feel now like he's backed into a corner is not a very nice way to start out the whole proposal thing. If she wants to end the relationship then that's her call. There's nothing the OP can do about it and that's that!

    Well by the sounds of things, for the ex there is no whole proposal thing. The OP himself said that they have discussed it and that he never gave her a time frame. If he wanted to make the relationship work why didn't he tell her it would be this year? Why hasn't he gone to her home and told her he wants to marry her? He was planning to do it anyway, whats stopping him now? This backed into a corner stuff is rubbish. If hes going to let her go out of some misplaced sense of pride instead of realising that she's had enough and he could have done more in the communication department himself, then the relationship being over is the right move for both of them.

    If he genuinely wants to marry her then he should tell her. Otherwise he should forget her and let her find someone who wants the same things she does.


  • #66
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    I would guess she has spoken to him more than once already about it.


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  • #67
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    It's a leap year, isn't that the tradition when women are supposed to propose to men? Instead though your girlfriend decides she'd be better throwing the toys out of her pram and acting like a child. A really horrible trait to see in a person, especially the person you love. Tough situation for you now OP, I'd be very worried that this girl felt a piece of paper is more important then your love.


  • #68
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The OPs gf isn't "throwing her toys out of the pram and acting like a child"; she's clearly a woman who has reached the end of the line trying, and failing, to communicate with her OH. Worried that a piece of paper is worth more than his love? How about worried that love can't even accomodate a piece of paper, if that's all it is?
    Noone leaves a 6 year relationship on a whim, she would have thought long and hard about this. Love isn't all fireworks& romance, there's a lot of love in giving someone stability in a relationship, marriage is clearly important to her, and the OP has chosen to be blind to this.
    Plus, silly as it sounds, there's probably the added element of peer pressure, whereby she feels devalued& worthless if her friends'/relatives are getting married& the OP isn't really that pushed one way or another. Love is a fine word, but sometimes it needs to be acted on in a more "solid" way, advanced to the next level if you will. Ask any LTR couple who've gotten married, and they'll say, they don't know why, and they didn't expect it, but marriage has made them more secure& they feel stronger with it, they're often surprised at the change.


  • #69
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    llkkjd wrote: »
    The OPs gf isn't "throwing her toys out of the pram and acting like a child"; she's clearly a woman who has reached the end of the line trying, and failing, to communicate with her OH. Worried that a piece of paper is worth more than his love? How about worried that love can't even accomodate a piece of paper, if that's all it is?
    Noone leaves a 6 year relationship on a whim, she would have thought long and hard about this. Love isn't all fireworks& romance, there's a lot of love in giving someone stability in a relationship, marriage is clearly important to her, and the OP has chosen to be blind to this.
    Plus, silly as it sounds, there's probably the added element of peer pressure, whereby she feels devalued& worthless if her friends'/relatives are getting married& the OP isn't really that pushed one way or another. Love is a fine word, but sometimes it needs to be acted on in a more "solid" way, advanced to the next level if you will. Ask any LTR couple who've gotten married, and they'll say, they don't know why, and they didn't expect it, but marriage has made them more secure& they feel stronger with it, they're often surprised at the change.[/QUOTE]

    +1 Excellent post! And your other ones were spot on as well.

    I dated my husband for 7 years before we got married. My OH proposed to me and after we got married our relationship DID change. We did feel different and felt more solidified. I agree with that bolded statement, it does make a HUGE difference. We both were suprised about the change. Prior to our marriage we felt like a solid couple that do love and care for each other. We even referred to each other as husband and wife but when we actually became husband and wife it did really bring us closer together and move our relationship to the next level so to speak.

    From reading some of your responses OP, I am beginning to think you have the communication problem and you are stalling the process. Your responses do sound vague and ambiguous. You either want to marry her or you don't....end of discussion. There is no such a thing as the good time or place- just go and do it. I came home early from work and walked in on my OH practising his proposal in front of a mirror! When I said yes to him from the doorway, he almost died from shock as he was not expecting me to be there! So there was no romantic dinner or some weekend getaway to Paris. So, if you can see your gf as your wife than just do it! Ask her to marry you. If not, than cut your losses and move on.


  • #70
    Boskowski
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,361 ✭✭✭Boskowski


    Its the most amazing thing how so many women live their life according to some sort of master plan, some ritual. Which seems almost more important to them than life itself. Age 25 do this, age 30 tick off that. "I love that guy to bits, I know he loves me too, he's the one, but I'm 28 now and he hasn't popped the question, I'm not hanging around". wtf? Women (mostly women anyway) seem perfectly able to live for donkeys in a loving, happy relationship and then question everything or even throw it all away because 'its not going anywhere'. Like how is it not going anywhere? Going where exactly? You're bloody well together as a loving and living couple. What else is there to be had anyway? You're perfectly able to have a house and kids and stay together forever without that cert. The same way you're perfectly able to cheat and hate and throw it all away one year after your dream wedding.
    Who cares what others think or what the norm or the expectation is? Isn't it the love and the relationship that counts?


  • #71
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Boskowski wrote: »
    Its the most amazing thing how so many women live their life according to some sort of master plan, some ritual. Which seems almost more important to them than life itself. Age 25 do this, age 30 tick off that. "I love that guy to bits, I know he loves me too, he's the one, but I'm 28 now and he hasn't popped the question, I'm not hanging around". wtf? Women (mostly women anyway) seem perfectly able to live for donkeys in a loving, happy relationship and then question everything or even throw it all away because 'its not going anywhere'. Like how is it not going anywhere? Going where exactly? You're bloody well together as a loving and living couple. What else is there to be had anyway? You're perfectly able to have a house and kids and stay together forever without that cert. The same way you're perfectly able to cheat and hate and throw it all away one year after your dream wedding.
    Who cares what others think or what the norm or the expectation is? Isn't it the love and the relationship that counts?

    Its ok for people to want to get married. A lot of people want to be married before having kids and there is nothing wrong with that... She wanted to be married to him - again there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe its to start a family but no matter what her reason she is entitled to have a reason. Just because marriage means nothing to you doesnt mean there is something wrtong with people who want it...

    Girls in general are more conscious of time passing mainly if / when they want to have kids as time is ultimately a womans enemy in that regard. On top of the physical restrictions, media and the medical profession do scare the bejaysus out of women of a certain age with regard possible fertility issues and a lot of women dont want to take any chances especially if they are in a settled relationship. Because men dont have the same time constraints for having a family, quite often they dont feel the pressure of time passing. Women, who have made their wishes to get married and have kids with a guy can get frustrated when he expects them to hang round for longer than necessary thus potentially causing fertility problems (due to age) when / if they do try to have kids...

    I do think there can be a social element for some women but I also think it goes deeper than that and is normally down to the womans desire to settle with one man, feel security and to start a family. I know marriages can break down but a lot dont and a lot of people get the security they want within the institution of marriage..

    His gf got sick of waiting for him to make a move and to give her what she wants so she moved on and she is very right...


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  • #72
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    Sadly I was at a funeral at the weekend of a young man who passed away. He had a girlfriend and while she was mentioned and obviously at the funeral she really had no part in decision making or the funeral mass. When eulogys were read they were focused on the family and their loss. I dont think it was a deliberate attempt to leave her out, but she was only the girlfriend not a fiancee or wife. This is something that couples who arent considering marriage really need to be aware of. What happens if your oh is not listed as your next of kin, presumably your family/siblings will be deemed to be next of kin. All decision making is theres, if there are assets left behind and no will is made then they are set to inherit. You could own a house with your oh and if something happened to him/her their share could be left to his family. What happens if one of you are have a serious accident/illness who makes the decisions around care, aftercare, even life support?

    You can get on really well with your ohs family and trust they would never treat you wrong in such a situation but it does happen, people act differently when grief stricken and stressed.


  • #73
    Jerry Jordan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26 ✭Jerry Jordan


    Maybe im mad but I think 6 years is a very long time to be with someone and not be married or engaged. (If marriage is both something u wanted). She has just got fed up waiting and she is entitled to move on and meet a man who wants to get moving on a future together.
    I guess ur only options are move on or grovel.#
    I was married at 26 after only six months of being an item. When you know you know. If you need six yrears to be sure theres something wrong. If your saving for a wedding for a few years thats fine but if your still unsure at that stage get out.


  • #74
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    llkkjd wrote: »
    The OPs gf isn't "throwing her toys out of the pram and acting like a child"; she's clearly a woman who has reached the end of the line trying, and failing, to communicate with her OH. Worried that a piece of paper is worth more than his love? How about worried that love can't even accomodate a piece of paper, if that's all it is?
    Noone leaves a 6 year relationship on a whim, she would have thought long and hard about this. Love isn't all fireworks& romance, there's a lot of love in giving someone stability in a relationship, marriage is clearly important to her, and the OP has chosen to be blind to this.
    Plus, silly as it sounds, there's probably the added element of peer pressure, whereby she feels devalued& worthless if her friends'/relatives are getting married& the OP isn't really that pushed one way or another. Love is a fine word, but sometimes it needs to be acted on in a more "solid" way, advanced to the next level if you will. Ask any LTR couple who've gotten married, and they'll say, they don't know why, and they didn't expect it, but marriage has made them more secure& they feel stronger with it, they're often surprised at the change.


    She didn't get what she wanted in a timely manner so has now decided to end it/blackmail him into proposing. It's extremely childish behaviour. If marriage/engagement is so important and such a big deal I've no idea why she didn't propose herself, that way she would have gotten her answer one way or the other. I agree with you on the peer pressure thing, it does sound silly. Acting because of peer pressure is exactly what you'd expect from a teenager, not a grown women but as I said most of this girls actions have shown her to be very immature.


  • #75
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    She didn't get what she wanted in a timely manner so has now decided to end it/blackmail him into proposing. It's extremely childish behaviour. If marriage/engagement is so important and such a big deal I've no idea why she didn't propose herself, that way she would have gotten her answer one way or the other. I agree with you on the peer pressure thing, it does sound silly. Acting because of peer pressure if exactly what you'd expect from a teenager, not a grown women but as I said most of this girls actions have shown her to be very immature.
    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    It's a leap year, isn't that the tradition when women are supposed to propose to men? Instead though your girlfriend decides she'd be better throwing the toys out of her pram and acting like a child. A really horrible trait to see in a person, especially the person you love. Tough situation for you now OP, I'd be very worried that this girl felt a piece of paper is more important then your love.

    Totally agree! And I'm a woman. I'd be horrified if any of my friends, or any of my male friends girlfriends, behaved like this. I'd be thinking a lot about whether you want to end up with someone who behaves like this.  I can't believe the hard time you are getting over this OP!  And I'd have zero time for anyone who is influenced by other people getting engaged, I mean come on!  It's like "all the other kids have a new toy, and I want one NOW - and if I don't get it, I'm off"!  FFS, priorities all wrong!

    If you love her enough to forgive the needless dramatics, then go for it.  But I can't see a way where your engagement/wedding day won't have a taste of her strop for at least the near future.  If there is even a hint of such little princess behaviour in other areas, I'd say run for the hills; you don't need the drama, and she can find her happiness with someone who panders to her strops.  And as for rewarding this behaviour with roses and weekends away, spare me!!


  • #76
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sturge wrote: »
    Thats what I'm thinking, tells me a lot about what I could be in for in the future!! Thing is she generally isn't like that normally.

    Well some can complain that she is the one with the problem but I really do not see that. Especially when you read the OP's response about the whole incident. People need to remember they have been together for SIX YEARS not six days, weeks or months! Six years is a very long time to be with someone. I do not think that she is acting like a princess or prima donna. So to be fair she is probably acting out of built-up frustration. I do agree there needs to be better communication between the OP and his GF
    I am a friend wrote: »
    Girls in general are more conscious of time passing mainly if / when they want to have kids as time is ultimately a womans enemy in that regard. On top of the physical restrictions, media and the medical profession do scare the bejaysus out of women of a certain age with regard possible fertility issues and a lot of women dont want to take any chances especially if they are in a settled relationship. Because men dont have the same time constraints for having a family, quite often they dont feel the pressure of time passing. Women, who have made their wishes to get married and have kids with a guy can get frustrated when he expects them to hang round for longer than necessary thus potentially causing fertility problems (due to age) when / if they do try to have kids...

    I agree with this very much. One of the reasons why I am happy that I got married when I did and had my first two children before 30. I am a maternity nurse for high risk pregnancies and see every day the complications women go through having their first child over the age of 35. So I do understand and sympathise why it is important for women that want marriage and children by a certain age and point in their lives.

    I was turning 24 when my OH asked me to marry him. He was a little like the OP when it came to his proposal. At first he admitted that he was "waiting" for the right time and place and all that jazz. I was younger than him but his reasons on waiting first was because he didn't want to scare me off. He was 30 then, working a very good job, had his house and did not want to be one of those guys that got married over 35 and had children immediately. He wanted to marry first, have the marriage grow then have children. So he stopped waiting and looking for the right time and place he just did it!

    I would totally sympathise with the OP, if he was in this relationship for six years but told his gf from the start of it that he does not believe in marriage and never wants to get married or that he wants to get married at over 30 or something. But from the sounds of it, it's not.


  • #77
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The OPs gf has decided to "Blackmail him into proposing"?! Are you serious? Really? Do you HONESTLY think that any girl would think this is a good idea?! How bloody demoralising for someone to have to force the person into proposing, how demeaning. Like any girl with half an ounce of sense, or self-respect, would choose this route. Noone would be happy walking up the aisle knowing their OH had been browbeaten to meet her there...that is most definitely NOT "the dream", believe me.
    As for being immature for being affected by peer pressure, again, seriously?! I wasn't saying she wants to be married solely because of peer pressure, just that it would tend to magnify existing insecurites. Like it or not, Ireland is still reasonably traditional re convention, and proposing is still seen as the ultimate romantic statement, marriage the ultimate commitment (though divorce/separation still allowed for, obv!). And when you're a female of a certain age, throw in constant questions from friends, aunts, strangers as to your marital status, and then obviously a girl, esp one in a LTR going nowhere, gets a bit concerned.
    Guys simply do not have as blatant personal questioning, nor the constant reminders from well-meaning friends/relatives re their biological clock- it's a fricking nightmare for women.
    I genuinely envy your freedom as a male.


  • #78
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    PS: as for the OPs gf "acting like a little princess"....again, dismissing the whole issue by just passing it off as a hissy fit, or a hormonal strop, is well out of order.
    The OP has gone out with this girl for 6 years, presumably he would be copped on enough to have recognised if she was prone to huge mood swings, drama, strops, ect, before now, and split up with her? But no, he's already outlined that her behaviour now is completely out of character....therefore we can safely assume that this isn't some power-trip she's on, but the actions of a woman at the end of her tether.
    And if the OP chooses to judge his gf of 6 whole years on this one episode, well then he clearly doesn't know her at all. Or he's choosing to use this episode as an excuse to break up with her ("my psycho gf")& avoid the whole marriage thing altogether, neatly abdicating his participation in the breakdown of the relationship....


  • #79
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    llkkjd wrote: »
    The OPs gf has decided to "Blackmail him into proposing"?! Are you serious? Really? Do you HONESTLY think that any girl would think this is a good idea?! How bloody demoralising for someone to have to force the person into proposing, how demeaning. Like any girl with half an ounce of sense, or self-respect, would choose this route. Noone would be happy walking up the aisle knowing their OH had been browbeaten to meet her there...that is most definitely NOT "the dream", believe me.
    As for being immature for being affected by peer pressure, again, seriously?! I wasn't saying she wants to be married solely because of peer pressure, just that it would tend to magnify existing insecurites. Like it or not, Ireland is still reasonably traditional re convention, and proposing is still seen as the ultimate romantic statement, marriage the ultimate commitment (though divorce/separation still allowed for, obv!). And when you're a female of a certain age, throw in constant questions from friends, aunts, strangers as to your marital status, and then obviously a girl, esp one in a LTR going nowhere, gets a bit concerned.
    Guys simply do not have as blatant personal questioning, nor the constant reminders from well-meaning friends/relatives re their biological clock- it's a fricking nightmare for women.
    I genuinely envy your freedom as a male.


    When the OP's girlfriend did break up with him, then only two things were going to happen 1) OP says yea grand and it's over 2) OP bites the bullet and proposes. OP's girlfriend can always refuse the proposal and says it's finished but I'm not sure how likely that is, so if she accepts then I've no idea what you call it, but I think blackmail is a pretty decent summary. As you said because of the OP girlfriends actions I fail to see how they can ever walk down the aisle without the feeling of him being "browbeaten" into it. I never said solely, but you seem to thing it can have a significant effect, which I think is a bit pathetic but that's for another day. As a man it's not like we don't get the whole "when are you going to make an honest women out her" crap either, however some men can simply ignore this or tell people to piss off and don't seem the need to pressured into something(I'm sure plenty of women are like this too btw).


  • #80
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    We don't know though that she did it to get a reaction. Some People assume she is playing games but its a very risky ploy if that's the case. I think she just got fed up and moved on. I do agree That it would be very hard to get back together and get married without the worry he did it under duress at the forefront of any commitments made.


  • #81
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP already said that he was planning to propose "sometime this year",going out 6yrs he must have chatted to gf re this. So if at the end of all this he does propose, well then it's just speeding up his original plans, no? In which case, we should call it nudged/given a sharp wakeup call, versus pushed?
    Yip, I agree, it's pathetic to be affected in someway by the constant talk from friends& family..... wedding plans& baby talk start to dominate womens' conversations at some point, it gets a bit tedious- but when you're the odd one out in a large circle of varying ages, it's begins to look like there's something wrong with you when you have neither husband nor child. You're considered either "too picky"- no man good enough for you, "a doormat"- forever waiting for your LTR partner to put a ring on it, too "safe"- you wouldn't take the leap of faith, or "just not all that interesting"- no man thought you were worth the leap of faith. The mentality annoys me, but as the years have gone on, it grinds you down eventually; the OPs gf has reached that make/break stage, cut her some slack


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  • #82
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    When the OP's girlfriend didn't break up with him,

    What do you mean when she didn't break up with him. She did break up with him. She ended the relationship because it was no longer making her happy. I don't get how this makes her a diva or a princess throwing a strop. She ended it. She didn't say "propose or I'll end it." She told him its over and she told him why. He isn't being blackmailed into anything. He said himself she won't talk to him. Sounds like as far as she's concerned its over. End of story.

    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    As a man it's not like we don't get the whole "when are you going to make an honest women out her" crap either, however some men can simply ignore this or tell people to piss off and don't seem the need to pressured into something(I'm sure plenty of women are like this too btw).

    Do you really think that the reason this woman wanted to marry the OP was because of pressure from other people?! She wanted to marry him because presumably she loves him and felt that after 6 years together they should have moved beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. She is entitled to want this just as he is entitled to not want to propose. Either one can end the relationship on these grounds. And I'm sorry Chucky but as a man, as has already been eloquently pointed out in a previous post, you do not have the same time constraints that women face when it comes to starting a family.

    He said he was planning to propose this year but she was not aware of that. If he wants to marry her he'll propose. If he doesn't he won't.


  • #83
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    llkkjd wrote: »
    OP already said that he was planning to propose "sometime this year",going out 6yrs he must have chatted to gf re this. So if at the end of all this he does propose, well then it's just speeding up his original plans, no? In which case, we should call it nudged/given a sharp wakeup call, versus pushed?
    Yip, I agree, it's pathetic to be affected in someway by the constant talk from friends& family..... wedding plans& baby talk start to dominate womens' conversations at some point, it gets a bit tedious- but when you're the odd one out in a large circle of varying ages, it's begins to look like there's something wrong with you when you have neither husband nor child. You're considered either "too picky"- no man good enough for you, "a doormat"- forever waiting for your LTR partner to put a ring on it, too "safe"- you wouldn't take the leap of faith, or "just not all that interesting"- no man thought you were worth the leap of faith. The mentality annoys me, but as the years have gone on, it grinds you down eventually; the OPs gf has reached that make/break stage, cut her some slack


    I don't really see much of a difference between sharp wake up cal/pushed/browbeaten/blackmailed. It also brings up a very important point of is she going to do this every time things are going as she wants? He doesn't want a child immeddiately, she does - threaten to divorce if he doesn't agree? As I said I can't cut anyone some slack because she geets peer pressured at 28, not only that but it's not like 28 is overhill and it's shocking to not be married or engaged at that age even if you are going out a long time.

    Chinafoot wrote: »
    What do you mean when she didn't break up with him. She did break up with him. She ended the relationship because it was no longer making her happy. I don't get how this makes her a diva or a princess throwing a strop. She ended it. She didn't say "propose or I'll end it." She told him its over and she told him why. He isn't being blackmailed into anything. He said himself she won't talk to him. Sounds like as far as she's concerned its over. End of story.


    Mistake on my part there, didn't mean to type didn't. Obviously if she eneded it completely then fair enough, we don't know I'm talking more on assumptions with that post as I've outlined two things that can happen. Clearly both situation won't happen though.


    Chinafoot wrote: »
    Do you really think that the reason this woman wanted to marry the OP was because of pressure from other people?! She wanted to marry him because presumably she loves him and felt that after 6 years together they should have moved beyond the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. She is entitled to want this just as he is entitled to not want to propose. Either one can end the relationship on these grounds. And I'm sorry Chucky but as a man, as has already been eloquently pointed out in a previous post, you do not have the same time constraints that women face when it comes to starting a family.

    He said he was planning to propose this year but she was not aware of that. If he wants to marry her he'll propose. If he doesn't he won't.


    I don't think it's the only reason but I'm sure it has played a part in it. Do you really think it has nothing to do with it? I never said I had the time constraints as starting a family however guys do get the nagging comments from family and friends. We also have no idea if starting a family is this girls main worry for wanting to be married.


    But as you said earlier, as far as she's concerned it's over, so at this stage a proposal from him won't mean jack.


  • #84
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    As I said I can't cut anyone some slack because she geets peer pressured at 28, not only that but it's not like 28 is overhill and it's shocking to not be married or engaged at that age even if you are going out a long time.

    Where are you getting this peer pressure nonsense from? I really don't get why you're so focused on this when there is no evidence that she is being peer pressured.

    Also, the fact that you see no rush in getting married at 28 does not mean that the OP's girlfriend has to feel the same way. This isn't about what you or I or anyone else see as being normal or over-the-hill. Its about the people in the relationship. For her it was too long so she left.

    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    Obviously if she eneded it completely then fair enough, we don't know I'm talking more on assumptions with that post ....

    Well actually we do know because the OP has told us that she ended the relationship. Why you're talking in assumptions is beyond me.

    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    I don't think it's the only reason but I'm sure it has played a part in it. Do you really think it has nothing to do with it?

    And yet your post above seems to indicate quite the focus on the peer presure angle. More assumptions really. I don't doubt that seeing people around her get engaged/married has an impact but it is not "peer pressure". It will simply drive home to her that her relationship is not where she would like it to be. This does not mean that peer pressure is the reason she wants to get married. That's pathetic.


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    I never said I had the time constraints as starting a family however guys do get the nagging comments from family and friends. We also have no idea if starting a family is this girls main worry for wanting to be married.

    You're right, we don't know that. My remark on time contraints was simply in reply to your dismissive remarks about women and peer pressure. The fact is that for a lot of women, starting a family is a concern. "Nagging comments" from people is hardly comparable to fundamental female biology now is it?

    Perhaps it would be better to work off the information that has been provided by the person in the relationship instead of making it up as you go along.


  • #85
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    Chinafoot wrote: »
    Where are you getting this peer pressure nonsense from? I really don't get why you're so focused on this when there is no evidence that she is being peer pressured.

    Because another poster brought it up when replying to me. Considering you thanked the post that originally brought it up I'm not sure how it was that difficult to understand.

    Chinafoot wrote: »
    Well actually we do know because the OP has told us that she ended the relationship. Why you're talking in assumptions is beyond me.


    Again it was in response to other peoples replies.


    Chinafoot wrote: »
    You're right, we don't know that. My remark on time contraints was simply in reply to your dismissive remarks about women and peer pressure. The fact is that for a lot of women, starting a family is a concern. "Nagging comments" from people is hardly comparable to fundamental female biology now is it?

    Perhaps it would be better to work off the information that has been provided by the person in the relationship instead of making it up as you go along.


    As I said I replied to the thread and then someone replied to me and brought up the peer pressure excuse and I simply countered that point and it went from there.


  • #86
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    Because another poster brought it up when replying to me. Considering you thanked the post that originally brought it up I'm not sure how it was that difficult to understand.


    Again it was in response to other peoples replies.


    As I said I replied to the thread and then someone replied to me and brought up the peer pressure excuse and I simply countered that point and it went from there.

    I'm sure focusing on assumptions made by others and then adding your own assumptions is extremely helpful to the OP.


  • #87
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I am a friend wrote: »
    How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

    Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.
    -The OP has not been sitting around for a year. He said he wants to ask THIS year. And so what if he didn't get round to it? It's a very nerve-wracking experience!
    -Why does HE need to have fire in his belly? Are we still in the middle ages? If she wanted to get married so badly she should have said something HERSELF. Maybe she should have proposed, or at least given the chap something to go by.
    I am a friend wrote: »
    The romance is long gone out of it for her... A surprise proposal before it got to this level of frustration would have been romantic for her - now it's never going to be right as she had to ask for it to happen.

    Was in a similar position with an ex and he spoiled the whole thing so much that I didn't feel the same about him even after we got engaged. I finished it 6 months later... Still think we would be happy now if he hadn't made such an ordeal of it all..,
    This is another sort of mentality I don't understand. The concept of a relationship having an 'expiry date' before someone pops the question. You either love someone or you don't, want to be with them or you don't. Trying to squeeze it into a timeline is just another way that women discard perfectly good men. A healthy relationship results in marriage when BOTH partners want it to, not because one feels pressured to take the plunge. It's awful for women to expect men to conform to their whims.

    Personally, OP, I'd mention your plans to your ex and see where the two of you want to go from there. But before you do anything you may want to re-evaluate why you were together to begin with - i.e. make sure she wants to marry YOU.


  • #88
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    Chinafoot wrote: »
    I'm sure focusing on assumptions made by others and then adding your own assumptions is extremely helpful to the OP.


    Probably should of reported the posts that made assumptions in them instead of thanking them then.


  • #89
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    kyedhen.female wrote: »
    You either ..... want to be with them or you don't.

    she doesnt - she dumped him.


  • #90
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Okay folks, either report posts you think require moderator action or take the squabbling to PM.

    This is an advice forum - keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

    Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting.

    Many thanks.


    As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread


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  • #91
    Leitrim lass
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭Leitrim lass


    Just propose.

    She probably isn't interested in the whole fussy surprise hollywood proposal. It sounds like you are more into that than her, hence the reason for never getting around to it. It's as if it has to be perfect for you to propose.
    Even now you are more worried that the warm fuzzy feelings of the surprise engagement may have been ruined rather than worrying about securing your future with this woman.
    She loves you. She has spent 6 years with you and she wants a future with you. Shouldn't that mean more to you than feeling a bit miffed than you were 'backed into a corner'. She hasn't backed you into a corner, by the way.She has just given you a boot up the behind because she wants a future with you and you are driving her nuts. Be flattered, go with it. PROPOSE


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