Sadhubby Guest

Hi guys

As the title suggests, my wife told me today that because we argue too much she no longer finds me attractive. We are both 31 and have 2 kids. We are married 7 years.

My question is whether posters think such an arrangement would put undue stress on our marriage and whether it is now basically doomed to failure, which is the last thing I want ...

ando Registered User

Was this told to you in the heat of an argument? Did she say she is out of love with you or just that she doesnt find you attractive anymore?

Ickle Magoo Closed Account

Never mind what we think - do YOU think it would put undue stress on your relationship and it's doomed to failure now?

If your wife is so miserable with the quality of your relationship then that has to change. Would you both attend couple counselling? At the very least you both need to sit down and work out what you want because arguing all the time or not having a fulfilling sex life because of stress and anger is not a healthy relationship.

All the best.

curlzy Registered User

In fairness OP, having sex with someone you're angry with is horrible, maybe it's just girls that feel that but I found it to be a very nasty experience. Like it's consentual but there's very conflicting emotions going on and it just feels wrong, not tender and loving at all, like you're just going through the motions and it's not something you're enjoying. It does sound very bad for your marraige, could you ask her to go to marraige councelling with you? At 31 that's way too young to just decide sex is off the table in your marraige. Just wondering what are the arguments about? Is it all different things or one bone of contention? Are you both just very headstrong??? Long drawn out arguments or repetitive arguments are very stressful. One symptom of stress is loss of libido. Have a good honest look at your marraige and try to figure out a plan of action, be it open calm discussion or mediation or councelling.

Best of luck.

killerking Banned

You should go see a counselor and try to work out why this has happened.
If your wife never wants to have sex with you anymore your marriage is almost certainly doomed if your relationship continues on like this.
If you were to stay together you would be only staying together for the kids but neither of you would be happy and this would be worse on the kids than if you separated.
When physical intimacy is gone you will simply be in a zombie relationship which leaves both of you wide open to the temptation of cheating or breaking up and starting a new relationship.
Living a lie will just lead to more lies and more heartbreak.
You both have to sort this out with a third party helping you through it or else down the line you will have to just call it a day and be honest with each other.

Kimia Registered User

Op, I love the way the only thing you heard when your wife spoke to you was the fact that you won't get to have sex again. What about the fact that she addressed that you two are arguing all the time? That's why you said she doesn't find you attractive anymore. What about talking about that first instead of only paying attention to the sex issue?

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S23 Registered User

Kimia said:
Op, I love the way the only thing you heard when your wife spoke to you was the fact that you won't get to have sex again.

That's quite clearly not true because you mentioned the other problems which he stated.

OP of course, if you're wife follows through, and never has sex with you again it's going to cause stress and doom your realtionship to failure. That is presuming you like having sex? If you think you can manage the next 40 odd years without having sex then you might be alright but I'm guessing that is unlikely.

You got married quite young (IMO at least) and there could be any number of reasons for the breakdown in your relationship at the moment. I would strongly urge you to speak to your wife about your problems. I would also suggest couselling is the way to go for the both of you. It's very hard for us to tell you much more without anymore info.

How seriously related to the fighting this lack of intimacy your wife feels is hard to judge if we don't know what you fight about and how frequently. It could be a huge part of it or, unfortunately, it could be an excuse for feelings that have died off in a more organic manner not related to the fights you have. It's almost impossible to tell.

All I'll say is that your relationship is 99.9% unlikely to survive as a sexless but faithful one given both your ages.

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Kimia Registered User

S23 said:
That's quite clearly not true because you mentioned the other problems which he stated.

I was referring to the title of the thread - I found it funny how it cuts to the chase!

S23 Registered User

Fair enough.

However, to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, the 'fights' might be minimal and innocuous and he could just have been stunned at what his wife said as if that was the case he'd have no reason to suspect she felt so strongly.

That said the fights could be serious and he could have been oblivious to the breakdown of their relationship and the bold and serious statement his wife made might be the wakeup call he needs to work on his failing relationship.

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Walls Registered User

I agree with Kimia, it seems the only thing the OP has noticed. I'd suggest that a bit of work needs to be done here.

metrovelvet Closed Account

Female sexuality is 24 hours. If its bad out of the bedroom it will be bad in the bedroom too.

Put an egg timer on the arguments. Otherwise you have a headful of memories that consist of arguments. No good.

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dudara Administrator

Something like this doesn't just come out of the blue - she must clearly have been unhappy in the relationship for a while.

OP - did you notice anything before? How has your sex life been since you had children? Are both of you willing to attend couples therapy?

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unreg2 Guest

is it possible that she wants the marriage to end or has herself cheated? That is some statement to make, you are still young. You are saying you dont want the marriage to fail, so where does she stand on it? Some women use sex as a weapon or bargaining tool, maybe she reckons if you are deprived of this, you will stop the arguing even if you are in the right?...

I am a friend Closed Account

A few questions:

  • What does she want so? To be your flatmate? You need to find out what's going in here.
  • How is all this fighting affecting your kids if it's doing this level of damage to your marriage?
  • In
  • What is the cause of the fighting? Can it be eliminated? If not, what's the point then of 4 people (2 kids included) being miserable?

Marriage is not about sharing a house, she is either in or out...!


You need to go for counselling if she's willing to go with you. I'm afraid her telling you she no longer finds you attractive and refusing to have sex with you is throwing down the gauntlet and she's put the ball in your court, but before you decide anything ask her if she loves you. If the answer to that is no then you have a serious relationship problem. If she says yes or sort of then you can rebuild your relationship, but it will take time.

It is possible to continue to live in an unloving relationship, you'll end up as housemates but the problem is that both of you will resent the other because in a way your lives will become hollow. Temptation will come both your ways and it will end over time, especially as the children grow up and leave home, then you'll have regrets for having not lived your own life.
If YOU still love her then you are in for a long hard journey, so find out if she loves you, if the answer is NO then assess your own feelings towards her and face up to the reality that this may be the end of your relationship, but go for counselling first.

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