sorry if this seems a stupid question. it is sincere. i have a brother in first year of college, and about 6 months ago he told my dad he was gay, but not to tell any of us-that he was going to do so himself. i'm his younger sister. my dad spoke to me about it because he knows i'm quite close to my brother-that's how i know, although i'd wondered before if he might be gay.

anyway, he hasn't told anyone, and i asked my dad about it recently. he wondered if maybe he wasn't sure about his sexuality and was keeping his options open- if he came out and then realised he was bi or just going through a phase it would be difficult. excuse my ignorance, but is this possible? i love him and want him to be happy, i just feel bad that he feels he can't say it to us, and wonder what's going on with him.


solice Registered User

Yes, there is such a thing as "a gay phase". Plenty of people go through it, for some it might last a month, others a year or more. Some people can realise that they may be gay in mid-life, or realise that they are straight in mid-life.
My opinion would be just to follow his wishes. Its really cool taht he could talk to your dad about it, i assume that your dad doesnt have an issue with it. You seem like you would be ok if he was gay. If he decides to tell you, be happy for him. If he doesnt, then dont pressure him into it. Thats not a nice thing to do.
Phases do exist though, so if he invites his girlfriend for dinner on St Stephens Day, dont act all weird

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Gay phases are possible and quite common during adolescence, you know with hormones and all that jazz. Often times it doesn't last very long and the boy / girl maybe just a bit confused about his / her sexuality. I may find out myself that I'm in fact heterosexual in later life but I've never had sexual feeling for girls before but too many for other fellas and I find it is sometimes quite difficult to cover it up when I'm going out but I manage.

Although, sometimes homosexuals have 'straight' phases! An uncle of mine is gay and he actually had sexual feelings for his new female friend from Australia but that was the only time. Did you ever see that programme on gay animals? It was very interesting as most of rams (male sheep) mate with the sheep to reproduce and mate with other rams for sexual pleasures. It looked at swans, cows and of course humans. The documentary concluded that a majority of most species are bisexual. It looked at humans and said that it is possible that most humans are bisexual without realising it and that many humans have experienced a homosexual desire at least but many chose to ignore it and act upon the more dominant heterosexual desire. It was only a theory but it was rather interesting and I'm not sure if I'd believe it.

The advise I can give to your brother is to give it time. He should try experiencing meeting with both boys and girls before saying he is this. If he's in college they may have a gay society. If not, there are many out there.

Bonne Chance!


thanks for the replies. i'll be happy for him whatever he chooses, i just want him to be happy- i have no problem with him being gay, my only worry is that he might be subject to intolerance and abuse at certain points because of it. agree on the bisexual thing- am definitely straight but have felt attraction to girls before, not often, and not as strong as it is toward guys, but it's there alright.

rsynnott Registered User

Although, certainly, such phases exists, the simplest solution in generally right. If he's told his dad he's probably been thinking about it for a while. He probably is gay. People know their own minds about this sort of thing, generally.

carbonkid Registered User

It could be a phase or not i guess as his sister he just needs to know your there to suppose him no matter what the ture out is.

Dale Registered User

Two friends of mine, who are now straight, went through a "phase". Totally natural.

rsynnott Registered User

Oh, it's perfectly possible. It's just not the most likely explanation.

azezil Hosted Moderator

I went tru a gay phase once, but then I found jasis bai!

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Dónall Registered User

In line with what others have said, yes, the evolution of an individual's sexuality can be amazingly varied.

I would, however, have to say he ought to be careful about how public he is about it as I have found that society in general has great difficulty accepting bisexuality, pansexuality... pomosexuality - whatever you want to call it. And the faintest whiff of homosexuality in a man may have him labelled "gay" for years, perhaps life. It's somewhat different with women as I suppose the same mainstream society that has difficulty accepting a nuanced spectrum of sexualities between "gay" and "straight" for men, finds it equally difficult to conceive of a woman who deep down wouldn't prefer to be with a man, no matter how lesbian she claims to be.

I'd like to illustrate this with my own case. The expression "gay phase" can be an unfortunate one in that it's too often used by anti-gay crusaders to "proove" that there's really no such thing as an essentially "gay man" and therefor try to undermine one of the key tenets of gay and lesbian rights ie anti-gay discrimination is on a par with discriminating against, say, left-handed people.

Anyway, I'm rambling on here. Basically when I was 19/20 years old I decided I was gay, or at least bisexual - I was, I'm afraid, very confused and told different people different things. I'd never been with a woman, not through lack of (clumsy) effort mind you. I had a number of gay flings, by which I mean none of them became a relationship. I was very open about it all to the extent of flaunting it, enjoying the notoriety; this was the late 80's, believe me, the notoriety was very real! It was also very flattering to go from feeling like a complete loser in your sex life to feeling desired and popular and so on.

Anyway, I then left the country. Had my first girlfriend, and then another and then a long-term realtionship with a woman - and so on for years. Without giving it too much thought I had, in what felt like a very natural way, discovered it was women I preferred, and I would have thought that was that....

But then, after over a decade abroad I returned home to Ireland and, completely to my surprise, found that the rumours about me had been rampant in my absence. "Did he hear about X?.. went off to Y! I heard he's married another man there!" And so on..

And some people have been positively insulting. It is one thing people do not forget, sad but true. Just one instance: I was out with my girlfriend and I bisexual guy I knew from my college days drunkenly said something like "What the f**k are you doing with a women!" There have been other examples, but mainly second-hand whisperings. It's been really annoying to be honest. You'd think people would be embarrassed to be dragging up stuff from 16 odd years ago - but juicey gossip doesn't seem to age.

Well, with that off my chest, I would simply stress again that, yes, sexuality is a complex infinitely moveable feast, but do please be careful who you tell - because it may come back at you years later when you least expect it. And if your brother does find he prefers women, a "gay" past may complicate things enormously.

I actually hope people can disagree with me here on some level though! As it is a bit depressing and I do appreciate that it is up to individuals to break the mould of prejudice...


'Don't worry I'm going through a Gay Phase just now or a Bi phase? Whatever, I've only ever been attracted to woman for all of life but before my 16th birthday lets just say my curiousity got the better of me and I "relieved" myself to a fantasy of men having sex. Does that make me gay? Nope. But I woke the next day feeling anxious and depressed. Then weirdly I started to find that the line between finding guys attractive and woman attractive had become more fuzzy. It wasn't as clear cut as it was before. That was 3 months ago and I'm still paranoid about it. When I watch T.V sometimes I can't honestly say what Character I find more attractive male or female. In school however I only ever check out the ladies. But that nagging paranoia still hangs over me. Although it was worst before when I wouldn't even read a newspaper in case I found one of the men attractive! Sexuality is a very fluid thing, espically in teenage years. Deep down inside your brother probably always "Felt" it without perhaps realising what it was. Of course he could still change, so don't panic! For example deep down I know what I want to do - marry a beautiful woman and have a family and nice home. But just now I'm questioning myself which is entirely normal. My friend went through the exact same thing as I did, it lasted 7 months with him until he came to realise he was straight. Also another 2 guys in my class thought they were bisexual and now they are total studs with the ladies so having a bi/gay phase is possible. But if your brother has already came out to his parents about his homosexuality then as a previous poster said, he probably is gay. No one takes coming out lightly and he must have had to do some soul searching for the answer. So yeah he probably is gay but of course it is possible he might become straight in later life.'

simon06 Registered User

I'm a 19 year old male and i've always been interested in men. But also females. From the age of 16 i started sleeping with women, thinking i was 99.9% straight. I use to enjoy sex so much with women, I liked the look of guys, but when i hit 17 i slept with a lad for the first time. It was horrible and i was physically sick, i soon got over that and moved to north wales. where ive not slept with a woman since, But many of men. Ive came out to my family/friends as a gay man. But now i find my self masterbating over women, I have alot of girl mates who tease me about sleeping with them. But reality is since that has started happening ive been doubting my sexuality. I really hope it is a phase ive been going through because i want kids, and want to be straight. I dont know what to do.


amazingly during adolescence I was a confirmed gay...well for 2 or 3 years....and then I lost those feelings and find them hard to comprehend now....is it the hormonal changes during puberty ?

Hmm_Messiah Registered User

Regarding your brother, if you are concerned etc then maybe your Dad could broach the subject - but I think he should try maintain the confidence, if you understand me .

If you are close to your brother then you are doing everything right, he'll open up when its right for him (hopefully)

regarding gay phases - I'm in my 30's , in a longterm rship with a great guy, great rship etc, but we bought occasional discuss the possiblity that in the future it would change radically , one or both of us wanting children, and more complicated things. But its not a "phase" its just that sexuality and needs can change . Neither of us would consider ourselves "gay" though - both or previous most significant relationships were with women .

JupiterKid Registered User

Yes I think it's possible to pass though phases of attraction to men and women, but the majority of gay men and gay women I know, and I myself as a gay man, came to the (often difficult) realisation of our sexuality in our teens or earlier and have shown no inclination to change to a heterosexual orientation.

I think the gay/straight phase may be more pertinent to bisexuals who may some times prefer men, other times women etc. But a word of warning: labelling being gay as a "phase" is one way that homophobes and anti-gay groups try to undermine the validity of same sex relationships and gay culture generally.

As for the poster who mentioned that they wanted to be straight and have children, you need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself do you really want to deny your gay sexuality for something that societal bigotry has pressurised you into believing or would it be better to accept your sexuality and begin to lead a happy, fulfilling life as a bisexual or gay man instead?

It seems to me that there are a lot of people out there - especially young men - who say they fancy guys and have a "gay phase" but lo and behold go back into the closet and then claim to be straight later on, but continue to seek gay sex in their "hetero" married life, cheating on their wives. This is very very sad.

Too many people are using the excuse of "phases" for denying their true sexuality and attempting to rationalise that denial. It's sad to see in this, the year 2007 that internalised hohophobia is still to powerful.

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